Rough night

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dstc_99, Jul 10, 2014.

  1. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Its been a month since difficult child and I had a mini meltdown and I put my foot down about the rules in our house. Since then things have been pretty good. She "said" she had several leads for jobs that she didn't get calls back on. I don't know if that is the truth or not since they are all through her cell phone. But since it is now the beginning of month 3 and she has no job still I am getting a little frustrated. I have tried the gentle prodding and the occasional question and even given her the information about jobs I knew of. She just doesnt seem to be doing much in that area.

    Anyway Sunday I went to the tanning salon and when I got ready to leave I asked the manager if they were hiring. They are. She said have her bring in her resume and go online and fill out an application. On Monday difficult child printed her resume and after I made her change into decent clothes went to turn it in. When she got back I told her to go ahead and do the online application. She said the clerk at the desk said she didn't need to do that. I reminded her the manager told me that she did.

    Yesterday I asked her about the online application and she still hadnt done it. I offered to let her use my work computer to complete it. She didn't. She ate her lunch with me in the breakroom and left. So when she picked me up at the end of my work day wearing a bikini and a coverup I had an odd feeling she still hadn't done it. I asked about the online application and she immediately starts in with "the clerk said I didn't have to do it."

    I snapped.

    I told difficult child the hiring manager told me directly that she needed to do it. difficult child just kept repeating how the clerk she talked to didn't tell her to do it and she didn't need to do it and blah blah blah. I told her I didn't think she was trying very hard to get a job. I reminded her we have pools on base that are being closed because we can't find lifeguards. She hasnt applied for that position and the office is less than a mile from the house. She isn't going to school and her plans to are on hold until she gets a job to help pay for it. She is sitting on her ass doing nothing while I pay for it all. She was driving irratically and we were screaming at each other the whole way home. She just wants to be 19 and have a summer vacation and hang out with friends and enjoy herself. Insert eye roll here. I told her when you are 19 and not enrolled in school you get a job and work. You are no longer entitled to summer vacations and mooching off your parents. You have declared yourself an adult and therefore need to start acting like one.

    When we got home I decided I was going to spend my night the way I had planned to. I went for a run, I went to the tanning bed, and then I picked up Ragu for a chicken parmesan dinner. The whole time I was in the house she was on the phone with the grands telling them how horrible I am and that she is moving out. Screaming things at me while talking to them. I didn't engage I just told easy child where I was going and left. difficult child then decided to call me during my run and berate me. When I asked if she was done she said yes and that she was moving and I was the reason I had lost my own daughter again then hung up. I went home to grab the tanning lotion and she screamed at me for running away from my problems.

    husband got home and they had a talk. She said she wanted to talk to me. Basically she threatened me saying that if we had any more days like this she would leave. My reply is if that is how you feel there is nothing I can do about it. I told her until she stops reacting so badly to being given advice or told to do something I can't control what happens. I told her I could only control my reaction to it. She wanted an apology from me and I told her I was sorry for yelling but it didn't change the fact that she needs to get a job. Basically she thinks the last three months have been great. Of course they have! Shes been sitting on her ass doing nothing while I work. She fed husband the whole I've applied everywhere crap and that she just didn't understand why I had an issue with this. The best part is that she said she owed me an apology as well. But I never got it.

    husband is now in charge of dealing with her. I am over it. I told him flat out she is lying and telling you half truths about applying for jobs and you need to stay on top of that.

    I am so mad at myself for engaging in the argument. I am also furious that she has the balls to try and threaten me with leaving and demand an apology. I am no longer scared of losing her. I have done it once already and this time around would be much less traumatic. She needs to not push her luck because it isn't going to take much more to get the boot from me.
  2. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    All I can say is good for you. I'm right there with mine, trying to get him to get a job. He's better than he was before his failed year of college. Told me he's not job hunted because he is afraid no one will hire him because he got fired at his last job for no-show. (Says he didn't have gas money.) Of course, he guarantees failure by not applying. I wish mine had some place to go and would move out. My stress level would drop significantly. Big hugs! Stay strong.
  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    in my humble opinion it is time for her to move out. Today. Party over.

    I know this is hard.

    Growing up is really hard for our difficult children but we do them no favors when we get weak and cave in.

    It is time for her to grow up. Stick to your guns.

    Hugs for your hurting heart.

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  4. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ya know, if (when?) my difficult child told me she was moving out, I wouldn't take it as a threat.. I'd take it as a victory :) But I know you're hurting - I don't mean to make light of that part.

    As I read your post, and the parts about all the prodding you give her about jobs, how/where to apply, asking people if they're hiring and letting her know, following up with asking her about them, my own therapist's advice came to mind: "You're working harder than she is." I've been there, and it's exhausting, I know. And logically, it makes no sense. All this work we do trying to "help" them is not appreciated, not wanted, not even acted upon. It's such wasted energy when a difficult child isn't invested in the process themselves. So when we get to that point, it's time to take a giant step back.

    I have to agree that it sounds like it's time for her too move.. an ultimatum with a firm deadline. But you have to be ready to live with that ultimatum, and follow through on it.

    It's not easy, I know. Hugs.
  5. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    that is a rough night. I hate when I am reduced to participating in a screaming match. I think you have done the right stuff all along, and the things you said are true. Happily for you she is making the next step don't have to give her deadlines or tell her to move out, she is doing it on her own.

    You will both be happier and have a better relationship when she is out of the house.

    Let her go. Wish her luck. Don't let her back out and offer to stay.

    I'm curious about the grands' reaction, although it doesn't really pertain. will they let her live with them (which would be unfortunate and delay her growing up, but is common...AND...most not in your control).

    Good luck and hugs to you. Sounds like things are moving along as they should. 19 year olds not in school need to work. Often their urge to independence is not as great as their urge to just goes that way. This will sort itself out.

  6. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Oh yeah they will! Trust me that is where she ran last time I was an evil horrible witch. LOL They are the ones she turns to when she is mad at me and they coddle her. My relationship with them is in horrible jeopardy because of it. When they support her and not me (not even a little) I just feel less and less attached to them.

    I wish her father read this board. She has already gotten him to back off and give her a tiny miniscule two things to do today or she is out at the end of 2 weeks. 1. apply online at tanning salon. 2. call the lifeguard place and talk to them. THAT SHOULD CERTAINLY SCARE HER! lmao He doesn't even seem to realize that she can do all that without any proof at all.

    Yep you are so right. Actually I have been very laid back about the whole thing considering she does not take guidance from me well. This is the first time I have put my foot down and said you will do this. I didn't even start out trying to do that though. I was trying to prod as gently as possible.

    The guys I work with are the ones that keep telling me about jobs for her. I just casually mention them and then leave the ball in her court. The tanning place was just a fluke. I don't know why I even asked them if they were hiring. Probably because it was late and they were empty so I had a second to chat with the manager.

    Once again I really wish her father would read this. I am the hard hearted one on the outside when dealing with her. husband is the softy except for when he is talking to me and then he wants to pull out all the stops and throw her out. LMAO MEN!!!
  7. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Cut off the money. Cut off the money. Cut off the money. She can't mooch if you don't pay her cell phone, internet, extra food, gas and clothes. And I agree that it's more than time for her to move out. She is just prolonging her childhood at your house. No nineteen year old should be without school or a job. My kids got jobs at sixteen,w hen the money train stopped. Even my difficult children went to work and all have good work ethics. You'd be amazed at how fast they get jobs when you cut off the money. None of mine complained either. It was something they saw their older siblings do and knew they had to do. Don't her friends have to work or go to school? If not, she has a very lazy brand of friends.

    You can't stop her from moving. If she goes to the grands, that's her choice and her business. You shouldn't need to give her clues about jobs. Most nineteen year olds want the independence of a job without Mom pushing them. And you can't change her father anymore than you can change her. Chances are, if he read this, he wouldn't take it seriously and you have no control over that.

    in my opinion only, the sooner she leaves, the better it will be for both of you.
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2014
  8. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    This rings true to me. I have asked many places if they were hiring and told my son about them. In fact, I researched colleges, booked his campus tour, tried to get him to go to others (he wouldn't), completed his fafsa form, literally forced him out of his room to sign the promissory note. What did he do? Took his fafsa money, didn't attend classes and failed two semesters. He did take it upon himself to appeal his first semester suspension for order to get the second semester fafsa money.

    It's happening again with the job thing.

    I agree with everyone else. If she wants to move to her grandparents then you get a break. Perhaps it will work itself out when they get tired of supporting her, which is bound to happen eventually. I wish my son had grandparents able to take him. It is a pity that it's straining your relationship with them.

    Why's it so much easier to tell you this is a good thing your daughter wants to move out, when I'm finding it impossible to tell my son he has to?
  9. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Lol advice is always easier to give than it is to take.

    MWM- you are right. We cut the money a while ago and only let her use the car for job searches and the occasional night out. I think that is part of why she is stressed.

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  10. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Of course. She's expects YOU to support her. In my opinion, too bad for her. She's too old for you to be supporting her while she does nothing with her life except partying at night and using YOUR car. Are you sure she's not using drugs?
  11. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Reading this thread reminds me so much of me. Even now, I've slowed to a trickle, but it used to be a full blown RIVER of "assistance."

    I would see help wanted signs in the windows of stores and tell difficult child about them. I would cut out ads out of the paper. If people told me they were hiring, I'd write down the name and number of the place.

    As difficult child progressed in his disease, I didn't want my name associated with any job he was trying to get. He has been fired from SO MANY jobs now. I just wouldn't do that to any friend or acquaintance---suggest they hire difficult child---not right now or any time soon that I can even imagine.

    I used to have all kinds of helpful ideas for him. He oughta do this. Why not that? If he would do 1, 2, 3, see it's easy, difficult child, then you can solve that problem.

    None of it was helpful. He would look and listen and nod and then....go off and do whatever HE wanted to do, which in many cases, was nothing. Oh, he has had a lot of jobs but he now hasn't work anywhere at all since last spring---over a year ago.

    And you know what...he has survived, somehow, between jail, homeless and rehab. Amazing how resilient they are and how well they CAN survive without jobs, without money from us, without much of anything.

    Today, when I find that I'm asking difficult child questions, I know already I'm in trouble. Today, he was texting me asking me to bring boxers and t-shirts to the day shelter. He said he had been wearing the same pair of boxer shorts for 5 days.

    I thought (but didn't say), well why aren't you washing your clothes at the day shelter? But I didn't say it.

    I said, I have no boxers here (didn't offer to buy any) but I do have the t-shirts. I can drop them off tomorrow.

    I am going to drop them off in an envelope with his name on it tomorrow morning.

    So....I'm thinking....what is going on with getting a job? What is going on with finding a place to live? What is going on with going to rehab?

    it's now been 2 weeks and one day since he got out of jail. SO always says---we'll know if anything's changed within 2 weeks of him getting out of jail.

    I have thought this time I sensed and heard a difference, but I'm starting to think now....not.

    Okay, I did get my hopes up a little bit---not much---but I'm settling back down into what IS. And also realizing that he will likely get arrested again if he doesn't make a change---oh, within another 30 days. That's usually how long it lasts---40 to 50 days.

    That's really too bad, but it is what it is. He has choices he can make. It is completely up to him.

    I am not going to intervene. I am not going to offer a litany of ideas. I am not going to ask a bunch of questions. I am going to be supportive, encouraging and .....keep my distance. Pleasant and helpful with the things I can do and want to do.

    His birthday is coming up in 17 days. I am going to open an account and put some money into it and that is going to be what i do for Christmas too. That way, I am giving him what I normally would but it's for later.

    I will see him on that day if it works out.

    I continue to make progress at letting go of him completely. Your stories help me. Your struggles help me. I identify with you all and I know the road we are on. It is a hard road, but today, I feel okay. I feel like I am really doing okay.

    I pray for him and hope he is safe and hope he finds something inside himself that gives him the strength to make that change he needs to make. But if he doesn't, I can accept it. At least for today.

    I am at peace tonight. I feel okay with myself and what is. It is a good place to be.
  12. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    I am so glad. May we all be at peace tonight.
    that is a good idea. I may try that. Someone else mentioned that when they were younger and lived at home their dad made them pay rent but saved it and gave it back to them for housing when they were ready to move out. I like that too.

    I am also guilty of writing down the numbers on help wanted signs. I also am done with asking my friends to give him jobs, although I teeter every day on asking my ex if his new girlfriend (who is in the restaurant biz) could give him a dishwashing job. I've been tempted every day for a week, but refrained.

    Of course she is no fool, and he has already begged at the back door of one of her restaurants... so that may be that.

    Today my son is going to get a new ID (WHAT DO THEY DO WITH THEIR ID's???). I thought..but do you have money for it? and then I didn't say anything. I am trying. I am learning. I have to recalibrate over and over.

    We are all doing this together.

  13. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I dont have medical proof but I don't see any signs of it. Things are no different than they were before she moved out the first time. Of course I don't have medical proof she wasn't doing them then either. The big thing is that there isn't enough money for her to do much, nothing is going missing, she rarely goes out with friends, she's generally home and fine as long as I don't push at all.

    Her issues from day 1 have been that she can not handle it when she gets pushed. Everything from homework issues to punishments for wrongdoings can push her to have a major breakdown. That started in 2nd or 3rd grade so I know there were no drugs then. LOL