Rough weekend for difficult child

[shellyd67]

difficult child had a really rough weekend.

He went sledding down the end of our block and got into a fist fight with another kid.

difficult child said it happened out of no where. All the kids were banging into eachother while sledding and neighbor kid freaked out and tackled difficult child,

They began to scuffle and difficult child and the kid both ran home upset and crying.

Asked difficult child his "side of the story" and then tried to get kids and parents together to work it all out.

Kid and parents were MIA so we were unable to straighten things out.

husband spoke with another kid who was present and his story concurred with difficult child's for the most part (but probably concurred with the other kid when and if his parents asked his version)

difficult child said the kid screamed profanity at him and then "attacked" him and he only defended himself.

I know there are some holes in his story.

But I was glad to hear that difficult child was concerned about the other boy and hoped he was ok.

This all happened yesterday and husband and kids went to visit family several hours away today so no luck with parents and kids again.

Earlier this evening difficult child's best friend Mom's stops by to drop off gift for us cause husband helped them out with a home repair.

She tells husband her son and difficult child had a little "tiff" and that difficult child sided with another kid they were playing with and her son was upset.

We talked to difficult child and said "really rough weekend kid, huh?"

He was upset and said he will apologize to friend cause he did boss him around a bit .

He however is still a liitle ticked at kid he fought with and is not ready to talk it out with him.

Geeze this kid had more drama this weekend !

 

[nvts]

Hey Shelly! I swear, your kid is sounding more and more like my aspies everyday! He really sounds sweet that he's worried about one kid, then the other (but laughing because the parents aren't willing to talk).

It was one rough weekend for him. He just struggles with those social cues!

Beth

 

[DammitJanet]

Actually...isnt this perfectly normal boy behavior? Boys get into scuffles with each all the time at least as far as I know.

This is where I have a huge problem with today's child-rearing strategies. In the olden days (god I sound older than dirt!) boys played outside, they got into playground fights, each went home...momma probably fussed at them, Dad probably asked who won and smiled behind his back, and all was forgotten. No ones parents even bothered to try and get in the middle of the situation. That was unheard of.

I cant tell you how many times my boys got into fights when they were in elementary school. The only time Tony stepped in was if the fight was uneven and more than one boy started in on the fight. Then he would say...one at a time or go home. And it had to be in the yard not in the house and no weapons...lol. We had a few try to come in the house with sticks and attack as packs. Tony walked in one day to find Jamie warding off 3 boys and Tony just picked them up and tossed them all out the door.

 

[shellyd67]

Janet, husband said the same thing as you ! He had scuffles when he was young and parents stayed out of it. difficult child never had a "fist fight" and I think I justed wanted to make sure the other kid was ok. difficult child sounded as if he beat the kid to a pulp. He is quite the dramatic little dude.

 

[nvts]

Geez, in my neighborhood, that's what the GIRLS did Janet. I, to this day, remember my mom telling me "Never hit first, but make sure you hit last!"

She was one tough cookie!

Beth

 

[Marguerite]

Janet, I do agree with you in part. For the most part. But when you have a difficult child with poor social skills, that's when it falls down. We've hadto get involved to a certain extent, in order for our boys to develop their own brand of coping skills.

For example - a easy child typical teen boy might get involved in the usual playground scuffle and sort it out himself, for the most part. But for our boys - people will tend to assume that the "disturbed" child is dangerous, out of control and needs to be punished. people (especially teachers and other parents) take it more seriously. Also, the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids tend to not 'get it' with the usual push-pull of relationships.

While it is a handy but unofficial rule to limit fighting to one-on-one and to also let the kids sort it out themselves, with our boys we had to make it clear - do not hit the other kid at all. Not hitting back, not starting anything. Because no matter how justified you feel, other people WILL latch on to the Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) label and think badly of you. if you can say you never struck a blow, then it is a lot harder to be blamed.

It's not fair, but it is life.

We also found that it is a simpler rule for our Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) boys to follow. Over time, it has made it easier for them to learn how to handle conflict at an adult level. However, it has meant careful monitoring and support when there are problems, in order to model for them the right way to behave. We could never cope with them if we left them to it, to handle it themselves entirely.

It's not the same as helicopter parents of easy child kids who don't give their kids a chance to develop their own skills. At least those kids do have the innate capacity to cope. Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids do not. Not until they are led towards it and carefully taught.

Marg

 

[Andy]

I do agree with Janet that parents are drawn in too easily at times, however, since difficult child was sorry for what happened and it was a physical fight with possible real injuries (based on what difficult child reported), assisting him in finding the other kid right away to make sure he was o.k. and to extend an apology was the right thing to do. No need to get involved. Just ask if difficult child could talk to their boy, stand back and watch as the boys make amends. I would think because the other family was not home that everything was o.k. (or they may have come looking for you). If he was really hurt and the parents thought it time to step in, they would have contacted you.

When something like this happens with difficult child, I do encourage him to follow through with the apology. That is also a character building trait. As long as you are not demanding he apologize and he is asking to, take the moment to let him do so. The sooner the better.

I have mixed feelings about the best friend's mom. On the one hand it could be looked at as "tattling" and I know I would be a little tiffed myself if I have to hear about every tiff my son has. On the other hand, I do want to be able to address some of the behaviors from time to time to guide my son through these situations and to keep in touch how he is handling life's hard moments. Just once in awhile - not all the time!

I don't think kids have a lot of very strong role models on how to handle their anger, disappointments, ect. They don't see older kids doing the right thing. I don't think they have "heros" that they strive to be like. So, I think it is o.k. from time to time to discuss these type of things with them. Talk about their options and then let them decide the next step. As long as you are not telling them what to do and discussing both the "right" and "wrong" thing to do. It will also teach them how to problem solve - that it is o.k. to think things through before acting.

I hope things get better for him this week and he has a great time next weekend!