Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Big Bad Kitty, Jun 1, 2008.

  1. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    ONE nice day. ONE!!!!

    Why? because princess Tinker-center-of-the-universe was not here.

    She spent the day swimming at Grandpas yesterday. I took that opportunity to go see my boys (my "x" stepsons) play baseball. Had a great time but got quite the sunburn.

    Tink got too much sun too, and was throwing up last night. Begged Grandpa to take her home (she was to spend the night) at MIDNIGHT, so he did.

    Today I tell her no swimming, We both had too much sun yesterday and need a break. "Why." Because we got too much sun yesterday. "No I didn't, I feel great." Fine, but we still need the break, it is for our health and safety. "No, you are just being mean, and I will NEVER get to swim again ALL SUMMER." Guess what? I'm not going to listen to you complain all day, the answer is no. "I'm gonna follow you."

    Dead weight she plops herself in my room and starts screaming. Go to drag her out, she holds onto the doorjamb and I fall on her. Now of course I smooshed her to death. Go to nudge her out with my foot and the strap of her dress (which she HAS to wear because she is a friggin PRINCESS, don't you all know) is caught under my other foot and it rips. NOW of course I ruined her most beautiful dress. Finally get her out and slam the door and lock it.

    I cannot take it. CAN'T. She is SO self centered, SO all about her, SO does not care about anyone else or how they feel. Nothing is ever good enough. I drove through McD's for breakfast this morning and instead of thank you, I got "WHYYYYYYYYYYYY can't we go INSIDE, we NEVER go inside, you are SO MEAN". I wanted to stick those McGriddles where the McSun don't shine.

    This can't be my summer. She has summer school the month of July, and daycamp in August. She FINALLY starts Occupational Therapist (OT) this Thursday.

    I don't want to see her. I hate myself for saying it but she drives me nuts.
  2. jannie

    jannie trying to survive....

    Sending great big hugs to you !! :crazy1: Sorry she's being so difficult child'ish.

    I understand how you feel.
  3. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    It is for these moments that I hope someday someone on this board has an answer for. Those "I am going to stay in your face and block your way until you say what I want to hear" hours (notice I did not say minutes because this can go on for hours). I can't stand it when I say "no" and tell the child to leave and instead, he or she invades my personal space and demands a different answer.

    We do what we can to address the issues before they become these power struggles but that is not always possible. We get ideas and suggestions on how to head this off, but nothing yet on what to do in the midst - I am unable to walk away because the little brat just follows me or blocks the way. And it doesn't help that husband just sits there. If he would get up and be a dad once in awhile but no, if he does participate it is to say, "You two stop fighting" which of course sends the message that kid and I are on equal terms so kid does not have to respect me as an authority figure.

    Guess I didn't help much just to say I am there with you and also waiting for the answer when in the midst of the battle.
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member


    Basically, I found diversion was the best way to get mine out of brat mode. It didn't work every time but did more often than not. No matter what, I refused to get into a power struggle. I was bigger, stronger, smarter, meaner and tougher. I would ultimately win but I didn't like the bullying involved in winning.

    I learned that by first acknowledging her disappointment (and mine) and reiterating why we couldn't do it helped a little. There was no logic that was going to convince Tink that not going to the pool was a good idea, no matter how bad she had felt the night before. So, skip the logic, just acknowledge that she feels bad about not going and do whatever you had planned to do.

    If you can, try to find a positive diversion -- watching a favorite movie or going to the movies if it was too hot to stay home instead of swimming. Once there had been an acknowledgement and an offer of something else, my mouth would stay shut if she continued on. I would absolutely refuse to say another word if mine kept harping about whatever it is she wanted to do.

    Another trick that would sometimes work is to start taking out the baking items (silently). Nothing like the idea of fixing something yummy to make her forget about going to the park or the pool at least for a little while.

    If that didn't work, it became a very negative diversion. I'd go into her playroom (her room was bare because of safety issues when she raged) and start picking up anything out of place. She knew that if I picked it up it would be headed for Goodwill the next day, so, she'd be so busy racing to clean up her messes, that the initial issue would frequently be forgotten. She also knew that if she became violent or started raging when this was happening, there was no chance to save her things.

    I did learn to not say "no" whenever possible. For something like the pool, which really is okay but for the sunburns the day before, I'd make a disappointed face and say something like, "Well, I was planning on us doing X (something special and fun like, um, baking) today. I love you too much to risk you getting sick like you did last night, so we need to stay indoors today. So, I was thinking we watch a movie or play dress up. Which would you like to do?"

    The going inside to Mickey D's is a big thing to most kids. I really don't think it's the food for them so much as playing in the "playground," looking at all the people, etc. I used to use the Mickey D and BK playgrounds as a bribe to get mine unfocussed about something else. That really did work like a charm every time.

    You do have my sincere sympathies. Sometimes nothing you can do will stop the truly bratty behavior. They'll badger, tantrum, scream, argue, bargain. Mine would push and push and then push some more. I found the best thing I could do was just ignore her, even when she was badgering me in my room. Mine would rage a little harder when I refused to get into the "game," but it ended a lot quicker than if I got caught up in the power play and I didn't feel like a bully when it was all over.
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    That's too bad that she made Grandpa bring her home. She must have been making him miserable, too.

    Meowbunny has some really good points. If you're like me, you won't remember them when the really desperate situation comes up again. Maybe try it for a small disappointment and see how it goes? Maybe she'll figure out that when she doesn't get to do the 'one thing' that would have made her happy, that there are other things that can be done that aren't so bad, too.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry. It stinks when they get stuck in that mode.

    I found that the distraction thing only worked IF I practiced it before I needed it.


  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry for your rough day. The others gave good advice. I hate when they are stuck in this mode and can't be diverted. Hugs.
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    So sorry you had a bad day on "Planet Tink"...sending hugs...I completely understand how you're feeling. Don't hate yourself for the way you felt about Tink right then. I think it's absolutely impossible to feel sweet and loving feelings about someone who's verbally (or any other way) beating you up. Nothing is enough, no reward, no punishment, no nothing, unless it's exactly what they're yelling for at the moment. It's so draining, so frustrating, so...I guess demoralizing would be the word, since we love our kids and try every day to do the best we can for them and with them, only get it thrown back at us in a rude and hateful manner.

    These last few weeks with Miss KT gone is the first time I have found some inner peace in seventeen years.
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I just wanted to send HUGS! It can be so frustrating when they get in that kind of mood- the one where they forget that we were not put on earth just to provide all their pleasures.
  10. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    take comfort it's probably the sun poisoning adding to your irritablility level. I am also not looking forward to the summer, mainly because I have to work and there's no where to send difficult child II.

    HUGS and prayers for a better tommorrow coming your way
  11. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    You know what has been working for my STILL unstable kid/brat... who I am happily away from... her blood levels are still low... so she is still unstable!!!

    Anyhoo. We have had this same and many like this fights... I have had to, which I do not like to do because I feel like like telling her to frick off!!!
    I ask her for help... It seems so simple, but I ask her to help me do something. Like get something special, like a soda out of the fridge and then get the cup and the straw... help me open it, pour it, put the straw in... etc. By the time we are done and we are sharing the, stupid, soda she has mostly calmed down and we can talk calmly about it.
    I don't like the idea that she is getting something "special" but sometimes it is the ONLY thing thats helps...
    I have asked her to help me get/find the cookies and some milk, a plate cup etc...
    Even laundry, I will set up the stool and tell her I can't reach the soap, or a dish... anything to distract but that makes them feel good, bribe, treat... to help them forget what they are PO'd about... kind of a basket C thing, with a bribe/helper variance. I have been buying little cheap dollar things at the store and putting them away just for these times. I tell her I know she is upset and if she can take a deep breath... count to 5 or 10... calm for 1 minute... I have something for her, because she is such a big girl. Then we talk about it. It shows them they can try and control and have control over their moods. We know it is hard but we are there to help them and show them the way...
  12. KarenB

    KarenB New Member

    I have no words of wisdom, unfortunately. I'm just sending hugs and encouragement. Here's hoping tomorrow is a MUCH better day.
  13. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Whew, thanks all.

    Bedtime. Yay. And then it starts again tomorrow.
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I hope you go to Burger King tomorrow for breakfast and have it your way. I nearly passed out when you had Mcthoughts about puttin' a McGriddle where the McSun doesnt' McShine.

    I've seen your sewing - the dress is not dead. Blargh - :sad-very:

    Sometimes there just is NO logic or unlogic or McLogic that will work with a difficult child. I say this because I believe I have read every book - some twice on well meant advice that left me wanting to write the author a scathing letter about their book and often found myself once locked in my room with difficult child pounding on the door chanting "DOES THIS BUG YOU I"M NOT GOING TO STOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPP" - throwing the book and screaming into my pillow so that I didn't loose control and throw the book at my kid.

    And when that didn't work - the psychiatrist said "Well go out to your car." so I did and difficult child would then proceed to throw the MOTHER of all McFits in the driveway and pound on my car. Once or twice when he was 8 or 9 I left - I just grabbed my keys and LEFT. I figured if the police came by at that moment - I wouldn't care - HAUL me to jail - I NEED A BREAK. (you deserve a break today - lol)

    I wonder - since she IS SO SMART - what if you started carrying around a note book - and every time she had a tantrum or outburst you said NOTHING but just wrote in your book? Kinda like the Princess Diary?

    I really have no advice - just wanted you to McKnow I know where you McAre.

  15. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Hugs comin' your way! 'Cuz I'm livin' that crazy life too! At least I got a break today, but yesterday, they probably heard me hollerin' and cussin' (yeah, I let a few slip) because of difficult child 2's maddening behavior all. flippin. day. long.

    At least you've got summer camp to look forward to and the Occupational Therapist (OT) and stuff. Hold onto that hope with all your might! Your sanity is attached to the other end!
  16. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    you know what McK has been doing! Carrying around a little McBook and pen. she writes gobblddly gook and I can't Mc Read most of it. i can't mctype write now because myAmbien is kickign in...blahhh. tee hee.

    She has been writing little marks about her morning, afternoon and evening. she the makes little marks next to the part of the day. She says ,"This morning,hmm, pretty crazy,angry" So she then makes all of these weird little marks on the paper??? she says it is c0de for her docotr. her feelings.
    With her Mcmarker... I can't read any of it!!!

    She has also been Mcwriting about how husband has holes in head, he is getting a 20% loss out of these holes... the men in head are letting out the good stuff and all that is left is the parts that are mean to kids!!! She said we have to get the man in his head to help him block up the holes so it doesn't get worse... I just looked at husband and said, Uh Uh! He asked if he could take a vitamin? She said NO!!! LOL McWeirdo...

    My kids are obsessed with "Nickdonalds" & "King Burger" because of the play grpound... they get a chocolate milk and maybe a burger or ckukceb tender thing... they are in heaven...
    OK tyhping getting worse.
    ..fading...go to bed...this is so funny how many typos I hav e fixed. I am dum, I mean done!
  17. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    BBK, I have to tell you that it's 5:00 AM and your post made me laugh so hard the tears are running down my face. Now really, the situation isn't a bit funny, but your description is! Not funny......because I've figured out that they ALL act the same! I can take my difficult child swimming ALL day and on the way home he asks if we can go to the movie! He cares absolutely nothing about anyone else....nope, nada! VERY ungrateful, too! I keep waiting for it to change a little, afterall he's almost thirteen, but I don't see the change coming. You are certainly not alone.
  18. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    BBK, ignore her. My difficult child once even said outloud to me that she would 'keep me up all night and make me miserable' if I did not giver her whatever she was obsessing over at that moment.

    They are just really good at getting us to give them what they want, by bugging the #%$^ out of us.

    Ignore. Even put on your headphones or ear buds - which ever you use. Totally ignore. Of course, it will make her more angry at first, but eventually when she gets no reaction or attention she will find something else to do. Then, do not make a sound or she will find you again! LOL!
  19. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Yesterday, when I typed the original post, I had managed to lock myself in my room. I heard her throw a fit for awhile, then it got quiet. You know. TOO quiet.

    I went out to the front room and she was sound asleep on the couch. Of course, I suggested earlier that she may be tired, but NOOO mama, I'm not tired. I'm fine.

    The thing with her is just like what Pam said. I could spend the DAY catering to her every whim and when it is done she will throw a fit if she can't have a sleepover. That makes me not want to do ANYTHING with her. This kid wants to be entertained 24/7. So the legitimate argument yesterday was we are not going to the pool because of the sun. She still wants (and EXPECTS!) to do something "special". Always. Add to that my poor health. I'm not always up to baking, I'm pretty broke so movies are a rare treat. And she flips if I suggest a game or reading together. It's "boring". Well, if we did "special" things all the time, they would cease to be special, now, wouldn't they? Then they would be even more expected. I want her to learn to entertain herself. I can't go go go like she wants me to all day. I need breaks. She can't handle it.

    Argh. Just venting, not looking for answers...
  20. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I remember those days...and the day I finally lost it and screamed at Miss KT, "Do I look like Barnum and Bailey to you? Go find something to do all by yourself!"