Sabotaged, discouraged, defeated

[Abbey]

Yes, if you don't get husband on board, it will be doubly difficult.

Yep.

I'm sorry I sounded a bit sharp in my former reply but I've been in your shoes and know the pain it can bring. It not only hurts your child, but your relationship with your husband.

I wish you the best luck and hope husband and you get on the same plate. Without that, it's a long road.

Abbey

 

[katya02]

Thanks, Abbey, Witzend, and Wyntersgrace (and others who responded) . I'm doing everything I can to get husband up to speed and on the same page. I have given him responsibility for handling everything connected with difficult child unless he's physically at work, and I do see changes in attitude and approach already.

And difficult child has been clean and sober - clean since coming home, and sober since the end of June. That's only a couple of weeks, I know, but it's progress. He knows the consequence if he drinks again, even a little.

Suz, thanks for the link. I haven't tried home drug tests but will look into it.

Nomad, thank you very very much for your comments. I've been feeling guilty that difficult child isn't working yet and recently made it non-negotiable. When difficult child said he'd like to go part-time at first I said nothing doing, go full-time. Yet he's having some major side-effects from new medications just introduced, having tremors, fatigue, and muscle pain. I know he couldn't work a 10-hour day at the produce store he applied to if they call tomorrow. I'm constantly torn between making allowance for physical symptoms and illness, and not wanting to be conned. Or is this conversion stemming from increased anxiety?

Think I'll take difficult child to the family doctor this week and rule a few things out. And maybe I should reconsider letting him work part-time to start. Because you're right, Nomad, he has a diagnosis besides his addiction that complicates matters and I think it would be very bad for him to fail repeatedly at jobs. Better, perhaps, to start slowly and then take on more.

Thanks again

 

[witzend]

Hey, if he wants to work, you should absolutely talk to the doctor about whether he is physically able to do so. It will give him something to be proud of.

 

[Nomad]

I see very encouraging things in your post. I too agree that you might want to check with the doctor about his ability to work full time vs. part time to start off. I would make it clear to your son that if he starts with pt work, it is just temporary, and he will be expected to work full time as soon as possible (perhaps the doctor will give you an indication or even tell you at a follow up appointment). I would NOT tell any propsective employer the background on all this. Whether he works full time or part time, it will likely give him a great feeling of satisfaction and self worth. Success on the job (and a paycheck) might do this for him like nothing else!

 

[Abbey]

Maybe starting slow is good. If you haven't worked in awhile, and have some physical stuff going on, you need some time to heal. At the same time, you need to set a goal to be self sufficient. That's a one task at a time deal.

Today: I'm going to apply for 3 jobs.

Tomorrow: I'm going to apply for 3 more jobs.

Next day: I got a job!!! (Geez, I wish it was that easy.)

Geez, it took me 6 months to get my silly low paying, part time job, but it's probably done more for my mental health than anything in a long time. Now it's:

Today: I need to get up and go to work.

Tomorrow: I need to shower.

But even those two small things make me feel better. Once I actually GET to work, I love it. I love the people. It's just getting there.

I hope he finds something that suits him and gives him a purpose to stay clean and move on.

Abbey

 

[katya02]

I agree, I think with difficult child smaller steps will probably be more successful. I know we will have to push him from part-time to full-time but am prepared to do that. Now watch him get a call for full-time today!

husband is starting to catch up on things. He's becoming aware of the many lies of varying sizes that difficult child uses through the day - reshaping the truth to fit his ideas or needs. This is something husband didn't observe for himself due to being away so much. Once husband gets it, he will be much more strict than I have been able to be so far - because he won't be sabotaged by his spouse!

Tomorrow is the college hearing for difficult child. Seven more hours of driving, plus attorney fees.
It will take difficult child a few years to pay us back for all of this, but I want him to, no matter how slowly.

 

[Nomad]

Well...there you go...part-time also allows time for doctor's and therapist's appointments plus time to pick up the pieces (like driving seven hours for a college hearing). With creativity and planning, often with a part-time job, one can fit in these types of things with-o employers having a clue of concerns. Meanwhile, difficult child can be in the process of healing.

You might consider taking difficult child to several grocery stores and other places that are inclinced to hire pt employees to put in an application. Think of a good (with at least a thread of truth to it) explanation as to why he only wants to work pt at this time in case he is asked. For example, he might say that he is thinking of taking a class at the community college and wants time to study.

I agree, that you will likely encounter resistence to him wanting to work full time later on. One way to avoid this is to greatly limit the amount of money you give him for "extras," so that he is forced to earn money to get them. It is good that you have something in the back of your mind "at the ready" for problems down the road.


Wishing you much good luck.

 

[Abbey]

Albertson's and Von's are well known to hire people with disabilities. The hours are very flexible as well.

It's almost sad to say, but they get government money if they hire a person in need. I'd like to think that they do it for a human reason...but I think it's just a financial thing.

Abbey