Sad and scared

[Albatross]

I'm so sorry, Grace, for this crazy place you find yourself because of your son's bad choices.

He blames me for not having a job, money, not testing, not getting an assessment and even his asthma inhaler, all because I won’t let him have his (my) car back.

The thinking of an addict, blaming others for all of their problems and perseverating about the ONE THING they've decided will make it all better.

You've done what you can, Grace. The sad fact is that there's likely no reasoning with him until he gets clean. Until then all you can do is work on how you respond to his crazy-making choices.

Most of us who have been here for awhile have made quite a bit of conscious effort crafting a recovery program...for US, not for them.

For me it was counseling, first alone and then jointly with my husband; Al-Anon; lots of reading on codependency; meditation; long walks in beautiful, peaceful spots; and lots and lots of time on these boards.

"Love Says No" is a hard one when we're in the middle of one of their manipulations, and accepting that our precious child may die or face years in prison because of his own slow hand is a terrifying reality to finally acknowledge.

As hard as it is for them to learn new ways of thinking, I believe it's even harder for us. We have to learn new ways of thinking AND new ways of LOVING.

Do keep posting; it helps so much. This place is filled with wisdom and support.

 

[Tired out]

Our son is 21 and he started making bad choices as a teen. It escalated to stealing from us, items not cash,( the items were actually gifts he had given to his dad, I think taking them was to hurt his dad) but he has since come clean that he sold them to a licensed reseller. At least the stuff isn't floating around.
There hasn't been anything to result in jail or probation yet and I prey it never gets that bad.
He has impulse control and anger issues. Trying to make himself sound great/tough he exaggerates, lies and gets himself in trouble. He should write stories, he is full of them. The anger comes when he is called out on a story or is told to do something he doesn't feel like doing, he has authority issues.
The line "Earth is Hard wrote, "I remember him saying, 'it's not you going through this, I am'." We have also heard from our son. That woke me up. I will love him but I will do my best not to take on his issues and to just listen to him and let it go. Only a small portion of what he says is true.
I need to update the thread I started in March.
Good luck. You know you aren't alone.

 

[New Leaf]

Our kids grow up and make choices. When drugs are a choice, then become the main focus and goal, everything goes south for them.

He does not want a relationship with his biological father, his grandparents or his older sister, so we are all he has. He lost his girlfriend because of his choices too.

It is hard to witness this. Why would anyone deny family relationship? For my two, it is because they know we do not support their choice to use drugs and party, won’t give them a roof over their head while they continue to use, won’t accept the blame for their choices they try to guilt us into. You are not “all he has.” He has much more, but values his relationship with drugs over anything and everything.

If he relapsed, lied, or broke any of our house rules, he had to leave. Which he did immediately.

What choice did you have? We offered refuge to my two many times before we realized the cycle. It became obvious that we had to get off that hamster wheel. It still wasn’t easy.

Lately just bad days filled with anxiety, then anger, then sadness over my son.

You need to feel what you have to, let it all out. If you find yourself spinning with the grief of this, get help. Anxiety is damaging to our health, and does nothing to change what just....is. I do understand how you feel. It is a process. You may find this strange, but I used to wish my two would go to jail. At least they would be off the streets. Have time to think about their choices. Now, I have let go of that, focusing on working on what I can control. Myself. I don’t know how my two continue to live as they do. I have learned over time that there is absolutely nothing I can do to change them.

He blames me for not having a job, money, not testing, not getting an assessment and even his asthma inhaler, all because I won’t let him have his (my) car back. It’s ridiculous.

It is ridiculous. As long as they can blame someone else, they don’t have to look at themselves in the mirror.

Most of us who have been here for awhile have made quite a bit of conscious effort crafting a recovery program...for US, not for them.

So true. We can’t control what they decide. But, we can decide to pull up and out of their path. There is nothing good that comes from our own simultaneous self destruction over their choices. That’s where I have placed the angst, sadness, all of the emotional wringing of hands. It becomes life sucking after awhile. There is no sacrifice of self we can make that will stop their choices.

As hard as it is for them to learn new ways of thinking, I believe it's even harder for us. We have to learn new ways of thinking AND new ways of LOVING.

Albie, this is so well stated, and so true. We become entrenched. Relationship patterns. Love says no. I love you, but will not go down the rabbit hole with you.
Grace, you can do this. Take one day at a time and find things to help you get your life back.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Triedntrue]

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[Copabanana]

Welcome grace.

I reiterate everything everybody else says.

Call 911 for suicide threats. This will sound harsh. Either they will or will not attempt suicide. Either they will or will not come to harm or cause it.

But this is the key: it has not one thing to do with what we do, say, are or were. And everything to do with their choices. Which we cannot control.

This is a spiritual path. For us. And them. We have no real role on their paths. We just create obstacles. Really. Our purpose is found on our own path. (Believe me. I know how hard this is.)

To give him any sense at all that his outcomes rely in any way on you, just confuses things. To believe we know what they should do or where they should go, is self-deception.

When they are adults, only they can know. And if they do not, it is only their own stumbling, discovery and meditation that can right them.

Finally, do not accept his blame. It is garbage talk. Terminate the call or conversation. This is abusive. It does not help him or you that you become his victim.

You are stronger than you know. But we are helpless with them. Which is not a bad thing. They must build their own agency and discover their own resolve.

So do we. In our own lives. Not theirs.

 

[One Hurt Mama]

Sending you hugs, Grace. Hang in there.

 

[Gracethroughfaith]

Gosh everyone. I am at a loss for words for your strength and support. You are all so strong; I had no idea there was this whole warrior tribe out there who’s been there, done that. As I sit here, trying to be on vacation, all I get are the reports from relatives on my sons relapse that they “see” on various social media. I wish no one would tell me. It doesn’t do anything except make me literally sick to my stomach. I would have never thought for a minute this would end up being my journey...or battle. But I know it’s not my battle, it’s his. Will keep you all posted. Thank you and shine on.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi grace.

Enjoy your vacation. This is spiritual warfare! Every moment you are able to stay centered and out of his overflowing toxicity is a great victory.

I hope you stay with us.

We welcome your posting on other threads too. This is one way we grow and change i think.

Take care.

PS. Honestly. Jail would not be the worst thing. He will detox. And maybe it will get his attention. Meanwhile. The loved ones on social media, alerting you to his train wreck, while seemingly well meaning, do you no favors.i would try very hard to not go there

 

[Tired out]

I hope you can enjoy your vacation. Put your phone on vacation mode and don't answer it. The people telling you what they see on social media are very unkind. They are looking for drama. I would cut them off when they bring him up and say "I can see the same things you do and I don't care to discuss it". Or just change the subject immediately with, "Hey, I just went to the mall and bought the cutest purse or was walking on the beach and saw the funniest bird running to the water.." Have something prepared to change the subject to and if they insist of going down the social media road tell them "the internet is the root of all evil. I need to go now" and hang up. I have been down your road.

 

[Kathy813]

He blames me for not having a job, money, not testing, not getting an assessment and even his asthma inhaler, all because I won’t let him have his (my) car back.

Yup, I remember those days. Albie is right . . . this is the thinking of an addict.

Sadly, because we love them, we start falling right into their trap and let them convince us that we are the ones that should fix their problems. That is where co-dependency comes into play.

It took me ten years of hell and two years of therapy before I came to the realization that I had no power to change my daughter's thinking or behaviors. The only person I had the power to change was me.

Once I let go and set firm boundaries, my daughter got sober and has been sober now for over two years. I am sure her five stays in residential treatment also helped. But the bottom line was that I had to learn that her problems were not mine to fix.

Many on the SA forum have found a combination of therapy and twelve-step groups like AlAnon, NarAnon, or Families Anonymous have helped us learn to stop enabling our troubled loved ones. Posting on this board was also a life-saver for me. All of us have walked in your shoes and faced the same tough decisions and are here with advice and support.

When I first became a member over 10 years ago, someone told me about the three C's from AlAnon:

• We didn’t cause it – it is not our fault that the other person drinks, it is their private battle
• We can’t control it – we have no power over the other person's desire to drink
• We can’t cure it – it is an illness that cannot be cured through any known medical remedies

I would add a fourth C: We have to learn how to cope with it so that it doesn't ruin our lives.

~Kathy