HI Grace and welcome. I am so sorry for your need to be here. 22 is so young, I am guessing that you have been dealing with issues with your son for quite some time. It is a hard road to travel when our kids go off the rails. We try and try to help, try to convince them to get back on the straight and narrow. In the long run,
they have to want to live differently, to choose better.
We recently had him move out of our home because of his choices. All I do is worry, obsess, and cry. It’s really affecting me in so many ways. I love him so much but he refuses help. How do I get through this?
Getting through the grief of dealing with this is a process. It is different than the grief of losing a loved one. There is a finality to that. The grief of an adult child continuing to choose badly, to lie, steal and manipulate to get drugs, is an ongoing battle for concerned family members. Especially for mothers. We have given our all in raising them, never in our wildest nightmares did we expect
this outcome. Try not to write the end of the story, there is always hope for change.
You have done the right thing in placing a boundary with your son living in your home. But, oh, the ache. I know it well. The unanswered questions of how they are doing, what they are eating, reeling the tapes of parenting mistakes, feeling guilty, heart wrenched, unable to sleep. I am so very sorry for your troubled mamas heart.
I have walked this path for a pretty long time. My two have managed to avoid jail, but have slipped down the rabbit hole with alcohol, pot, crack, then meth. Homelessness. It has been a long ordeal, but, I still hold on to faith and hope that one day they will realize their true potential. I just know that it is out of my hands, I have no control over their choices and as long as they are abusing drugs, I am not looked upon as their mom, I am a target.
My first huge way to cope with all of this, with two daughters out there, is through prayer. I looked up one day and said "Lord, please take them back into your hands." It was, and is, too much for me to deal with. If I ask in faith for Him to watch over them, then, I must calm my fears and worries.
I switch focus, slowly, step by step, sometimes, with each breath.
The wringing of hands, anxiety, sleepless nights, worry and stress can become routine,
it starts to feel like love. It does nothing to help our beloveds, and is very damaging to our health and well being.
It is important to feel what you need to feel, to go through the grieving process. It is also important to recognize when you need help, and most of us do because it is a heavy load to bear. Going to alanaon, or naranon helps. Posting here helps, it is like a journal that talks back to you. Having one on one with a therapist, helps.
Addiction and the consequences seep into our lives and grabs hold of us too. We often feel that we cannot live well until all is right with our beloveds.
Self care, feels selfish. That is what addiction would have us think, that we are being selfish,
if we are surviving, while our kids are out there suffering their consequences. With this mindset, our lives fall by the wayside, right along with our kids.
I look at addiction as a dragon we need to slay, as much as our kids do. All we wish for is that our kids get the help they need to conquer their drug use and live healthy, productive lives. While we are hoping for that to happen, the best thing we can do for our adult wayward kids is to
be the change we wish to see in them. If you are having a hard time escaping the quicksand of this, get help. Take very good care of yourself. Start an exercise routine, and be mindful of what you are eating. These are simple things to disentangle yourself from addictions web. One of the things I do is repeat to myself that I am my kids first teacher, first role model. If I languish in despair, I am right down that rabbit hole with them. If I pick myself up and walk steadily forward, one step at a time, I am showing them that they can, too.
Find ways to shift your focus to what you can control, your own thoughts and emotions, your reaction to the challenges that arise with your sons addiction.
I get sad and scared too, but am working at not allowing those feelings to take over my life. Walking daily helps, I pray for all of my kids and grands as I walk. This calms me.
We are all presented with challenges and hardship. Dealing with a wayward adult child has got to be right at the top of the hardship list, but it is
possible to not only survive, but thrive.
We must thrive. By doing so, we are leading the way for our beloveds. Teaching them that if we can rise above, so can they.
You can do this, Grace. Take some deep, deep breaths and work on lifting yourself up.
Please know you are not alone. There are many of us here, facing the awful truth with our wayward kids, understanding that we didn't cause this can't control, fix, or cure it.
We can find our own true potential and by doing so, shine the light for our kids.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy