I feel so sad. 19 yo daughter again somewhere out there not communicating. Maybe another phone lost or stolen...who knows. It seems always, time and time again, that about 4-5 days go by before I start this obsessive worrying. Her life is a secret and I don't even know her anymore. How do I know if she is with friends, at a shelter, or if she was picked up in a drunken stupor and held against her will prostituting or something? I just don't know how to detach emotionally. The worst thing about this, and it's like mental torture when I start on these dark thought paths, is the realization that I - we - raised a daughter who has no self worth. Because ultimately people with self worth try to improve their life because they realize they are worth it. And for so many years of her childhood I thought she was happy and secure. I don't consciously feel guilty anymore because I realize we did just about as good a job as we could. I do think we entered the FOG early on when she was a young teenager and didn't realize it at the time. She learned that she could manipulate us with threats...self harm...etc. I think I could have been stronger but everyone has a breaking point. I forgive myself because at the time this started I did my best to try and help only to be screamed at, verbally abused, avoided and basically demoralized to the point of depression which is now better but ongoing on and off as I am also entering into hormonal age. Counseling didn't seem to help her. Antidepressants didn't help after a while. Peers who had the answers she was looking for - pot and alcohol and maybe other drugs and a severe case of anti authority - came into the pucture. How does a parent compete with the 22 year old boyfriend who she was madly in love with? (of course she didn't tell me about him... I learned it from a school mate). Well I don't really know why I'm going on about this but I needed to write it out. Very teary today. How do we not let the unknown destroy us? It's not easy letting go.