Sad heart gets a little sunshine

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Marc Carpenter, Nov 30, 2015.

  1. Weathered Soul

    Weathered Soul New Member

    My 24 yr old meth addict daughter, has decided to try to quit after 7 years of homelessness drug abuse and multiple God only knows what all, but it is a start, I have been anything but an enabler but don't want to impede her recovery and want to believe its real. She and a friend (male) are both trying to quit and traveling together away from their previous life and are living about 5 hours away in a friends RV. They of course want help with whatever, to get to the point, I can't bring her into my house again, I have two other kids and a wife it would create a lot of tension, but do want to help her build her own life as easy as possible for her. Any suggestions on which road to take for help, ex. bringing her closer, putting her in touch with shelters, or staying in touch and loving support but financially staying out of it and letting God and the world handle it which has got her to this point, I know every situation can go South at this point, looking for ideas on direction
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You have no clue they are really quitting. They are not doing it with professionals and are both addicts. I personally would wish them good luck, but no money and no help unless daughter goes to a rehab. The boyfriend is not your problem. JMO
    And, no, she is old enough to live on her own and you don't want her affecting your other children. Meth is a serious drug. My daughter took it. She did quit so it's possible, but when s hej quit she asked for nothing from us. She told us afterwords. It has been e leven years now.

    An e asy life can make it easy to keep using.

    Just a thought.
  3. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, Marc!

    It's so hard, to not do anything.

    We want so much for them to succeed, that we are ready to jump in with both feet to 'help' them. In reality, there is not a lot we can do.

    Some people like to send their young adults a list of services in the area that they are in. This can be helpful, especially for us, so that we know there is food, shelter, rehab, etc. available to our loved ones if they so choose. It helps us to stay strong when we are bombarded with requests for money, hotel rooms, apartment rents, transportation, etc.

    Bringing her back to your area is probably not the best idea. Our kids tend to use us as a crutch and not rely on themselves, if we make ourselves available. And it is much harder to keep them from trying to move into our homes if they are near us.

    Have you read the article on detachment? It is at the top of this forum. It is very helpful.

    The best course of action might be to wait and see. Send a list of services in their area, send your love, and wait to see if they have truly stopped using drugs and are taking control of their lives.

    And keep posting. It helps.

  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with SWOT and Apple. The most I would do is offer to look up some resources for her near wherever she is and have her go check them out. There are recovery programs in every city. I know that sounds harsh but she has to take the first steps.
  5. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    HI Marc,
    Glad you are here. It is a safe and supportive place to have landed. You are not alone. Folks here understand and have been where you are. There is much wisdom and guidance and understanding. More will be along with specific insight.
    By the way, if this is your real name, you may wish to change to a username for anonymity, as this is not a private site.
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Marc so sorry for your hurting heart, it has been a long hard road for you. It sounds like you have kind of worked this out in the latter part of your post.
    I agree with this, and the opinions you have received in others posts. If your daughter is committed to quitting, she will find help where she is at. My daughter is on meth as well. It is almost impossible to quit, without rehab and guidance. This, she can find where she is. It is hard when our d c's are asking us for help, to know just what to do.
    I am hoping my girl will come to her senses as well.
    It is true, they have to take the initiative.
    I wanted to add, that it is good that your daughter talks about quitting, that is a little sunshine.
    Putting action to the words is next.
    Prayers for you and your daughter, I hope she will make this work. It really is up to her.

    Last edited: Nov 30, 2015
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member


    I agree with everybody else. Give her all the love and non-tangible support you can. But not in your home and not financially. I would not encourage you to help her move closer to you. In our case, it was a disaster.

    Let her take the first steps. That is, get clean and complete a treatment program. Let her get a place and a job.

    She got herself into this mess. The only thing that works is for her to use available resources to clean herself up.

    As I understand it, Meth is among the hardest substances to kick. As do many drugs, it alters the brain chemistry. While people do recover, the symptoms can linger for a long time. That makes it harder, because there is a withdrawal, and then after that symptoms can continue which can include hallucinations and mood instability.

    That said, thousands upon thousands of people quit. But in my experience, this is not something you can support. The individual has to face it down themselves. This is the realm of experts. Not parents who love her.

    It may not make it easier that she has a companion. Because that means that the weakness of one, may weaken the other. That is another reason to stay as far away as you can. For now.

    As parents, it is very easy to do things for the wrong reasons. The pain of letting them flail, and possibly fail. Guilt. That we are not doing something. Fear, of what could happen next.

    The hard thing to get is that all these things are the wrong reason to get involve and make it harder not easier for our kids to resolve their issues. We get in the way.

    We want to do something.

    In the situations in which we find ourselves the most loving thing to do is to let them do it themselves. To love them but not to rescue them.

    I have made these mistakes so many times. It is the hardest thing not to help. Each time I do I make a huge mess.

    You will find support and understanding here. And excellent counsel. It is life changing and life saving to post.So keep posting.

    Take care. We wish you the best. Remember: You do not have to do anything to prove you are a loving parent.

    You are a loving parent. Know that and take heart.

  8. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Welcome to the forum, Marc.

    It's great news that your daughter is saying this. That is of course the first step. The hardest part for them (and for us) when we decide we want to change is....actually changing....and then the third step...sticking to the change.

    It doesn't mean we aren't 100 percent sincere, but it also doesn't mean we can do it. We certainly can't do it on our own. It is nearly impossible.

    Stand back for right now, is my best advice. Be supportive in your words and in your tone of voice, but say little except that's great, I love you, and I know you can do it.

    When I started working hard on myself, it took a whole lot of tools to help me every single day. She will have to have tools, that is well-documented, and most addicts need rehab, a 12-step program, a sponsor, brand new friends, help with a job and learning new life skills...and most addicts relapse (like we do in our recovery from enabling).

    It helped me so much when I could see myself on the same road.

    Hang in there Marc. This IS a good day. It's up to her to walk the road, not you. Support can be just verbal and that is the best kind, in my opinion.

    We're here for you as you walk your own road. Welcome.
  9. Weathered Soul

    Weathered Soul New Member

    Im reading these posts and they help very much, no where can you get so many people who agree to a course of action.... it must be right,, thank you all and I will keep posting because it does help to share it with people who have this sadness in common.
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi OWS,
    I am sorry for your heart ache. I am pretty new to this forum, a few months posting. My daughter is on the streets, but frequents our neighborhood, there are dealers down the road from us.
    She has been on meth for as far as I know approximately three, or four years, maybe longer. She has come and gone, from our home. Each, time it was more apparent how far she has slipped into this world of meth.

    It is not a nice world.
    She still denies using, but all of the signs are there, including my finding her glass pipe.

    Several months ago, she showed up at the park where I coach, with her new boyfriend. He was very "street looking" but talked a good talk. It was all about how she needed to be with her family, needed help, etc.,etc. My husband and I bought it. Against my intuition, and just plain old common sense, mixed in with an intense desire to see our daughter come out of the grips of this drug, they came to stay with us. It became evident, that it was all a ruse. Boyfriend claimed he worked, actually would get up early and get out of the house. It was all lies. He eventually disappeared, according to daughter "picked up on an old warrant." Then she just slipped away. We didn't see her until recently, no contact, anything for 3 months.

    She came to the house 2 weeks ago, beat up and disheveled, very depressed and down. She did not want help to kick this thing, just a shower and some food. After that, I spoke with her and urged her to get help, she refused. I was besides myself. I had to watch her walk out the door, she simply cannot stay here.

    She showed up this weekend, a totally different person, happy and bubbly, on a moped she claimed to have "found." She was high. All of the feelings I had, the misery, the guilt, she was out there doing her thing, getting high on meth.

    I do not know your daughter or her boyfriend. I think it is safe to say, you probably do not know them either. Meth is a very insidious drug, I am sure you have researched it. It changes our loved ones. We see them as we knew them, but they are very different on meth, even off meth.

    Addicts lie a lot. They take advantage of our immense love for them, to get what they want. Without batting an eye.

    I hope it is true that your daughter wants to get clean. I hope her boyfriend feels the same way.

    I am sharing this with you, because I think it may help you from knowing a bit of my story.
    It may or may not, be different in your daughters case. I hope it is different.

    We live on a small island. We fear my daughter breaking in, it has happened before. The desperation of this addiction drives our loved ones to some very low places, places we never imagined. She has also brought some pretty scary looking characters to our house. People you or I, would never think of having as friends, nonetheless having over to our homes. These people are her "family" now, her choice.
    It feels dangerous to me, to know that this kind of people know where I live, and have probably helped my daughter, break into our home. I go to work, never knowing what I may find when I come home.

    My point in writing all of this to you, especially since you have two other kids and a wife, is that you are all much safer with your daughter five hours away. It may sound cruel, but it is true. Our daughters know how to tug at our heart strings. Your daughter may be sincere in her words, but COM is right, there has to be action. There are places where she is at, to find help to kick meth.

    Just be mindful , that since your girl has contacted you, she may try and try, to get you to cave.

    I would say, a good test of her intentions, is to stand back, and offer encouragement over the phone. You have raised her and loved her. You did the best job you could do.

    She is an adult now, it is up to her.

    She went down the wrong path, it is up to her to show you, through words and deed, that she is going down the path to recovery.

    You are in a good place, with distance between you. It is actually good for your daughter, believe it or not, because she has to embrace the struggle that will come, with changing her course, and do it of her own accord and desire.
    You will be her best cheerleader, with words of encouragement, distanced, and over the phone.

    This is safer for you, your family, and your home.

    My heart goes out to you, it is a very hard position to be in.
    The article on detachment,in the PE forum, is very good, I read it all the time to remind me I am on the right course. It has proven itself, with this newest contact with my daughter.

    Keep on building strength, and keep posting, it really helps to "talk" with folks on the same journey, no judgement, just advice and the camaraderie of being in the same boat, so to speak.

    Take care, OWS. You are not alone.
  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Oh, you changed your name again. Welcome Weathered Soul. I wish you did not have a need to be here, but it is a wonderful place to be, for folks on our journey.

    Peace to you
  12. Weathered Soul

    Weathered Soul New Member

    thank you leafy,
    I really appreciate your caring to share your heartbreak, it is a strange thing to know that others are dealing with this heartache and such a sad thing that somehow it helps to know others are traveling the same road, and yet horrible and would not wish this on your worst enemy. I am convinced that the correct path to take are the advise above of distance and staying away from trying to fix anything but giving love, supportive talk and advice only at a distance. I just need to remind myself of this all the time, it doesn't want to sink into and stay in my head, I seem to have to pause take a breath and just remind myself what my course of action is every time I come into contact with her, like breaking the prior programmed actions code in my head. I don't know if this makes any sense but that's the best way I can explain it. Maybe with time it will become second nature, but I don't think I will ever not feel the sorrow in what could have been, she was such a bright, loving girl and now you are right, I don't even know her anymore, like a stranger who makes horrible choices that bring death and destruction to any dreams she or I had for her. We go on because we have no choice but to go on, strangely taking strength from others who are on the same path and sharing our victories and misery... to cope with this loss and pain. thank you all for your support in the war God is Good! marc
  13. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi WS, it is a tough, heartbreaking road we are all on. If anything, if I can share my story, and it helps just one person, then there is some sort of meaning to it, you know?
    I thank you for your kind words. Yes, we share a strange connection and brotherhood, sisterhood, here. It really helps to be able to vent and share in this place, the others that are here, on the same journey, but a different timeline of events and experiences, are very kind and helpful.
    I am glad that you are feeling this way. It helps to understand the nature of the beast WS. What we are dealing with, our adult children on meth, they are different in their thought processes with this drug. That does not mean there is not hope for them. It means at this stage in their lives, we are not able to help them financially, it will be wasted on drugs. The kindest, most loving thing we can do, is let them develop their wings. It is counter intuitive. We want to rush in to help. I liken it to when they were young children, and fell, but weren't hurt. Our first instinct is to rush over and pick them up, when truly, if we teach children to get up, brush themselves off and keep playing, we have done them a great service. Instilling strength in our children is important.
    We won't be around forever to rescue our adult children. They need to recognize their choices are their downfall, and they must choose differently. This is up to them.
    This article is very helpful, I read it all the time to remind myself.
    Article on detachment
    It is a matter of retraining our patterns and responses. To let go and let God. It helps me to say a quick prayer about my two. If I have faith in God, then I can trust that He will watch over them.
    I have felt the same, it is very distressing this path our d cs are on. I have been introduced to Viktor Frankl here, he was a holocaust survivor and a renowned neurologist and psychiatrist. Here is a quote that gives me hope for my two, and actually has helped me to look at this dark time in their lives in a different way

    “Love is the only way to grasp another human being in the innermost core of his personality. No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him, which is not yet actualized but yet ought to be actualized. Furthermore, by his love, the loving person enables the beloved person to actualize these potentialities. By making him aware of what he can be and of what he should become, he makes these potentialities come true.”
    Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

    So, in other words, we can still visualize our d cs potentiality, and speak to them of it. It is part of detachment, actually. I will not be discussing drugs, or rehab with my two, it only causes negativity. They already know of these things.
    I will keep my conversations short with them, tell them I love them and that they are very talented unique individuals who have potential for a great future.
    So, rather then focus on the degradation and suffering, which makes me ill and stressed.
    I will focus on the fact that life and circumstance is constant change. I will project that in my speaking to and of my d c's.

    I am just thinking again on this now. You have helped me remember this, thank you.

    Yes, truly, God is good.
    I just love Maya Angelou.
    She suffered much in her life, but came out of the fire, to teach others.

    Love liberates. We are not chained to our d cs lifestyle choice. We are not obligated to take them in. Rather liberate them with love, and show them by our stance, that they are perfectly capable of making right decisions.
    This does not happen for them under our wings.
    They are passed that point. We parented them, raised them. Even if we did not, and they lived apart from us, they are adults.
    They must understand and learn their responsibility and duty to love themselves.
    I believe as Maya did, that words are powerful, so if we are careful with our words with our d cs, with our loved ones, maybe we can gently steer them to a different course.
    It is certainly worth a try.
    “Words are things. You must be careful, careful about calling people out of their names, using racial pejoratives and sexual pejoratives and all that ignorance. Don’t do that. Some day we’ll be able to measure the power of words. I think they are things. They get on the walls. They get in your wallpaper. They get in your rugs, in your upholstery, and your clothes, and finally in to you.”
    So, while we are aware of what our d cs are doing, we can let them know that we have hope for them to live a purposeful, meaningful life.

    I will be working on this too, WS.

    There has to be some point where we can go on and live our purposeful live, even in the face of this.

    Peace to you and yours
  14. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    oops typo,
    Live our purposeful LIFE, WS, we have a wonderful God given glorious purposeful life.
    Keep the faith.....
    good day to you
    take care and do good things for yourself

  15. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I love your new user name, WS!

    Stay with us and keep posting. Getting support is invaluable!

    Remember, her life is not over. It is really just beginning. She has the opportunity to do much with her life, if she chooses to. We just have to remember that it is her own life to live, and as much as we want to, we cant dictate their choices.

    The right thing to do is usually the hardest thing to do.

    Letting them live their own lives and make their own mistakes is so hard. But necessary. How else will they learn?

    We are learning, too.

    Hang tough, WS. We are here with you.