sad kitty

[Big Bad Kitty]

I am SO depressed. Can't exactly pinpoint why. There is probably a lot of "whys".

Don't think it is holiday depression. Not directly anyways. My shopping is done. My gifts are wrapped. My tree is lovely. I made a beautiful wreath. Tink and I make every imaginable different kind of ornament under the sun. But I am too embarrassed to go to the family get together on Christmas Eve. I gained so much weight since I quit smoking, I have nothing that fits, there is no way I am going. I missed my 20th HS reunion because of that too. But why do I care? Everyone just sat around getting smashed. Not what I would have wanted to sit and watch.

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, Matt's (DEX) father passed away. I was even too embarrassed to go to the wake. (and of course, this went beyond the weight; this was pretty much because our break up was rather abrupt, as was his move in with his current girlfriend) However, if you remember, I was not feeling too hot anyways, because I had gone for the pulmonary function test and had not taken any of my inhalers and therefore could not breathe very well... anyways, I made sure to tell Matt to let the family know that I sent my condolences and that I would have been there if I were not sick. Well my guilt got to me so I sent Matt's mom a Christmas card with Tink's picture. I also sent one to each of Tink's brothers (each of Matt's baby mamas). I have always been cool with Cari, who is Tink's oldest brother J's mom. But for a couple years now, Matt has told me that Joyce, who is K & B's mom, doesn't want me around K or B because I am a bad influence (?) so this was my first attempt at communication with her.

Cari calls me, says that she had seen Joyce at the wake and funeral, they got to talking and exchanged numbers. Joyce called her after she got the card and asked for my number. She then called me and we talked for hours. Matt, who I always knew was full of it, has been playing the 3 of us against eachother for years. Joyce never had a problem with me. All this time I could have been seeing those boys. But in conversation I found out way WAAAYYY more than I wanted to know about the past, like exactly when he began his infidelity and with whom. Like him telling her that Copper was pregnant. All kinds of stuff. I was happier not knowing. Ignorance is bliss. I did tell her not to tell me any more, but some of the stuff she assumed I knew...

SO, shouldn't I be ready to kill him? Shouldn't I want his head on a platter? NO!! I'm PINING FOR HIM!! WHAT THE #### is wrong with me? Between hearing about stuff that went on at the wake and funeral, hearing about family that I cared about for years, and getting to know my stepsons again, all this stuff that I thought I grieved and processed is back here in my face and I DON'T WANT IT HERE. I want to be DONE WITH IT. I look at his picture every day and just bawl. Not because I want it back, but because I mourn what could have been.

So yesterday Tink turned 7. It was supposed to be Matt's weekend with her, but he asked if we could trade weekends because he had a wedding on Saturday. I said sure (I wanted her for her birthday anyways). As the day went on, I wondered if he was going to call her. I went on his myspace and sent him a message. I just said "it would be nice if you called her for her birthday". All day long, no call. So last night, I go to type him a nasty message on myspace, and I see that his status thing says that he's "sad". Can you guess what I did? I did not send the message. Didn't want to upset him if he was already upset.

Somebody come over here, and slap me hard across the face.

I'm a wreck. I'm a friggin train wreck. I have been wanting to smoke again. I have not been to a meeting in WEEKS. I'm a disaster.

 

[HereWeGoAgain]

Hey BBK,

I am very sorry to hear that you are feeling so blue. Wish I could cheer you up. You're such a presence here, I always look forward to your posts. Can I say, I don't think isolating yourself from people is going to help? Anyway, I am sending all the good vibes I can!

 

[meowbunny]

First, GO TO A MEETING. You need it.

It is hard to let go of a soulmate. The love can easily turn to an obsession. You end up sacrificing yourself to keep them happy.

Of course you're unhappy. You found out a lot of things you really didn't want to know. You knew he wasn't perfect but you didn't know what all he had done, especially the total triangulation. Hon, you have a right to be sad about that.

As to your weight, I understand you not wanting people to see you. Those who love you may care because of health factors but they would want to see you regardless. Don't cheat them out of you because of ego. You're a wonderful person, a great friend with a wicked sense of humor. I might add you're also a super mom with a lot of strength. Please remember those things when you're feeling down.

And don't have that smoke -- I'll have one for you!

((((((((BBK)))))))

 

[nvts]

Instead of smacking your face can I send you a hug?

OMG, Kitty's human! Listen kiddo, what you're going through is normal. Everyone on this earth that has any sense goes through the "what if's"!

What if I stayed with him?
What if I hadn't quit smoking?
What if I hadn't gained the weight when I quit smoking?

Wouldn't that have been the better decision? Let's see: Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD), inhalers, thinner because you kept smoking - wouldn't you have been a lovely corpse!

Kitty, you gained weight. Ok. Right now what can you do about it? Exercise: not likely. Munch on healthier stuff?: wouldn't we all. The bottom line is you're a tremendously beautiful person who has so much to give. You're dealing with such an incredible amount of stress, memories, "shoulda-coulda-woulda's", naturally you're depressed.

As far as your ex. Step back: what would REALLY happened if you'd stayed with him? Can you look in a mirror and truly tell yourself that you and Tink would have been better off? Not likely.

At this time many, many people mourn what should have been (not what "could" have been)! We all deserve to have an ideal. Most of us don't get that. Reality is based on what "is".

Stop skipping stuff because you got heavier. Hop on a plus size website, go to "sale" or "clearance" stuff and pick yourself up an outfit.

Take pride in the fact that you have done what so many of us want to do but keep making excuses (I still smoke). So you gained some weight, but again, you're alive!

WE LOVE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE & NOT HOW YOU LOOK. Believe you're Orlando Bloom's (or whomever you choose) ideal woman and walk tall and with pride!

I'll bug you some more later just to make sure that you listened!

Beth

 

[1905]

I'm so sorry you're feeling blue. I know exactly how you feel about the weight. But I really think nobody cares other than you. Don't cheat yourself out of a good time. We're women,and this is what happens. It happens to men too, we don't look like we did when we were teenagers. Some days I feel like I can't go to work because I feel so fat. My friends laugh when I say that, and it does sound silly, but that's how I feel. Anyone who loves you, they want to see you, and don't care how you look.

As for your ex, I know the heart wants what the heart wants. You were told some info you didn't know-take a short while to be sad-give it it's due, but not one second more. Make a list of everything you have to be grateful for. That will make you feel better. That man, from what you say, is not any type of catch. He is not worthy of you!!! -Alyssa

 

[Abbey]

BBk,

I don't think there is a woman out there that doesn't empathize with you. BUT...

When I went to see my daughter this summer after not seeing her for a year, I was totally shocked when she met me at the airport. She has always struggled with her weight, but she gained 100 pounds in the last year. I barely recognized her. After the initial shock on my part I realized that she is totally comfortable with who she is. She still has that great sense of humor and hearty laugh.

A couple of days after I got there I did approach the subject of her weight. She is not in denial, but said it wasn't a priority to her at this point in her life. I never brought it up again.

Fast forward 6 months and I get a call last week from her. She has decided to go on Jenny Craig. I was thrilled and paid a year for her. SHE had to be the one to make that choice.

Go to your family event. SO WHAT if you've gained weight. Be proud of yourself and all you have done. Heck, quitting smoking is one huge accomplishment!

Take care,

Abbey

 

[totoro]

Oh Girl... I had a guy that strung my butt around for years... he was an addict. He was no good for me. Yet I always went back to him... I used with him. I did what ever he wanted to. I sat and waited.... He cheated on me. Who knows how many times.
Why? I don't know, I mean I can tell all of the reasons from the books and that make sense... but why do we do these things?
You have to find the strength from within, you have to believe that you are beautiful and that are the wonderful person we all see and love here. You have to expect more from life. You have to kick yourself in the %*&. And you have to give yourself a hug... we will also...

You have come SO far with your family and your self... The weight will come off when you are ready. It is not easy. Your health is important. DO not start smoking!!! Go to a meeting... keep talking. Keep posting... Put away his pictures for awhile if it helps...

You guys are not together because you are not meant to be together... he was not good for your soul. Ant man who causes a woman this much pain is not good.

We love you here and truly believe you will do better... and will get out of this funk.

BIG HUGS!!! I am sorry you are feeling blue.

 

[DammitJanet]

BBK...

I so understand exactly how you feel. I am fat...not phat...lol. Yes I use humor and pick at myself first...just call me the next Roseanne.

I dont tend to go out places either because of my weight. I would never go back to my old school functions. That was a lifetime ago. People can be cruel.

But ya know what...you have one up on me. You have managed to quit smoking. I am on doctors orders that Im under too much stress to attempt to stop smoking at this particular time...lmao.

 

[flutterbee]

BBK -

I noticed you haven't been on the board much lately. In fact, I got on just now to see if I saw you and if not I was going to send you a PM.

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain right now. I wish I could take it away. All I can do is tell you that you are a beautiful lady, with a heart the size of Texas and a sense of humor that doesn't stop and offer you my shoulder and all the hugs you need.

Grieve the 'coulda-woulda-shoulda's'. Then remember that those only would have happened had Matt truly been the right one for you. You got a taste of something beautiful; of course the pain of losing it is going to be great. I went through the same thing with a man who was totally wrong for me. I knew it then and I know it now. I was the one that ended it, but it didn't spare me any of the pain. I also know that I will never love someone again the way I loved him. I don't think we let ourselves. It hurts too much. Knowing all this and with 10 years that have passed, if he were to walk back into my life today I don't know if I could refuse him. How stupid is that?

You will get through this. And on those days that you can't seem to stand, we'll lift you up.

Have you talked to psychiatrist about all this? I'm wondering if a medication tweak or change isn't in order.

Love and (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

 

[trinityroyal]

{{{{{BBK}}}}}

It's natural and normal to get depressed about this. As you said, you're mourning the dream of what your relationship could have been not the reality of what it was. And since Christmas is a time for dreams, sometimes things hit harder at this time of year than they would at any other time. You've also had to deal with a lot this year, and it's exhausting.

You are a beautiful, strong woman, inside and out, weight gain or not. Don't let it beat you down, just try a little bit at a time to make changes that will help.

Take some time to rest and regain your strength. When you're ready, put on your armor. Until then, keep coming back for strength and hugs. Lean on us. We're here for you.

Trinity

 

['Chelle]

I'm sorry you're feeling so blue. I don't think you need a slap, just some hugs and scratches behind the kitty ears. When I do that to my kitties I know I feel better, so I hope it makes them better too. {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}

You have lots of reasons to feel blue, just don't let it overwhelm you. You found out some things about the ex that you'd rather not know, it happens. And no matter what anyone thinks, when you care for someone, it doesn't just go away even when things go wrong and you're no longer together. There were some good things that made you care in the first place, and those are the things you mourn losing, and will always be with you.

Yes, go to a meeting. You need to get out and get back to doing the things for you. Do something special just for you, and don't feel any guilt doing it, because we all need that special feeling once in a while. I would LOVE a massage right about now LOL.

And the weight issue, well you can let it keep you from things, or you can realize that extra weight is not who or what you are. You are a beautiful, strong, supportive, funny, bright woman, and it's a shame to hide that inside because you feel that weight is all anyone else will see. It's not, especially not to anyone who cares about you and wants to see you. Speaking from experience here, I am VERY overweight. I went to my 25 year HS reunion, and could have won the award for the person who gained the most weight if they had one. But I'm glad I went, I had fun, had great conversations with people that I hadn't even been friends with in HS, and if anyone cared that I was so heavy I didn't give a hoot. I've come to realize that I'm a good person, big or not, and anyone with a problem with my weight it's their problem not mine. You can always lose weight if you want FOR YOU, but please don't waste your life worrying about what other people think or let a number on a scale define who you are or what you do. Fat or thin, you're a wonderfully special person, I can tell from your posts here.

OH, and I tell my kids smoking is stinky like dog poo. You don't want to start that again do you?

 

[Scent of Cedar II]

NO!! I'm PINING FOR HIM!!

BBK?

Could it be the lost, misunderstood young woman who was so badly and cavalierly treated that you are pining for?

I think this has very little to do with anyone else.

I think we need to mourn our losses.

When we become caricatures of ourselves through trying to please others, through trying to figure out who and how they want us to be (whether that be a husband or ourselves, after watching all those stinking commercials that tell us who and how we should be)....

What?!?

Did I lose my chain of thought and put myself to sleep again?

Heh.

Just kidding.

Getting a little preachy, there!

Sorry.

What I am trying to say is that your sadness is for the girl and the young woman you were.

Honor your sorrow.

"Give your sorrow all the space and shelter its gentle origins demands."

Your true self is making her appearance I think, BBK.

And she is wonderful, and she is strong enough to see you through this.

I don't think this has one thing to do with some man who probaby wasn't worth spitting on ~ or he would not have done what he did.

Honorable people honor their commitments ~ whether to their employers, their children, their extended families or their spouses.

Do not allow yourself to feel blamed and guilty because the man you fell in love with when you were young and too romantic to see clearly turned out to be a dishonorable person.

That has nothing to do with you.

As to the weight issue?

So, start walking.

Or begin doing Yoga at home with video tapes or CDs from the library.

Honor the innocent young woman who survived her relationship with a dishonorable man.

It could happen to any one of us.

A dishonorable man does not mean we are dishonored.

It means we were mistaken.

And I want to add that of course he does not honor his obligations to his child.

He is a dishonorable man.

Expect nothing from him unless you have something he wants.

I am sorry, BBK.

I know you have been so sad, lately.

Things will be better, by and by.

Barbara

 

[Star*]

PINING for HIM? Are you SURE you didn't mean Pinning for him, as in voodoo doll? Honest to Pete kid - grab a sewing kit and head South. I'll splurge for the voodoo lawn darts.

All fun and games aside:

I think you're heart has taken inventory and forgotten to invite your brain on purpose. Your heart is missing and longing for all the things it thinks are missing. It will trick you by forgetting all the mean, rotten and horrible things that your brain would go "NO WAY SISTER GIRL uh uh, not putting up with that no more." and thus the brain looses to your heart, we're caught up in being in love with the feeling of love and adoration, all the while the brain sits upstairs tapping it's fingers and preparing the entire body for the windfall that it KNOWS will happen eventually. Because - it's happened before and history shows MORE than likely to repeat. Keep in mind - you've grown up, YOU have done things to better yourself, YOU are courageous and considerate - HE let's a 7 year old sit wondering on her birthday to go to a wedding. I'd have to ask WHY was the wedding more important? What was 'there' that was so much more important than his daughter?? Nothing I can think of.

Our own hearts can be the most selfish thing to ourselves. The heart can't see what it wants it can only feel what it thinks YOU need. Like the missing person who warms us at night, holds us in the kitchen and kisses our necks and can be a parking lot away and smile warming our whole world.

Mean time the brain is going (tap tap tap HELLO?) Isn't this the same man that snores, steals covers, farts, forgets your birthday and gives you a Billy Bass as your best gift on Christmas? Isnt' he the one that only hugs you in the kitchen when he wants romance in the bedroom or for you to stand on your already swollen feet after working 2 shifts while he sat home and did NOTHING = then says "Whats for dinner? Honey?" Isn't this the same man that shows up in the parking lot with a huge grin on his face making you think "He wants me" when what he's thinking about is "I want money because I have to take out my girlfriend".

Did you consider that while Tinks birthday is a milestone in HER life - it means something totally opposite in yours? It means O
DEAR LORD my heart took inventory = my baby is now 7 and I'm overweight, and I don't have a husband, I don't have my family around me for this occasion, I can't even say I'd like to have a drink because I've already been down that lonesome road - and if I smoke and die from cancer who will take care of Tink? It's like ALL your avenues of outlet that you used to have - are gone and your body is waging war on your heart, which is upsetting your brain and ultimately upsetting the bowels - which by the way really do control your entire body.

You ask What the #### is wrong with you? Simple - YOU are whats wrong with you. You have never GIVEN YOURSELF an atta girl. You have never told yourself "I AM REALLY WORTH MORE THAN THAT." You have probably never sat and had the three of yous conversation. It's really interesting. On top of that when have you given yourself time to mourn the losses of your dreams? You never took that time - You had to quit drinking, quit smoking, move, pack, take care of Copper, Tink - You know that the death of a dream can almost be more overwhelming that death of a person? Mostly because once that particular dream is over - we're stuck there going "OKAY NO ONE SHOWED ME HOW TO MOVE ON FROM HERE AND LOVE MYSELF." You had a good idea HOW to get to the dream - but once that dream was gone - you forgot to give yourself permission to have a new dream. And because you haven't ever given yourself permission to be okay, go forward, appreciate the you we know - your dreams will keep replaying and make you sad.

If I were there - we'd be at a coffee shop and getting looks for snarfing, and snorting I'm sure. If you want to know about the conversations with the three you's let me know. It's a really odd, little mental exercise and not as hokey pokey as you think.

I too have dreams about my x. But most of mine involve finding his grave and walking away with toilet paper stuck to my sneaker.
The day I dream about that mustard is the day I WILL commit myself to complete treatment with shock wands and a rubber mouth piece.

I'm glad we're friends - my world would be a darker place without your shining face and get me in trouble kind of humor.

Much love to you today
Big Hugs
Star

 

[goldenguru]

(((hugs)))

I can't add to all of the wisdom above.

I'm sorry you're blue.

Really sorry.

 

[KFld]

I'm sorry you are feeling so blue. I'm sure the holidays don't help at all. I know myself, even though I am in no way pining away for my s2bx, as a matter of fact everytime I have to have contact with him I thank god he did me the favor of having an affair and I don't have to deal with his bizarre behavior any more, I still find as the holidays get closer I'm feeling a little lonely, not for him, but for companionship.

Yesterday I spent the day on the couch because I wasn't feeling well, and I had the xmas tree lights on and the xmas music was playing and it made me feel very sad. I started wondering if I will be alone forever now. Not that I'm quite ready for a new relationship, but I guess I feel it's a little unfair that he has found somebody and he's such a jerk.

I think the holidays can make even the happiest people feel down at times. So many memories of different things throughout the years. I'm hoping this is all it is for you and once the holidays pass you can move on, get out of the house and start doing things for yourself.

Feel better please!!!!!

 

[ck1]

BBK: Just wanted to add my support and hugs!!! I agree with all the others and cannot add anything of value. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you too and pray you're feeling better soon!

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Not ignoring you guys.


Reading. Crying. Re-reading.


Will be back when I can speak.


:crying:

 

[busywend]

BBK - how long ago did you quite smoking?

About 6 months after I quit, I felt like I went crazy! I started to have major anxiety and very strange thoughts. Thoughts I would never have. Thoughts I KNEW were ridiculous. I tried Wellbutrin with not much help. It is getting better - it was a year quitting in Nov for me. I never expected that side effect from quitting smoking. I suppose it could be some other chemical change I am going through, but the quitting smoking just fits the most timing wise.

As far as weight. I have to say that losing a few pounds goes a LONG way to feeling better about ones self. It is HARD work, but sooooo very worth it.


HUGS!

 

[meowbunny]

BBK, I hope you're taking time to go to a meeting. I think that would be more help right now than anything we can say or do.

HUGS

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

As a matter of fact...

I quit about 6 months ago. And I am going absolutely nuts.

I cannot stop crying. I'm not suicidal, and I'm aware enough that if I got there I would know the right thing to do. I do not want to pick up a drink, and again, I would know what to do if it went that far.

But I am truly a mess. I'm having very disturbing thoughts. I did speak to my psychiatrist about them last week, he said they were likely stress related. Well I can blame ALL this on stress. Not helping me at all.

I do not wish to take my dex back. He is a SOLID ex. We've been apart going on 5 years and divorced going on 3. I just suddenly started grieving again out of the blue and I thought I was done. I just want it over with. Here is how much I don't want him: He lives across the street from me, not working, watching his youngest son so the mom can work, owing me, Joyce, and Cari child support out the ying-yang.

My weight makes me sick to my weighty stomach. I close my eyes when I walk past mirrors. I was supposed to start the process of lapband surgery back in the spring, when the whole breathing problem started. All surgeries have been postponed.

Thank you all for your kind words. Tink needs me now...gonna go eat her up...