I am SO depressed. Can't exactly pinpoint why. There is probably a lot of "whys". Don't think it is holiday depression. Not directly anyways. My shopping is done. My gifts are wrapped. My tree is lovely. I made a beautiful wreath. Tink and I make every imaginable different kind of ornament under the sun. But I am too embarrassed to go to the family get together on Christmas Eve. I gained so much weight since I quit smoking, I have nothing that fits, there is no way I am going. I missed my 20th HS reunion because of that too. But why do I care? Everyone just sat around getting smashed. Not what I would have wanted to sit and watch. As I mentioned a few weeks ago, Matt's (DEX) father passed away. I was even too embarrassed to go to the wake. (and of course, this went beyond the weight; this was pretty much because our break up was rather abrupt, as was his move in with his current girlfriend) However, if you remember, I was not feeling too hot anyways, because I had gone for the pulmonary function test and had not taken any of my inhalers and therefore could not breathe very well... anyways, I made sure to tell Matt to let the family know that I sent my condolences and that I would have been there if I were not sick. Well my guilt got to me so I sent Matt's mom a Christmas card with Tink's picture. I also sent one to each of Tink's brothers (each of Matt's baby mamas). I have always been cool with Cari, who is Tink's oldest brother J's mom. But for a couple years now, Matt has told me that Joyce, who is K & B's mom, doesn't want me around K or B because I am a bad influence (?) so this was my first attempt at communication with her. Cari calls me, says that she had seen Joyce at the wake and funeral, they got to talking and exchanged numbers. Joyce called her after she got the card and asked for my number. She then called me and we talked for hours. Matt, who I always knew was full of it, has been playing the 3 of us against eachother for years. Joyce never had a problem with me. All this time I could have been seeing those boys. But in conversation I found out way WAAAYYY more than I wanted to know about the past, like exactly when he began his infidelity and with whom. Like him telling her that Copper was pregnant. All kinds of stuff. I was happier not knowing. Ignorance is bliss. I did tell her not to tell me any more, but some of the stuff she assumed I knew... SO, shouldn't I be ready to kill him? Shouldn't I want his head on a platter? NO!! I'm PINING FOR HIM!! WHAT THE #### is wrong with me? Between hearing about stuff that went on at the wake and funeral, hearing about family that I cared about for years, and getting to know my stepsons again, all this stuff that I thought I grieved and processed is back here in my face and I DON'T WANT IT HERE. I want to be DONE WITH IT. I look at his picture every day and just bawl. Not because I want it back, but because I mourn what could have been. So yesterday Tink turned 7. It was supposed to be Matt's weekend with her, but he asked if we could trade weekends because he had a wedding on Saturday. I said sure (I wanted her for her birthday anyways). As the day went on, I wondered if he was going to call her. I went on his myspace and sent him a message. I just said "it would be nice if you called her for her birthday". All day long, no call. So last night, I go to type him a nasty message on myspace, and I see that his status thing says that he's "sad". Can you guess what I did? I did not send the message. Didn't want to upset him if he was already upset. Somebody come over here, and slap me hard across the face. I'm a wreck. I'm a friggin train wreck. I have been wanting to smoke again. I have not been to a meeting in WEEKS. I'm a disaster.