Sad news, could use some prayers please......

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by recoveringenabler, Mar 5, 2014.

  1. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My daughter's (ex) roommate texted my SO that her oldest cat, 20 years old, was having seizures so he had to take her to the vet and she died. My daughter has had this cat since she was a kitten and my daughter is very attached to her. When she hears this news she is going to be devastated and she is in jail, not a place conducive to grieving. I am very sad for her. I know how hard this is going to hit her. She has lost so much.

    If you can, please hold my daughter in your thoughts and prayers as she goes through another loss. Thank you.
  2. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    She is in my prayers RE. How sad. Kitty had a long life and it sounds like was very loved.
  3. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Oh dear. We'll remember losing my beloved cat Echo (!) after 20 some years. I missed her for years, a deep and real grief for my long time companion. I feel for your daughter. I hope she can find some comfort in memories.
    I will pray for her in her loss.

  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    So sad for your daughter. I know how attached we get to our furbabies. It is so hard to let them go.
  5. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Oh, Recovering...I will pray. I wonder if the jail has a chaplain who could break the news to your daughter and be with her for a bit.

    This is tough and painful under the best circumstances. Our vet told us once that this worst part of the pain is over in 3-4 days. We continue to grieve and miss them, of course....

    Again, I will pray...starting right this second.
  6. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Sending understanding hugs and prayers for your daughter. I'm so sorry to hear this, I know how difficult it is. It seems that no matter what your daughter has done or gone through, she's always looked after her cats with loving care and tenderness. It is so tough to suffer this loss.
  7. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    How awful for her. I've read that we can cremate our pets and have the ashes pressed into something pretty enough to wear as a necklace. I will try to find that link for you, Recovering.

  8. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    There are many persons who will do this, Recovering.
  9. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    I am sorry, RE. I know she doesn't need any more losses. My prayers for her and for you as you feel for her.
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank you.

    She just called me. The (ex) roommate sent a note to the jail which stated "your cat is dead." Nothing else on the page, just those words. She opened it and is now hysterical crying............the roommate's actions are so cruel it is difficult for me to fathom this. She had to get off the phone...........she was crying so heart just broke for her, not only to lose her cat, but to hear about it that one deserves that kind of treatment. I am very, very sad.
  11. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Ohhhh RE. I'm so so sorry. I know how much it hurts when our children hurt. I'm keeping you and your daughters in my thoughts and prayers.

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  12. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    That was supposed to be *daughter - singular not plural. I hate this darn phone!!!

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  13. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Is the ex roommate always a jerk? That was heartless. I

    Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders
  14. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks JKF and SS.

    Man, no matter how old your kids get when you hear them in that kind of place, that deep, deep hurt, it does something to your heart that is indescribable.

    Well SS, I think my daughter and this roommate have "issues" which I don't know anything about. I presume that note was some cruel payback for some real or imagined wrong he feels was done to him, I really don't know.

    My SO immediately texted the roommate and we found out the cat is at a local vet. I called and they were very kind and told me she passed away there, they actually didn't put her down. I can have her cremated or pick her up tomorrow and bury her. I'll wait to find out what my daughter wants to do and I'll handle that for her. I don't mind that, her cat has been a distant relative of mine as well, so I feel I want to make sure she has a decent closure to her life.

    I was thinking about this and this cat is the last living thing left from my daughter's former life with her husband. In fact, I think the cat is the last 'anything' leftover from that time in her life. I think for that reason alone, the cat had extraordinary significance to my daughter.........this cat has been by her side for 20 years, through thick and's been a rough journey for my daughter and the cat has been the one constant. My daughter is a bit of a hoarder and has enormous difficulty letting go of anything.......she has so much stuff it's remarkable and she continues adding to it all the time. Once her husband died, she just couldn't release anything, including the real grief she felt, it's been covered in anger and bitterness since then.

    The shock of that phone call from her has dissipated a little, it was so hard to listen to her cry like that and not be able to physically comfort her. If you all could continue sending good thoughts and prayers to us, I would so appreciate it. Thank you.
  15. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    It does, Recovering. But how healing for your daughter, to know you are there, loving her enough to hear her without turning away. It may be too soon for this, but even when it happened, I wondered at the timing. Your daughter is safe where she is, Recovering. Each of you have grown and changed so much that the dynamic between you is unrecognizable...and this happens, something so intimately connected to the heart of the original loss. Even the ex-roommate's cruelty is a kind of replay of the shock, of the unfixable horror, of your daughter's, and your family's, original loss.

    Miracles do happen, Recovering. They are not always wondrous or happy things. They are change events, times we look back on with wonder.

    I am sending you my warmth and strength and courage, Recovering. I think of you and of your daughter and granddaughter so many times each day and night.

    To me, it seems that this is the event you have prepared for, Recovering. There are the three generations. Here is the coldness, the callousness, the unchangeable nature, of the unexpected death.

    But you are different; stronger, happier, more certain of what love means and of where it can take us all.

    What you do naturally will be the right thing, Recovering. I don't know whether this will become the healing we hope for. But I do know that you will do your part, beautifully, gracefully, honestly, tenderly.

    As for my part in all this. Praying for your daughter, thinking about and understanding her situation in a different light, has changed my feelings ~ has melted some pocket of rage and resistance ~ toward my own daughter.

    It's as we discussed here once, Recovering. Nothing, nothing is wasted. I am honored, so grateful for the clarity, so grateful for my own growth.

    There is a meaning to it, there is a gift in this.

    The pain and the sadness are the cost of the healing. For once, Recovering, for just this little while, you are able to give to your daughter without holding back, without the fear of enabling. Because of where she is, there is literally nothing you can do for her now but love her, free and clear and easy and right.

    I don't know why it has to hurt this way.

    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  16. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank you Cedar, your words and the care behind them are so comforting to me.

    Thank you for saying that. Yesterday I was thinking along those same lines. Once the cat died and I realized how the cat was all that was left from the "husband" era, I realized that she was now "empty" of that life and in a safe enough place to perhaps have her feelings come forth. All of her outside stuff is mostly handled for her............and now the cat. And, me, here......... simply being present.

    She's been so hardened and bitter and angry for so, so long. I always wondered where all the grief went. Perhaps this can be the opportunity for her to just let go, let go of all of that sorrow,all of the losses she's that hard exterior she manufactured to be able to handle the enormous hurt can melt and allow my real daughter to show up. I don't know. Knowing what I know about denied feelings, that would be my wish for her.

    I spoke with her last night again and told her I would take care of the cat and bring her ashes home. She was crying so hard and so grateful that it made me pause, gratitude has not been my daughter's strong suit and this gratitude was so big and so heartfelt. For me, I felt "seen" in a different way...........many times in the past 14 years, since the suicide, I felt as if I were almost invisible to her. As if those of us, her daughter included, were out of her range of sight.

    I recall reading Brene Brown's statement about when you don't allow yourself to feel pain you also don't allow yourself to feel love and literally wipe all of it away. It's felt as if my daughter did that after her husbands death. Like she wouldn't allow herself to feel. And the armor she erected around her heart was MASSIVE and impenetrable. And................there wasn't a thing I could do about it. Much as I tried. With each loss she sustained, she remained hard and in fact got even harder.

    Then you add living at a survival level and having to daily fight the 'good fight' without money, without a job, without a home of your own and with the kind of "street" characters she has hung out with, is not only not conducive to 'feeling' you're almost too busy to feel, there is always the 'fight' to survive taking up all of your time and energy. She could spend a week trying to figure out a way to fix her car, when if you had money you just have it repaired and forget about it. But living at a survival level means all of your time and energy is devoted to simply surviving, manipulating, accessing, figuring stuff out...............she was always exhausted from it. But, clearly stuck IN IT.

    Having said all of that, I don't want to get engrossed in thinking that she will change, she may, she may not. Certainly it is an opportunity she could take, along with taking some classes she told me about, life skills, journaling, job options..........but, I am fully aware that she has to take this chance now, she has to make something happen from here on out. I can simply be present for her, loving her and allowing whatever happens to unfold in it's own natural way, whatever that is. I don't want to get into 'future thinking' or mulling over the past, I want to stay in the present and be okay with allowing things to unfold.

    Last night had meaning for me too. I was present for my daughter, AND I was also present for me. I was aware of my compassion for my daughter, which is usually there............however, I was fully aware of compassion for ME. I went through anger, not really related to my daughter, about my own life now felt more like just leftover "stuff" coming out. SO and I had a long talk about a lot of things, one of those times when you're able to express yourself clearly without reservation. It was healing and there is more of a sense of an opening, all around. I felt as if I emptied myself and in the emptying, I am freer, cleaner, more able to be present.

    Your assessment of this is spot on Cedar, I appreciate that you mirrored my own thoughts about it. Another gift of this board, to feel acknowledged and validated. Who knows what will happen? But, for right now, today, this moment in time, we are all doing okay. For that I feel grateful. You're right Cedar, it is a gift.
  17. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    And as the moms here Recovering, we need to see that a gift is a finite thing. Our daughters have chosen the lifestyles they've chosen for reasons we don't understand...but my daughter claims there is less fear in knowing you have nothing and will have to figure it out somehow than in engaging in a daily struggle to keep and attain and get more ~ in believing the next "thing" will fill and fulfill you.

    She calls that self reliance; she calls that freedom. She trusts herself to make it through, and that is all she trusts.

    I think that might be all she wants.

    It's like a different kind of acceptance, Recovering. But do you know that as I begin to be able to see all this a little bit...I have been laughing with my daughter, sharing in such a real way for just this little piece of time. Like your daughter Recovering, mine is in a space where she is safe, where she needs nothing, and where there is nothing I can do for her.

    And I am grateful for the gift and I am grateful for this time, because I think the future will be...will be hard, for me.

    I know what you mean, when you say you had compassion for yourself as you held strong for your daughter. I feel that same strange openness too, now.

    I suppose this is what it is to be present?

    Sort of not running away and hiding beneath the mother mask. The situation so totally sucks and yet...I don't know. It was so clearly a choice ~ no, not a choice, because once I saw, I could not unsee. Whatever happened, I am different.

    Laughter seems to be part of that, but at the same time, I feel so darn sad.

    It's a little scary.

  18. Oh recovering, i am so sorry about the loss your daughter has experienced. And to add insults to injury she had to hear it in such a cruel way, Gosh what is up with the ex-roommate? I don't know what to say but just wanted to let you know that you and your daughter will be in my thoughts and prayers as you mourn the loss of her beloved cat.
  19. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    That is very profound, clear, and intense. It is the place I want to be. Compassion for difficult child, and for me. Protection and love for difficult child, and for me. If you can't say it, can't think of it, you can't aim for it. Thank you for seeing it in your own life, and for saying it, Recovering.

    I feel so sorry for your daughter. But I feel your strength rising, and I have the idea that maybe hers is too.

    As for the roommate...all I can say is he is either a complete jerk (and difficult child's tend to surround themselves with those people) or he has totally had it with difficult child's behavior (and difficult child's have that effect on people). I would say difficult child's are at the receiving end of that kind of treatment more than most...usually they don't learn from it (I see...if I treat people THIS way then they get angry and treat me THAT way....I better not do THIS anymore...) but maybe they do. Maybe your difficult child will find her way towards kinder, more gentle people and then not wear them out. Maybe she can find compassion for herself, and compassion for you. I pray for that.

  20. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think that is crucial Cedar, not hiding behind ANY mask.

    I was reading When things fall apart (Chodron again) last night about a time in her own life where she arrived at the monastery where she would be the director. She felt herself to be a pretty okay person at that point and yet when she got there she fell apart. She did not have the defenses or the usual escape hatches, she was forced to live right in the moment with no masks............ she goes on to say, "If we commit ourselves to staying right where we are, then our experiences become very vivid. Things become very clear when there is no way to escape." She said, "we cannot be in the present and run our story lines at the same time!" "Impermanence becomes vivid in the present moment; so do compassion and wonder and courage. And, so does fear. In fact, anyone who stands on the edge of the unknown, fully in the present without reference point, experiences groundlessness. That's when our understanding goes deeper, when we find that the present moment is a pretty vulnerable place and that this can be completely unnerving and completely tender at the same time. What we're talking about is getting to know fear, becoming familiar with fear, looking it right in the eye, as a complete undoing of old ways of seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting and thinking. When we do this we are going to be completely humbled. This has to do with having the courage to die, the courage to die continually. When we stop there and don't act out, don't repress, don't blame it on anyone else, and don't blame it on ourselves, we encounter our heart."

    That's it Cedar, that's being real. The absolute joy and the sadness, all of it rolled into a life without the defenses we erect trying to make it different, to make it's not, there is tremendous suffering and absolute joy.............and they are all mingled together in our every day lives. I think meditating can help us balance it to some degree, but it does not remove us from the remarkable vivid reality of life. It's acknowledging the suffering and accepting it all just the way it is.

    Remember when I was talking about feeling so vulnerable? That was me opening up to ALL of it. If I can stay opened, I can flow with the changes without denying the feelings, I can feel it all and ride the waves in a more balanced way by accepting what is. Not repressing or denying the feelings or somehow being "above" them, but being in them totally, without interpreting them as good or bad, without the story, the past, the future..........just the now. It is getting to be the most liberation I have ever imagined feeling.

    It's a little scary because I believe you are now allowing all of the feelings to come forth without any mask. It's new.

    The future will be what it will be, perhaps not labeling it as hard will be more helpful for us. Perhaps allowing it to unfold freely and without our interpretations will be more valuable. If we are okay with ourselves and we can be in the present moment and not see things as right or wrong, or good or bad, perhaps we can just BE.

    Our daughters share those beliefs Cedar. Interesting isn't it? Perhaps they are living out the freedom that you and I repressed underneath the masks we wore. Perhaps in freeing ourselves, they can be free to live out the lives they are destined to live. OR perhaps these are the lives they are destined to live and we have to accept that and be okay with it...............and give them our complete acceptance without our mother masks involved. I don't know. All I know is that I am more in touch with LIFE, that wonder, that compassion, that vitality, then I have ever been before..............and that is a remarkable gift.