Sad this morning

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by crazymama30, May 28, 2009.

  1. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I had to do one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do this morning.

    I took difficult child to school,and he will be in ISS today and tommorrow and his class will be going to a sleep over at the zoo. He lost the trip due to his last issue, bringing Immodium to school and telling kids he got the pills from his gang.

    I realize he needs consequences, but it was so hard to drop him off when I saw all the other parents dropping off their kids with their overnight stuff wearing all the tie dye shirts they made special for the trip. My heart is breaking for him. He seems like it is no big deal, but I am not so sure. I will talk to him about it when he gets home.

    He even had me drop him off at the front of the school so he can go ask the principal what he is supposed to do after recess is over.

    I did not realize this was going to be so hard for me, I am holding back tears. It was hard enough when he brought home the tie dye shirt that he made. This is worse.
  2. cyncan

    cyncan Guest

    Hugs to you. I know exactly how you feel - been there a million times. One thing I learned, my difficult children did care - very much but would never admit it.

    Making their favorite dinner or watching a favorite movie tonight is a way to redirect the mind for a little while...and isn't interferring with consequences.

  3. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Good idea. We rented a movie the other day and have not watched it yet. Maybe we will do that, or I will play badmitton(sp) with him after he gets home.
  4. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I am so sorry. Just reading your post made my eyes well up.
    I hope he has learned from this.
    It may have been a worse punishment at a different school?

    I would just let him know you love him regardless and put it behind you, if he learned.

    Poor Momma Heart.
  5. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    I'm sorry. I can imagine how hard that would be for you.
  6. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Another school could have drug this out so long that he did not finish the school year, they could have called the police, they could have done so many other things and actually been within their rights. They have actually been really good to work with, especially when I read some stories on the board.

    Right now my emotional brain is taking over and telling me it is my fault, that I am not a good enough mother. My logical brain is fighting it with everything it has. This day hoovers. I hope tommorrow it is a little easier.
  7. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I am so sorry....

    We always want so many nice things and fun experiences for our children, and it is such a heartbreaker when their own actions sabatoge our hopes and plans.


  8. graceupongrace

    graceupongrace New Member

    Sorry it's been a tough morning.

    Please don't blame yourself. We moms tend to take on all the pain our kids feel, and then some.

  9. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I'm going to tell you this because I've been there so many times I lost count of the tears - BUT......maybe (MAYBE) this will help ease your weary heart.

    Dude and I played out your scenario several times and what's more heartbreaking to me is that he was RARELY in school - he was mostly in some Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or group home or hospital. So when he did have what I felt were moments of normality - it hurt a lot when the other kids were doing the fun things like tie-dye shirts and sleepovers - or in a Mother's mind....fitting in and having moments of normalcy - being like other kids.

    But NOT to worry - because (here's where it makes you feel better)

    A lot of times Dude sabotaged the trip on purpose so he COULD stay behind with some one on one time with a teacher - or other staff. MOST of the time he even admitted later he did not want to go with the other kids - which in a way makes you feel better as a parent to think this was a choice - but then you wonder - is he just saying that or did he really NOT want to go with the other kids.

    WEll why would he? DUdes standard response. The other kids were cruel often said things that didn't make Dude feel like being a part of it and later in his life would say that when he KNEW a fun thing was coming up? He could hold it together to go - and when I think back - he did.

    SO don't be so broken hearted - because in staying behind a lot of times our kids have more one on one time which is better for them and not the stigma of being "normal" or like everyone else - they know they're unique and neat kids - let him be what he is - and maybe that's NOT one of the "other kids" who did this sleepover thing.....maybe it's the bright kid who figured out a week ago how to get out of a dumb sleepover so he could get one on one time with a teacher....

    Just a different way of looking at it from a Mom of a kid who didn't LIKE to do whatever the other kids did. But it took HIM telling me that to ease my heart - but he didn't tell me until he was a lot older - like 15.....

    Hang in there -
    I know what you mean - really.
  10. recovering doormat

    recovering doormat Lapsed CDer

    You are a good mother. You are compassionate and empathetic, but you also realize that he broke a rule and he is suffering a natural consequence, which in my opinion is the best way for difficult child's to learn.

    Can I tell you something? My brother has taught at an affluent New England high school for the past ten years, history and social studies, regular and advanced placement. One student was consequenced with not attending a school-sponsored ski trip in Vermont because he did something seriously against the rules as school (not a criminal offense but something bad enough to get you banned from the trip). The trip was scheduled for winter break. What did his parents do? They felt so sorry for him that they scheduled a last-minute vacation that same week at the same resort, so their child could experience the ski trip with his classmates, even though he technically wasn't part of the group. He never suffered a consequence and the teachers and administrator's authority was seriously undermined.

    This kind of stuff goes on all the time in my community, and kids never learn, because mom and dad will always fix it. That, to a certain degree, is why I still have a difficult child at age 16.
  11. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Star, what you said is actually part of my torment. Over the last several months difficult child said many times that he did not want to go. Then he would say that he did. I thought part of the problem was that he had no pj's, he just sleeps in his boxers at home. He got to pick out his own pj's so he would have cool ones. After that he repeteadely said he wanted to go, talked about taking a camera and what food he could take on the bus. therapist thought he wanted to go, I did too.

    Now I wonder if I was pushing him to do what I would have wanted to do, what all the others would have wanted. That is not how I wanted to be with my son. I really do want to let him be himself, to have him be comfortable in his own skin.

    The school he is going to next year does LOTS of field work, lots of field trips. The 2nd day of school is a field trip that they usually do not allow parents on, but I have already been invited to go. I am now wondering if this is the school for him. He does not have to go there, it is a charter school. Many other things about it would be great for him, it is small, active learning, and does not shove square pegs in round holes, or however the saying goes.

    Right now I am doubting every decision I have ever made, and not in a good place. I will not stay in this place long.

    Guess I should not have cancelled my therapy appointment next week? Not probably the best way to try to save money.
  12. BestICan

    BestICan This community rocks.

    (((hugs))) I remember picking my difficult child up from his afterschool program instead of letting him go on a movie field trip because he had been foulmouthed in front of little kids. It was very hard for me, and he was very sad. (This wasn't intentional sabotage, just poor impulse control, and he did want to go very badly.)

    I do bring that up as an example from time to time to remind him that I do and will follow through with serious consequences. I think he's learned from it. Maybe this will be a good learning experience for your difficult child.