Sad to say I'm back!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by KFld, Feb 10, 2011.

  1. KFld

    KFld New Member

    As much as I hate to come back and tell everyone that my difficult child who was doing so well has relapsed because I am so upset and dissapointed, but I also feel like so many people here who I gave a glimmer of hope too will also be dissapointed and I feel guilty that I'm stealing that from you!!

    I stopped in quite a few months back to let you all know that my son had weened himself off of everything and was totally clean and I was so estatic that he was doing so well. My bubble was burst not too long ago when he called to tell me he went back on suboxone, but I was o.k. because he admitted he relapsed and got himself help right away, but then last week he came to see me to tell me he has been useing again, hasn't been paying his rent or utilities and is supposed to be out of his apartment by tomorrow! I know the first step is admitting you have a problem and need help, and he has done that already, but I am at the stage of practicing my detachment and it's not easy to get back into it after quite a few years of him doing well. He hooked up with an outpatient program at the beginning of the week and I'm trying to sit back and let him do his thing and make his choices. I told him I'm here for him to support him emotionally when he's making the right choices and reminded him once again that I love him with my whole heart, but I will not him too death.

    I'm not giving him any cash, I'm not offering him a place to live and I have been turning my cell phone off when I go to bed at night because it is the only way I can sleep, knowing he can't call me.

    I am looking for something though and I'm sure someone here can find it and send it to me. Its the saying about detatchment and what we can and can't do for them. One of you must know what I'm talking about. I used to have it laminated and hanging on my refrigerator as a constant reminder whenever I felt like I was getting suck in. I would appreciate it if anyone can copy and paste that to me or post it somewhere.

    Its been awhile, so I'm going to take sometime to read some other posts and see what is going on in everyone elses world, and I wish I could say I was happy to be back, but.........
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry he's relapsed again, I know it's incredibly frustrating. I'm glad he's admitted it, however, and is seeking help. Don't ever feel bad about coming back here to report disappointments, many of us have been there done that and we understand.

    Is this the link you mean?

    This might be a good time for you to check in with an Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meeting, if it's been awhile. Think of as a tune-up for your detachment skills :)

  3. KFld

    KFld New Member

    That is what I was looking for the "Letting go"
    I just copied and pasted it and will repost it on my refrigerator.

    I'm thinking about returning to alanon, but right now I feel I have learned and retained enough skills to help me stay strong and not get sucked in. If I find I'm moving backwards I will definitley go.

    I just can't believe I'm doing this again!!
  4. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    You know - truly the tragedy with difficult children it seems is the infinite roller coaster. It just breaks my heart. As soon as someone says oh, Matt is doing well, I want to clasp their mouth shut in fear it will jinx it. I mean, I really hate to think that the rest of my life will be filled with the ups and downs of him - because for so many years I thought there was an ultimate cure. I guess to some extent I still feel like that - I am not sure I am ready to accept that the rest of his life will be a roller coaster.

    Anyway, all of that to say - please do not in any way feel bad about coming back on the board and letting us support you. Gosh, to tell you the truth, the last time I remember you posting was maybe a couple of years ago (probably because I took some time off of the board). Last I remember, you got married? Or something similar???
  5. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Not married, but divorced and have been dating someone for 3 years now.

    I guess difficult child's do live a roller coaster for what seems like the rest of their lives. It sucks, but I guess we have to get used to it.
  6. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Karen, I'm sorry to see you back. Not that I don't want to see you, just wish it was under better circumstances.

    Really weird, I was thinking about you this morning. You and ScentofCedar - only I couldn't remember her screen name until just now.

    Stay strong and I will keep good thoughts for difficult child.
  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so sorry Karen. It is difficult after all this time to have this to worry about again.
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Yeah......well, if it were all only that simple huh kiddo? If it were? I'd have gotten one of those thingamabobs too. The upside to all this is? At least THIS time you knew WHERE to come, knew WHAT to ask for, and knew HOW quickly you needed to do it, and knew WHO to ask and didn't wait for the WHEN - Congratulations for taking care of YOU FIRST. That ......THAT should be the first rule of detachment, the first rule of living with an addict, the first rule for ourselves in nearly everything. Sounds selfish, but it isn't.

    My heart? Well it too breaks right along with yours for your son. No one wants this - no one wakes up or grows up and says "THIS is what I want to be when I grow up." But this time? THIS time he had a choice and you know HE made the choice - there's not guessing if the choice may have been made for him. THAT'S the part that inhales voilently. That's the part the makes my blood boil with every addict. That's the part that makes nearly everyone else walk away from them - when only certain people hang out continually and go down the tubes with them.

    That's the saddest part of it all for me.....always had been.....always will be. He had a choice, he has a choice every day. He made it -

    I'm so sorry for your pain -

    hugs and love
  9. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Aw karen, I'm so sorry difficult child relapsed. It's nice to see you for sure, but I wish it could be to tell us a good update as I'm sure you wish it was too. But these things happen.

    As for it dashing other parents hopes? Naw. I don't see it that way. Gives them a good hard look at reality. In all honesty? A difficult child will always be a difficult child. I can say that because I was a difficult child.......and while I no longer behave like a difficult child......that difficult child is still in there waiting for a chance to cut loose. lol When your child gains stability and starts doing can be so easy to decide they're pcs and all is well with the world. Been guilty of that myself. But simple fact is that they aren't PCs. While they may learn to live a good normalish life.......there are going to be bumps and backslides along the way. It's good for us to remind ourselves of that.

    It's good he's still trying. I hope he is able to get back onto the path.

  11. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Thanks everyone. Of course I knew exactly where to come to hear everything I need to hear. He called me last night from work asking me what time I go to work in the morning and if I could meet him for breakfast because he has to go to his meeting and outpatient program at 10:00 this morning and doesn't want to screw up before he goes, so he was hoping I could go to breakfast with him. At first I thought maybe I'll go in late, though I took most of Monday off to bring him to get hooked up with the outpatient program, but then he went on to tell me that the reason he wants to go to breakfast is because his girlfriend and some other people are at the house and he's afraid he's going to screw up because they are there!! My answer was, then make them leave, if you are serious about your recovery it's your choice to be around them or not, so if you are allowing them in your home, which he is supposed to be out of today anyway, then you have to make the choices. So I shut my cell phone off and went to bed and he can make his own choices to kick them out when he got home, or partake in whatever they are doing. His choice!!
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Way To Go Karen!!!
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Karen, actually it is nice to see you but obviously the reasons arent so nice. As others have said, most difficult child's will always be difficult child's but some do manage to age more gracefully than others. I have faced the fact that I will always have some major difficult child If Cory ever straightens out, I will probably drop dead from shock!

    I applaud your answer to your son's request for breakfast. It was brilliant.
  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sorry, old friend. It has been such a long, long road. on the other hand he was able to function independently for quite awhile, he is more mature now, I am thinking optimistic thoughts about the next steps he takes. Sadly addiction is a life long problem. My Dad was an alcoholic who joined AA when he was probably around 40 or so. He never slipped. He made many late night calls to help those who did. He often spoke at AA meetings. BUT up until his passing at the age of 70 he would unexpectedly say "I'm going out for a few hours". Those were the times when he (and only he) realized he needed the company of fellow AA members. Recognizing the signs in yourself that vulnerability is knocking at your soul, having a safe haven of escape and then following through before the need grabs you....those seem to be the lifelong steps to sobriety. I'm betting your son will fall back and regroup his life. As always I am rootin' for your family. DDD
  15. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

    I'm sure you must be exausted.

    Hugs from a CT neighbor .. .. ..
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911

  17. KFld

    KFld New Member

    He called me last night, from work which is a good thing, and was really stressed out because his girlfriend can go stay with her mother and he can't. He had told his landlord he was going to be out of his apartment yesterday but his plan was to get up this morning, pack everything in his car and go to work, but he had no idea where he is going to sleep until Wednesday. He gets paid on Tuesday and plans on moving into a long term weekly rate hotel on Wednesday. He just called me again stressed about where he's going to sleep and I know he was hoping I would say I'll pay for his hotel until Wednesday. Instead I told him to do something, which I know isn't right, but!!!! He hasn't been served an official eviction notice, which hopefully he won't, but I told him to get all his paperwork and everything he has to have and put it in his car before he goes to work today, then I told him just to clean everything out of his apartment but something to sleep on and just stay there until Wednesday. I don't believe his landlord can go in and do anything. I believe, and hopefully I'm not wrong, that it's against the law for his landlord to go in and remove his stuff and change the locks, especially because there is no eviction notice. At least he won't be sleeping in his car, because any of you who live in New England know what the weather has been like here this winter, YIKES!!! I know he has caused this situation himself, but it would kill me to know he was sleeping in his car.
    I think I'm doing the right thing here. I'm not offering money or a place to sleep, and he is going to his program, back on the suboxone and working so he has enough money for his hotel on Wednesday, so hopefully me telling him just to stay put until Wednesday wasn't the wrong advice. He seems to be on the right track as far as knowing what he has to do, so maybe he'll get back on track quickly this time.
    I know everyones bottom is different and some need to go much deeper to realize what they need to do, but I've learned from experience, his bottom doesn't need to go to far before he starts pulling himself back up. I'm keep my fingers crossed XXXXXXX
  18. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Karen, how's your easy child?? DDD
  19. KFld

    KFld New Member

    My easy child is doing great. She had a little rough go of it for awhile. She was dating a really nice kid about 2 years ago and he got into a bad car accident and ended up with a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), which really through her life into a tizzy for quite some time. they had a great relationship before the accident and afterwards she became his mother for a while and then finally had to walk away. It was sad, but now she's dating another nice guys. She's young!! She is still living with me, going to school, working. You know, all those things all of our kids should be doing right :)

    How's everything in your world?? Funny, I was just doing some house work and trying to figure out how many years ago we met on the ADHD board? It had to have been around 12 years ago or so!! Boy time flies when your having fun huh??
  20. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry he has relapsed but at least he is being honest and not hiding it. I think you are doing remarkeably well in letting him know you will support him when he is making good choices. My gfghas relapsed so many times over the past five months I can't really call it relapse anymore. She is currently going back to AA but the pattern is two weeks on two weeks off so we will see.