Hi all - I've been around but haven't posted myself in a while. It's been a long road for us since summer - lots of ups and down - never really knowing if difficult child is trying or not but it seems things have gone south again. difficult child is home now attending the local hs - driving and attending iop. It's been a long road - he is failing 2 out of only 4 classes he takes and barely passing the others - we have discovered he is using again. His home behavior is borderline - he's ok as long as he's not confronted about anything but as soon as he's told no or told he has to complete and show me his school work before going anywhere - the gloves come off. He's a junior this year and blowing his chances for a smooth transition to the next phase in life. He is probably going to be transferred to the alternative program within the next 2 weeks - he barely studied for midterms and either failed them or got Ds at a time when he needed to do as well as possible. The weird thing is he thinks he studied hard and still insists he did. So tonight we will confront him with the evidence we have of continued, committed use - we r going to tell him he may not use the car anymore until we see him trying to change his life - not trying to fool the adults around him. I'm exhausted. My husband says its not even worth sending him to rehab because he is not open to thinking he is causing any of his problems- I think he's right. My difficult child is only 17- so there's no real bargaining chip we have outside of the car. I suppose if he gets to crazy around here we'll take his phone too - it's all a futile effort. Let me be clear - as we take the car and limit his freedoms his reaction will be to stop doing school work and possibly refuse to go to school so here we go again facing the living hell that he will create in our home. We do have an in-home counseling program that comes 3 times per week so at least we have that support. I use many support through school and the community- but nothing stops his self destruction. If we had an extra $80k hanging around we would send him to a TBS for his sake and ours - but who has that?
Sad tonight
- Thread starter Zardo
- Start date
I'm so sorry Zardo. I would not go back to those days for all the tea in china or all the money in the world. I don't have much advice for you because we were in the same place you are now several years back and there was very little we could do to stop the downward spiral. I would not let him drive if he is using for sure, you can't risk him getting into an accident with your car and your insurance. I'm surprised IOP isn;t drug testign him. My difficult child got kicked out of IOP for using, they tested them every Monday and other times if they suspected something. He may just have to findout the hard way what his drug use will get him.
You need to find ways to stay sane, this is a terribly difficult time and it brought us to our knees and almost flattened us.
You need to find ways to stay sane, this is a terribly difficult time and it brought us to our knees and almost flattened us.
Calamity Jane
Well-Known Member
I'm so sorry, Zardo. I have been where you are - it was like going through hell, but you just have to keep on going. I'm sorry he's using again - that problem. explains the lack of effort in school. Even without drugs, how many 17 y/o boys even make any effort at all in school for the most part? It's just so hard when drugs enter the picture at that age.
Be encouraged that you are doing everything possible to get him on track and reinforce expectations for ownership of his actions. Be vigilant and consistent as parents, and you will know you've done everything to support a good outcome. Ultimately, the ball is in his court. Sending understanding hugs to you.
Be encouraged that you are doing everything possible to get him on track and reinforce expectations for ownership of his actions. Be vigilant and consistent as parents, and you will know you've done everything to support a good outcome. Ultimately, the ball is in his court. Sending understanding hugs to you.
Is he covered by health insurance? I'm not sure what TBS is but would it be covered? If so, I would find a way to send him somewhere until he turns 18 for your sake if not his.
I think 17 may have been our worst year with difficult child. I feel your pain.
~Kathy
I think 17 may have been our worst year with difficult child. I feel your pain.
~Kathy
rejectedmom
New Member
i am so sorry. I too have been in your shoes. I have no advice since you seem to be doing all you can do. Sending lots of support for you as you struggle through this. -RM
S
Signorina
Guest
Hey Zar, just want you to know that I am reading and I care. I understand the heartache, it's the hardest part. I found this board the day that my difficult child stunned us by walking out of our lives. I spent that night and many nights after googling for answers ... Only to find out that there aren't any answers, no fixes, no directions, no troubleshooting faqs for a difficult child. And I found that really hard to accept. Still do. I wanted a plan to fix him. (Still do)
Being powerless to " fix our child" goes against the very grain of our motherhood. We would fight to the death to save our child from anyone or anything that would hurt him...but that doesn't work when our child IS our child's greatest threat.
Anyway, the night I found the cd board, I also found an essay that touched my heart. In fact, I had a line from it in my signature for many months...it went something like this " each day I wake up with a desperate need to DO something...and then I realize there is nothing I can do, I just have to let it be."
Just know that you are not alone.
( I will find the link to the essay and edit this post to include it.)
Being powerless to " fix our child" goes against the very grain of our motherhood. We would fight to the death to save our child from anyone or anything that would hurt him...but that doesn't work when our child IS our child's greatest threat.
Anyway, the night I found the cd board, I also found an essay that touched my heart. In fact, I had a line from it in my signature for many months...it went something like this " each day I wake up with a desperate need to DO something...and then I realize there is nothing I can do, I just have to let it be."
Just know that you are not alone.
( I will find the link to the essay and edit this post to include it.)
We didn't confront last night - my husband and I decided it was best to wait until today as we will be able to talk to the Iop lead and home counselor. I am thinking that if his reaction is over the top it's time to register him with the court and put him on probation. We have tried everything - wilderness, counseling, iop, boarding school - he just cannot function. This time it was a scale and whip-it kits- no wonder his behavior is unstable. He has threatened that if we do put him on probation it will only make things worse and he will end up in detention because he will be so angry -"what parents call the cops on their kid". He blames us for most of his problems - if we would just get off his back everything would be ok. We are a normal family - nice house - loving parents and sister - dogs-cats the whole thing. How does this happen? My husband said last night that he feels like he doesn't have a son anymore - he's ashamed of him. I can't blame him. We have tried to help him - I talk to the school multiple times a week - I have sought out many avenues of help - what else is there? I do take care of myself - I go to the gym daily, go to counseling with my husband to work through the stress, attend a parent support group etc. Most of the time I stay strong - but I feel like we are at a crossroads of realizing we cannot help him. He is not stable in our home but there are no other options. Today he will get in my face - scream possibly throw a few things - maybe take off - I know what to do but that doesn't make it easy- it's sad to have to go up against your son. He will do these things because he sees us as the enemy - we need to stay out of his life - that life where he is failing out of school- possibly selling weed and using substances continually.
Calamity Jane
Well-Known Member
Oh, Zardo, I could have written your latest post a few years ago. It's like a flashback. At one point, our difficult child said he wished we would die, that he was going to die, that he would run away, that he wished we would leave him alone, get out of his business, that we were out of touch with the real world, you name it. He told the school we threatened him, and he called cps on us! We showed cps and the police the stash of drug paraphernalia we seized from his room. (husband wanted me to throw it out, but I hid it in case something like that happened.) He busted holes in his bedroom door, in the door leading to the garage, you name it - chaos reigned. Like Nancy, I wouldn't go back to those days for all the tea in China.
You and husband are doing all the right things. Have courage for each other and for your daughter, and of course don't give up on your son. Keep strong and united. These are dark days; you have our support.
You and husband are doing all the right things. Have courage for each other and for your daughter, and of course don't give up on your son. Keep strong and united. These are dark days; you have our support.
It is very sad. What parent calls the cops on their kid? Parents who see their kid out of control, using and selling drugs and making bad decisions with their lives that will follow them forever. Parents who have tried everything else and are so worried about their kid that they will do anything to save him from himself. Parents who have the wisdom to see his future, the future that he is throwing away. Parents,who love him so much and are so frightened for him that they will even call the cops on him. We were one of those parents and our daughter said the same thing. If you asked her now so would tell you that if we hadn't she would be in jail now.
Thinking of you today.
Thinking of you today.
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
Zardo.... I am thinking of you today. I too have been in your shoes, and like Jane said it is bring back flashbacks of those days. It is a horrible way to live and you have all my thoughts and supports. We too were one of those parents who called the police, more than once in fact. And I know a number of parents who have.... like Nancy said sometimes as a parent you have to do what you can for your kid, no matter how much they hate you for it at the time.
You are doing all the right things. Keep talking to your husband, it is more important now than ever to stay on the same page and to give each other support. This is a very tough road to be on.
I wish I had some magic advice but I don't. All I can suggest is what I think you are already doing... but be clear in eyour expectations, wait until you are calm so that you can deliver them calmly. Spell out the consequences, like for rexample you break the law here at home we will call the police. If he gets out of control and starts getting violent in any way, call the police. Believe me they get more of these calls than anyone knows. Its one of those things parents dont talk about.
One of the things I love about my alanon support group is it is the one place I go (besides this board) where other parents know what it is like to call the police on their kids... or to get those middle of the night phone calls from the police!!
Hugs - I am thinking of you today.
TL
You are doing all the right things. Keep talking to your husband, it is more important now than ever to stay on the same page and to give each other support. This is a very tough road to be on.
I wish I had some magic advice but I don't. All I can suggest is what I think you are already doing... but be clear in eyour expectations, wait until you are calm so that you can deliver them calmly. Spell out the consequences, like for rexample you break the law here at home we will call the police. If he gets out of control and starts getting violent in any way, call the police. Believe me they get more of these calls than anyone knows. Its one of those things parents dont talk about.
One of the things I love about my alanon support group is it is the one place I go (besides this board) where other parents know what it is like to call the police on their kids... or to get those middle of the night phone calls from the police!!
Hugs - I am thinking of you today.
TL
DDD
Well-Known Member
Like the others I am scared from those painful years. I'm so sorry that you have to travel this terrible path. The only two things that helped me survive were the CD family and learning to repeat the Serenity Prayer over and over and over again. Sending caring hugs your way. DDD
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
I remember those years too. All I can say is, be careful letting him drive your car. My daughter destroyed our van...fortunately she wasn't in an accident, in which she could have been hurt or hurt others, and our insurance would have been sky high...but she drove so fast that she literally destroyed the engine and it never worked again. And my husband is a mechanic...it was useless. Of course, she and her friends were high on this little road trip she decided to take (she told us she was just running to pick up her friend to bring her back to our house). Instead, well, we live in Wisconsin and she ended up in Minnesota standing outside the vehicle, calling us hysterical because it was on fire. I never recommend giving a drug using difficult child car privileges. It's for their safety and everyone else's too. Also, it can be costly for us.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It is very hard when they are not yet eighteen.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It is very hard when they are not yet eighteen.
Goodness gracious, Zardo, I could've just about written that, word for word. I live in your shoes. And have been for quite sometime. It's a very scary and horrible way to live. Excuse my language, but it pisses me off that we love and do the best for our kids, only to end up being the enemy in their eyes. I got to a point that I was scared to confront my difficult child about anything...grades, chores, job, etc. If he had used drugs within the past 24 hours, his reaction was to scream bloody murder at me, curse me, throw things, and on and on. I was just yelled and screamed at this past week when I informed him that I would be in court with him the next day. Well, that turned into me being a bi!#$, a worthless mother, I'm only adding fuel to the fire, etc. I was laying in my bed, actually writing a post on this forum, when he walked in acting like a demon. I was scared to death. Literally shaking in my own skin, crying. How can somebody that owns so much of our hearts treat us this way?
We too are a very loving family, and very normal family, as I'm sure most of CD members are. Cats. Dogs. Supportive parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles. Nice house. Nice jobs. Gym memberships. Family dinners. Family vacations. And a very disgruntled difficult child. I honestly believe that you can be the absolute best parent and role model in the world, but the minute our children step one foot off the path that we've taught them to walk, they will either make it or break it. They will either be leaders or followers. The decision is in their hands. And sadly, ours tossed the morals we taught them out the window, and became followers. I've always told my difficult child that life is about the decisions that he makes. And that's my battle now...realizing these are HIS mistakes, and HE must pay the cost...and I shouldn't feel guilty because it's what he has chosen. It's a daily battle. I pray that all of our difficult child's turn the page, sooner rather than later.
One last thought...and this is what I've been repeating over and over to myself.... a friend told me this one day and it was like a light bulb going off.... she said, "If you don't quite enabling him, and saving him, and start showing him tough love, you are literally going to love him to death. Literally". That was a hard pill to swallow. Yet helped open my eyes.
Huge hugs to you!!!!
P.S. Wasn't trying to make my post about me...just sharing that I know exactly where you are coming from.
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Update - difficult child raged today when he realized that the car keys are gone. We had planned to talk to him tonight, but you know - best laid plans.... So - he was furious. Luckily I was at work. When I got home, he asked to talk about it. I said no becauase "you know how you get - I won't talk until Dad's here" He insisted respectfully and promised to remain respectful. We ended up having a very impactful talk. He admitted that the things I found are his but that they are from before IOP. He said he was in a very bad place and he doesn't want to discuss it as he's too ashamed. He said he stopped everything but weed as soon as IOP began 2 months ago and clean of weed for at least a month and that he is really trying to change. He said he's sure I don't believe him, he wouldn't believe him and that that is the source of his frustration. He's trying hard and no one cares, everyone is suspicious of him. I told him it's hard to believe him when we constantly find things around the house - he agreed. He and I agreed that step one is to TOTALLY clean out his room and the car - getting rid of anything and everything from his using life. He offerred to take an at-home drug test and said the THC should be totally gone by now. I told him that would be a very big step in the right direction of him earning trust. He knows he doesn't have the car right now. Our home counselor suggested telling him that we will take him up on his home test offer and if/when it's totally clean, he can drive. He talked about school and how he is going to turn things around this quarter - he even sat down at a desk doing school work this afternoon. I feel like the terrible night has turned into a day with hope....we'll see - I have been here before - hoping he is sincere. As far as his anger goes - he acknowledged that it remains an issue. While I was at work, he threw a couple of things aroudn - mostly laundry. He apollogiezed and picked them all up. He had ruined a basket and later asked me how much they cost - said he wants to replace it because he is always breaking things in anger and he should have to replace it. We'll see....
Zardo, that's wonderful news! I hope he means every word. I'm NOT trying to be a pessimist my any means...and I'm sure you already know...but just be leery of his words right now. His actions alone will speak volumes. I'm only saying this because 6 days after I had my difficult child arrested, and he spent 3 days in jail, calling me nonstop, crying and begging, and scared to death, I caught him smoking in my house again.
Also, my difficult child always threw the "give me a drug test" line. And I did. His vice is the chemical called Spice. I'm not sure if you know anything about it, but it's labeled as incense, and can be bought in local smoke shops around my area (and I have heard of kids ordering it off line). It is very dangerous when smoked (which that's the main purpose of it, although it's labeled as incense), and it is killing kids every day. Doctors that I have spoken to compare the affects from it the same as LSD. It's HORRIBLE stuff. The kicker is that it doesn't show up in drug tests that can be purchased for home use. It's a special test, and even labs have a hard time detecting it because the makers of it are constantly changing the strains of chemicals they use in order for it to be kept on the market. I recently wrote the Governor to voice my concerns. One of the the side affects is major anger issues. Which was very apparent in my difficult child. I'm just sharing for your knowledge, as I was unaware of this substance until I found a package of it in my sons room.
Again, not trying to be a pessimist!!! Keeping my fingers crossed that your difficult child is seeing the light!
Also, my difficult child always threw the "give me a drug test" line. And I did. His vice is the chemical called Spice. I'm not sure if you know anything about it, but it's labeled as incense, and can be bought in local smoke shops around my area (and I have heard of kids ordering it off line). It is very dangerous when smoked (which that's the main purpose of it, although it's labeled as incense), and it is killing kids every day. Doctors that I have spoken to compare the affects from it the same as LSD. It's HORRIBLE stuff. The kicker is that it doesn't show up in drug tests that can be purchased for home use. It's a special test, and even labs have a hard time detecting it because the makers of it are constantly changing the strains of chemicals they use in order for it to be kept on the market. I recently wrote the Governor to voice my concerns. One of the the side affects is major anger issues. Which was very apparent in my difficult child. I'm just sharing for your knowledge, as I was unaware of this substance until I found a package of it in my sons room.
Again, not trying to be a pessimist!!! Keeping my fingers crossed that your difficult child is seeing the light!
Hi WG - thanks for yor response - unfortunately, I know far too much about Spice and it's effects and all sorts of other things that get around drug tests Robitussin - Ketamine - Whip its - etc. I know far more than I want to know and have become an expert in such matters. We've been at it here for a couple of years. I do know what you mean about waiting for the actions - even when they have good intentions difficult children are not great with follow through. So- it's one day at a time - and we'll keep trying to hold him accountable and push him forward. difficult children option are limited right now. He's at his final chance in the mainstream high school, we watch him like hawks and I am in daily communcation with his friends' parents - so there's not much I dont eventually find out.
Ok. Good deal!! When I talk to my friends about this stuff, they look at me like I have 3 heads. I guess it takes having to deal with it personally in order to have any knowledge about it. Like you, I know way more about it than I care to.
Can't wait to hear another good report on your difficult child!!!
Can't wait to hear another good report on your difficult child!!!
toughlovin
Well-Known Member
Yeah I know way more about over the counter drugs that dont show up on drug tests, as well as spice than I ever wanted to know!!! I think the thing that is more effective than drug testing is watching their behavior. When they are using their behavior always goes downhill so to me that is the best indicator.
TL
TL
