Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by crazymama30, May 6, 2008.

  1. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I guess I need to take back my earlier post in which I stated difficult child was doing better. I had a call from the school, and another boy brought cigarettes and a lighter to school, and they (3 boys including difficult child) smoked before school. From what difficult child said, he smoked because the boy who brought the smokes said he wouldn't be his friend if he did'nt.

    I did not expect to have to deal with this until middle school. They are in the 4th grade!!!I am just scared and disgusted. I am flabbergasted and speechless. I have had reservations about the boy who pressured difficult child into this for a while, and to the extent I can enforce it they will no longer be allowed to be friends. The school had difficult child call me and tell me what happened, and I told him at one point that friends do not want their friends to do bad things. That is not being a good friend.

    Part of me is so sad that he did this to try to keep a friend. My heart is weeping for him. He just wants to have someone to play with, and so few kids want to play with him and the ones that will I do not want around. We live in an area that has a lot of issues. It is not a slum, but it is an area of lower income housing.

    I am scared as I think what does his future hold? If he is trying cigarettes now, what will be next? I just want to crawl in a hole and weep. I just can't do this. I do not know what else to do.
  2. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    CM30, I'm so sorry to hear about this.
    I don't have any advice to offer, just {{{{{hugs}}}}}

  3. muts80

    muts80 New Member

    My difficult child is 9 1/2 and came home one day (about a month ago) telling me that he knew what sex was. I asked him who told him, and he said his friend "T" (who is 10). Then I asked him to tell me what sex was....and he said "it's when a boy and a girl lay together naked and kiss". Of course, you can imagine my reaction! I haven't even had "the talk" with him yet, so it bothers me that some kid already talked to him about it! To top that, he has (in his words) "made out" with this girl "T". So I'm thinking in my head...OMG, why are these kids learning this stuff so early now? I didn't know about this stuff until I was 11 or 12!!! And I found out from my MOTHER, not from some kid at school! So I guess all I'm saying is I FEEL YOUR SADNESS!! It breaks my heart that he is already aware of these things, and he still so little. The only advice I have for you is to keep doing what you are doing. You already talked to him about how friends should treat him...and that's something you need to remind him of every morning before school. Tell him that he deserves friends that respect him. That will definitely plant a seed in his head. And maybe he will think of that when something like this happens again. That's all you can do really. It's only going to get worse as they get older...they are going to have peer pressure everyday, trying to get them to do even worse things than smoking (as I'm sure you remember). But by you planting that seed, and reminding him often about respect, you have done what any good parent would do. After that, it's up to him. I know it's hard to "let go" at such an early age...but the pressure is already there, and there isn't much you can do about that...unless you keep him in a bubble (which I've concidered a few times in my difficult child's life LOL!!). And I think it's definitely a good idea to keep him and the other boy apart! That is totally your decision...and it's ok! I've had to do the same with my difficult child and "T". He's SOOO not happy with that, but he'll get over it.

    I hope my advice helped a little. Big hugs to you!
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry. It's hard when they do stuff like this to be liked. My difficult child hasn't tried cigarettes yet. However, he is easily talked into things. One day last week a boy told difficult child to slap a girl on the butt. He missed her bottom but still ended up hitting her and landed in ISS. We try to tell him to make better choices but he just so wants to have some friends he does these things. Gentle hugs.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I know this hurts your heart - your baby did something that can lead to serious medical problems if it becomes a habit. It hurts also to see them lose that bit of innocence. I don't have advice, just hugs,

  6. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    WO, I think that my difficult child just wants to have friends so badly, just like your difficult child. I am still fighting off tears, as I am just torn up. I just don't know what to do. I had him write I won't smoke 100 times, and we looked at pictures of smokers lungs and healthy lungs on the internet and talked about what smoking does. For some reason I just feel like this is all my fault. Maybe cuz I just quit smoking 3 months ago. I just feel horrible.
  7. tryinghard

    tryinghard New Member


    My heart goes out to you. My difficult child has done something very similar. With little impluse control he has stolen candy from a teachers desk, broken a neighbors glass window (not confessed until another neighbor told us what he had done), shot at a car with an air soft gun and then ran from our neighborhood security and the cars driver.

    After ALL of these events i was SICK to my stomach for weeks. My husband put things a little bit into perspective when he reminded me that it is our job as parents to use these moments to teach our children.

    It sounds like from your last post that is exactly what you did. BRAVO MOM!!!

    He reminded me that this gives us "teachable moments" while he is young, hopefully before he gets older and does something really bad with out the benefit of having a "teachable moment" earlier in life.

    Is it a guarantee that nothing will happen in the future, of course not...but I believe it plants a seed.

    I smoked a cigarette for the first time when I was in second grade! I am 42 so that was a while ago.:crazy1: My Dad smelled it on me when I came home. I can still remember the sadness in my father's eyes and how he explained to me that he had been a chain smoker before I was born. The day he held me for the first time, he vowed to quit because he wanted to live to see my kids. It broke my heart that I had let my father down. I NEVER touched a cigarette again, nor have I ever done any type of drugs. I drink socially and I have gotten drunk twice in my life. I am a very respectible and "normal" person!!

    I often wonder if that "teachable event" had not happened if I would have smoked and done other things as I got older? Who knows, but gosh did it leave an impression on my. It is burned in my mind like it was yesterday.

    If either of my kids had been caught smoking cigarette in second grade I would have thought they were doomed for a life of addiction!

    Please be gentle on have set a great example by quitting. This is not your fault.

    I hope your heart is a little lighter today.
    Kids do not always make the best decisions...for that matter..nor do adults some times!

    I am sure you already told difficult child that real friends do not ask you to do anything that is wrong and that no friend is worth getting into trouble for.....

    HUGS TO YOU AND difficult child...this too will pass:faint: