Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MidwestMom, Sep 11, 2014.
Sounds like she is in a crisis situation with her adult son.
Thank you for posting this here. I have sorted out my banking stuff, got a new card. I spoke with my son's partner and have stated I wish no contact. If have to I will see about a restraining order. I have blocked his number on my phone.
I am done like dinner with him.
Like Mrs Doubtfire?
"Help is on the way!"
Done like dinner?
Now, that's funny!
P.S. Posted to you on General, Sadcat.
Thank you Midwestmom!
It has been an emotional 24 + hours.
A little background. My son is 22. Clean now for a little over a year, working on rebuilding trust and such. He has always been "high maintenance" in every sense of the word. He doesn't like no for an answer and has demonstrated abusive behaviour in the past. It has taken the last year for me to 'trust' him again, over this last summer.
Or maybe I was a dupe.
Because all of it fell apart this last week when I said, "No".
Police called, lost money - I will not press charges but am considering a restraint order if he attempts to contact me. I think the hardest part for me is the worry he is using again. I will not be party to that. It's been a long day.
I know I have trouble with boundaries, I am working on that.
Well I have contacted the police again today. Will be meeting them over there tomorrow hopefully. Refuse to talk to son and now his partner has also blocked me from contacting through them. I did buy him a chair for school which we were planning on returning before this all happened. Well, I would like my money back on the chair - he seems to think he can return it without a reciept.
I have called the store and they are alerted as he still has my (cancelled and reported stolen) bank card. At least they have sent out a memo to other store managers that he may come to return the thing.
I don't want to weaken and cave in and talk with him. I cannot do this anymore?
Any more advice? Does time help? Do things change?
Sadcat, you are in the inch-by-inch, hour-by-hour trenches. I've been there a lot lately.
The challenge is this: The feelings are so powerful and so bad that you want them to just....stop. We are sometimes frantic with it all. Our minds are racing. We have to ACT on these feelings, we think.
Fear, anger, despair, hopelessness, deep grief. I promise you, these feelings will not kill you, if you allow them to come and just rest in the feelings for a while.
Don't act on your feelings. That is the challenge.
Let them flow over you and through you and just sit and....feel them. Cry, Stare, Sleep, Pound a Pillow. Then, after a while, get up and write it all down in a journal. Let it all flow. Just type or write as fast as your hands can do it, with all of the thoughts and hopes and fears and anger that is in your head and heart.
Then, take a walk, take a nap, get some flowers for your kitchen table, let some time go by.
This is about you, not him. He doesn't figure into this, right now.
Don't answer the phone, texts, emails, FB messages, the door. Let it all go.
Create some space and distance and time between you and him.
You need all of your energy for you, and for the police and what you need to do for YOU right now.
You are a full time job. Leaving no time for part-time jobs---him.
No, you can't do this anymore. Neither can I. If we can carve out a space, have some time, have a break from the madness and the pain, we can inch our way back to level ground.
Then, we can stand up, look around, and THEN see if there is anything to be done right now.
For years I kept my feelings at bay because I was terrified of them. I acted, instead of feeling my own feelings. Today, I have changed that neural pathway.
I can feel my feelings because I know they will not kill me. I can do it, because I know that by doing it, the next step is on the pathway to peace.
Peace and serenity and contentment and joy and happiness. That is what we are seeking. Regardless of what difficult child is doing or not. And we can have it, if we work for it.
I hope you are reading Co-Dependent No more by Melody Beattie. It will help you a lot.
Warm hugs. Keep sharing. We get it. We really do. I am praying for you and your son today.
Thank you Childofmine, what you have said has touched me deeply. I will look for this book you mention.
I am doing things just for me today. I am not talking with him and have no desire too. In the past I would already be worrying. Now, I just feel repulsed.
This board is amazing - I really didn't realise how NOT alone I am in this. It is so sad there are so many kids like ours.
Hello, Sadcat, and Good Morning.
Remember Robin Williams in Good Morning, Vietnam?
That is the sound of the "Good Morning" I am sending you.
We parents are warriors, Sadcat. We are fighting for our children's lives, and there are no holds barred.
So...GOOD MORNING, Sadcat!
How are you, how is your son, this morning?
Hello Cedar, I am actually feeling much more positive and strong. Have read some things on here I have been keeping in my mind, especially when it wants to go back to 'enabling' thoughts!
I have no idea how my son is, as I am not contacting him. I feel better about this then when I think I should try to talk with him. I feel there is really nothing left to say right now.
I am also learning that I don't 'have' to talk with him, especially after what happened. I am sure he will eventually call me, text me or message me, but for now, those will go unanswered - unless he's 'bleeding out'.
Thank you for asking Cedar! I hope that all is well with you too today
Sadcat, I feel for you. I hope you know we all do.
If they steal from us they are either on drugs or bordering on antisocial traits. Neither is healthy for other people. I felt totally violated when my son put thousands on me and my ex's credit card to pay for videogames and porn. He is very bright too and memorized the numbers so he actually never had the card in his possession. I should say cards. He was also abusive to both of us and on the border of getting physical with me. He actually did get physical with my ex, who has never been in good health. Although I talk to him and he is now working in a good job and has his own house and seems to be a good father, I don't trust him still. When he gets upset, he goes ballistic and I know he can never live with us again. His siblings don't want anything to do with him.
I can never put my guard down with him because you never know when he is being genuine and when he is conning you. And with him it isn't drugs. It's his personality.
Keep your guard up. Go to Narc-Anon. See a therapist. Do really nice things for yourself. Hang around with loved ones who are nice to you. Take good care of a very important person....yourself. Let your son and his partner deal with each other. You can't fix him. None of us can. Oh, how we wish we could! If anyone has ever fixed a person against th at person's will, I'd love for that person to post his/her story here.
Many of our grown children don't even think t hey have a problem. You can't talk sense into somebody who likes to blame everyone else, especially us.
Take good care of yourself!
Sad Cat, welcome. I'm sorry you are going through this with your son. We can all relate to your story.
First and foremost, get some support for yourself, a 12 step group, Al Anon, Narc Anon, CoDa, Families Anonymous, or a therapist or a parent group or all of the above. This is hard stuff, we all need help to get through it.
You may want to read the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment. Most of us here on the Parent Emeritus Forum are in various stages of detaching from our adult kids. Not that we don't love them, we do, we are learning to place the focus on ourselves and distance ourselves from the bad behavior and bad choices of our kids because we have NO control over another persons behaviors or choices. Once we can learn to do that, to set boundaries and get clear on what we are willing to do and what we are NOT willing to do, our lives improve.
Often we've been at this for a very long time and we have forgotten that WE MATTER. We have forgotten how to take care of ourselves, put our needs first, make sure we are nurtured, nourished and well cared for. We have to begin to shift that and make ourselves the focus and the priority. Once we begin to do that, we begin to feel a lot better. The depletion, exhaustion, resentments and angers start to dissipate.
You're not alone anymore. We're glad you're here with us. Keep posting it helps a lot. Take very good care of YOU. Welcome.
I didnt go over and read your other post but I take it your son stole either money or credit cards from you. Im so sorry. The violation we feel when that happens is so bad. I know it has happened to me more than once.
I finally found the back bone to stand up to him several years ago when he stole from me when I got a settlement from social security disability. That was the straw that broke me. I pressed charges so I could get my money back from the bank. (he forged checks)
It worked for quite awhile to keep him on the straight and narrow but a year or so ago he became addicted to drugs and started stealing again. This time I didnt press charges. I didnt think it would help plus the last time they made some of his punishments confinement at my home. I didnt want to deal with that again.
Well deciding what to do now. Part of me says write it off and keep your distance. The other part says go ahead and get the chair and return it - but can you believe (I know you all can) that he thinks if I return it he will still get a new chair?
I am really not sure what to do - I feel sick to my stomach even thinking I would have to see him. I just want to put it off - we have another two weeks to return that thing if need be and I really don't want to deal with him right now - at all. on the other hand what will putting this off accomplish? Not much I guess.
Sitting here feeling like crap again. Now I just want to 'hide'. Enough!
Do what is best for YOU not for your son. If something makes you frightened or uncomfortable, don't do it. Take care of yourself. Don't force yourself to do something that makes you feel sick.
Thanks... I am learning. Slowly, by force since I just can't do this anymore. This is very good advice.
Separate names with a comma.