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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 670250" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi SP,</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>We on this board often talk about how hard the holidays are when our DCs are off the rails. I remember hurting a lot due to "what ifs" and "whys" at his birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving and even my birthday when I didn't hear from him. </p><p></p><p>I'm a Cinderella-story kind of person so I take that type of thing particularly hard too. </p><p></p><p>What helped me was establishing some new traditions "in his name." One thing I adopted (I think Cedar gave us this idea...??) was lighting a white candle for him. Somehow that helped me, to signify him. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is true. And not only the truth of it, but I tried to understand that there were things about my son's life (on the streets) that he really liked. In fact, he preferred it. That was hard for me to wrap my head around, but that was a good thing to spend time on because a lot of my recovery was around realizing that he and I are different. We are not the same person. We don't want the same things. We value life differently. That was helpful for me in detaching from him with love. </p><p></p><p>People make choices. Choices have consequences. I would get out of my Cinderella thinking and focus on these things, the realities of life, as much as possible, through writing and reading and learning new ways of thinking and behaving from great authors here, in the book Boundaries, in Pema Chodron's writings, in Brene Brown's writings. Those things helped me change my wishful thinking. </p><p></p><p>It still hurt, make no mistake about it. But I think part of this is feeling the pain, honoring the pain, still realizing we can't change another person, and changing our own thinking and behavior in full light of it all. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes it should...in our minds. We had a plan for them, and that plan has been seriously derailed. But it was OUR PLAN, not their plan. That is the problem and the disconnect. Now, I don't think my son's plan ever involved being in jail or being homeless or being addicted to prescription drugs, but his plan did involved doing life his own way, regardless. So.....okay....that comes with consequences. It took him between five and six years (long, long, long years for me) of the worst possible times to decide to do life differently. </p><p></p><p>I had to get out of the way and go through multiple holidays, birthdays and family times without him. It was really sad and I cried a lot. But I survived it, and you will too. </p><p></p><p>Warm hugs right now. Enjoy the people right in front of you. Enjoy yourself. Be kind to yourself, especially at this time of year. Wrap yourself in warm, gentle practices like taking a nap, buying flowers for your kitchen table, sitting and reading a magazine in the sunshine, taking a bubble bath. </p><p></p><p>You are worthy of all of this. </p><p></p><p>And we're here for you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 670250, member: 17542"] Hi SP, We on this board often talk about how hard the holidays are when our DCs are off the rails. I remember hurting a lot due to "what ifs" and "whys" at his birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving and even my birthday when I didn't hear from him. I'm a Cinderella-story kind of person so I take that type of thing particularly hard too. What helped me was establishing some new traditions "in his name." One thing I adopted (I think Cedar gave us this idea...??) was lighting a white candle for him. Somehow that helped me, to signify him. This is true. And not only the truth of it, but I tried to understand that there were things about my son's life (on the streets) that he really liked. In fact, he preferred it. That was hard for me to wrap my head around, but that was a good thing to spend time on because a lot of my recovery was around realizing that he and I are different. We are not the same person. We don't want the same things. We value life differently. That was helpful for me in detaching from him with love. People make choices. Choices have consequences. I would get out of my Cinderella thinking and focus on these things, the realities of life, as much as possible, through writing and reading and learning new ways of thinking and behaving from great authors here, in the book Boundaries, in Pema Chodron's writings, in Brene Brown's writings. Those things helped me change my wishful thinking. It still hurt, make no mistake about it. But I think part of this is feeling the pain, honoring the pain, still realizing we can't change another person, and changing our own thinking and behavior in full light of it all. Yes it should...in our minds. We had a plan for them, and that plan has been seriously derailed. But it was OUR PLAN, not their plan. That is the problem and the disconnect. Now, I don't think my son's plan ever involved being in jail or being homeless or being addicted to prescription drugs, but his plan did involved doing life his own way, regardless. So.....okay....that comes with consequences. It took him between five and six years (long, long, long years for me) of the worst possible times to decide to do life differently. I had to get out of the way and go through multiple holidays, birthdays and family times without him. It was really sad and I cried a lot. But I survived it, and you will too. Warm hugs right now. Enjoy the people right in front of you. Enjoy yourself. Be kind to yourself, especially at this time of year. Wrap yourself in warm, gentle practices like taking a nap, buying flowers for your kitchen table, sitting and reading a magazine in the sunshine, taking a bubble bath. You are worthy of all of this. And we're here for you. [/QUOTE]
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