Blondiesbf
New Member
Hello,
I'm thinking you are possibly the best find I never wanted to find!
I feel broken, chewed up, spit out, hopeful, hopeless, angry and sad. Please feel free to add any other adjectives that apply!
My name is Sheila and I have a 20 year old son as well as a 21 year old son. The 20 year old, Ricky, is the cause of my anguish.
R is a very intelligent boy. He had a scholarship to college and studied aerospace engineering for a year. He also learned to fly that year. The second semester was when the telltale signs started. He dropped two classes he was failing. However, we were 'blind' to what was going on.
He came home not knowing what he wanted to study in school. We suggested community college to work on his pre-requisites but he refused. Instead, in an odd turn, he chose to attend culinary school, which didn't start until October.
In the meantime, we went on a two week vacation to Mexico. While there, we discovered both the boys had their licenses suspended for underage drinking. When we returned, we took away R's car...C had already self-imposed. That night, R got very drunk. He ended up wandering the neighborhood, pounded on a neighbor's door, broke their car door handle and was returned to us by the police at 0430. We convinced the neighbor not to press charges and paid for the car repair. Shortly after his return to us by the police, I found him tying a tie around his ceiling fan. I will never forget that moment. Did we do anything? No. Our first major fail.
He went to school the next day, despite our despair over the previous nights events. That seemed to go well at first as he worked out a ride between his dorm and the main campus. Several months later, I received a letter that he had missed quite a few classes and was on probation. Shortly after, he quit that school, claiming it wasn't for him. Instead of coming home, he moved in with a 25 year old girl.
That eventually didn't work out for him as he didn't make enough money to pay for rent, food, etc. She also bought alcohol for him and it was causing problems...so much so she called us one Sunday saying R was very drunk. At one point he had passed out in the shower and was acting beligerent. She also revealed to us he had been cutting himself. We took him to the ER for psychiatric evaluation. He admitted to some depression as well as being bisexual. After several hours, they chose to release him. A few weeks later, he returned home.
Since then, he has kept a job at BK, barely enough hours to pay his bills, which he is now 3 months behind. He makes enough to pay us his car payment, insurance and rent.
Discussing his future causes arguements. Last week, yet another binge occured. He got drunk with his friends in STL. On the way back, he jumped out of the car at a stop light and took off running: no shoes, no phone, no car, no money. The boys searched for him, couldn't find him, and finally called us at 0600. C spent four hours looking for him but couldn't find him. I left work to return home crying, frought with worry. As I was making contact to file a missing persons report, I received word a good sam found him under an overpass and was bringing him home. When he arrived, he was filthy, but safe. He figured once he cleaned up, he was going to take off to go swimming with his friends. Not so. We "repo'd" the car. His thoughts were he's home, he's safe, it's over so let's just move on. He doesn't fully get what he put us through that day. The next day, he demanded his car or he would move out. As hard as it was for me, though not hubby, the answer remained, and has remained no. He said he was going to drain his account and go live somewhere. He hasn't done so yet.
I spoke at length with his friends as I had no where else to reach out to. Mind you, I did have a counseling appointment schedulded for Monday for the entire family. They want to help R. They see he has a drinking problem. They acknowledged his depression and the large amount of stress R is under with bills, low hours at work, not knowing what he wants to do in life, messing up his scholarship, etc. They said they would ensure they don't let him drink and keep him as safe as possible until counseling.
Monday came and R refused to go unless he could drive his car to the appointment. We refused...as did he. The three of us went to the appointment as our pain and distress caused by R's behavior is overwhelming. The doctor concurred R needs to see him and will require some inpatient time. Problem is, it won't work until Ricky realizes he NEEDS to go. R doesn't see he has a problem.
This morning, I had thought to myself that R hadn't drank all week. As I was leaving for work, one of those same friends I was working with, pulled up to drop R off. He got out of the car with a beer, juice box and 5-hour energy drink in his hand. He said he had started drinking vodka at work at 11:00pm (mind you the friend is the manager of R on his shift). My mood was set for the day...back to feeling lost in getting him help. Lost in him seeing what he is doing is wrong. Just lost.
It is a horrible way to live right now. I'm losing focus because when these things happen, it just makes me feel so bad inside. I stumbled on this forum at work and wanted to cry. At last there are people who can 'relate', not by choice but by the circumstances of our lives. At last there are people who have 'been there' and not just well-intentioned friends and family who give out advise like it will just change things. Like it is so easy to 'fix' all this.
So, I guess the first thing I need is advise on how to become less emotional without him thinking I love him any less. And maybe suggestions on how I can get him into counseling.
Dear Lord. Does or will this ever get better????
Sheila
I'm thinking you are possibly the best find I never wanted to find!
I feel broken, chewed up, spit out, hopeful, hopeless, angry and sad. Please feel free to add any other adjectives that apply!
My name is Sheila and I have a 20 year old son as well as a 21 year old son. The 20 year old, Ricky, is the cause of my anguish.
R is a very intelligent boy. He had a scholarship to college and studied aerospace engineering for a year. He also learned to fly that year. The second semester was when the telltale signs started. He dropped two classes he was failing. However, we were 'blind' to what was going on.
He came home not knowing what he wanted to study in school. We suggested community college to work on his pre-requisites but he refused. Instead, in an odd turn, he chose to attend culinary school, which didn't start until October.
In the meantime, we went on a two week vacation to Mexico. While there, we discovered both the boys had their licenses suspended for underage drinking. When we returned, we took away R's car...C had already self-imposed. That night, R got very drunk. He ended up wandering the neighborhood, pounded on a neighbor's door, broke their car door handle and was returned to us by the police at 0430. We convinced the neighbor not to press charges and paid for the car repair. Shortly after his return to us by the police, I found him tying a tie around his ceiling fan. I will never forget that moment. Did we do anything? No. Our first major fail.
He went to school the next day, despite our despair over the previous nights events. That seemed to go well at first as he worked out a ride between his dorm and the main campus. Several months later, I received a letter that he had missed quite a few classes and was on probation. Shortly after, he quit that school, claiming it wasn't for him. Instead of coming home, he moved in with a 25 year old girl.
That eventually didn't work out for him as he didn't make enough money to pay for rent, food, etc. She also bought alcohol for him and it was causing problems...so much so she called us one Sunday saying R was very drunk. At one point he had passed out in the shower and was acting beligerent. She also revealed to us he had been cutting himself. We took him to the ER for psychiatric evaluation. He admitted to some depression as well as being bisexual. After several hours, they chose to release him. A few weeks later, he returned home.
Since then, he has kept a job at BK, barely enough hours to pay his bills, which he is now 3 months behind. He makes enough to pay us his car payment, insurance and rent.
Discussing his future causes arguements. Last week, yet another binge occured. He got drunk with his friends in STL. On the way back, he jumped out of the car at a stop light and took off running: no shoes, no phone, no car, no money. The boys searched for him, couldn't find him, and finally called us at 0600. C spent four hours looking for him but couldn't find him. I left work to return home crying, frought with worry. As I was making contact to file a missing persons report, I received word a good sam found him under an overpass and was bringing him home. When he arrived, he was filthy, but safe. He figured once he cleaned up, he was going to take off to go swimming with his friends. Not so. We "repo'd" the car. His thoughts were he's home, he's safe, it's over so let's just move on. He doesn't fully get what he put us through that day. The next day, he demanded his car or he would move out. As hard as it was for me, though not hubby, the answer remained, and has remained no. He said he was going to drain his account and go live somewhere. He hasn't done so yet.
I spoke at length with his friends as I had no where else to reach out to. Mind you, I did have a counseling appointment schedulded for Monday for the entire family. They want to help R. They see he has a drinking problem. They acknowledged his depression and the large amount of stress R is under with bills, low hours at work, not knowing what he wants to do in life, messing up his scholarship, etc. They said they would ensure they don't let him drink and keep him as safe as possible until counseling.
Monday came and R refused to go unless he could drive his car to the appointment. We refused...as did he. The three of us went to the appointment as our pain and distress caused by R's behavior is overwhelming. The doctor concurred R needs to see him and will require some inpatient time. Problem is, it won't work until Ricky realizes he NEEDS to go. R doesn't see he has a problem.
This morning, I had thought to myself that R hadn't drank all week. As I was leaving for work, one of those same friends I was working with, pulled up to drop R off. He got out of the car with a beer, juice box and 5-hour energy drink in his hand. He said he had started drinking vodka at work at 11:00pm (mind you the friend is the manager of R on his shift). My mood was set for the day...back to feeling lost in getting him help. Lost in him seeing what he is doing is wrong. Just lost.
It is a horrible way to live right now. I'm losing focus because when these things happen, it just makes me feel so bad inside. I stumbled on this forum at work and wanted to cry. At last there are people who can 'relate', not by choice but by the circumstances of our lives. At last there are people who have 'been there' and not just well-intentioned friends and family who give out advise like it will just change things. Like it is so easy to 'fix' all this.
So, I guess the first thing I need is advise on how to become less emotional without him thinking I love him any less. And maybe suggestions on how I can get him into counseling.
Dear Lord. Does or will this ever get better????
Sheila
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