Same ole stuff - different year

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tiredof33, Aug 21, 2018.

  1. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I joined this forum when I was ready to commit myself to a psychiatric ward! My son was 33yo at the time. I learned to detach (thanks to this forum) and MY emotional state did improve.

    Horrible, tragic things have happened in my son's life. Many he created. He is now 40yo, and still does not have a stable life. His long term girlfriend committed suicide and he was drinking heavily, I'm sure drugs too. I waited for the call that he either OD'd or committed suicide.

    He is now involved with a woman with three children. Of course, she needs financial help! He was always asking for money before he met her, now it's constant. She was close to living on the streets and I helped them get into what I hoped was a temporary situation. It never is! They have lived in the hotel for over one year.

    I went to visit my daughter in Florida this past weekend and invited my son, the new girlfriend, and the kids to visit me for the day. I told him I would give him gas money, I knew they could not afford the drive to the beach without it. I was staying on the beach and I knew the children would love it. They did. I took them out to eat, all of the restaurants are pricey, the youngest wants to order lobster and dessert, lol. I don't think so! My son used to order steak when I took him out to eat, this time as he brought four extra people, he ordered a steak sandwich. The children think I'm rich, I'm not. I worked hard and have a pension. My husband and I spend money carefully. My husbands relatives are always asking for money too. I feel like that's the only thing we are wanted for!

    The mother was so stressed, evidently she is not working and can't find a job. She was working at a fast food place, I have no idea why she isn't now. My son is losing his job due to the man retiring so he is looking for work.

    The woman does not use drugs or alcohol, the kids are good kids. The oldest is graduating from high school this year. Good grades, but he wants to go to culinary school. That will get him a good job at something like Denny's as a cook. I mean no disrespect for service workers, but why doesn't he aim higher he has good grades? The kids watch the cooking channel and all think they can be rich. Same as sports!

    Of course, I gave my son money. It's hard to watch children starve. I do not give him much and he was sober and didn't act like he had a drug/hang over. The kids like him and he treats them well.

    My son looks homeless. His teeth are so bad and he has let his hair grow long. He pulls it back, but it still looks unkept. With his grunge clothes he looked like he could use a good bath.

    I have to detach today. Sadly, we can't save the world. I also can't support them, nor do I want too. Some children have a hard lesson to learn, they learn it and are able to support themselves. My son tells me he spent too much time smelling the roses, lol. I accept him as he is even when all of the hotel visitors move away from us...…………………….. It was good to see him, I would rather he came alone, I do not plan to get attached to the new girlfriend or the kids! It's too expensive and I can not afford it!
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  2. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Tired, I am so sorry for all the drama your son is putting you through. It’s always drama, isn’t it? I’m glad you’ve learned how to detach when you need to.

    I hear you on the financial side, too. My partner and I are far from wealthy, but we have family on both sides who think we’re made of money just because we’re living a stable existence in a comfortable home. With no understanding that being careful with our money, working hard, putting aside funds for emergencies, and doing our own maintenance and repairs is what allows us to live our comfortable life. People who don’t plan for the future for themselves think every spare dollar you have is available for their latest emergency. It’s hard to say no, especially when kids are involved. But if we don’t protect our own resources we’ll get pulled down to the same place they are in. I also end up helping probably more than I should - but I’m careful not to give more than I can afford. I’m also careful not to talk about our finances with anybody - they don’t need to know how much we have in the bank, how much my business is bringing in, or where we plan to spend our money. If they know I have some, they’ll come up with an emergency in just that amount!

    It’s hard to see our kids living below their abilities. My son is often unshowered, stinking of booze, unshaven, wearing dirty clothes. I’ve learned to accept him however he is when I see him.

    Bless you for giving those kids a lovely day. They’ll remember that, even if there is little else you can do for them.
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  3. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Thank you! I hesitate to post for fear of causing panic in the ones just starting out on this rocky road. My son is better in some ways than he was when I joined this forum. He doesn't use drugs as much, right now he is not drinking as much cause he just doesn't have the money.

    It's hard to see, I do love him, this is the best I have seem my son in a long time.

    When I used to visit him yearly I would take him shopping and buy him clothes. He needed them this time, but I can't afford to buy for five. The oldest two don't ask for anything, the youngest thinks it's all free so he never stops asking lol. I send them a birthday card with a little money, I think the motel workers kept one, the child didn't get it, I tried anyway.

    You can look at the kids and see they have nothing. I was puzzled as why the oldest didn't have a summer job since he is graduating this year. He is in the band, but still...

    It's obvious the kids like my son and I know he loves them. That has given my son a purpose. Hopefully the two adults will find stable jobs. It is the first relationship where my son's partner was not a drug/alcohol user. That in itself is encouraging.

    Prayers for us all.
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  4. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    What a brave wonderful and courageous mother you are. Detaching with love doing what we can and keeping our boundaries is impossibly hard. You’re a fine example of how this works a good reminder for all of us.