Same Stuff Different Day

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by HanginginThere, Mar 23, 2017.

  1. HanginginThere

    HanginginThere Living life one day at a time

    Hello to all. I felt like I just had to send out a thank you to all the members for their encouraging threads that I have read over the last year. I am a single mother to a 24 year old Difficult Child who has been creating chaos since he was barely a teenager. Everything from smoking marijuana, stealing my money/credit cards/prescription medication/property, shoplifting, burglarizing homes/cars etc. I have tried who knows how many times to help him with a place to stay, transportation, employment with the end result being a complete failure. At 15, he got a girl pregnant and I found out only by sheer luck after that baby was born. He did graduate from high school and enlisted in the Army where after a little more than a year was kicked out for doing spice and not showing up to work. After that, it has been almost five years of working in fast food restaurants for a few months before either quitting or getting fired. In between that were stints in jail for drug possession.

    He has been living with me the entire time until last fall when it all came to a head. I decided to try Plan Z and get him enrolled in college. He seemed excited and I had to jump through many many hoops to get him eligible for financial aid and I fronted the money for his tuition and cosigned on a car. He went for about two weeks and told me that he couldn't take the stress of school and breaking up with his girlfriend so he was quitting and was going to work at a painting company. I was extremely upset but told him as long as he paid me back the tuition money that everything would be fine. Well it came time when the financial aid money should have been in his account. He put me off for about three weeks and finally told me that he had taken the $5000 and went on a crack binge. Around that same time, I found that my laptop, all my yard equipment, and his children's Christmas presents that I had bought, had been stolen by him and pawned. After that, I told him to leave and since then I have had problems with him kicking in my doors to get in the house and steal things, take showers, eat my food and do his laundry.

    I finally have had enough and filed charges on him. Of course, because I have been kind and let him come over on Saturdays to my home for supervised visitation with his children then the police said they couldn't make it Burglary charges, only Theft. I just went and got my lawnmower from the pawn shop the other day and they have banned him for life. He is currently homeless and can't understand how a mother could file charges on their homeless child. Well it's been a long time coming and eventually you have to face up to the choices you have made in life.

    I'm here because I just really need your words of encouragement to keep on keeping on with my life. It has gotten worse because he's so angry with me that he has spoken with my ex daughter in law and has made it that I cannot see my grandsons (8 and 5) anymore. They have been at my house every weekend for the past four years and we would go on great adventures. It's hard keeping it together because they were everything to me and I feel like I'm mourning their death. I have extreme guilt that they will think that I just up and abandoned them. This combined with the resentment that I have towards my son because I'm stuck paying on a car that he has destroyed and the credit card bill for his college tuition has me struggling to continue my day to day life. Please tell me that it will get better.
  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi HT,

    I'm glad you decided to post about your story.
    I would not hesitate to file charges against my son if I needed to, homeless or not. When my son was still a teenager living at home we had to put a lock on our bedroom door. The lock didn't stop him, he took a hammer and beat a hole a foot wide through the door. Once inside our bedroom, he stole our safe that had $3000 in it. I did not hesitate to call the police.
    Just because they are our kids does not give them a pass when the commit a crime against us.
    Here's the thing, if when they steal from us and we do nothing, it sends them the message that they can continue to steal from us without consequences.
    As for your son being homeless, just like my son, it's a choice, it's their choice.

    As for your grandchildren, I'm so sorry he has interfered with you seeing them. Have you talked to your ex daughter in law about it? What is her reason?

    I'm sorry you got stuck with the tuition. I too had to pay for my sons. I also bought my son a car that he was supposed to pay us back for. $100 a month. I knew going into it that I probably would never get the money. He ended up giving the car to his landlord for back rent.

    I'm glad you are here with us. Does it get easier, yes. You will see from my signature that I have been dealing with my son for many years.
    I learned to detach and move on with my life. I am happy and have a good life despite the chaos my son stirs up.

    Keep posting and let us know how things are going.

    ((HUGS)) to you...............
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  3. HanginginThere

    HanginginThere Living life one day at a time

    Thank you Tanya for replying to my post. My ex-daughter in law will not take my calls, won't respond to my texts and slammed the door in my face. My son just recently got arrested for multiple thefts at Target. She didn't tell me but she bailed him out and because she usually portrays that she can't stand him I can only think of one logical reason. I believe he is supplying her with drugs. This has happened in the past so this wouldn't surprise me in this situation. So I surmise that he has just told her to keep the kids away from me to punish me for prosecuting him for the theft of property from my home. The weird thing is that she had told me that I could have them last weekend for the oldest one's birthday after a month of no contact. Then when I asked her the night before when she was going to drop them off, she said she wasn't. So, I just took his birthday present that I had promised him and left it on her porch. That was the last time she responded. She wouldn't even tell me if he received my present. It might have ended up in the trash for all I know.

    I was fine detaching from my son for an extended period of time but my grandkids are altogether different. They really don't have good role models between their two parents and I was trying to fill in the gaps. He's a complete mess and she's not far behind him. My 8 year old grandson recently was almost expelled from school because of stealing. When I spoke with him about it, he asked me, "Why is it okay for mommy to steal stuff out of your house and daddy steals from you and the stores?" That is why I tried so hard to stay in their lives. I know I will eventually have to let go but man it's hard right now. Again, thanks for your response.
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome and sorry you have to be here. I am dealing with a 21 year old son that is not following the path that we thought he would either as you can see by my signature.

    You need to take care of yourself. You can see this is no quick or easy fix. He has to hit bottom before he will decide to change his life. You/We cannot do that for our adult children.

    We are still on the journey and learning as we go trust me. The best thing you can do is see a therapist or get involved in a support group that can help you learn to say NO and learn to form healthy boundaries. He needs those as much as you do or he will never move forward.

    None of this is easy. Having boundaries does not mean you do not love your son. You would not have searched the internet for this forum if you didn't care and you weren't looking for answers. All of us here are looking for answers. The answer may be that there is not any answer. We just try to support each other and learn from what may have or may have not worked for others.

    Keep posting and reading here. This will give you so much insight and strength. It sure has for me.

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  5. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    It sounds like your son gave up two really good opportunities that would have greatly improved his life: Army and college. The addicted brain thinks it can't stop using drugs, and drugs are ruling his life. If you decide to press charges, he would probably skip town before the police could find him. Based on his crimes, I don't know that he would get much jail time. I think when it comes to women, jail is safer than being homeless, but I'm not sure the same is true for men. On the other hand, the jail might assign a social worker to his case or offer him counseling and rehab. He could detox in jail, unless it gets really bad, and they have to hospitalize him.
  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    This is not only sad but dangerous for grandkids. If it were me, I would seriously consider calling family services to have her investigated.
    You can call anonymously.
    It does not sound like they are fit to parent.
    If family services were to intervene and remove the kids from their care, would you be willing to take them in?

    Sometimes as hard as it is, we just have to let go even our grandchildren. I hope it doesn't come to that.