Sat. will be 2 wks since I've seen her :(

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by bran155, Dec 12, 2008.

  1. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    I woke up today with a nervous feeling in my stomach and a bit shaky. Saturday will be 2 weeks since we have seen my daughter!!! She has never been gone this long before. I have had a few good days, trying not to worry or even think about her at all. I have been really working on letting go and then today I woke up with that uneasy feeling again. I guess I will have good days and bad days. Today is a bad one. It rained a lot here yesterday and all last night, I couldn't help but worry if she was safe and warm, indoors somewhere. How on earth is she eating and changing her clothes? She left my house with absolutely nothing but the clothes on her back!!

    Yesterday was court. I couldn't go as my son woke up sick. My husband was in training in the city and my mom had an appointment., I had no one to watch him. So my sw went for me. They put a bench warrant out for her. So now we are just waiting to hear from her. She is in even bigger trouble now than she was. I truly don't think she realizes the consequences of missing a court date. She is still under the impression that when she is 18 she can just sign herself right out of the system. Yeah - the family court system, NOT the criminal court system. Just more evidence that she is not very mature. Her logic is a bit twisted. It is very sad.

    While I don't think jail is the right place for her to be getting better, at least if she is in jail I will know where she is. I think she will be safer in jail than on the streets. At this point there are no other options. She ruined her chance, the DA was willing to try to help her, she burned that bridge!!! It is just so sad to think about all of the services this kid had at her finger tips and she didn't utilize any of them!!! Her life didn't have to be this bad. She has every resource my county offers to the mentally ill, she chose to throw her life in the toilet rather than use those services to her advantage. It breaks my heart.

    Well it truly is time for me to detach, detach, detach!!! There just isn't anything left that I can do. My sw has advised me to save my energy. She doesn't want me to look for my daughter or call her friends to try to track her down. She says that my daughter knows how to get in touch with me and if she wants to she will. It's just very hard to sit back and do nothing!!! I pray to God that nothing horrible happens to her while she is out there. I just have this awful feeling I won't be seeing her for a very long time. Christmas will be hard. Then her birthday follows. February 16, she will be a legal adult. That is scary!!! She has the mind of a 14 year old with all the rights of an adult. The legal adult age should be 21 not 18, especially for children with mental illness. Even when she is 21 she will only be about 17 in her mind. She is very inmature!!! She has no business being out on the streets. She is just so vulnerable. I am very scared for her.

    I guess today is just not going to be one of my good days!

    Thanks for letting me vent.
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    My heart aches for you. We all wonder why these kids throw away all of their resources and our efforts. Maybe some day she will be able to tell you.
    For now, I hope that she is safe and warm and that your heart and mind may rest easy.
    Detaching is easier said than done.
    How is your 7-yr-old dealing with-this?
  3. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    You know Bran, the only thing I can say is something from my own personal experience, that may or may not be hopeful/helpful.

    I moved out at age 18 into my own apt with a guy that sounds very much like your daughter. Not that I had in any way my stuff together. We both used drugs, and hung out with the wrong crowd, and never had enough money to pay rent. However for whatever reason I always kept it together enough to go to work everyday and make sure the 2 of us had a roof over our head, a car, and food to eat. Had it not been for me, at that time, this guy would have had nothing and been on the streets or onto find some other person he could get to enable him.

    In fact this guy is still this way at age 43, living off of people, been in and out of jail, always in some mess. However - he has always made sure he has been taken care of somehow, by somebody. That is the one & only thing he was/is really good at.

    I have a gut feeling that your difficult child has hooked up with someone who has taken her under their wing for now, and that she is safe (ish), warm, dry, and fed. These types of kids have a way of getting exactly what they need, no matter what. Perhaps she hooked up with an enabler that "wants to take care of her for now." Not ideal, but entirely possibly. Probably more likely than homeless.

    I don't know if that helps or not - but trust she is someplace safe for now.
    Many hugs, and I am so sorry.
    (And don't just don't let your couch become difficult children next spot she tries to manipulate.:peaceful:) Hang tough - you are doing great!
  4. JLady

    JLady A ship lost in the night

    Sending hugs and prayers your way. No words of advice. Prayers is all I have to offer right now. Not a good day here either. (Me not the difficult child) I hope it gets better and she at least calls to let you know she is ok. Just trust that God is keeping her safe and He will.
  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have to agree with Steely,that these kids seem to find a way .. and find people to get them what they "need." I think you have to go with the "no news is good news" idea here.

    Hang in there. Hugs.
  6. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I am sorry. I don't think anything makes this easier.
    I have no idea what I would do with K in this situation, but I do admire how strong you have been.
    You may not feel strong...
    It is all such a sad situation, for her and you.
    Steely is right and so many of us, me included have hung on by a thread and made it.
    Hope is the thing I hang onto... for all of us and our kids. Hugs to your Mommy heart.
  7. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Thank you guys, so much!!

    Steely, thank you for sharing your personal experience. I hope you are right!! Knowing my daughter, she is too vain to sleep dirty in the streets, however she was never facing jail time before so I am not too sure what she is willing to do to avoid that. She is very manipulative and resourceful, so I could totally imagine her using someone for a place to stay and food to eat. I am just concerned with what she is doing in return.

    CrazyinVa, I am operating under the "no news is good news" motto right now. I mean she is in the system as a missing person, so if God forbid the worst happened, someone would call me. She has identifying marks, tattoos and piercings. My heart sinks every time the phone or doorbell rings. The other day a police car was parked outside my house and I nearly fell to the ground when I saw it!! All I could think of was them ringing my doorbell to deliver the news!!!! Thank God, they weren't here for me.

    Terry, thanks for asking, my son is doing okay. He has enxiety every morning as I am dropping him off at school. He cries a bit when I leave. I told the teacher what has happened and she was very supportive. She is nurturing and understanding of my sons anxiety. Other than that, he is fine at home. He and my nephew love the fact that my daughter isn't here!!! The house is peaceful. My energy level is way up compared to when she is here. I am a much better mom to him when my daughter isn't around.

    Jlady, thank you for the prayer's. I have no choice at this point but to leave it in God's hands.

    Thanks again,

    Shawna :)
  8. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Totoro, thank you for the support. I am hanging on by a thread. I am trying very hard to keep hopeful. I guess you are right about me being stronger than I think. I mean I am still breathing - right?? :)
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I think you have JUST found something that MAY HELP the mentally ill and YOU could start the law rolling.

    WHY NOT? Why not change the law to make a child who is mentally ill NOT LEGAL until they are 21? I THINK THIS IS BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!

    I bet we could even put together a written bill....It could be called (your daughters name) law. Can you imagine HOW MUCH this would HELP people with kids like ours?

    I'm sorry for your hurt - I've been there and it's not fun and I know the feelings in the pit of your stomach. They dont' go away and they race adn make you crazy. I'm sorry for you - wouldn't hurt to get yourself someone to talk to as well and maybe something to help you sleep?

    If you were to do this? I'd support you. I would LOVE to tell someone that my SED child isn't AN ADULT - because at 21 - he'll just be cruising up to a mental 16 or 17 - and it would help jails and court stuff as well if we did have some say as parents.

    I really think you've found a calling here.

  10. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Star - GREAT IDEA!!!! I got the goose bumps as soon as I read the first line in your post!!!! You are so right, someone needs to change that!!!! Why not us??? Okay, so where do I begin??

    Maybe we can set up some sort of petition here through the board and get as many signatures as we possibly can. Hey, if I do this maybe I won't feel so helpless!!! Will you help me???

    Anyone who has any ideas or knowledge about this kind of thing, PLEASE let me know!!! I am clueless.

    Thanks for the idea and the support. :)
  11. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Hey you are not clueless!!!
    I would so sign, help do whatever I could... I would push for it here in AZ.
    I am starting to go to a new group of parents with Mentally Ill kids in January, just to see what options there are here in AZ since I am new to this state.
    I would fully push it there!!!
  12. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    We could start a social group around this to keep track of it? If you are really into it and it would help take you mind off of other things....
  13. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    The best place to start to try to change the law is with your legislature. Contract anyone and everyone at every level, especially those who advocate for the mentally ill.

    Now, as to your daughter, I'll try to add a little more to help you through this mess. My daughter left home at 18, came back when her friends had had enough and kicked her out. She left at 18-1/2, same story. At 19, she almost killed me. She left when she found a party pad. They kicked her out. She hinted to come home. I said no. I didn't hear from her for 3 weeks. I ran into one of her former roommates who told me she had joined the carnival! I actually drove over 50 miles to where the carnival was operating to find her. Well, yes, she had worked for them for about a week but then left with some guy. Ultimately, she was homeless for 2 days and then living in a roach-infested house in one of the biggest gang towns in our state. Absolutely nothing bad happened to her anywhere along the line. She was miserable and had been hungry but no beatings, no rapes, one threat which was why she left the carnie, no prostituting herself, no major drugs. She did come home and actually stayed with me on most of my terms after that experience. I worried myself sick. I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I called everyone I could think of to try to help me find her. Our kids are survivors. We may not like how they survive and they certainly are not living the way we would ever consider living but they get by. Sometimes they're even happy where they are (at least until those around have had enough).

    She's probably still in party mode with friends. She's also probably pretty scared about jail time. Just try to put the word out that you're concerned about her and would at least like to know she is okay, nothing more. That's how I ultimately found my daughter. Her friends were not willing to let me know where she was, but they were willing to let me know that they'd seen her and she was okay. If she has a cell phone on her, call and leave a message. Even if it isn't charged, she can still pick up messages. That's when my child called me and asked to come home -- when she knew I still loved her via a message I finally left on her phone.

    In the meantime, many, many HUGS.
  14. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    Bran155: I am feeling your anguish. Ann Sheifield (How to survive when they're depressed) Harmony Books..points out that there are few studies of the families of depressives, the children in a depressives family, and as you are well aware the children who are suffering depressive illnesses.

    That #! the study is new and limited in scope
    #2 the needs of all such are unmet.

    Many good outcomes for indiviguals of mental disorders are possible the hazards for the teen need no futher discription. We all know what that is and how that works out.

    Also the new information about brain developement is a ray of hope to families who are so concerned that these disorders coupled with environmental stressors have probalities with dire consequensed. What are the outcomes with environmental supports?

    The human potential movement in the 60's was centered on the inappropriate
    confinment and heavy drugging of folks who could be treated in more compassionate and safe community with options.

    How can we invision a means by which the needs for our teens to engage into independance does not cut them from essetial care and safty? Where are the means and motivations for the mental illness care sector to participate with the service to the youth in families where money is an object?

    Bi polar...adhd..ect.are just tough to live with. For the person themselves and for those who may not have the resiliancy or the devotion to surender their own sanity to serve someone who lacks connectivity to the comfort of others.
    And I am so in agreement that having a meathod for the transition of adolescence to maturity is utterly neglected. I am disgusted by the system of stuffing prisons and the tolerance of sexual assault and exploitation in those prisons and the lost oppertunity everyday to learn how to insulate the vunerable from the environmental threat of harm, and to identify and implement the means to stabilize the functionality for mental disordered indiviguals even when that means a limited interactivity.

    There is nothing like neccisty to mother invention. So yeah, lets think and brainstorm and get an effort out to embrace these needs. What does society have to loose? Lets get something going that will help us all sleep better at night because we did the right thing.
  15. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i'm late to this and i am sorry. i just wanted to say how strong you are, and how hard this must be for you. I am sending you alot of hugs.

    I am hoping and praying that this is the rock bottom she needed to hit to hopefully rise up somehow.

    I know all you can do right now is take deep breaths and try to have some faith that this will turn out however it's supposed to.

    ((((hugs)))) if you need to talk or just vent pm me.
  16. Rotsne

    Rotsne Banned

    Regarding raising the agelimit to 21. They can do it in Idaho where huge firms run a number of private warehouses for kids. I think that they are leading in the +18 treatment of kids. If you want to find out how they did push the laws through, you have to research a cult called Synanon. One of their top member - a certain Wasserman - left the cult before they began to cut their private parts off and created a high school chain called CEDU after Charles E. Dederich University. Because one of their intake school was located in California a lot of your favorite TV-stars parked their children there. Even a popular TV-host who retired last year with shows about problems in families had a daughter in Idaho. I think that he rescued a woman in a traffic accident while driving up there, which is quiet impressive because he is ill.

    Many became 18 during their stay, but the parents then went to court and got an extention to the juvenile status of their child. The original owners are gone, but those private jails are now owned by one of the largest hospital chains in country, so I guess an extention of parenthood is still possible in Idaho.

    Bran, if the situation was different and it was you who had kicked her out, the technical expression for such an act would have been an Exit-plan. This strategy invented by one of the largest therapeutic boarding school systems in the states is a kind of tough love. When the kid turns 18, there are two choices. Completing the program or being sent down to the nearest shelter, but not in the hometown but in the town where the boarding school is, which often is out of state. I think that is cruel and I understand why parents have to go through a lot of seminars to prepare themselves on such an act.

    As stated in a previous post, our children are survivors. But after 3-4 weeks on their own they cannot live of their friends anymore and have to take a job or cave in. Then the strategy is claimed to be working.

    I have been thinking about if it would help having the agelimit raised to 21. I don't think so. Instead I would fight to have any responsibility put on parents due to act made by 18-21 years removed. Because we cannot control them we should not have any financial burden due to their actions on us either.

    Bran. I guess that she will surface in some 3-4 weeks. If the rumor number 2 is correct she is living at a friend and she will be in the same situation as the kids on a Exit-plan. Normally the solution would be to take some kind of a job, a bagger in a supermarket or in a fast-food-chain, but she cannot take a job because then the police will locate her. She has no option but to report herself to the police or to you. But have you thought about what the second step is. The first is very clear. She will end up in jail, but then...

    She cannot be in jail forever and how many months can the creditcard theft and assult amount themselves to?

    Do you want her back or should she attend a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) where they will let her go rather quickly because she is an adult?

    I would try to reach her and try to get the charges dropped in exchange for her to live where she is now but a possibility to get a job.

    I hope that your daughter remains OK. Give her the time to decide what to do and use your time on your son.
  17. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm so sorry- I really feel for you. I would be a wreck to. Them getting older doesn't mean we love them less. Maybe the bench warrant will help speed things along if they actually are willing to look for her now. Can they put her in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? If it's court ordered, can't they make her stay in even after she turns 18? I just hope they find something between being free on the streets like she is now and locked up in jail, that they can and will make her do.

    Oops- I just realized that I responded without reading a single repsonse that was already posted- I probably said some things that had already been said....
  18. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Shawna...hugs. I don't know what else to say. Saying prayers for you and your family.
  19. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Not to hi jack this thread, but what on earth are you talking about Rotsne??? Seriously confused. My son is in a over 18 group home in ID, and your post just baffled me. Could you possibly be more clear about what you mean about "private jail", "private warehouses", and extension of parenthood being possible in ID? And they are all now owned by a big health company?

    I have researched everything I can about Idaho, and there is nothing that even resembles what you are referring to. The only law that extends "parenthood", is a legal decision that a parent can make that "extends guardianship" and that applies to all 50 states.

    In addition your post is pretty judgmental - remember there are many, many, on our board - and that they might have their kids in one of these "so called places".
    So now I just researched what you are talking about and the place my son is in is one of these "private warehouses". I hope to God you are wrong, and truly do not know what you are talking about. Please do not post stuff like this unless you are completely sure of what you are talking about.
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2008