Saw difficult child in inpatient today...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by wantpeace, Mar 14, 2012.

  1. wantpeace

    wantpeace New Member

    I saw my difficult child for the first time today since he was admitted to inpatient over a week ago. He looked so different in just one week - full face with a rosy complextion and bright eyes. His counselor said he's doing great. He was hesitant to give me a hug but did so anyway. We went through his drug history and he was very honest. I know way more than I want to ever hear about drugs! The toughest part was hearing that he admitted to the psychologist that his dad was abusive to him - psychologically, physically and verbally. My ex used my difficult child and me as his scapegoat when his alcoholism progressed, and it was the reason I divorced him. This was the first time my difficult child described his dad's actions as abusive. I'm still so confused when I think about how the once gentle, loving man I married turned into an abusive addict, so I can't even imagine how my difficult child can handle it. I know I've done a lot of enabling due to my guilt about what my kids went through.

    After our meeting I was told to stick around until my difficult child had dinner and that we could visit for awhile when he finished eating. When he came out of the cafeteria he told me to leave and that it was my fault he had to be at the stupid place. He refused to take the phone card I bought him - said he didn't want to talk to me anyway - and walked away.

    The realization that there is no quick fix to the nightmare we've been living is really sinking in.

  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so sorry. How can his counselor think he is doing so well? Are you going to call and talk to the counselor about this? I don't know what else to say except I wish I could give you a hug.

  3. wantpeace

    wantpeace New Member

    I will call his counselor tomorrow. I know he was upset when I told him I wouldn't allow him to drive himself to IOP meetings when he gets out of inpatient. I can't believe he thought I would even consider that! I'm still not sure if he's taking recovery seriously or just "playing the game".
  4. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest


    I'm sorry this happened. I had to be a very difficult day even before that last encounter.

    Maybe he just thought he would be 'fixed' by going through the program and everything would be perfect. Although I'm sure inpatient is tough, it isn't real world.

    Right before mine went to rehab, he posted on Facebook that he would be gone for a month but would have his car back when he returned. I have no clue where he concluded that - I sure as heck didn't tell him that.

    When are you scheduled to return?
  5. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    wantpeace, that is exactly how our visit went when we visited our difficult child in rehab. She was still angry with us because we told her that she would have to go to a halfway house after rehab. She cried and stormed out of the room at one point. The counselor went and talked with her and she did come back but it wasn't a pleasant visit to say the least.

    We didn't go back for any more visits during her stay in rehab. I don't think it is necessarily a bad sign that he wasn't happy to see you. It is very early in his recovery and he has a lot of feelings that he needs to learn to process in a healthy, sober way.

    I know it hurts but be glad he is in treatment and let him make the next move. If he wants you to come back to visit, he needs to agree in advance to be pleasant and make it a constructive visit.

    Rehab and recovery isn't easy for the addict or the people that love them.

  6. wantpeace

    wantpeace New Member

    We are scheduled for family days on the 22nd and 23rd from 8:30 until 4:30. Then he comes home with us on the 23rd - too soon if you ask me. He has two weeks of IOP after that and then aftercare. I will visit this weekend, but only if he wants me to. It's his time to focus on his recovery.
  7. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Sounds like your head is on wantpeace. I would wait for him to ask you to come. I would leave if he treated me poorly. Yep he is angry and lashing out but you don't have to sit and take it. I think setting those boudaries now is a good thing. I agree that he shouldn't drive until he earns trust. It is not a right. He chucked a fit because he didn't get his way. Stay strong. Its hard when they work us over. It just hurts! It's a daily deal here so I feel your pain. ((Hang in there))
  8. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    How long has your son been in rehab, wantpeace? My son was in rehab for 30 days, but we should not have let him come home so soon, because he was not ready to live a drug free life at that time. I know that this is very hard for you, and I hope that you are taking time for yourself now. I hope that you can relax a little now that your difficult child is in a safe place, because you will need your strength when he comes home again. Sending caring thoughts to you....
  9. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Don't go back. He'll be ok, let him work on his issues. Everything will be easier when he hasn't seen anything in a month, trust me. I just went to a rehab of my own and didn't see my kids for 5 1/2 weeks, they were fine. I didn't want them to see me there, that wasn't how I wanted them to see me. you'll see him soon. Let him borrow someone else's phone card, they would even let them borrow their phone for a call, trust me. Don't take all that to heart, he's mad, he's in a type of prison and he was taking his stuff out on you, just let it roll off your back. I know how it hurts anyway.
  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Yeah don't visit him unless he wants you too.... and leave if he gets abusive to you. I think this whole recovery thing is hard and they are having their various feelings, and don't have the drugs to numb them out.

    Can you talk to the place about how the 23rd is too soon for him to come home and see if there are any other options?

  11. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    A counselor once told me that they go off on us much more than anyone one else because they know anyone else would walk away and we will not!!

    My difficult child was court ordered rehab for 9 months and I think it takes that long for them so really start thinking about a change in their lives.

    My problem was he always went back to the same group of friends!

    (((blessings to us all)))
  12. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Agreed about the need to change thir playground and playmates.

    While some may disagree, my close friend's son is a local police officer. I intend to let him know what I know about a few enablers in difficult child's life. I'm certain the names won't be new to him but, just in case...
  13. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Truer words have never been spoken. In fact - when I told H that it seems difficult child is going to FL with his girlfriend for Spring Break - I said "I wonder if he is going to yell : Why did we have (always) go to Florida for Spring Break? Why couldn't we going skiing in Colorado? at HER the way he did at us. " (as part of his initial parting tirade about our dysfunctional family)

  14. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    WantPeace - I am so sorry your mommy heart is hurting. Please concentrate on the good moments and let his hurtful attitude roll of your back. {{{hugs}}}
  15. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Agirl, Yes he probably does know BUT I would do it too!!! But be prepared, they are sneeky and cover for each other to an extreme! It is very hard to get them to leave that group of friends!

    When my difficult child was about 16 a local adult gave him so much alcohol I was ready to call 911 when he came home, but he left and I couldn't find him. He was so out of it he climbedd on the roof and was going to jump down. Amazingly, the local police did nothing to the adult. I even went to the station and talked to the officers in person and nothing was done! They said they would keep an eye on the adult.

    Mine is 33 now and they are more prepared to arrest adults for giving minors alcohol!! In Savannah over the NY's there were 3 families having parties serving alcohol where minors were drinking. NOW it doesn't have to be the adults giving them alcohol, if they are drinking on your property, the adult is at fault.

    Still I think it is just a misdemeanor and they break up the party.
  16. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh my . . . I wonder if he will ever realize how incredibly entitled and self-centered that statement was. Children are dying of starvation around the world and his biggest problem was going to Florida instead of skiing? Sadly, my difficult child has said things like that, too.

    I compare my difficult child who was given everything with my niece who is the same age and grew up in near poverty. My niece is in the National Guard, has served three tours of duty in Iraq/Afghanistan, owns her own home, and is the youngest sargent in her unit. I've come to believe we can cripple our children with affluence.

    Of course, my easy child turned out great even though she, too, has some entitlement issues.

    wantpeace, I know that your difficult child is only 17 but is there an option of a sober living facility or Residential Treatment Center (RTC) he can go to on discharge. I doubt he will really be ready for sobriety after only 30 days. Our difficult child was older but we insisted that she go to a halfway house where she would be required to continue going to meetings and being drug tested. I really think it helped her.

  17. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    When all this started, I called the local ATF office and told them where he was buying liquor underaged. I asked them why they didn't raid the university. difficult child told me the dorm was full of alcohol and drugs. Their response was "we aren't allowed there.". Huh?!? Yep, campus administration won't allow it.
  18. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sorry that visitation was less than perfect....but really proud that you were prepared for the possibility and you didn't let it get you. I know our insurance would only cover 30 days inpatient. We could only ante up for a brief private pay time.
    Fingers crossed that he is absorbing the message. Hugs DDD
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2012
  19. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    YEP!! same thing at the University of Central Florida! The college in Gainsville was rated as the number one party college for years!
    Recently the sports director at the U of Georgia was making commercials about drugs and alcohol and they were aired before the games and in the campus.
    THEN he was pulled over for DUI and the much younger college student he was with (he was married but not to her) caused a scene when they were pulled over and both were arrested.
    The director was actually crying and begging for his job saying he had made a huge mistake. YEP!!!
    He was fired within days and getting a divorce.

    Kathy, I was not affluent when my son was in his teens BUT I did have much more than when I was growing up. I made a huge mistake trying to give him a better life, but I did learn really fast to leave him in jail! Like a fool I thought he would grow up and be responsible one day! They do become entitled at an early age.
  20. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    My difficult child has had 2 years of Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and she still smokes pot. It just depends on desire and yes friends. They really teach and practice changing away from the druggy culture. Changing your look, how to blow off the old druggie friends in a good way, and how to make new friends. Despite my daughters best effort, she was unsuccessful and ended up not being able to go to school. It was traumatizing. The rumors that flew around about killed her. Even the church kids pretended not to know her. When she switched to the Alt. high school the choices were druggie, druggie, or druggie. I think it is hard to stay clean and 30 days is iffy unless he really wants it and can go back to old sober friends. My daughters old sober friends had either all started using or ignored her. Hoping for the best you and your boy-you should just be prepared for a journey.