scared of my 18y.o.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by momma-nic, Dec 14, 2016.

  1. welcome-mat-no-more

    welcome-mat-no-more New Member

    hello, ill try and make this short. I'm also new here. my 18yo daughter from my previous marriage moved out over the summer. she lived with me until she was 9. then she went to live with her biological dad till almost 15 then came back to my house till almost 18. weve had a rough relationship. I wont go into all the details, but weve dealt with cps probably about 5 times over the last 8 years. just going through the process of elimination, and from her confessing on some, she has either called them or orchestrated every single cps call. each time cps grilled us and the other children in our home. everything has been found unfounded each time, but the last time was the scariest. she accused us of smoking weed with our other children. so they were drug tested and they came back clean. the scariest part is that I found a letter to her bio dad saying that was a wasted chance of getting custody of her sisters from us. fast forward almost a year and she moved out. we really haven't talked except for once. she called me about 2 weeks ago bawling and vomiting saying all kinds of things about how abusive her b.f. is and that she thought she was pregnant. now, I know exactly how her dad is, and shes a spitting image. just the other day she text and said she wanted to come to xmas which is at my parents, and bring her boyfriend too. I told my parents I didn't care as long as her boyfriend didn't come, because I cant even deal with him right now. she came back and said she couldn't believe I would talk about him like that and if he wasn't welcome then neither is she. honestly, I'm not even wanting her there at xmas. there has been so much heart ache and pain over the last 8 years and the roots of it run extremely deep. she is not aloud in our home, that is a mutual agreement between my hubs and me. and if shes there at xmas weve decided she is not to be left alone with our children. I'm at the point that she is my flesh and blood, but she is not my kin if that makes any sense. my dad just wants an unbroken family, my mom is starting to see how things really are and my sister is on her way to where I'm at. I guess I am looking for reassurance that, yes, it is ok to walk away from a toxic relationship with your child. I still love her, but I have my other 3 daughters to think about and my marriage too. I feel like I'm a bad mother, but then I think, what kind of mother would I be if I let her hurt one of my other daughters?
     
  2. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    You could arrange for her to be in the house only when the other kids aren't home. Remind her that she said her boyfriend abuses her, so he cannot come. If she protests, ask her why should you welcome someone in your home who might harm her and has treated her badly.
     
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  3. welcome-mat-no-more

    welcome-mat-no-more New Member

    honestly, I would feel completely uncomfortable having her in my home at all. its like living with a semi tame lion. half the time, you feel like you've tamed the lion enough that it wont eat you. until the moment the lion bites off an arm or leg. and my husband(her stepdad) wont budge on her being in our home. and I support him in that decision. we homeschool, and are a very close knit family, so its rare to find any of us without the rest of us.
     
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  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It's okay to decide to keep away from her. She is obviously dangerous to you and your other children. I know parents who lost custody for a time of all of their minor children because one of their disturbed children called CPS with false sexual abuse allegations. Your daughter made a similar false allegation with the weed. She obviously is very rageful and wants to hurt all of you to the core.


    You can't put yourself and the rest of your family in that kind of danger. If you want to see her at all, and that is up to you, I would only meet her in a busy public place with lots of witnesses in case she tries to lie about you again.

    Since I have three awesome adopted kids and my DNA son is very difficult, I understand that DNA is not that important. I had to make my son leave because he was dangerous to me and my daughter. Now he lives a few states away and we often talk on the phone, not it is always a one way conversation about him and how the universe is against him...and he gets angry and sweats at me and calls names. I had to set boundaries for him and if he doesn't follow them, I get off the call. I am glad he lives far.

    I know how awful that sounds but he is not a nice person.

    His siblings want nothing to do with him and he doesn't care.

    I am often scared when I think of If I hadn't adopted then I would never have had the awesome experience of a happy, loving functional relationship with adult children and grandchildren.

    You do not need to be abused by anyone, even an adult child. Do what is safest for all of you. Your daughter needs help. Maybe one day she will get it, maybe not. She is quite willing to sacrifice all of you to her anger.

    Right now She is a threat to you.

    I'm sorry your Dad and Mom don't understand, but you are an adult now and don't need their approval. I don't know how they dont see this granddaughter as dangerous to you and the others but it is what it is. You live with it. They dont.

    You are not a bad parent. You can love a child but not like the child. Some love their child but know they cant have a relationship with the child. It's sad, but you are not the only one in the situation.

    Apparently your daughter is protective of abusive boyfriend. Funny how abusers often pair up with worse abusers. Next time she calls crying about him, tell her to go to a domestic abuse shelter. Don't bring her to your home. I volunteered at a shelter...they protect you. You don't need to save her. She is an adult and needs to save herself.

    Sadly abusive disturbed adult children tend not to listen to reasoning. Most of us tried that first.

    Hugs for your hurting heart.
     
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    Last edited: Dec 14, 2016
  5. welcome-mat-no-more

    welcome-mat-no-more New Member

    thank you so much. your kind words have helped my mind and my heart. I'm also sorry that you are dealing with a difficult child also. many hugs and blessings to you!
     
  6. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    I'm always interested in how holidays work for families with Difficult Child's. Honestly the high stress and chaos of family holidays are the WORST time to bring DCs back into the house, and their (common) idea that their bad news friends and partners have to be included is just...bad news! I mean, I never insisted that my mom include any of my friends or boyfriends.. that is just entitled.
    If she wants to share the holidays with you maybe you can meet her for coffee if dessert somewhere In Christmas Eve or some other time over the season. Exchange gifts. Have your own little celebration. Bringing her drama and danger into the house over Christmas is just self destructive. I'm sorry it is this way, but it is.
     
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  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Of course you are not a bad mother or bad person!!!!! That is crazy talk!!!

    Do not allow her to be around your children. You have an affirmative duty to protect your minor children from harm, including harm from their siblings, especially their adult siblings. We had a therapist who didn't understand why I refused to use every single resource for our oldest son, why I would use some for my other children. I told him that I refused to sacrifice my other children on the altar of my oldest child's illness.I think that applies here.

    There is NO reason to offer up your other children as potential sacrifices to your daughter's rage. If your parents cannot understand this, have Christmas with them at a time your daughter cannot make it. Make it clear that if your daughter shows up, then you will leave because your children are not safe around her. I know how hard this is. I had to do this with my brother. It broke my heart, and my mother's, but it had to happen.
     
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  8. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi Momma-nic and welcome to the forum. When you have a situation like yours, where your family is in danger from another person (your daughter has already proven this), the only place to meet them, if you want to see that person at all, is at a neutral location. When Difficult Child stole from me, he was no longer allowed at my house for a long, long time. One day after we changed the locks, alarm codes and installed new slide locks, I came home and he was there, going around to every door and garage door and trying to get in the house. I believe he was coming to try to steal more things, and get this: he was insulted that his key didn't work anymore.

    Meet your daughter---if and when you become ready to see her---at a restaurant. I would meet Difficult Child at McDonald's and at one point I would go to the homeless shelter where he hung out during the day time and we would sit in my car for 10 minutes and talk once a week on Fridays.

    I think we not only have to protect minor children, like you describe, but MN, it is good and perfectly okay and even advisable to protect YOURSELF emotionally and physically. She has exhausted you and you need a break and a rest from her and her carrying on right now.

    Let it go. Let her talk and protest and get mad. You take care of yourself and your family right now. This is setting boundaries and that is a good and healthy thing.

    Warm hugs and welcome to the forum again. We're glad you're here.
     
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  9. PiscesMom

    PiscesMom Active Member

    hi welcome mama nic. I agree with everyone here! Something that helps me is remembering to parent from down up. That means the youngest is most "important" - for lack of better word, and so on.

    I also agree that you should not meet at your house. How awful that would have been if she had been successful w cps. I am so sorry! How humiliating to be drug tested.

    Maybe you can have a list of numbers for when she calls - various hotlines, support groups, homeless shelters, whatever, so she has options, but your house isn't one of them!
     
  10. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    It's ok to walk away from a toxic relationship with your child for however much time you need. She has tried to get you in trouble with CPS repeatedly. I had to walk away from my son, no calls, no visits for about 6 months. He told me years later it was best thing I ever did for him. It hurts like hell, but I had to do it for my own sanity and for other kids in our home.

    Find women's abuse shelter numbers and provide those for her in case her boyfriend gets abusive again so at least she knows where she can go and be safe.
     
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  11. welcome-mat-no-more

    welcome-mat-no-more New Member

    thank you all for your input. I feel so much love and support. unfortunately, she did show up at my parents house on Christmas day. she also had her boyfriend with her. hes not physically abusive but he is somewhat mentally abusive. according to her he lets his friends belittle her and does nothing and he just treats her like crap in general. one day shell learn. anyways, she had gifts for my 3 youngest, they were happy to see her. she didn't say a word or even look at my husband {her stepdad/adoptive dad}. I avoided herfor the most part. she gave me a hug, but I'm an empath and the hug was void of any feeling at all. she was supposed to come after we were all gone for the day, or come that morning before we got there. she made a point of showing up in the middle of our gathering right before dinner. my mom apologized so many times. she had no idea she was going to show up. she told my mom she wouldn't come while we were there. so she totally lied to me, my parents and my sister. like I said I avoided her. she wasn't left alone with our other children either. the whole thing was false and well planned and done to make me look like the evil person she thinks I am. in the end she didn't even care why I didn't want her there, she never even asked. just text cursed me out and said that I wasn't welcome at her wedding when she had one and I wasn't welcome when she got pregnant. never text me on xmas day or after. I can only hope that she somehow got the hint. and in the end I think my parents and sister finally got the hint. I can only hope at this moment. thank you all for the love and support. ill report back if theres any new happenings.
     
  12. welcome-mat-no-more

    welcome-mat-no-more New Member

    hello again everyone. been a while but I wanted to update. Christmas came and went. mothers day came and went and I got nothing from her. my birthday came and went and I got nothing. and now its Christmas time again and shes wanting to "make up" again. am I crazy to think that its not real considering she only ever wants to "make up" at Christmas time? she texts me telling me that she wants to fix our relationship, but then posts things on facebook and instagram that say "the evil in this world has finally won and I cant stop it". and the comments on the posts just elude to her trying to garner sympathy from friends and family. and she paints us in such a bad light, that my cousin told her "shes the adult. shes the parent. its not your fault."(referring to me) no one has any clue about how toxic she is and they all just assume I'm a shitty mom. no one outside of my mom dad and sister knew that there was anything going on. until my grandma passed away 2 months ago. my daughter was at the funeral, which was fine, she had every right to be there. but sure as heck everyone noticed we weren't sitting together or talking to eachother. and she being the drama queen she is just fed right into that. but my husband and kids and I sat in the back and minded our own business while she sat with my mom and sister and consoled my dad(it was his mom that passed). its become an "it is what it is" kind of thing. I have to center myself a lot and remember that my husband and my other children deserve for me to be in the present and be 100% available. so when she text me last week, right before thanksgiving, and said that she wanted to go out to eat, just her and I, to talk and fix our relationship, I told her id think about it. but I also told her that what I had to say didn't belong in other peoples ears and going out to eat was probably not a good idea. she came back with what seemed to me as a cheerful response saying ok and that id have to let her know so she could check her work schedule. maybe I just think it was a cheerful response, but I don't think she grasped that my response meant I had nothing nice to say. and I really don't. from the outside looking in, family, friends or acquaintances might think I'm a bad mom. but I know what went on in our house. on a daily, minute to minute basis. I know the heart ache, the angry words, the deviousness. I felt the hatred for me, but more so the hatred she had for my husband. she still wont look at my husband(he adopted her), or talk to him or even acknowledge that he even exists. and I'm pretty sure the post about the evil in this world was her referring to him. and since she was 2 he was the most level headed, loving, prominent male in her life. she had her bio dad, but he was not levelheaded loving or prominent. but since my husband wasn't her bio dad then I guess he meant nothing. a few weeks ago I got into an argument with my dad over all this. he said all he wants is for everyone to get along so that he doesn't have to have 2 of everything when it comes to holidays. he told me that since the beginning I never wanted her. ill agree that I was young and naïve at 19 years old. I did do a lot of things wrong. but with everyone telling me to get an abortion or put her up for adoption, I did what I felt was right and kept her. my dad basically told me that I (along with her real dad) ruined her life and made her the way she was. and he said that my husband, loving on our first baby together, all the time and not loving on my daughter made her feel unloved. but my dad didn't live with us. we loved on my oldest daughter, but who doesn't dote on a baby? it just infuriates me that my dad only recalls things that he saw. he never saw anything that occurred anywhere other than in his own home. that was only when i visited and that wasn't much. and he made me lose a ton of respect for him. a few months ago he told my husband that a grandparents love for their grandchildren far outweighs the love they have for their children once they become a grandparent. I get that. ill probably feel the same way at some point. but never throughout this whole freaking debacle, has he ever once asked how my other kids are doing throughout this whole hellish mess. his only focus has been my oldest daughter. how can you tell my husband that grandkids are so precious, but then turn around and only care about one of them over the others. its all very depressing and just stretches my brain to unexpected lengths. I know I have basically vented a years worth of nonsense into this post. but I needed to get it out to others in my shoes. because unless you've gone through this type of thing, people just look at you like you've grown 2 heads. "omg, you don't talk to your daughter?" "how can you walk away from your child? that's your child?!" " I would never walk away from my child. never" ***sigh*** if only people knew. but I don't tell anyone, because I'm a private person. and its none of their business what I do or how I choose to raise my family. but then you get that cousin, who has a child out of wedlock, lives at home with mommy and daddy, who is an r.n. but keeps getting fired from jobs because shes just really unfriendly. telling the world that youre a bad mom and it just rips open all the healed over wounds. its taken everything in my willpower to not text her and rip her a new one. but I try to not start drama where drama doesn't need to be started. in the end I plan on texting my daughter and telling that I do not want to talk to her and may never want to. and that now is not the time to try and fix things. because honestly, theres nothing to fix. and if you've made it through till this point then I commend you. and it may seem like rambling but this was therapeutic for me to get all my words out and have them heard by people who can relate. thank you for reading and for any advice anyone has. now, I'm going to go find the post about the ""what ifs"" of letting toxic people go, I need to print that :censored2: out and keep it handy. much love to you all
     
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok, ok, ok.

    You are not at all wrong about her. Seems she wants Christmas presents. If she were mine, I would never tolerate her mean behavior and disregard of my husband, her REAL father, the one who raised her.

    Having said that, you are playing into your family drama for no reason. You are a mature adult and can make healthy decisions for yourself without needing the approval of your dad, your mom, Sis, Aunt Gertrude or your kissing cousins. You decide what is best for you and if others try to hatass you about tour good choices, either limit contact with the naysayers or tell them firmly "I am not going to discuss this." If they insist, excuse yourself and end the discussion. Social media next.

    I hate it and pretty much quit using it. Dont be so involved in FB. in my opinion it causes more harm than good. Stop reading your daughters page and stop caring so much about what she writes. People with abusive children need to grow thick skin. We have no choice. Those who REALLY know and love you will not believe her venom. The people who dont brlieve them are your real family/friends. Heck, pull out of the toxic clique in the family and reach out to new kind folks who dont know about this and start over. You can. I like this saying. "what others think of me is none of my business."

    Plan Christmas exactly as YOU want. Your family Christmas is not up to Dad unless it is in his home and he is cooking! If you want just a small family gathering, yoh can do that too. You do not have to listen to your parrnts anymore and, as long as you speak to them with politeness, you are not doing anything wrong. It is your life.

    Sounds like you have a long time meddlesome and intrusive family since they were in your business long ago when you got pregnant too. Time to break this abusive, enmeshed cycle.

    There was absolutely nothing wrong with you and beloved hubby fussing over your new baby. Everyone does. You fid not make your daughter this way. She is an adult and chooses to be this way. Its on her. Dont listen to anyone who sticks his/her nose into the issue with Daughter.

    Its time to stand on your own, take back your power, and to stop listening to intrusive family...you dont owe anyone details of your life but husband.

    I hope you have a nice, peaceful holiday and leave the drama on your doorstep.
     
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  14. welcome-mat-no-more

    welcome-mat-no-more New Member

    thank you somewhere out there. my sister is having Christmas this year. the hubs and I have decided that when we go(its a 25 minute drive) if the daughter is there then we are walking right back out the door and leaving. I don't think my sister will invite her as much as my daughter will just invite herself. so we will see. I am on Instagram and love it, its way less drama. and my fb account is really only there to look at local businesses if need be and has a couple non drama family members. I do check on my daughter from both. but I guess I justify that with not wanting to be blindsided. I do not like getting hit in the back of the head and not see it coming. so yeah I have a hard time not checking on her. but you are right that I need to stop. trying not to get blindsided in the end just does the same damage as if I was getting blindsided. lol. my parents and sister are basically the only family I have and my mom babysits when I work on Fridays. so its hard trying to maintain a balance between everyone. thank you for your kind words. and I will make sure that my holiday is a peaceful one because I need it and so do my hubs and kids.
     
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Oh how well I know the Grandparent Rewrite! The way they tell you how much you have screwed up your child by being a horrible parent and they totally ignore any responsibility the child may have in any of her behavior. Of course she doesn't have any responsibility, it is all your fault!! I went through that with my parents for a while. I would try to let it go if you can. Or walk away if he is spouting his nonsense. Or ask why he doesn't feel any love and protection toward his other grandchildren, only for his oldest grandchild?

    Chances are this daughter of yours has told him her tale of woe over and over while you have kept quiet and not told of the things she has done to your kids. Maybe you should tell your father that he is right. You should turn your other children over to CPS to be raised in foster care and then you should have your oldest daughter move into your home. After all, given all her reports to CPS, they don't want her to be around the other children. They feel she is a danger to them. (even if they don't outright say this, they probably do have this opinion given her many false reports). I wonder what his opinion would be if you suggested doing that?

    Anyway, you have to start trying to build some support outside of this family drama. Find something you like to do that doesn't involve your family. Stop looking at anything that has anything to do with your daughter or any family member who pressures you on her behalf. If they fall for her nonsense, she will take them for whatever she can get from them. That is their problem, not yours. Don't ever discuss her with them when they want to know why you let her take advantage of them.

    In the meantime, enjoy the holidays with your husband and children.
     
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  16. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    No, you are not crazy. This time of year people want to feel all warm and fuzzy. I think your daughter is wanting that "feeling". It's very easy for our adult difficult children to not see the chaos they have caused. If your daughter is like my son she will not only not see it but can't understand why we the parents can't just "let it go".
    Just because she claims she wants to "make up" does not mean you have to buy into it.

    I've been through this with my son as well. He has posted things on FB that make me look the meanest and coldest person on the planet. Here's my take on it, people that really know you will not think twice about things that she says. Those that buy into her line of thinking are not worth your time. You should never have to defend yourself or your actions.

    This may be true for some but not all. I have 3 grands that I love dearly but that does not outweigh the love I have for my son. Just because I love my grands does not mean that if down the road they turn into difficult adults that I won't distance myself from them if I feel the need to do so.
    I think your dad has rose colored glasses on where your daughter is concerned. Sadly the only way he would probably see things differently would be for your daughter to treat him the way she has treated you.

    You have to develop some thick skin to not let these kinds of comments bother you. I've had to endure the same kind of comments from people. Rather than trying to defend myself or explain, I would reply to them "I hope you never have to find out what it's like"

    As for your relationship with your daughter, that is no ones business but yours. If they persist be honest and to the point. When I had family members questioning me as to why I wouldn't let my son move back home I told them, I cannot have someone live in my home that I cannot trust. When they asked why I told them, because my son has stolen from me and damaged my property. I remember one family member saying "not son's name, he would never do that, he's so sweet" To which I replied, your lucky you have never seen the other side of him.
    It's also okay to get to the point where you tell them, "I'm not going to discuss this with you"

    This is not easy having to deal with our difficult adult children. The chaos they cause in our lives is like throwing a stone into a calm body of water, there are so many ripples, their actions sometimes lead into other relationships being strained.

    I'm glad you shared and vented, it does us good to get it out!

    I think you sound very strong. Stand firm in your choices.

    :notalone: