Scared son just got arrested

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by happymomof2, Nov 18, 2007.

  1. happymomof2

    happymomof2 New Member

    Okay - Police just came to my house and took my 14 year old away in handcuffs. husband is at the station now. Son went into an abandon house with another kid in the neighborhood. Son did not take anything but other kid did.

    Policeman said since he is 14 and this is his first offense he will more than likely be released to my husband tonight. He will have a court date and community service hours.

    OMG........I can't believe I am even having to sit her and type this. I am so angry at him and at the same time scared for him. I hope this scares the living :censored2: out of him. It has me.

    I have kept my kids out of schools in this district for 14 years. This year I thought he could handle going to the local high school. One of the reasons I kept him away so long is because of the kids in this neighborhood. When he was going to the other schools he only hung around the few kids that live nearby. I should have never let him go there. I feel like I have failed as a mother. I should have sent him somewhere else.

    I don't want to freak and make a hasty decision but my first reaction is to pull him out and homeschool him.

    Please pray for us.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I'll be saying a prayer.

    Take deep breaths and try not to panic.

    I know it's scarey, but even easy child's are known to do some pretty stupid stunts during the teen years. Thankfully, easy child's are more apt to learn a valuable lesson from such mistakes and are far less likely to repeat them.

    You've not failed as a mother. Nor has this really anything to do with whether or not you homeschool. Your easy child managed to get himself into a bad situation. Probably wasn't using his head. A common trait with any teen.

    I'm not trying to make light of the situation. I know it's scarey for you to think of him being arrested. I'd have felt the same had one of my kids found themselves in the same situation.

  3. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Sending hugs.

  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sending some hugs and prayers your way. I
  5. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Deep breaths.

    OK, here are some real big understanding hugs.

    Teenage kids do stupid things sometimes. I would not do anything hasty. On the positive, he got caught doing something pretty harmless. Hopefully he will be so scared by his dealings with the law that he will keep his nose clean. It could have been much worse; he could have been caught dealing drugs or something.

    As was mentioned before, this is not to make light of the situation. It is a frightening thing when your child is in police custody. Just pointing out that it's probably a good thing that he got caught doing his first stupid teen thing. It will hopefully stop him from doing other even more stupid teen things.

    Many prayers.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Has your son had any psychiatric evaluation lately? Has he seen a Psychiatrist (with the MD) or a neuropsychologist? I would certainly want a re-evaluation to see if it's more than ADHD. My daughter was in trouble at was drugs, but your son doesn't sound like things are that bad. Still, I'd want to double check that diagnosis.
  7. happymomof2

    happymomof2 New Member

    My husband was allowed to bring him home last night. We have to go before a judge this morning at 11:00. Not understanding why we have to go before one in a different county but maybe due to the holiday week the one in our county might be short staffed.

    I am a nervous wreck. Authority figures have always scared me. husband ask him a few minutes ago if he was nervous and he said not really. husband told him he should be.

    I am also guessing there will be fees involved in all this. He broke a window to get in. So that will have to be paid for plus court cost and all. Right here before Christmas isn't this grand.

    My sister is coming over to stay with mom this morning - she is 4 weeks out from having her last baby and she also had a tuble so she can't lift mom. I am going to wake her up in a few and see if I need to change her. All this just stinks.

    I can't get that picture out of my head from last night and the police handcuffing my son!!!!!!

    Not sure how we are going to restrict him but it will be heavy. I can't trust him now. I tried to give him a little more room and this is what happens. It breaks my heart.

    Thanks for all your replies and I will keep you posted. I never went through any of this I don't even know what they will do today other than set a court date.
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Well for one, I'd be having the boy earn that money if there are fees. That is much more valuable a learning lesson than a grounding.

    I'd also give him additional duties around the house. Possibly assisting in aiding your mother? How inconvenienced the household was on account of his behavior. He needs to see that.

    TRY as hard as you can to deal with this with as little emotion as possible. Cry later in your room, but appear deadpan to your son. If he sees that he can get a reaction like that out of you just by breaking a window, that is something he will keep in his teenage artillery for a long time.

    The voice of experience talking, my new friend. Continued hugs and prayers.
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    BBK made good points. In this instance making him earn the money to pay the court fees and such, and working around the house may be a much more effective way to drive the lesson home than simply grounding him.

    Good luck today. :flower:

    Sending warm ((hugs))
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    My first experience with "the law" was around thirty years ago when GFGmom was a teen and hooked up with a girl who liked boys
    and exciting things. I did everything I could to keep them apart usually happens.......that made them closer. One
    day I got a call at work that my daughter had been taken to the
    police station. Truly I almost fainted I was so shocked. I knew
    she wouldn't commit a crime. Well, she believed her friend who
    said "Billy wants us to meet him at his house after school and left the back door open in case he and his Mom are late."

    GFGmom believed every word and went into Billy's house. The other girl stole some little stuff with-o GFGmom even being aware.

    Teens make mistakes when they are with peers. It is scarey but
    you don't want to beat a teen down over a mistake in judgement
    because then you are pushing them into the peer group you want
    to avoid. I agree with him paying the costs. I agee with him
    being punished. I'm just warning that if you go overboard it
    can bite you in the...later on. Hugs. DDD
  11. ShakinThingzUp

    ShakinThingzUp New Member

    I agree...... he needs to earn the money to pay for all fees associated with this.

    Also, he has proven he can't handle the responsibility of the freedom he's been given (since he abused that freedom by breaking into a house)...... so, take some of it away for a while. (He'll be using that time to earn money to pay his debt anyway).

    I'd also want to know if they could make him do work TO the house he damaged??? To help show the value of property...

    God Bless!
  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm going to throw a little ice-water on the situation.

    If he is acting all cool about it I would try very hard to not lose my cool in front of him. I would point blank tell him that I was very disappointed in him, and had lost faith in him and that you hope he has the common sense to try to earn your faith back. Don't let him see you rattled. It probably gives him a sense of control. These kids usually can't control themselves, but it gives them a great sense of power if they think that they can control their parents.

    Your son acted in concert with the other boy. The law probably won't care much who took what, because both boys are guilty of burglary by breaking. There will be fingers pointed and neither of their word's will be good enough for the court, unless the other takes the blame entirely upon himself. Your son being the new one, I would be surprised at that kind of loyalty. Whatever you do, don't let your son minimize his behavior compared to the other boy's actions. What he did was wrong, and you shouldn't give an inch on that opinion.

    He should definitely be made to earn his way out of any fines. Honestly, I don't know that I would start by making him take care of your invalid mother. I might start by making him do the heavy stuff while I supervised. Your son is angry right now, and will be angry that there is punishment. It's not fair or healthy to make your mother deal with an angry teen in her most intimate and helpless moments. Maybe he could lighten the load by doing her laundry, or doing supervised chair transfers.

    As far as the homeschool thing goes? I don't know. Can he go back to his other school, or into the high school where his old friends are?
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ditto on earning his keep and paying back.
    But in regard to homeschooling, he can't only be kept out of circulation for so long b4 he goes off on his own and learns the good, the bad and the ugly. I'd keep him in school and just keep a close eye on him.
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Hi and welcome

    Sorry this situation is something you have to deal with. I had to also with my son.

    Here are some things I can tell you from my point of view with a difficult child that likes to break into houses - mine was the idiot lookout and in SC the crime of one is the crime of all - especially when the other 2 involved were already on probation and blamed it all on my son. (Nice)

    I would say by your sons attitude he isn't taking this seriously at all. Our children have very little apparent remorse because they don't think what they did in the first place was wrong or warranted the arrest. That being said

    Stop - and being to treat him in a manner that will make him more responsible for this - in other words DO NOT PAY FOR DOODLE - Make him earn every cent. THAT will make a bigger difference and a longer lasting impact as to what he's done. If there is a hope that this ever sinks in - you paying for it will speak volumes to him that it was never a real problem in the first place. Make it his problem. Step off.

    My first move would be to ask his arbitrator to tell him he can't go near the other child again and the house. If he does get off with a warning? Thank your lucky stars. In SC it's punishable by life in prison if they convict you as an adult. I'd like to tell you that I nearly had a stroke - but I HAD a stroke over all of this. I was WAY too involved. It nearly killed me.

    Lastly you are worried about restraining him - don't be. Write out the rules, the consequences and if he doesn't obey - call the police and don't threaten to do it - DO IT. Tell them he's in violation of his probation or whatever - if he doesn't go to community service because he's lazy? Don't call and make up stories - let him take the punishment for it.

    Life is knocking on his door and telling YOU to let him get his knocks - if you interfere in the process - you're only delaying him ever growing up. I know - I did it. Hope you can learn from my mistake.

    Sorry for your heart - I know the feeling - a lot of us here do, and it's only right to want to rush in and protect him or try to explain that your son is different or doesn't understand. A harsh life lesson they DO understand - my son is literally being scared somewhat straight and while he doesn't like it - He's doing the best he can to CONTINUE to stay out of jail. We let life happen and they told him if he messes up, misses one probation visit, doesn't do community service? He will serve 6 years in prison. He was the lookout for 3 home robberies. (not proud to say that at all) I didn't raise him to be like this - it's just what he wanted to do - just like your son. He wanted to do it - so he did it.

    Let him have the consequences from it and find something wonderful to do with YOUR time - don't waste it worrying about his next mess up.

  15. happymomof2

    happymomof2 New Member

    Thanks all for the hugs and prayers. After getting 4 hours of sleep last night we spend about 6 hours downtown. We entered the court room and sat down my difficult child was with us. Then kids came out from another room that were already in custody - yellow and orange jumpsuits complete with arms and legs shackled. I started tearing up. This has been one of the hardest days of my life.

    We got finished there then had to proceed to juvenile detention center for my difficult child's orders. He is released to us but is on "home detention". He can't even go out onto the porch. Not sure what the diff is between home detention and house arrest other than the fact he doesn't have to wear one of those fancy ankle bracelets.

    Oh yes, he will be grounded and will work off every cent of what this is going to cost us. No question about that. He is bummed that he cannot go to youth group at church. The officer did say we could call his probation officer and he might be able to go. I hate to not allow church. He needs all that he can get!

    His court date is 11/29 and we will see what comes of that. He may continue to be on home detention or community service hours. Who knows. Like I said I have never dealt with any of this before so it's all new to me. A friend of ours did say something about doing everything possible so that he is not charged with a felony. The felony will stay on his record 10 years and would totally mess him up going to college with his McKay scholarship. Since we have a public defender and not a private attorney (which we can't afford) we will have to work hard at getting him to listen to us. I know they are overloaded with cases.

    Just today in the courtroom the prosecuter? attorney? for the state and public defender was there and they were hunting through many papers when each kid came before the judge. Like they just received the paperwork and hadn't even looked at any of it. How could they? Not sure when all the other kids were arrested but if it was over the weekend like my son then the I am sure they got all that paperwork shoved at them first thing this morning.

    Just wanted to update on what is going on. If anyone knows anything about all these court terms and would care to fill me in I would appreciate it. I know a felony is worse than a misdameanor but that's about as far as my knowledge on this stuff goes.

  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Based on your reference to the scholarship, I am assuming I know where you live. There is a State site that provides info on the
    system for juvie as well as another section for adults. If you
    can't find it, send me a PM and I'll forward it to you.

    We have been in your shoes and thought that it was best for our
    kid to face the consequences. The juvenile felony charge was
    presented as a charge that would disappear at age 18. Not! Do
    not let them tell you that it will be gone. My easy child/difficult child who is now
    20 has one felony charge as an adult (drugs in car) I now know that his "going along" felony at age 14 remains an issue AND adds
    points for determining future punishment.

    I sincerely hope that this will be your one and only experience.
    It is ugly and sad and frightening. Many hugs. DDD

    PS: Sad to say, don't "trust" that the system will play fair and
  17. happymomof2

    happymomof2 New Member

    We had a consult with an attorney yesterday. For a <u>measly</u> 1500 bucks he <u>might</u> be able to get the charges dismissed. If not dismissed than at least get the felony charged changed. Of course my son will still have to do some community hours and/or classes. The attorney didn't say dismissed but I can't remember the word he used. I want to say "diffused"? not sure that was it either.

    I feel like I have aged 5 years in the last 3 days and my son still doesn't seem to get the seriousness of the situation. We have told him this will be the last time we "bail" him out. If anything happens again he will have to face full charges. The other thing I am going to do for him is try to get him out of school until I can find a medication to work for him. He is currently taking Attend but I haven't seen much results but then again he has only been on them 7 days.

    I know his breaking into that vacant home was not due to his ADHD, but the problem is if I send him back to school and his anger control problem escalates he will be in even more trouble. So either it's pull him out for a while and home school (which I don't even know where to begin) or put him back on script medications, which I am trying not to do. I was going to try the attend and if it didn't work then try one more natural medication and if that didn't work I was going to go back to scripts.

    After doing all this if he doesn't straighten his butt up then I feel I have done everything possible for him. If he gets in trouble again I will love him through it but I will not "bail" him out of it.

    He will be on a very short leash for quite a while. I will allow him to be involved in church activities with the youth group but he has broken his trust with me. Right now I feel like if I can't see him I can't trust him. All of this crushes my heart. I love my son very much.

    Thanks for the prayers and support and just for listening.

  18. Star*

    Star* call 911

    After doing all this if he doesn't straighten his butt up then I feel I have done everything possible for him. If he gets in trouble again I will love him through it but I will not "bail" him out of it.

    Write that down and paste in on your bathroom mirror to look at EVERY day so that you gain strength in your own wisdom.

    One of the hardest things to do in life is to let our children fail. We haven't failed them when we allow this natural process to occur. Rather we make ourselves unavailable for more heartache and set an example for our children as to what behaviors will and won't be tolerated.

    I'm not sure what the definition of parenting a 12 and older kid is - but after surviving it all? I think that is a pretty good explanation - if to no one other than myself.

    I'm sorry you are aging so rapidly - I have found that a lot of prayer and a little anti anxiety medicine help.