Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by amazeofgrace, Jul 4, 2008.

  1. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    My Aunt's sister was married to a man who is an alcoholic and was abusive to her and her daughter and also arrested and convicted of molesting a young boy. She divorced him and was on her own for over 2 decades. She has been a woman's advocate to help other abused woman. Now her health is failing (going blind, diabetes, heart problems) and her current boyfriend kicked her out. So who does she move back in with? Who is she claiming she has always loved and still does? Yep, the alcoholic, abusive, pedophile, x-husband!

    Why do I say scarey? Because I am hating myself for feeling like I still love S2BX and we're not even divorced yet. Will I still feel this way in 20 freakin years????:confused:
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Well, I am very sorry for your aunt's sister. I don't know how old she is, but intervention might be worth considering in a case like that.

    As far as your situation- when I divorced my X, I felt the same way. It is a battle- especially if we have religious beliefs that tell us that divorce is wrong. It did help me to have others around to remind me of why I started down the road of divorce to begin with. I didn't have kids with my X, and I suppose that would be more difficult. Another that helped- I came to my own resolution that I would ( and it was ok to) always feel some love for him- it would have been wrong to marry him if I hadn't felt that I could always love him. But, to love and/or have caring feelings for someone and to be married, live with them, and have them in kid's life on a daily basis were not exactly the same thing.

    So, my 2 cents- allow yourself to have feelings of love for him. But, remember that you're going down this road of divorce for a reason. Don't let yourself go backwards.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    And- I just remembered- you are living with his abuse on a daily basis as it is from your kids. Don't even think about going back into more. Aren't your hands full with trying to get your kids out of this habit?

    Yes- I am fussing at you! These things don't get better on their own. My X was physically and emotionally abusive. That is why I divorced him. I still cried 20-some years later when he died, but I AM. SO. GLAD. THAT. I DID. NOT. LIVE. WITH. HIM. FOR. ALL. OF. THAT. TIME.

    GOT IT????
  4. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Well said klmno.
    I think I would cry if my X died as well, and he was abusive, and still is verbally abusive to both me and difficult child.

    We started dating when I was 16. There is a bond that you make with people, that will never go away. Despite rationale.

    However, that does not mean that we act on our heart. We talk to our heart, and help it to heal. We have to treat it like a child, and nurture it in the right direction. It is an entity all to itself, that deserves coddling - but by the brain. The brain is the one who is the parent. It knows what you are supposed to do, and I would encourage, almost demand that your heart follow your brain.

    Keep supporting your brain with the food it needs. Al anon, healthy friends, and you will make the right choices. You may still feel a lot of "feelings", but that is all they are. You do not need to act on them.

    Hugs. Many of us have been where you are. And we support you.
  5. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Maybe I'm just cold, but it wouldn't phase me a bit if something happened to either one of my exes. I would feel bad for the kids, but that's it.

    S2BX treated you and the kids so poorly. Still does. You say you still love him, but what exactly do you love about him? Can you list any of the qualities that you love? Is it possible that you are just mourning the kind of marriage and man you wanted, but didn't have? Is there some part of you feeling like you failed because the marriage failed?

    I know I felt like a failure. But one person cannot make a marriage. While romantic love does exist, it generally fades if there isn't some substance to back it up.

    I suggest that you look inside to see why you still carry feelings of love toward a man who obviously doesn't deserve it.
  6. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    You know, there is that age old technique of simply writing a list of positives and negatives. Once you really put it on paper it's a physical thing that you can look at and hopefully see the light...either good or bad.

    It's tough to be emotionally tied to someone (for whatever reason) even when they are toxic to you and your family.

  7. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    toxic is a good word. It seems to be the adjective for every onne of my family member! evil mother in law is nuclear toxic though!
  8. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    after some after thought I deleted my pro and con list, as a security procaution
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    By who's definition? He sure doesn't sound like a good husband or father- or that he was making too much effort to become one. Are you sure you want to even consider the kids spending time alone with him?
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Honestly, he may call himself a Christian, but "I think that word does not mean what he thinks it means." (To quote The Princess Bride) It is inconceivable ;) to me that a man who cheats on his wife, is mentally and physically abusive to his wife and children, is critical of others, and is vain would be viewed at the Pearly Gates as much of a Christian.

    Will you still feel as you do now in 30 years? Probably. Hopefully you won't be diabetic and blind with no place else to live.