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Scary revelations about husband - help!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 72076" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>You have a clear definition in your head about what is "stupid" and what is "wrong". Do not assume that others have the same definitions. Especially do not assume that ANY man, especially one with his own self-interests taking control over his actions, has the same definitions.</p><p></p><p>A friend of mine (haven't seen him in years - I'm glad) had the hots for me. I continually made it clear that I valued our friendship too much to do anything so stupid; besides, I'm faithful to my husband completely and would never contemplate straying. I told this friend I'd already had other offers and to "take a number and wait", probably for eternity. Better still, look elsewhere because all he'd get from me is a cup of coffee and a chat.</p><p></p><p>It didn't stop him trying and as he kept persisting (and getting rebuffed) I noticed an alarming thing - he would describe a woman as "asking for it" or "flirting" and would say things like, "Your eyes really twinkled then. Your words say no, but your eyes don't."</p><p>I reminded him that eyes do not give out light on their own, they can merely reflect light - any twinkle he saw was in his own imagination.</p><p>But it made me realise - this man saw what he wanted to see, and he had an amazing knack for self-deception, especially if he thought it was something he could use to his advantage. And when he began to comment on how my daughter's eyes twinkled - I showed him the door.</p><p></p><p>Your husband described this girl as "coming onto him". The girl works behind a counter. She has probably been trained to be polite and friendly to customers. A girl who is flirting would not then tell her parents or express concern about being stalked. Yes, a girl can misunderstand a perfectly innocent situation, but it seems your husband also misunderstood when he said she was "coming onto him".</p><p></p><p>Even if a 16 year old girl WAS flirting with him, he should NEVER even think of acting on it. She is under-age; he is also married.</p><p></p><p>But he rang her about babysitting. Since when does HE organise babysitting? And why organise it with someone you don't know? And why not talk to you about it - "Hey, honey, there's a bright young girl down at the shop, I think she'd make a good babysitter, she seems really efficient, why don't you drop in and see what you think when you meet her?" That's what a GENUINE man would say to his wife, if the enquiry was genuine.</p><p></p><p>This girl told her parents (or someone) who put a detective onto it. So she wasn't happy, she clearly was NOT flirting with him, instead he made her feel very uncomfortable.</p><p></p><p>Think how this girl is feeling - scared, because she hasn't a clue if this man is dangerous, or if he is watching her at night, or watching her at other times - this can be terrifying for a young girl. So many men just do not realise how scared they can make others, purely out of their own inappropriate interest.</p><p></p><p>It's quite possible that the worst your husband did was give this girl his phone number. If he gave it to her out of macho bravado - a pretty girl who smiled at him - then he is an idiot, but a fairly innocent one. It is no huge crime, he did nothing wrong because no crime was committed.</p><p></p><p>But if he said as he handed the number over, "Call me for a good time" or something more specific - I don't know what the legal situation is in your area, but that would put a darker colour on the situation.</p><p>If he's been dropping in to visit her at work too frequently, waiting for her when she leaves, following her or attempting anything - definitely something the police would talk to him about.</p><p></p><p>Is it worth paying $20,000 blackmail to hush it up? THAT worries me a lot. What sort of guilty conscience do you have to have, to be prepared to pay that amount?</p><p></p><p>I am reminded of my good friend whose second husband began behaving oddly. Similar bits of things were not adding up, his story never fully tallied with the little scraps of conversations and other things (like bank statements).</p><p>She was a very faithful wife, but enough things happened to make her concerned so she checked up on him. At about the same time, her daughter told her that her stepfather had been molesting her and had only recently stopped.</p><p>My friend checked phone records, she checked his computer logs, she checked his bank statements. She even had him followed and what she found was ghastly. It involved young girls, often friends of her daughter as well as other young girls my friend had brought into the house as part of a course she was offering (encouraged to do so by her husband).</p><p>My friend discovered her husband was having an affair with a 15 year old she had brought into the house. She said to me, "I didn't even know you could hire motel rooms by the hour."</p><p></p><p>Her husband was very persuasive - he had my friend convinced that this was all her fault, if she hadn't been so busy with her job and the courses she was running (which he had supported, so he could get more access to young girls) then he wouldn't have been tempted.</p><p>I think what finished her was finding all the kiddie porn on his computer.</p><p></p><p>I'm not saying that your husband is anything like my friend's husband, only that this sounds like an iceberg - 70% of it is still hidden.</p><p></p><p>That $20,000 - why was he so ready to pay it? What could he be afraid of, if he's done nothing wrong (only stupid)?</p><p></p><p>I have a horrible feeling that your husband's definition of "stupid" is "getting caught".</p><p></p><p>Get legal advice. fast. Get all your vital documents copied (secretly) fast. Keep the copies away from home. Keep a small bag packed also, away from home (where he can't accidentally find it).</p><p></p><p>Check bank statements, phone records, anything else you need to. Because he's not telling you the truth.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 72076, member: 1991"] You have a clear definition in your head about what is "stupid" and what is "wrong". Do not assume that others have the same definitions. Especially do not assume that ANY man, especially one with his own self-interests taking control over his actions, has the same definitions. A friend of mine (haven't seen him in years - I'm glad) had the hots for me. I continually made it clear that I valued our friendship too much to do anything so stupid; besides, I'm faithful to my husband completely and would never contemplate straying. I told this friend I'd already had other offers and to "take a number and wait", probably for eternity. Better still, look elsewhere because all he'd get from me is a cup of coffee and a chat. It didn't stop him trying and as he kept persisting (and getting rebuffed) I noticed an alarming thing - he would describe a woman as "asking for it" or "flirting" and would say things like, "Your eyes really twinkled then. Your words say no, but your eyes don't." I reminded him that eyes do not give out light on their own, they can merely reflect light - any twinkle he saw was in his own imagination. But it made me realise - this man saw what he wanted to see, and he had an amazing knack for self-deception, especially if he thought it was something he could use to his advantage. And when he began to comment on how my daughter's eyes twinkled - I showed him the door. Your husband described this girl as "coming onto him". The girl works behind a counter. She has probably been trained to be polite and friendly to customers. A girl who is flirting would not then tell her parents or express concern about being stalked. Yes, a girl can misunderstand a perfectly innocent situation, but it seems your husband also misunderstood when he said she was "coming onto him". Even if a 16 year old girl WAS flirting with him, he should NEVER even think of acting on it. She is under-age; he is also married. But he rang her about babysitting. Since when does HE organise babysitting? And why organise it with someone you don't know? And why not talk to you about it - "Hey, honey, there's a bright young girl down at the shop, I think she'd make a good babysitter, she seems really efficient, why don't you drop in and see what you think when you meet her?" That's what a GENUINE man would say to his wife, if the enquiry was genuine. This girl told her parents (or someone) who put a detective onto it. So she wasn't happy, she clearly was NOT flirting with him, instead he made her feel very uncomfortable. Think how this girl is feeling - scared, because she hasn't a clue if this man is dangerous, or if he is watching her at night, or watching her at other times - this can be terrifying for a young girl. So many men just do not realise how scared they can make others, purely out of their own inappropriate interest. It's quite possible that the worst your husband did was give this girl his phone number. If he gave it to her out of macho bravado - a pretty girl who smiled at him - then he is an idiot, but a fairly innocent one. It is no huge crime, he did nothing wrong because no crime was committed. But if he said as he handed the number over, "Call me for a good time" or something more specific - I don't know what the legal situation is in your area, but that would put a darker colour on the situation. If he's been dropping in to visit her at work too frequently, waiting for her when she leaves, following her or attempting anything - definitely something the police would talk to him about. Is it worth paying $20,000 blackmail to hush it up? THAT worries me a lot. What sort of guilty conscience do you have to have, to be prepared to pay that amount? I am reminded of my good friend whose second husband began behaving oddly. Similar bits of things were not adding up, his story never fully tallied with the little scraps of conversations and other things (like bank statements). She was a very faithful wife, but enough things happened to make her concerned so she checked up on him. At about the same time, her daughter told her that her stepfather had been molesting her and had only recently stopped. My friend checked phone records, she checked his computer logs, she checked his bank statements. She even had him followed and what she found was ghastly. It involved young girls, often friends of her daughter as well as other young girls my friend had brought into the house as part of a course she was offering (encouraged to do so by her husband). My friend discovered her husband was having an affair with a 15 year old she had brought into the house. She said to me, "I didn't even know you could hire motel rooms by the hour." Her husband was very persuasive - he had my friend convinced that this was all her fault, if she hadn't been so busy with her job and the courses she was running (which he had supported, so he could get more access to young girls) then he wouldn't have been tempted. I think what finished her was finding all the kiddie porn on his computer. I'm not saying that your husband is anything like my friend's husband, only that this sounds like an iceberg - 70% of it is still hidden. That $20,000 - why was he so ready to pay it? What could he be afraid of, if he's done nothing wrong (only stupid)? I have a horrible feeling that your husband's definition of "stupid" is "getting caught". Get legal advice. fast. Get all your vital documents copied (secretly) fast. Keep the copies away from home. Keep a small bag packed also, away from home (where he can't accidentally find it). Check bank statements, phone records, anything else you need to. Because he's not telling you the truth. Marg [/QUOTE]
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Scary revelations about husband - help!
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