School and medication refusal. She's out of control

[Californiablonde]

I have no idea what to do with difficult child 1 anymore. She is now flat out refusing to go to school and now she's refusing her medications. She already missed Wednesday and Thursday this week and now today. The blood work results came back from the doctors and it turns out she does not have a bacterial infection at all. So the antibiotics were for nothing. Who knows what was causing the nausea IF she's even telling the truth about that. But now that the results have come back, suddenly her stomach issues have gone away.

Now she's just refusing to go to school because she doesn't like it there. She's been asked about the teachers and other kids there. She states that she doesn't have a problem with either. She just doesn't want to go. Last night I had a talk with her and told her she has to go to school or the school will be putting her on a contract. She said she doesn't care. Let them put her on a contract but she still isn't going because she doesn't "feel like it." They have the whole week off for Thanksgiving and she is telling me she may go back after the break is over but she will not go now. This morning I tried to convince her to go to school by offering to buy breakfast at McDonald's. She still refused. So I took easy child to McDonald's and left her at home.

So now she's missed school three days this week. Now she's even refusing her morning medications. Yesterday my mom called her and reminded her to take her Trileptal. She asked my mom if she would pick her up and take her to the boy's and girl's club. My mom told her no, absolutely no way. If she was going to skip school then there was no way she would take her to the club to spend time with her friends. She then told my mom she was refusing to take her medications because she my mom wouldn't pick her up. This is the second time she has refused her medications. My mom told her she would be admitted to the psychiatric ward if she went unstable. I reiterrated to her that I had no problems taking her to the mental hospital should she have another manic episode. Once again, she said she didn't care.

I don't know what to do with her anymore. I knew the day would come when she would decide to stop her medications. How do I force them on her if she refuses to take them? I feel so helpless right now. Being a single parent is so hard when I have no discipline back up. I feel bullied. I feel like difficult child is calling all the shots and running all over me. I hate to threaten to send her to her dad's, but if she doesn't shape up, that's exactly where she is headed. Now she's even cussing at me and refusing to do anything. How do you make a child do something when they are so strong willed that they refuse? I just don't know what to do with her.

 

[StressedM0mma]

CB, I understand where you are coming from. I was, and still am in a similar situation. I am going to tell you what so many people on the board have told me, and at the time I was scared to do it, but you really need to. If you cannot get her into the car physically, you need to call the police on her. I know it sucks, and it is a very scary thing to have to do, but you need to explain to your difficult child that she has to go to school. It is the law. And, it is her "job" right now. My difficult child was reusing h\last year, and we were not forcing her to go, and it was a huge battle to get her back in. You cannot let her have the power to make that decision. We did have the police come to our house when difficult child was acting out. And they were on our side, and told difficult child that we could do whatever it took to get her in the car and get her to school. Even if that meant we had to drag her down the stairs. She started this again a little this year, and everytime she would do it, I would call someone to escort her into the building. More than anything I wanted my difficult child to know that I meant what I said. She would call my bluff, and I would back down. No More. I have never dealt with a medication refusal. But, I hand my difficult child her medications in the morning and the evening and watch her take them. Can you give difficult child her medications before you leave in the morning? THat way you know that she has taken them? I hope that things start to get better, and that she will get back into school.

 

[Californiablonde]

I try and give her the medications and she refuses to take them. I don't know what else to do. Calling the police is a good idea. Haven't tried that one yet. Next step for the school to do is put her on a contract. I am going to call them today and see if we can all have a meeting and make difficult child sign it. If she still refuses to go to school the next step is truancy court. I am trying my hardest not to let it get to that point. I could get in trouble for this as well as difficult child and she knows this. They can also suspend her from getting her license until she is 18. None of these consequences matter to her.

 

[InsaneCdn]

How much of this does X play into the picture? either intentionally, or because his koi is affecting her?

If it's a choice between truancy court and psychiatric hospital... I'd be running to psychiatric hospital. She obviously has a problem... and it's between the ears, of course - but we don't know whether it's in her control or not.

Play it "safe" and assume it isn't in her control... ?
I don't know, it's a tough call.

 

[Californiablonde]

Well now she's calling me and texting me at work trying to get me to call my mom to bring her some food. I usually do my grocery shopping on Friday nights after work so right now our house is pretty bare. I warned difficult child this morning that she would be stuck without hardly anything to eat if she didn't go to school today. She told me she didn't care. NOw she just texted me f..k you and she hates me. Looks like I have a fun night ahead of me....sigh.

 

[Californiablonde]

The harassing texts continue. She is now telling me that she is going to refuse to go to school permanently and I will go to jail for it. I told her that there's no way I will go to jail over her and I will send her to a damn group home before I suffer the consequences for her behavior. She is giving me damn anxiety and I'm trying to work through it all. Damn her.

 

[pasajes4]

psychiatric hospital. It sounds very much like an episode. I would push for RTI. In the meantime document your efforts to get her to comply. Call the school each time she is truant and mark it on a calendar and the name of the person you spke to. Talk to the district truancy officer and discuss your case and your efforts. My district will go so far as to put chronic truants on ankle monitors. The key is to document, document, document.

 

[buddy]

Yeah, the few times q has refused medications....everything stopped. I.literally go up in my room and let him hear me calling to cancel whatever our plans are.
Im guessing no psychiatric hospital would keep her if she's not a danger to self or others but you can still go and document your efforts and her behaviors. No.fun for.her either. As for.the .food ...pbj's and.cereal. or whatever is around. No fast food for sure. She sounds like she has or wants lots of power. Hang tough mom. She doesn't sound well but of course you still have to stick to your guns. Can you get an emergency psychiatrist appointment?

 

[buddy]

PS. Turn.off.her.phone? smile. (She clearly doesn't know how to use one appropriately )

 

[Californiablonde]

OH trust me she will be losing all phone privileges as soon as I get home. All weekend. I am beyond upset at this point. Unfortunately she is going to make easy child and I suffer right along with her. And we have all next week off for Thanksgiving. Should be fun times.

 

[DDD]

I probably shouldn't even post. Truthfully I do not have experience in this area. on the other hand I have to say that a threat of sending her to a mental hospital does not seem appropriate to me. in my humble opinion (and without experience in this arena, I reiterate) threatening is not the right road. The goal is for her to be healthy and functional. As her loving Mom you are doing your best. IF she needs "intervention" by experts that is aok. "Threatening", however, sounds like a 1950's way of dealing with a serious problem. To me it is like a physical illness. If you have such pain that your Mom really can't alleviate the pain THEN we need to seek the help of experts. As I see it that is a HUGE difference. I would not want one of my children to see mental health (or physical health) as a threat. Sorry. It just doesn't seem right. DDD

 

[Bunny]

If she is not going to go to school she should not have access to her phone. I agree with you on that one. Once school starts up again and she refuses to go I would call the school and tell them she is refusing to go. You can not physically pick her up and put her in the car that you need a truancy officer send to your house to bring her to school. Maybe that will get her butt moving.

She is doing something that my difficult child would do. She refused to take her medications because her grandma wouldn't do what she wanted. Definately a difficult child move. I won't do what is expected because you won't do what I want. medications are not something that I play around with. If you refuse medications you don't get any privilidges. Period. I know my difficult child needs his medications to remain stable and I am not going to put the rest of us through his koi because he won't take his medications if he doesn't get his way. Not going to happen.

How was she when you got home from work?

 

[StressedM0mma]

How is your evening going California? Did she settle at all? There is NO way she would have been getting food from g'ma. She chose to stay home. Too bad. And, I would be taking the phone permanently for awhile. It is not a necessity. One thing I learned while difficult child was in the psychiatric hospital was that I do not have to talk to her if she is not going to be respectful. You do not have to respond to any of her texts. Disengage everytime she starts. It is hard not to argue with them. But, it helps.
I wish I had some answer to the medication refusal. I give difficult child her morning medications while she is still asleep. I bring them up, hand them to her, and she takes them and goes right back to sleep. Is there anyway you could do that? I have been very lucky. My difficult child has never refused her medications. She actually knows that they help her, and without them she is not stable. We are very very lucky. Hope things go well next week.

 

[Californiablonde]

Came home and the place was ransacked. Clothes, trash, pictures everywhere. All over the apartment. I asked her what happened and she just smiled sweetly at me and told me she was looking for money to buy food. I don't have the strength to deal with it tonight. Will have to address it in the morning. I am tired and on my last nerve. Should be a "fun" weekend.

 

[buddy]

OMG, I hope she is more reasonable today. If this is a sign of cycling I hope you can get an appointment asap.

I admit if q is in a spiral I back off demands a little and am super careful about picking my battles. The food thing would have been tricky for us because hunger is a trigger around here. He'd still have to clean but I'd say it then back off. He simply wouldn't go anywhere till it was done. He gripes and threatens the whole time but of course has to make things right. It's so not fun.

 

[welcometowitsend]

I have zero advice. Just a warm hug and hope that the rest of your weekend improves and things get better.

 

[DammitJanet]

Okay I am going to be much tougher here. Your daughter is attempting to run the show. She has two jobs in life at this point. 1 is to go to school and the other is to take her medication because it is prescribed to her by the doctor. She is refusing to do both of those. Her world needs to stop until she does those two things.

You solve the school refusal by bringing in either the truancy officer or the police, whichever the school tells you to use. As far as medications, well, her world simply stops until she takes them. No TV, no computer, no food, no water, no talking, no going to bed, NO NOTHING...until her medications are taken. If she still wont take them, ask her doctor if they come in another form such as one you can take her in and have injected once a week or a liquid you can pour down her throat. Anything. I dont play with medications. You take them or you dont live with me.

 

[greenrene]

Someway, somehow, you have GOT to take back your control. She is running the show - the ransacked apartment and the sweet smile would have been the absolute last straw for me. I would take away any and ALL privileges - TV, phone, computer, EVERYTHING until she 1) cleaned up the mess and 2) starts taking her medications. Let the truancy officer take care of school.

 

[susiestar]

You have played with this more than enough. Time to make her world stop until she complies. No tv, phone, music, no books but textbooks, take those things to a storage unit if you don't have doors strong enough and with strong enough locks to keep her out. No food she likes in the home until she cooperates, and at the first refusal of medications or school you call the school resource office (cop based at school) and/or the police. Take away the clothing she likes and dress her the way you want - and if it is uncomfortable, all the better. She can be nice and comfy when she is doing what she needs to do.

If this doesn't stop and stop NOW, send her to live with her father. yes, you don't like him. No, he may not be the greatest person or father. Yes, he will likely threaten to make it permanent. That is fine. The big deal NOW is to get medications and school accomplished and if you need to send her to her dad and have hm force the issue or decide medications are bad and live with her off of them, then that is what you need to do. It is what SHE NEEDS for you to do. I am rather sure that her dad will either force her to comply or attempt to send her back to you when she is too much trouble. She doesn't like him? Too bad, so sad. She can have what she wants when she does what she needs to do. Period.

I know how hard this is to follow through on. been there done that and it was ugly. BUT I don't regret it. You need to not be a friend or the parent she likes. That is not what is in her best interest. Letting her get away with this is not going to help her.

Of course the psychiatric hospital shouldn't be a threat. It is simply a fact that if she is manic or unstable then she needs care and the psychiatric hospital is where you get that. Period. Cops are also not a threat. They are what you do when someone breaks the law. Not going to school at her age is against the law. So you call the cops when she wont'go. not taking her medications is unhealthy and at 14 she is not old enough to make that decision. medications are one of the very few things that I did not have trouble with from Wiz. He was quite sure i would pill him like i did the cat. When he was bigger than I was, he knew I would come in at night and do it if it was needed. He also knew that if he hit me over medications I would figure out a way to tie his hands down when I needed to make him take medications. And if the taste was awful? Then you should have taken them with-o the struggle - they go down easier that way and you don't have the nasty taste.

Yes, this IS harsh. But it was just so important that he take his medications that I made double dang sure he knew that I would NEVER tolerate it and that I loved him enough to do the hard, harsh, most unfun things needed if they were in his best interest.

Please stop playing with this and use whatever you have to get her to go. Even if that breaks your heart and means she has to live with her father for a while. This should NOT be a threat, but I would calmly explain that you will do this unless she stops the refusal of medications and school and stops it for good. Give her a chance, and maybe she will choose to stop refusing. If not, follow through. If you don't follow through, don't even bring it up - you do tons more damage by giving chance after chance and not doing what you say you will do.

 

[DammitJanet]

I so completely agree with Susie. Most medications can also be crushed and given in applesauce if she wont swallow them. When I was in the hospital and I had swallowing issues, they either crushed my medications and simply gave them to me in powdered form or they mixed them with pudding or applesauce. Yes they were incredibly nasty but I had to take them. I had no choice and at the time, my swallowing reflex was so bad I couldnt possibly swallow the pills at their size nor could I swallow thin water or drink. I had to swallow thick things. That left me in a world of hurt.

You cannot let her get away with making these decisions for herself. When she is 18, fine and dandy, but right now you are the mother and what you say goes.