School / difficult child / husband - vent

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kjs, Oct 16, 2008.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Ok, I have been holding this in now for a few weeks and I am ready to explode.

    After the initial two weeks of school, I soon learned difficult child wasn't doing work. (probably why he said he loved school) After that first initial meeting there was a very loud argument that followed. To which difficult child texted easy child and some very unkind words were sent my way. Ofcourse, husband did nothing. Sided with difficult child. (feel for his "feel sorry for me" act)

    Then difficult child was really excited, a girl from the home school accepted his invitation to homecoming. Only to call and cancel ten days later. (she said she had to go out of town). He was really let down.

    Now he doesn't want to go to this school, all his friends are at the other school.

    Then comes another meeting a week ago Tuesday. Two hours later I leave. Having his current grades. (4 blocks, c, d, d-, b) Missing work in all. I tried to controll myself but totally lost it. husband tried talking to him as he sits at the computer. difficult child starts playing a game as husband is talking. I make him logout. Then he logs onto AIM, I make him log out. Then he starts clipping hi snails..I take it away.

    I totally lost it. Prior to school the next day, difficult child says I ruin his life and I should leave. He leaves.

    I had to bring him some pants (his had a hole in it, not allowed) and I also brought a blank paper I found. He changed. I handed him his paper and he crumpled it up and threw it down. He hates the school, he hates me. I ask for his phone due to his disrespect and he says no and heads down the hall. From the other end of the hall he is screaming how he hates me and I ruin his life and get out. I left school crying.

    Two days after that meeting husband went to conference, I had to work. All good reports, no missing work, all told husband he is doing better. Friday, the next day I get new progress reports...3 B's and 1 C. No D's.

    Things get better over the weekend. He goes to school fine Monday. An hour later I get a call from the laison officer. difficult child suspended. Didn't know why, the dean would call later with that information.

    difficult child has mentioned on and off that kids always tease him about being short. This day, I am yelling at him, crying all the way home. Later he starts telling me what happened. Two boys pick on him every day. Push him into the lockers, push his head to the wall, call him names and many nasty things about not being in puberty and being short. This day, after the very nasty comment (I cannot repeat it here) difficult child lost it. Not fighting, but very angry. That anger got him sent home. He asked me if I would pick him up because these boys ride the bus.

    He didn't tell. When the dean called I told, I gave the two names. She didn't know. Said that would make her angry too. Bullying is not allowed and it will be taken care of.

    difficult child asked on Monday if he can see psychiatrist. Hasn't seen him since last May. difficult child asked to go back on Lamictal. he said he doesn't like feeling so angry and hopes this can help. I call psychiatrist. Start lamictal. psychiatrist said Lamictal can help with headaches too. He addressed my concern of him being short. he said to talk to his pediatrician about growth hormones.!!!

    I am just not ready to throw him into something he isn't ready for. He is 13. Will be 14 two months from today. All his friends have grown a foot and sound like men. He is very upset that he isn't.

    Ok. sorry. If anyone made it through, thanks.

    next day he returned to school. He said he didn't see the boys.
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I am so sorry school is becoming a challenge. Too bad he did not tell the principal why he was angry. Another incident where it is the victim that gets into trouble and the bullies are not touched. I would hope the reason he didn't see those boys are because they are suspended.

    I don't agree with suspension without the principal first meeting with parents to review what is going on. That would have solved this one quicker with no suspension for your difficult child.

    It sounds like he is really trying to keep control. He wants to be a good person and it upsets him when he is angry. Good for him for trying to find ways to get a handle on what is going on.
  3. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I hope things look up for you soon, it is so hard when it seems that nothing can go right. I am glad difficult child at least told you about the bullies. It would be hard to be 13 and not maturing the way his friends are. Hormones sometimes just do not kick in when kids want them to.

    Hugs. Hang in there.
  4. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    It's good you got to the bottom of what's been bothering him. Boys are often afraid to tell anyone about bullying for a lot of different reasons. But the bottom line is that it can NOT be tolerated, and for our difficult child's who have enough trouble coping, it's essential we intervene on their behalf and persist until the problem is solved. We learned that the hard way with difficult child 2 this past year.

    Kudos to your guy for acknowledging his feelings and asking for help, by the way. Maybe now he will be able to get back on track and stay there.

    As for the growth issues, we know ALL about that. difficult child 1 was stunted for a number of years because of his Crohn's disease. It's only been this past year that he's gained any appreciable inches and is now finally catching up to some of his peers. This is the first year since he was in kindergarten that he hasn't been the shortest kid on his soccer team!

    Some boys just don't start puberty until much later. husband was a late bloomer, and continued to grow in his college years. So unless there is an actual hormone deficiency or nutritional deficits due to illness (which your pediatrician can help rule out), it's likely your guy is just on a different time schedule. (Of course, if the genetics in your family show lots of folks of shorter stature, there's not much you can do about that).

    It's too bad he had to put you all through so much drama, but maybe this can be a lesson in better communication with you for the future. Things don't have to be so hard, and he needs to understand that his parents are people he can turn to for help.
  5. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Kjs, I'm sorry things are so rough at school for your difficult child. I think it's great that difficult child advocated for himself to get back on medications to feel better.

    My daughters are both on growth hormone therapy for slow growth and short stature. It wasn't as simple as just going to our pediatrician for the prescription, although we did start with the pediatrician, who ran some blood tests, ordered a bone age X-ray and then referred us to a pediatric endocrinologist. The endo ran some more tests (including a 4-hour evaluation in the hospital) and then offered to prescribe growth hormone once she determined that their adult height predictions were well below 5 feet tall. Although short stature runs in our families, the girls were going to be significantly shorter than anyone else in the family and their ability to function effectively as adults would have been affected. That's why husband and I decided to go ahead with the treatment.

    If your son is not growing much and his puberty is significantly delayed, you should determine if there is a medical reason for what is going on. But gcvmom is right that some boys go through puberty later and end up just fine. Has your pediatrician ever been concerned about your difficult child's growth over the years?
  6. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Kjs, I'm sorry that your difficult child is having such a tough time at school. Good for him for getting up the courage to tell you about the bullying, and way to go for getting it dealt with swiftly.

    With regard to the growth issue, some kids are late bloomers. My difficult child was always the short and very thin. He didn't start going through puberty until he was nearly 17, then he shot up, voice changed etc. practically overnight.

    Does your difficult child fall within the normal percentiles for height and weight? Has your doctor ever expressed concern with his growth over the years?

    I think Smallworld makes a very good point. If there's a concern that your difficult child will not reach an adult height that is within the normal limits, and that it will impair his ability to function as an adult, then it may be worth considering the treatments. Otherwise, it might be that his clock is just running a bit more slowly than some of his friends.
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry difficult child is struggling at his school and that he is being so cruddy to you. You most certainly don't deserve this from him or husband.

    I can't say much about the growth hormone stuff, my difficult child is a bit younger.
  8. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    As for growth...husband said he was in puberty by 8th grade. (he has a darker complection..seems as if they always first). husband is about 5' 10 for the most. However I AM 6 feet. I have two brothers 6' 7", and a sister 5' 10.

    difficult child has always been chunky. sometimes he thins out, but goes back to the stocky look. Where he thinks he is so fat and won't do anything because he is afraid others will make fun of him. So he is NOT small weight wise, just short.
  9. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Growth hormone only affects height, not weight. Have him evaluated if you're concerned.
  10. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would suggest, if you are truly concerned, that you make an appointment and address the height issue with his peddoc - they can move you on to a specialist from there.

    I gotta say though that I think some of the issues he is just blaming on the "poor me" thing to be manipulative. I know I don't him, but he is being disrespectful and disobediant. I think you and husband need to sit quiety together and decide what "basket" things are going to go in. If husband is talking to difficult child and asks him to turn off the computer and he defies him, why is he still able to use the computer? Consequences should be used for both the good and the bad. He brought his grades up - a positve consequence. He doesn't do his class work - he does it at home before tv, phone, or computer use - consequence.

    Just my two cents worth.

  11. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I TOTALLY agree. it gets me so angry that I am just not nice. Then I come to work all night and sit and think about him and feel so bad for the way I am thinking.

    HAH we don't even OWN a basket!! If we do we certainly have different ones! husband falls for him every time, every day, every minute!

    husband doesn't even NOTICE he is playing a game or talking to friends. He doesn't even realize how disrespectful difficult child is being. And difficult child doesn't even know he IS disrespectful because husband has never disciplined him in his life. If he does notice it seems perfectly ok with it. I am the one who is NOT ok with it. That is why I get yelled at from everyone. They both say I start everything. difficult child doesn't defy him...husband never tells him to stop. So difficult child just does as he pleases.

    I totally agree 100%. But he doesn't do anything. Not lately. Hard to reward him when he doesn't leave the house lately. i do take away the keyboard/mouse, xbox controllers, cell phone...ipod, etc. He earns them back one at a time. Wish I could really do something that would make a difference for him. Something he might work harder to achieve to gain the reward.

    Again - Total agreement here. Trouble is I work midnight to noon. On the days I work I am usually sleeping. Can't enforce anything when I sleep. As for husband - I keep chewing him out for not reading difficult child's homework. difficult child can just scribble and say he is done and husband says "ok". Yet I am the one who get the emails or calls. I am the one who has to go to school for the past 8 years!

    He really cannot do his work at school. He has 4 90-minute blocks. Four classes. So homework is just that..homework. Honors Biotechnology is ATLEAST 1.5 - 2 hours each night. Teacher says if they put off one night it will be 4 or more the next. it is a chapter a day. Plus questions, projects. And this is a daily thing.
  12. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Why can't he really not do his work at school? I don't understand. I mean, I do understand the "I'm not doing this because I don't feel like it" because I've been there with my difficult child. I guess the way you said it - he really cannot do his work at school makes me think there is something wrong or going on at school?

    You know, I remember when you first came on the board. I remember telling you one time to take your number off the call list at school and give them husband's number instead. I can't remember whether you did that or not. If he needs to go to his boss and tell him/her that his son is having some major issues with school transition and he has to be available to speak to the school when, and if, they call then that's what he needs to do. Why, in this society, do people seem to place more importance on the man's job? Unless he's doctor in surgery, he needs to deal with his son at school.

    If my ability to inforce the rules, etc. with difficult child were being compromised by the bonehead (his bio and my ex), you bet your sweet bippy he would be dealing with the school consequences (I would give his cell and office number out in a hot minute). He would be getting a real quick lesson on IDEA! (Oh, and I would force him a few books too!!!!!)

    Another bit of two cents!

  13. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Sharon - husband works in a shop. No cell phones allowed. must be turned off or they get written up. He does turn it on at break and lunch but must go outside for a signal.
    Cannot call. They will not deliver a message until break of lunch, in which case I can call his cell at that time. I tried giving his number to school. The trouble there is teachers have different open periods to make calls. husband cannot answer the phone. He can return calls on his break or lunch but the teachers are not always available. By the time the office pages them, they come to the office...husband's break is over. And if it is a thing where difficult child needs to be picked up...nobody gets the message.

    I am in an office when I am at work I can answer the phones.

    School - They do not have study hall's with the block schedule. They have 4 ninty minute blocks. they earn a credit at semester rather than the entire year. So the classes cover a lot of material, especially honors classes. Which she specifically said he should have 1 - 2 hours every night in addition to projects that are to be worked on outside of this. That is just biotech. He does have Learning Stratagies class for only one quarter. Here he is suppose to be working with spec. ed teacher on organization, note taking, responsibility. He does have some time in this class for work. However in two weeks that class will be over and he will have gym.
    Come semester he will have credits (fingers crossed) for his current classes and then have all new classes second semester. He will earn 8 credits each year (if all goes well). With the hour system they can only earn 6 credits. All High Schools are on this schedule as they were when easy child was there., homework is homework. They do classwork in class.

    Actually - I joined this board when difficult child was 4, in 1997/98, under a different name. Then left for quite a few years, rejoined as kjs04. then when they upgraded that was wiped out and I had to rejoin again.
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You know, my seventh grade daughter isnt allowed to come home until her homework is done and it works out a lot better that way. There is after school help. Also, my daughter, in her IEP, had a choice of taking Spanish or having an Learning Disability (LD) study hall. We chose the study hall and that has been a Godsend.
    Some difficult child's just can not handle too much work or honors classes and tons of homework. It requires more than intelligence--it requires a certain discipline than many difficult child's just don't have. My daughter is a easy child, but she is Learning Disability (LD) so she needs study halls or has to do her work in school after or before school, where things are structured and where she can get help if she needs it. She is mainstreamed this year and it wouldn't be working out if she didn't have time in school to finish her work. She'd get way too stressed.
    Do you think that maybe he's got too hard a schedule? I don't mean that it's hard as far as intelligence--I mean, do you think that perhaps he is too emotionally immature or disorganized to have all these classes without a study hall and then have to come home and do homework for hours? To me that would be very difficult except for the most disciplined child. I have two nieces who are in all gifted classes, but they thrive on it, come home, and don't even turn on the television until they get all their homework done. But they are very VERY mature for their ages. I think that may be more important than a high IQ.
    Just a thought. I hope things get better with husband. He doesn't sound helpful.
  15. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Study halls are not an option. I wish they were. And yes...I think the homework is overwhelming for him. It is quite a change from middle school.

    I asked the teachers if he could stay after or come in early if needed. I was told
    "we get paid from 7:25 - 2:55" (school is 7:30 - 2:25)

    I was at a meeting they scheduled at 2:30 At 2:55 one of the teachers got up and LEFT. That was the spec. ed teacher.

    They tried to schedule another and I told them if it is only 20 minutes do not waste my time!!!!!!

    The academic part isn't the challenge. It is the physical homework part. He has fought us on that since first grade.

    Hah...he wants to go to E-school (that is an option as a choice school) That's not going to happen. If he can't do his work when someone is telling him to, he certainly isn't going to do e-school. However e-school is 24/7 365.
    He can even take just one class on e-school. We'll always keep that option open. Principal suggests that for the kids who don't want to get up early. My argument is if he takes a class on e-school he will have to get up early anyway to do the class, or stay up late and still do his homework for physical school. So what is the point?
  16. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    Kjs - on the height thing, both my sons were "late bloomers". Especially my younger one. He was always the shortest boy (and often kid) in the class. He really didn't start puberty until age 15. When his brother got married, he grew over an inch from the initial tux fitting to the wedding a month later! While my family is extremely short (I'm the tallest at 5'4") my oldest has finished off at 5'11" and younger is around 5'9" but I think he's still got more to go.
    When did your son get his first tooth? I've often heard that's a good "predictor" of when puberty will hit. Both of mine were toothless until they were 13 months old.

    On the homework front, I wish I had something to offer, but we're still fighting this battle with NL. First quarter was over a week ago Friday - I'm waiting to see the report card because he swears he handed in all his work this time. If he did, it will be the first time in eleven years. Homework just has too many steps - hear it assigned, bring stuff home, do it, get it back in the bookbag, get it back to school, hand it in - to be successful in. Since his father won't allow him to be "labeled" ADD, we've never been able to get accomodations officially in place, although I have worked personally with receptive teachers over the years.
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Kjs, wow, you're off to a rocky start.
    I would say that the request for Lamictal by your difficult child may be a bright point.
    The teacher's response was snotty. Sheesh.

    My husband used to be a bit like yours. For a yr or so, any time difficult child would say something rude, I'd jump up and bring it to husband's attention and make him address the issue. It literally meant jumping up, tapping him on the shoulder, and telling him.
    He said I was too anxious and aggressive, but you know, when you change a behavior, everyone thinks it's too "out there" ? I have toned it down. :)
    But husband caught on, and now, he's the one who jumps up and addresses it b4 I even blink.
    It just takes constant vigilance. You have to train the entire family. Sigh.

    Best of luck with-the bullies. So sorry about your difficult child's height. I would make an appointment with-the pediatrician but it's possible he may say to wait a yr. You won't know until you try.
  18. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I asked the teachers if he could stay after or come in early if needed. I was told
    "we get paid from 7:25 - 2:55" (school is 7:30 - 2:25)

    I would let the principal know that teacher's made this comment. It is unreasonable for any teacher to not make herself available afterschool hours to help a struggling student. That comment sends a dagger through my teacher heart!!! It is not an acceptable answer. If the principal backs the teachers, then it's time to see the superintendent!
  19. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I agree with everywoman...I'd be loaded for bear if a teacher told me that! Heck, when I'm subbing, I've stayed and answered questions! Unbelieveable! You're either there for the kids, or you need to find another career.

    Hope you can get everything worked out, and difficult child gets the homework thing resolved.
  20. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    WHAT?! Can't believe they said sad