Screwed up at work. I am feeling like the biggest failure as a person.

[Californiablonde]

So I got back from lunch and my supervisor told me she needed to talk to me about something. I screwed up, yet again. Third time in the last month. I don't want to get into details. Lets just say it was a major oversight on my part and a parent is very upset. She is complaining to the principal. This is the same lady I screwed up with last month too. Now I'm in trouble. What's worse is that my supervisor told me that I am too "spacey" and "out of it" at work. She says that people have come up to the counter when I've been working at the computer and I've missed them. She also said that people will talk to me and I act like I don't understand them. I have no idea what she is talking about. I speak perfect english and rarely do I have to ask someone to repeat themselves. As far as the "spacing out," I can't help it. When I'm focused on one thing I tend to block out everything else so I can work. It's why I always did so well in school. I used to be very good at concentrating on my school work and I was good at blocking out any noise or talking by other students. Got me straight A's in school but at work I'm a screw up. Add that to the fact that I got a kid who hates me and I can't get to school, feeling lower than low right now. Downright worthless. And someone on this board insinuates I don't deserve custody of my kids. What a self esteem booster. Anyway, thanks for listening.

 

[Californiablonde]

One of the admins on my bipolar support group just sent me a message saying that if I keep posting negative stuff the group is dropping me. All I ever post about is my anxiety (other members helped me out tremendously during some of my worst panic attacks) and I am getting deleted. Other people post about cutting themselves, attempting suicide, and going to mental hospitals. It's okay for them but not me about anxiety. What a completely ****ed up day. I have never felt so low. I have nothing left.

 

[alongfortheride]

I hate days like that. Just remember that tomorrow can only get better. : ) I don't understand about the BiPolar (BP) board telling you that you can't state your feelings. Sounds like you need to find a group that will actually offer support. Hope your evening is quiet and your morning unstressful.

 

[Californiablonde]

I hope tomorrow is better but right now it's not looking so good. Was already depressed now it's even worse. And I always thought the one thing I was good at was my job. Guess not. I am not good at anything, least of all being a parent.

 

[SuZir]

Sorry you are having such a lousy day.

Hugs.

And because Daisy is very right, read rest of this only tomorrow, not today.

Could you explain to your boss that you are currently having very hard time with your child at home and that may have affected negatively to your performance? That you are very sorry about that and are working hard to make situation better at home and to be more attentive at work. That could give you some understanding and time to get back to your feet.

About the bipolar support: Many support boards have rather strict rules about what you can post in acute situations. While it is okay to talk about past suicide attempts or cutting it is often not okay to talk about suicide plans or current suicidal ideation or self-harm or make even wailed threats. It is because that kind of behaviour makes other anxious and feel responsible of this person's situation and that is unhealthy to all. Maybe your board has similar rules about writing during high anxiety and 'making' others 'responsible' of talking you down? Maybe it would be better to call some kind of crisis hotline or something during the anxiety attack and talk with a trained people who wouldn't get too anxious themselves over you? Maybe it would be better to write to your bipolar support group when you are not feeling anxious but when you are calm and talk then about how to manage anxiety attacks and get tips from others and share your experiences to help and support others.

 

[DaisyFace]

Pity! Pity! Pity!

(((Hugs))) (((Hugs))) (((Hugs)))

Sometimes, we all just need a little "Pity Party"!....and you have a TON on your plate right now - it's a wonder you made it to work at all!

Have some ice cream....and snuggle under cozy blanket...and cry if you need to...

There will be plenty of time to be strong tomorrow!

 

[HaoZi]

Some days we all feel like total failures. *HUGS*

 

[bby31288]

I was going to say the same thing Dasiey. When I feel like the world is against me a good cry gets me feeling better. Releases the stress. Then when it's over I start my plan of attack.

 

[DDD]

I'm sending supportive hugs your way. This is surely not a great week for you. on the other hand I did suggest before that you may have ADD that is reducing your focus and you strongly desagreed that was possible. We know you are smart. We know you are not displaying emotions at work. We know that you are doing your best at work and at home. on the other hand we know that you have been reprimanded for forgetting little things and that very very often is ADD. Do ask your Dr. just in case, ok? DDD

 

[BusynMember]

CaliforniaGirl, you could be me, except I have no job at all. I'm beginning to think that employers make stuff up or perceive things wrong and don't give a crapola about our feelings. But if anyone trashed THEM, they'd be firing us. If you're in a Union, at least you have that.

I feel like you...there is nothing left. It's not a good way to feel. Both you and I need to snap out of it (not so easy). If you'd like to talk in real time, PM me your number and maybe we can help one another.

I have a lot of experience with panic disorder

Your ex is scum. I can't imagine anyone suggesting he should get custody of a cat!

 

[Californiablonde]

Thanks for the support, ladies. Doing a little bit better today. I figured out that if I reduce my caffeine intake it helps to lesson my anxiety so that's something good. And about the bipolar support group, well the head admin found out the other admins ganged up on me and sent me that email. She was ****ed. She told the other admins off for it, and then went ahead and told me I can post whatever I wish, negative or otherwise. I'm glad the lady in charge had my back and stood up to the other ones. I really felt unfairly singled out. There's people on there who talk about their desire to cut themselves, one girl actually attempted suicide and we all had to talk her into checking herself into the hospital. Others say they are so depressed they don't want to go on living. Total triggers but they post them anyway and nobody singles them out like they did me. I am glad I still have the group. Most of the people on there are very supportive and they are going through anxiety issues themselves (makes me think there is a strong link between bipolar and anxiety issues) and they backed me up too, stating that I can post about my anxiety all I want to because I have every right. After all, it is a bipolar support group and that's what we are all there for. To help each other through the rough times. So I got that all straightened out. And my new therapist rocks. He seems to really get me. He has all kinds of anti-anxiety techniques he is going to show me. Plus just having someone there to unload on really helps. I haven't had therapy in over a year and I really did miss it. Only bad thing is I can't afford to see him more than twice a month. He really thinks I need to see him weekly but I told him that's just not possible. So that's a downside but at least I have him there part time. And today is my psychiatrist appointment. I am hoping he can do something with this depression. I am thinking something along the lines of a mood stabilizer. We shall see. After psychiatrist is the dreaded meeting with difficult child. I am hoping some good will come out of it and it will be her wake up call. I am really hoping and praying. Thanks again for listening.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Sorry, I forgot to mention the caffeine link... !
What we drink is as important as what we eat... and yes, caffeine, being a stimulant, can work "wonders" (in a bad way) on anxiety...

 

[buddy]

One of the admins on my bipolar support group just sent me a message saying that if I keep posting negative stuff the group is dropping me. All I ever post about is my anxiety (other members helped me out tremendously during some of my worst panic attacks) and I am getting deleted. Other people post about cutting themselves, attempting suicide, and going to mental hospitals. It's okay for them but not me about anxiety. What a completely ****ed up day. I have never felt so low. I have nothing left.

If the administrators are also bipolar then it is likely that they were having a messed up day? It does seem to reflect on them more than you for that kind of a group.

I hope you take this question as intended, just a thought , not a judgement (having been on medications myself in the past).....could it be that your medications do make you a little spacey appearing to the outside world? Does your work know of your mental health status so you can be protected if you need accommodations etc. for your mental health disability? (not saying you should, different work climates react differently and others here would know far better than I if that would be a good idea).

Glad you got some support on your board from the other admin.

 

[greenrene]

I'm glad the support group thing got worked out - that was sounding really off to me! You definitely have a lot on your plate. Hang in there, I know it's hard. Having a teenage drama queen difficult child is definitely NOT for the faint of heart!

 

[Californiablonde]

Buddy, I have wondered about my medications. But here's the thing. I have been taking SSRI's and Geodon for years now. I have been at my job seven years. Never have I had even a single complaint in the entire seven years since I've been here. Not one, until the last couple of months. So I don't think it's my medications. I have a bad short term memory but that's about it. So I don't know what the hell is effecting me so badly. As far as my problems with difficult child, well she's been worse, a lot worse, and it's never effected my job performance. Heck, for the first six months I was at this job, both me and difficult child were unmedicated. Ex just broke it off with me and I found out he was living with evil stepwitch. difficult child was not on an IEP yet, very manic and psychotic, not sleeping, hallucinating, self harming, etc, at home and at school. Plus we were all living in a motel room for six months. So my life has been way worse off than it is now. And it never effected my job. So why now? That's what I'm wondering. What am I doing wrong?

 

[buddy]

Maybe not doing anything wrong, but we change over time. Our bodies and chemistry changes. years of stress add up too. dont blame yourself, just look objectively and use that therapist wisely!

 

[dstc_99]

I'm sorry things are so rough right now. I completely understand where you are coming from right now. I know you are feeling like people here are reprimanding you and that the bipolar board was doing the same. Sometimes when you are under so much stress anything anyone says can be worse than it is. I know which post you are replying to about custody of your children. It was a little harsh but I also think it was intended to shake you up and make you think. Sometimes I need someone to smack me in the head and make me think about things differently. I don't always like it but it generally turns out to be good advice.

Maybe you could keep a log of the work you do during the day and at the end of the day recheck everything. IE: Lets say the error was an accounting one. Write it down, do the work, and at the end of the day double check yourself. Taking a second look at things could keep the errors in check. I honestly think that the errors are the result of your increased depression and all the stress you have been under for years. Something has to give and right now it may just be your mind. LOL I know right now I am really having to double and triple check things to keep myself in balance at work and at home.

 

[Californiablonde]

Thanks but I still feel like the post about custody was un called for and like someone else said here, my ex isn't fit to have custody of a cat. And how right that is. My ex hates animals and shoots them with BB guns if they come in his yard. And he's pretty much useless as a father. So saying he deserves custody, in my humble opinion, was completely off. And bad timing, verrryyyy bad timing. I'll get over it eventually.

 

[InsaneCdn]

CB... try and see the poster's point of view (hard sometimes... i know).
As in, if difficult child is totally messing up when living with you, AND totally messing up your life, could it get any worse?

Well... yes. It could. Especially if you're an awfulizer like me. But... there is a "grain" of truth to the concept. It might not fit the situation, but... it would fit some situations.

Crazy, I think, is on a better track... with her post on the DA thread...

 

[Californiablonde]

Insane I get what you're saying but you gotta remember I'm bipolar and this blunt, in your face, tell it like it is **** doesn't do anything good for My mental health. I do not take it well, especially when I'm in a huge depression and anxiety ridden like I am. Lots of people on the board said similar to what she did but said it a lot nicer. That post absolute