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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 722827" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I'm so sorry newstart. I understand the deep pain you're experiencing. You and I have a similar background in having to deal with quite a number of relatives who are bi-polar whom we've had to detach from because of their toxic behavior.</p><p></p><p>My parents both suffered from mental illness. The cruelty and skewered thinking took many years of therapy to move through to a point where I could truly let go and begin accepting what is. My sister (whom I raised) is bi-polar and threw all of the family to the curb many years ago and has recently resurfaced as she faces death with cancer. My daughter (my only child) is undiagnosed but fits bi-polar or some form of a conduct disorder. My brother is paranoid schizophrenic. My daughter's husband committed suicide 17 years ago and his family, the most toxic family I've ever encountered blamed my daughter, and me by association and made both our lives a living hell. I raised my 21 year old granddaughter who at this point appears to be ok.</p><p></p><p>I too was close to my grandmother, who was the only normal, healthy adult around me. Everyone I was surrounded by as a child lived in their own reality and used fear and cruelty as a form of parenting. Being surrounded by folks whose thinking is skewered, cruel and often without any kind of consciousness as to their responsibility in it wreaks havoc on every level.</p><p></p><p>7 years ago my daughter's life spun even more out of control when she became homeless and went to jail. Her attitude towards me was unrelentingly hostile and nasty. I took it believing that's what mothers do. I had no real role models and I had always enabled her. But, like you, after finding this site I began to see things quite differently. </p><p></p><p>At that point in time, I made a commitment to myself to find peace of mind, regardless of what the circumstances of my life were. I think that commitment was the beginning of my own healing and the beginning of my (new) life in many ways.</p><p></p><p>I believe what finally set me free of the intense pain of it was a codependency course I took at our HMO. It was a two year course lead by therapists. In addition to private therapy I also attended a group there which ended up being parents of mentally ill adult kids or kids who were substance abusers. That is what really made the changes in me, to sit there weekly and see and hear the anguish and the disappointments, the pain and the intense suffering these parents went thru. And, I heard the therapists point out our own skewered thinking, our own false beliefs, our own negative choices. I heard myself more than once say in the group, "I can do that? " As if I were bound by some parent law that states what the rules are which cannot be broken. I was often astonished by my own choices and behaviors, but I kept listening and growing. At the end of that course, I had changed dramatically. The next couple of years were about me enacting those changes with my daughter.</p><p></p><p>For me, this has been a process of letting go. It didn't happen overnight. I believe I had to develop a strong and impenetrable commitment to myself, to stop all of the negative, bad behavior directed at me. I finally came to the conclusion that I did not deserve that behavior and I wasn't going to accept it in ANY form whatsoever. Including manipulations. All of it. </p><p></p><p>At some point last year I realized that simple kindness and compassion was what I yearned for in life, from everyone in my sphere. As my therapist pointed out to me, that was me realizing I deserved kindness and compassion and I was now going to implement that. I think that commitment to myself shifted something deep within me. I went thru my entire support system and told everyone, nicely, that this is my intention, this is my commitment to myself. Opportunities arose to make that commitment to myself a reality. I believe what happened is that I opened my heart. I became vulnerable. It's hard to have an open heart when you are guarding it from an onslaught. A lot changed again after that. </p><p></p><p>Through all of this, my relationship with my daughter kept changing and evolving. It was one step at a time. I let go one step at a time as it felt right to me. I had an enormous amount of professional help, which I believe not only is necessary for most of us, but it hastens the process considerably. I needed others to point out my own faulty thinking and offer me other options. I was so ready to change, I had no opposition to any of it, I was ready to stop feeling the intense pain of something I had absolutely no control over. As Eckhart Tolle so aptly states, "argue with reality and you suffer." Well, I was ready to stop arguing.</p><p></p><p>I hear you when you say many parents of these troubled kids often are like the walking dead, it's the most difficult thing we parents do, to let go of our wayward adult kids. Some of us never get over it. And, yet, moving through this is doable. You CAN get to the other side of the pain and have a life of peace and joy. It doesn't feel like it right now, but if you put the complete focus on yourself and make choices based on <u>your</u> well being and <u>your</u> own love of yourself, with each one of those choices, you will get better and you will cease to simply be surviving and you will begin thriving. </p><p></p><p>I have had to let go of almost every single person in my bio family. As you have with your bi-polar in laws. And then I had to do that with my daughter. She is still couch surfing. She's lost everything of her former life. Our relationship is limited but not negative. She will join us for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. She will join us in certain family functions. All of my boundaries and rules around her behavior have oddly induced in her a love and appreciation of me which did not exist at all when I was enabling her. As I removed myself completely from her sphere of influence and she was on her own, the gratitude she began feeling for me was heart warming. She has adhered completely to my insistence on kindness and compassion towards me.</p><p></p><p>In all of this I maintain that this is an inside job. Our kids will do what they do, but our love of ourselves is what will change our own lives to ones which include peace and joy. I believe in love. And, it has to start here, with us. Not with our kids. We have to love ourselves enough to insist on being loved and cared for, having kindness and compassion, having people we can trust around us to support our highest good. As I made all of that my intention for my own life, everything changed. I had to accept the powerlessness inherent in letting go of what I can't control and that acceptance set me free. It is so not easy. But it is SO doable. And necessary if you want to have a life worth living. </p><p></p><p>I feel for you newstart. I know exactly how you feel. And, you have the strength, the courage and the commitment to move yourself out of this pain and onto the next chapter in your life. You can do this. If I can, anyone can. </p><p></p><p>Today, go do something just for you. And, increase that daily. Focus all your attention right now, on you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 722827, member: 13542"] I'm so sorry newstart. I understand the deep pain you're experiencing. You and I have a similar background in having to deal with quite a number of relatives who are bi-polar whom we've had to detach from because of their toxic behavior. My parents both suffered from mental illness. The cruelty and skewered thinking took many years of therapy to move through to a point where I could truly let go and begin accepting what is. My sister (whom I raised) is bi-polar and threw all of the family to the curb many years ago and has recently resurfaced as she faces death with cancer. My daughter (my only child) is undiagnosed but fits bi-polar or some form of a conduct disorder. My brother is paranoid schizophrenic. My daughter's husband committed suicide 17 years ago and his family, the most toxic family I've ever encountered blamed my daughter, and me by association and made both our lives a living hell. I raised my 21 year old granddaughter who at this point appears to be ok. I too was close to my grandmother, who was the only normal, healthy adult around me. Everyone I was surrounded by as a child lived in their own reality and used fear and cruelty as a form of parenting. Being surrounded by folks whose thinking is skewered, cruel and often without any kind of consciousness as to their responsibility in it wreaks havoc on every level. 7 years ago my daughter's life spun even more out of control when she became homeless and went to jail. Her attitude towards me was unrelentingly hostile and nasty. I took it believing that's what mothers do. I had no real role models and I had always enabled her. But, like you, after finding this site I began to see things quite differently. At that point in time, I made a commitment to myself to find peace of mind, regardless of what the circumstances of my life were. I think that commitment was the beginning of my own healing and the beginning of my (new) life in many ways. I believe what finally set me free of the intense pain of it was a codependency course I took at our HMO. It was a two year course lead by therapists. In addition to private therapy I also attended a group there which ended up being parents of mentally ill adult kids or kids who were substance abusers. That is what really made the changes in me, to sit there weekly and see and hear the anguish and the disappointments, the pain and the intense suffering these parents went thru. And, I heard the therapists point out our own skewered thinking, our own false beliefs, our own negative choices. I heard myself more than once say in the group, "I can do that? " As if I were bound by some parent law that states what the rules are which cannot be broken. I was often astonished by my own choices and behaviors, but I kept listening and growing. At the end of that course, I had changed dramatically. The next couple of years were about me enacting those changes with my daughter. For me, this has been a process of letting go. It didn't happen overnight. I believe I had to develop a strong and impenetrable commitment to myself, to stop all of the negative, bad behavior directed at me. I finally came to the conclusion that I did not deserve that behavior and I wasn't going to accept it in ANY form whatsoever. Including manipulations. All of it. At some point last year I realized that simple kindness and compassion was what I yearned for in life, from everyone in my sphere. As my therapist pointed out to me, that was me realizing I deserved kindness and compassion and I was now going to implement that. I think that commitment to myself shifted something deep within me. I went thru my entire support system and told everyone, nicely, that this is my intention, this is my commitment to myself. Opportunities arose to make that commitment to myself a reality. I believe what happened is that I opened my heart. I became vulnerable. It's hard to have an open heart when you are guarding it from an onslaught. A lot changed again after that. Through all of this, my relationship with my daughter kept changing and evolving. It was one step at a time. I let go one step at a time as it felt right to me. I had an enormous amount of professional help, which I believe not only is necessary for most of us, but it hastens the process considerably. I needed others to point out my own faulty thinking and offer me other options. I was so ready to change, I had no opposition to any of it, I was ready to stop feeling the intense pain of something I had absolutely no control over. As Eckhart Tolle so aptly states, "argue with reality and you suffer." Well, I was ready to stop arguing. I hear you when you say many parents of these troubled kids often are like the walking dead, it's the most difficult thing we parents do, to let go of our wayward adult kids. Some of us never get over it. And, yet, moving through this is doable. You CAN get to the other side of the pain and have a life of peace and joy. It doesn't feel like it right now, but if you put the complete focus on yourself and make choices based on [U]your[/U] well being and [U]your[/U] own love of yourself, with each one of those choices, you will get better and you will cease to simply be surviving and you will begin thriving. I have had to let go of almost every single person in my bio family. As you have with your bi-polar in laws. And then I had to do that with my daughter. She is still couch surfing. She's lost everything of her former life. Our relationship is limited but not negative. She will join us for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. She will join us in certain family functions. All of my boundaries and rules around her behavior have oddly induced in her a love and appreciation of me which did not exist at all when I was enabling her. As I removed myself completely from her sphere of influence and she was on her own, the gratitude she began feeling for me was heart warming. She has adhered completely to my insistence on kindness and compassion towards me. In all of this I maintain that this is an inside job. Our kids will do what they do, but our love of ourselves is what will change our own lives to ones which include peace and joy. I believe in love. And, it has to start here, with us. Not with our kids. We have to love ourselves enough to insist on being loved and cared for, having kindness and compassion, having people we can trust around us to support our highest good. As I made all of that my intention for my own life, everything changed. I had to accept the powerlessness inherent in letting go of what I can't control and that acceptance set me free. It is so not easy. But it is SO doable. And necessary if you want to have a life worth living. I feel for you newstart. I know exactly how you feel. And, you have the strength, the courage and the commitment to move yourself out of this pain and onto the next chapter in your life. You can do this. If I can, anyone can. Today, go do something just for you. And, increase that daily. Focus all your attention right now, on you. [/QUOTE]
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