Second post ~ update on difficult child

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Blondiesbf, Aug 25, 2011.

  1. Blondiesbf

    Blondiesbf New Member

    Since the incident a month ago, I honestly believed things were slowly turning around for Ricky. He drank once, that I know of. Still wasn't agreeing to counseling. But things have been looking up. He was going to move into a management position at BK and he was getting more hours. Working towards paying off his debts. We didn't give him his car back but he acquired on at an auction this past Saturday. Tuesday morning, in the wee hours, Ricky was arrested for DUI. His brother bailed him out. I didn't get to talk to him as this ocurred on my way to work. Needless to say, I was furious. Keep in mind Ricky is 20 and already had his license suspended once for drinking under 20...for six months. I was so furious I was ready to apply tough love. Go to counseling or get out. Hubby had him to the point of leaning towards counseling. Today, during lunch break, I told Ricky I love him but he has to get counseling or leave. He has chosen to leave. Tomorrow by my terms.

    He is throwing away his job and getting out of debt. He is throwing away oh so many opportunities I just can't list them now. He is moving two hours north of us with someone I don't know splitting rent of $375/mo. Sounds like not much of a neighborhood! His auction car needs brakes and something is wrong with the radiator. He has to appear in court next month and most likely will get his license suspended for a year. He will also have to attend alcohol classes. He was hardly getting by here, with us and is moving to a place with-o a job waiting.

    He totally refuses counseling and won't even discuss his reasons. My hubby told him he thinks alcohol causes a bad chemical imbalance and he thinks he needs to be checked. He won't explore that option.

    I'm maintaining a normal exterior but I'm crying and screaming inside. I don't get it. I don't understand. Where did my son go???? I don't expect answers but I don't understand how life got so convoluted as to come to this. I'm worried for his future. I'm worried for his safety. And there is nothing I can do. I can't let him stay because I can't watch the self-destruction. DUI is unacceptable. I'm a fool to think it won't happen again...even if he doesn't have the car. I can't pretend it's alright if only to let him keep working his way out of debt. God, I wish there was another way. But, I can't help someone who refuses help. Who refuses to talk to me.

    This really sucks. And I just needed to let it out.
  2. in a daze

    in a daze Guest

    So sorry. It sounds like you need some support. Have you checked out Alanon or Families Anonymous? Going to the FA meetings helped me. I also read a lot of books on codependency and detachment. I'm much calmer, less sad and weepy.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Counseling is useless unless the client is very motivated so you're better off saving your money.

    I agree with going for help yourself. If he has a drinking problem Al-Anon is a good support system.

  4. Blondiesbf

    Blondiesbf New Member

    I'm working on my next move for me, my husband and other son. Or at least for me. The tears are flowing now and I'm having an "I feel devastated" moment...or two. :-(

    I keep playing in my head all the GOOD ways this could have gone. And trying to hold on to hope that I don't even know is there. Thinking maybe a lightbulb will go on for him and he'll realize he's making a mistake....
  5. Bean

    Bean Member

    Hugs to you, dear.
  6. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    I'm sorry- I know how very hard all of this is. One thing I have become very good at is living with my daughter's state for today- TODAY she is doing well. That's great and I take it for what it is- ONE DAY. I know that tomorrow, next week, next month could be horrible. She could disappear, who knows what. But really it's not unexpected and not so devastating when I just deal with today and don't worry about tomorrow- especially since I can't control it anyway. I hope relative peace comes your way soon. I know we never stop worrying about them completely, but sometimes we can forget for a little while and enjoy life.