Seeing therapist Friday

[AmericanGirl]

difficult child is still in php. He has been doing fairly well.

He normally calls between 3-5. He didn't yesterday. I texted him about something else and no reply. About 9 pm, I checked his cell records. He had called two of his ex-user pals. This is a dealbreaker - the one thing I warned him against the last time we talked to the therapist.

He finally answered at 10:30. Rude. Defiant. Said ex-user (H) wanted to know about rehab and is was his 12 step duty to help him. Said H had 3 days clean and his mom was sending him to a $30K detox in Miami and then to rehab. That H was excited about going and he was merely telling him what it was like. (uh huh)

Then he explained he wants to move from PHP to IOP. The therapist said he has to show up on time for a solid week. He has trouble doing this so he decided to sleep in the afternoon and stay up all night so he would be on time. (uh huh)

We fought. I called therapist who asked me to drive over and meet Friday afternoon.

Talked to difficult child this afternoon. Still defiant. (Although he did admit he agreed not to talk to this guy.) Told me he stayed at his sponsor's house last night because he was so triggered after our call and that he would likely have to do it again tonight. (Not my problem.) However, I do think he is sober plus they tested him today.

Truthfully, I am sick of this. I stayed in bed all day because I couldn't find the strength to do anything else. As soon as I got up, I started crying. I know I am having a pity party but - difficult child has a whole team of people helping him - and doesn't want me anywhere near rehab. Doesn't care if I get their help or not. Said that I would mess up things there.

Here's the part I haven't shared --- about three weeks ago, difficult child confessed to some crimes to me. Without going into detail, the details didn't make sense to me. I asked my therapist about it (who saw difficult child for 4-5 years) and he didn't think it made sense either. difficult child told me he confessed to one of the rehab therapists. So, I asked the family therapist about it. It was news to him. I didn't tell him what I or my therapist thought but he concluded it wasn't a believable story either.

I don't get it. Why would he tell me he did awful things (no one was hurt in the stories he told me but it was bad nevertheless) if he didn't? I know he has been telling people online that he has more arrests than he did plus has been to prison (he hasn't). I'm just don't get it.

Just need to find some balance. Hoping he will hold it together until he is released into the sober house. Tomorrow, I want an agreement that he will find full time employment. I'm tired of paying all these bills alone.

Thanks for listening. I know all of you have your own burdens but - if you will - please say a prayer that I am stop crying and find some peace.

 

[exhausted]

Oh AG, this is so typical. My difficult child also tells people she has been sent to DT. She was only there as a safe holding place until she could get into state Residential Treatment Center (RTC). There is some kind of grandiosity in it. I don't know whether to believe these confessions or not. I have heard some interesting stories as well. My very nonviolent difficult child often talks about how tough she is and how she can fight??? Noone has ever seen her fight (not her best friend either), and yet she still brings it up in therapy.Who knows if he did these crimes or not? Drug addiction brings on narsisitic behavior-gradiosity is part of that. He doesn't want you there because he feels guilty and shameful is my guess-you are a trigger because he has to actually feel this pain when he talks to you. That is his problem to deal with and why he is in treaTMENT. I understand the feeling of not wanting to pay and pay and then get treated like dirt. If you can, try to seperate yourself from his anger-your getting it in your face, but you are not to blame.

We all get a pity party-how are we suppose to do this? The rollercoaster never ends and we are sick with the ups and downs. (((Hugs))) and try to do something for you that brings joy or that will let your heart begin to mend a bit.

 

[recoveringenabler]

AG, it's not a pity party, it's real life and right now for you, real life is real hard. It's okay to be wherever you are, if you are crying, that's where you are and crying releases a slew of reactions in the body which help relieve stress, so it can be good to let it out. My heart goes out to you, this is hard stuff to deal with, you're not alone, you have a whole board here of parents who know how you feel. I am so sorry you are going through this with your difficult child. Why they do what they do has everything to do with the substance abuse and not any kind of real brain function, I think trying to understand is an exercise in futility and crazy making to you. My therapist always says, "you can't make sense out of nonsense." Accept that where you are is painful, I believe in the acceptance of what is, little bits of peace begin to show up. I pray for peace for you. Tender and soft hugs to you and warm wishes to heal your hurting mother's heart.

 

[Nancy]

Your story is like a rewind button on when our difficult child was in treatment. She would make up these stories and tell them in group I guess for pity or attention or because everyone had such down and out stories and she was just a spoiled suburban girl with brand name clothes and her own room and she didn't want them to think she wasn't hard like them...I don't know I'm still trying to figure that out. She did tell me once when we were going to AA meetings together that so many of their stories were so sad and hers was nowhere near as bad as theirs.

I agree with exhausted that you are his trigger and when he sees you he has to face his demons and that makes him angry so he takes it out on you.

I too would worry about contact with his former friends who are users and his explanations sound like stories to me, very much the same as difficult child did with us when she was trying to explain why she kept in contact with users. So many times she said she was tying to help them...ummmm no she wasn't.

Brace yourself AG. While we all hope that moving from php to iop is a good thing, it also brings with it a lot more freedomand chance for relapse. I'm not saying anything you don't know, I just want you to prepare your heart. He has the tools now, he is ready to move, whether he takes advantage of what he learned and put it into practice is now up to him.

I wish we lived near each other I would take you to my parents meeting. It's the only thing that got me to stop crying.

Hugs,
Nancy

 

[Signorina]

I am sorry you are hurting so much AG. And I know your head is telling you things your heart can't bear. I hate that. I will say a prayer and please know that I care. You are doing everything you can and you are a wonderful mother. {{{hugs}}}

 

[AmericanGirl]

You all should open up therapy offices. You don't need no stinkin degrees...you earn them on the job.

Thanks...you have given me much to think over. In fact, I'm printing this and will read before the session to center myself.

P.S. Gonna tell him today when he moves to IOP, he needs a JOB.

 

[Calamity Jane]

What I just don't get is WHERE they get their arrogance that they think they can actually become a SA counselor to people, while every cell in their body still compels them to use. I don't know if he was just telling you that stuff so you would think, "wow, he really has his stuff together...he's actually telling other people about sobriety" or if he's just yanking your chain. My difficult child thinks he's an expert on everything, too - it's absurd.

difficult children should RUN from temptation, not run TOWARD it! They think if they hang around users they can "show" them how strong they are, and how they can be exposed to all this stuff, but have it wash right over them. They have a skewed sense of their power to resist, then they fall, then they feel shame, then they use again, etc., etc.. They think getting rid of their former friends who still use is an abandonment, when it's actually the only chance they have to make it one day at a time without slipping.

 

[AmericanGirl]

It was productive, yet emotionally draining. We have spending limits and contact rules. He is to start looking for work within a week.

Went to see sober living facility. Liked the guy who runs it a lot...he doesn't tolerate b s. things are calm so I am staying the night with him. Will go shop while he goes to two meetings tonight.

I'll share more of what therapist said later cause I think he is really bright but when I am not on the ipad.

Please pray we can keep things calm until I go home tomorrow.

 

[Nancy]

Praying for you AG. I'm glad there is a plan.

Nancy

 

[Signorina]

Glad you have a plan and you seem stronger, sound better. I am pulling for you. Xxoo

 

[pinevalley]

AG: I am praying for you and your difficult child. You are a wonderful mom. Please stay strong & keep posting here on this board. We are here for you. HUGS....

 

[susiestar]

(((((hugs)))))

The stories told about crimes that don't make sense are what my dad calls 'woofin', meaning he is barking to show how tough he is. HE feels weak and thinks he needs that to make sure people don't try to run over him. I bet he told them to you to try to get you to stop pushing him to do something by making you think he is big and bad and might hurt you - after all, look what he did to them??? Or to get sympathy for how "hard' it is to survive if Mommy cuts you off. He has to do "THAT!" when you are supporting him, so what will he 'have' to do if you don't?

they tell the lies in group or AA for several reasons, 1 being to show they are tough, 2 being to 'fit in' and 3 being because they still have not accepted the need to be HONEST if they want to get and stay sober. They don't really want to, so they keep lying. Then they feel bad, so they use to cover up the lies. There are other reasons, many, but those are the biggies.

Making him get a job is exactly the right thing to do. do NOT stay away from services offered to you at the rehab. DO NOT. It is much better for HIS recovery if you are there, partly because they will know his lies and can push him to be honest. They can confront him on his lies and he doesn't wnat this so he is saying that if you go there then he will use and it will be your fault.

IT WILL NEVER BE YOUR FAULT THAT HE USES. Well, unless you hold him down and pour it into him or his vein or whatever with a gun to his head. But that won't happen so ...

Also when the parent and/or family gets help, the addict has a 30% better chance of staying sober. 30% is a LOT. Don't let him run you away from therapy. he thinks you won't enable or be codep on him if you get help and then it will be much harder for him to use. this is a HUGE reason he wants you FAR from the rehab. Don't buy this BS from him.

Kudos for going to the therapist, and I hope you continue to see him.

 

[SuZir]

This why I'm a bit leery when it comes to young addicts and support groups like AA. If they are not especially for the teens it is likely there are people who have been 'very deep.' And to listen those stories can of course scare young addicts (who probably have had a lot less problems due their addictions yet) straight, but it can also make them feel that 'they have not good enough stories to tell' or feel that their addiction is not quite that serious or bad thing because they have not (yet) been in all that trouble. And yeah, at times it feels like stories are told with certain pride or it kind of becomes a competition about 'who has done it worst.' I'm sure that is not at all true to all groups but that is something I did fear with my very immature kid. And also that he would kind of become his addiction. Yes, he is an addict but being an addict should not be his main thing in life for rest of his life.

 

[rejectedmom]

Glad you are doing better and hoping the rest of your stay went well. -RM

 

[buddy]

Saying prayers for you, asking for peace and healing....hugs AG

 

[AmericanGirl]

I'm writing some of the key things I learned from the therapist in the hopes it might help someone else.

1. When I objected to difficult child calling an ex-using pal (even if they were discussing rehab), the way the therapist approached it with him is to say, "You know what it feels like to be triggered?" difficult child says "Yes". Therapist says, "Well you talking to him triggers her." What I got out of that is to learn more about the language of recovery.

2. Therapist explained to me that it wasn't time for me and difficult child to address our relationship. difficult child has to work on himself, and only then can he work on the two of us.

3. I asked why I wasn't asked to come and meet with them to explain to difficult child how his addiction hurt me (which is normal at this facility), therapist looks at difficult child and asked if he was ready for that. difficult child says "Not yet." Then it was explained to me that he wasn't strong enough to handle my anger. He isn't strong enough yet to handle his own anger.

4. We discovered in talking that when difficult child shared with me more details of what he was doing for his recovery, that it lessened my fears. His belief was that I didn't want to hear about it. Noooo, the more details I know, the less I wonder. So, he will now be talking more about it to me.

Finally, I read some of the things difficult child has written while in php. Some were very raw. While painful to read, it does show progress.

One day at a time.

 

[lovemysons]

Another care and prayer from me AG.
Just wanted to add that when my oldest difficult child was in rehab he also said he did something Horrible that he did not do. I burst into tears at the time and even looked for the "crime" online when I got home. Found nothing. He just wanted to have emotional control over me. He has always been really good at manipulation...and retaliation, I honestly think he was just trying to get back at us (and everyone). He was so defiant in rehab that they suggested we give him up to the state.
Sigh, lol...Today he is married with 2 little girls, works extremely hard and is a "hardcore" judgemental conservative, blah, blah blah. How times change.

Hugs,
LMS

 

[buddy]

Very intense and steep learning curve you are on. I pray much comes out of this. I hope he can settle into a place where he can really work on things.