Seeking advice on sorting out marriage - stay or go

Every relationship, whether it's a friendship, a marriage, one between co-workers, etc is a living thing. It's not as simple as "nurture them, they thrive; neglect them, they die" although there is truth in that. Living things are unpredictable so we can't say for certainty what will happen with any relationship. They all have ups and downs; some should be terminated. Certainly in cases of physical abuse a person should go. But sometimes, there are changes in life that change the marriage.

I had doubts about where mine was going for a number of years. husband was never physically abusive, but he's not very emotionally available, either. And yet, to a large degree that was why I picked him: I grew up in a very volatile family and husband's calmness and reserve was incredibly attractive. Sometimes the things that bring you together are the things that drive you apart. At any rate, his fundamental personality wasn't going to change and neither was mine ... and I wasn't happy. But then there was a confluence of events and we "found" each other again and we've been doing rather well for a couple of years now. I could never have predicted it.

I would like to recommend two books. They aren't recent, but should be available somewhere. One is "Intimate Worlds: How Families Thrive and How They Fail" by Maggie Scarf. It's an easy read that investigates why people choose the people they do and how families function. I found it enlightening since I knew very well what was a bad family situation but not really much about the mechanics of a good one.

The other book is "Second Chances: Men, Women, and Children a Decade after Divorce" by Judith Wallerstein. husband's parents divorced when he was young and he never got over it. When I was growing up, I used to wish my parents would divorce but after reading this book, I wondered if perhaps it was better that they hadn't. As I remember, one of the points was how much of a financial penalty women and children ending up paying. The book was not a treatise against divorce at all -- some people were clearly better off. The book is valuable in that you can see some statistics and perhaps understand some of the consequences more clearly. [Personally, I'm disturbed by how often a woman's new partner abuses the woman's children by a previous partner ... and too often women get into another relationship too quickly. But that's another story and not related to the book at all.]

So there are a few thoughts for you. I hope you check out the books and see if they help clarify any issues for you. Good luck and best wishes.
 

TPaul

Idecor8
I had this really great post written yesterday and almost finished when suddenly I bumped something and the whole thing disappeared, :( I will try again.

I can understand where you are coming from. Many of us that have a spouse or child with a condition that can put stress on a relationship and or family. Many times the normal wear and tear of raising our children, meeting financial obligations and keeping a home running are challenging enough. Add in an addition challenge and the load can lead to collapse of some portion of that family unit.

Having a spouse with bipolar was not what I saw in my cards. Knowing there was something wrong with her for years before being diagnosed, put such a strain on our relationship. We have been married for 14 years. I have constantly been the one to keep and hold our family together. I have not been a perfect husband by any means. My own physical problems have been many. My wife did stay with me and helped take care of me when I could not hardly take care of myself. There were months that I could not even hardly get out of bed. When I was either in a wheelchair, had to use a walker, etc. she helped me, although she many times made the statements when she became overloaded that she wished that I was a normal healthy husband and could make more money for our family.( I had us survive on my small disability income so that she could be here with the kids and help take care of me. We are talking on less than 800.00 for a family of five, a miracle of budgeting indeed) That bit deep many, many times. Fast forward to now. I am better than I have been for years. With a good combo of pain medications, muscle relaxers, anti inflammatory drugs I am able to do a great deal now. So well that I am very very busy. Now she makes statements like, I wish you where back like you used to be and then you would be home more. I am more like a normal husband working hard to make more for his family, and she is not satisfied with
that, :(.

I do care for my wife as a person and want her to be able to manage and live with the BiPolar (BP). I have to struggle to make sure she takes her medications every day. If I do not get them out and give them to her she does not take them. I struggle to get her to go and see her doctor to get refills every time. I know that without me she would not manage her disease. I had hoped with our oldest son, who is 11 being diagnosed with BiPolar (BP) would make her want to do better. It has not.

We as parents have as our number one priority to raise our children in a manner that will be healthy and allow them to grow into resposible adults. If that means that we make sacrifices of ourselves and even our own happiness, then that is a sacrifices that we must be willing to take. It has been proven that children do better in a two parent home. If there is not violence then we as parents need to try and keep the family unit together until our children are old enough to leave the nest.

That is why I still work hard to keep our family together. I know that there is a good chance that if my wife and I where not together that she has a good chance of having custody of the children. Fathers have to struggle to get custody of their children in todays court system. Not right at all, but still a fact of life for many fathers. With me not there, she would not manage her BiPolar (BP) at all. That would be hell for our children. They are my life and light, all five of them, and I can not allow that to happen to them.

I know that there might be someone else out there that would make me happier and meet more of my emotional needs. I have to for now, sacrifice that possibility for my children. Any sacrifice for them is worth more that anything in this world, even my own happiness. When they have reached 18, down to the youngest, who now is 6, then I can decide if I want to find someone else. Until then I do the best I can. I care for thier mother, the best I can. I did make a vow through sickness and in health. She stayed by me when my physical condition was at its worst, I owe it to her to do the same.

Tpaul
 

DDD

Well-Known Member
The choice and the consequences are individual. I wish you luck. Many of us opted in one direction and in retrospect wish we had opted for another. Some "know" right away that the choice made was best...or worst.
For me........that was the first completely adult decision I made alone.
Being an adult is NOT all it's cracked up to be, lol. Good luck. DDD
 
M

ML

Guest
I regret having left manster's dad. The marriage was over, but I wish I had done what SRL had, learned to adjust and make it work for the sake of manster. The break up was very hard on him. He dealt with a divorce and the death of his grandpa when he was 3. Too much for a kid. Now I'm in a second marriage that I should have left but didn't because I won't put my child through that again. Luckily husband is now over a year sober and there is hope. I wish you the best in your search for happiness.
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
WNC, I understand wanting to fill the void. I also wonder how old the younger kids are, and the impact on them. I hate to encourage you to stay in the marriage and have more affairs, but unless your husband is violent, sometimes it is best to stay for the kids. Does he do any parenting? What would change for the kids if you divorced?
Your difficult child can be on his own in 2 yrs. Will the marriage change then?
What is your husband's relationship with-the normal kids like?

It sounds like you've made up your mind at this point, although divorces can take a long time. Which one of you will move out? Where will the kids stay? (by the way, that book sounds interesting.)

Someone very close to me had paperwork drawn up for divorce 2 yrs ago. She changed her mind and it sat there. She changed her mind again this yr and had it delivered. She changed her mind again and decided to stay for the sake of her 16-yr-old son. Only 2 more yrs, she reasons. Plus, the paperwork is already done. (Like your husband, hers was more interested in the financial issues, which made her even angrier.)
In the meantime, she has redone the kitchen and made the house ready to sell when the market is right.
You've got to think about finances, too.
Take it slowly and make a good plan.
Have you told your husband or kids yet?

Best of luck. I understand your hurt. It is so very, very hard. {{hugs}}
 
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