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Substance Abuse
Seek's Journey: Some Experiences, Insights, Lessons, Tools, Other :)
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<blockquote data-quote="seek" data-source="post: 716951" data-attributes="member: 22002"><p><strong>One thing I noticed is during the entire process, I was mostly calm (except for the times when he was acting out - when we were in the car and a couple of times when he was detoxing and said he was leaving).</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>That is major progress for me.</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>I was worried this morning about various things, but now feel I am regaining my equilibrium.</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>This is very hard work for me - retraining myself not to be in fear 24/7, not to be controlling or reactive. </strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>The lessons in all of this for me: I know my growth has been enormous through this entire process. I would have never wished this on myself or anyone else, and if anyone had told me I would go through hell for years and years - I would have found it so unbearable.</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>Looking back - there were so many stages of anger, grief, sadness, resistance, etc. - then acceptance of some things.</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>I still cannot believe that people CHOOSE to live in such chaos - this is where I assume it's all an elaborate spiritual hat trick that was engineered by me and whomever is on the other end for the purpose of some lesson that needs to be learned.</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>Just last month, I would have said that the only lessons I have learned have been negative ones (not to trust people, not to believe in positive outcomes, etc.), but now I see that the experiences have been so nuanced.</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>They are not just black and white "bad" experiences - they are infused with love and growth - I believe on both sides.</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>There have been many synchronicities - during detox the TV was on a lot. I had a boundary "nothing negative" (he likes 48 Hours and other murder mysteries and I don't want that negative energy in my home) - I discovered the network Gaia - which I had never heard of before - and Depak Chopra had a program on that we both watched, which was simply phenomenal. My grandson can be very negative, yet he said he really enjoyed it - so who knows - maybe some seeds were planted. It was definitely good stuff for me to hear.</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>We also watched "What Would You Do," which has many moral lessons about the "right" thing to do. I try not to be judgmental - had never really been preachy with him, but this time I told him what my morals are on drinking/drugging - and that I think it is "evil" and invites in lower energies. I am not under the illusion that this is going to "fix" him - but it makes me feel better about myself not to withhold what my true feelings are on the matter.</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>I feel better about myself. </strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>At one point he looked at me and said: "You are a beautiful person, inside and out." That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me in my life and it was not anything I had ever been angling for, but felt like such a true, Divinely inspired gift. (He had been mean to me for years and years so it was even nicer since I have been scapegoated by my family). It didn't feel like it was my ego that liked it (although I am sure there was some of that) - just felt like a loving sentiment.</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>My dog also bonded with my grandson and vice-versa - my grandson told me he now "loves" my dog (never did before and I have had the dog for nine years and he helped me get him!) . . . so I feel our hearts were opened somehow - that there was "goodwill" (which is one of my core values that everyone in my family has rejected).</strong></p><p><strong></strong></p><p><strong>I feel like this is SOMETHING . . . not sure what.</strong></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="seek, post: 716951, member: 22002"] [B]One thing I noticed is during the entire process, I was mostly calm (except for the times when he was acting out - when we were in the car and a couple of times when he was detoxing and said he was leaving). That is major progress for me. I was worried this morning about various things, but now feel I am regaining my equilibrium. This is very hard work for me - retraining myself not to be in fear 24/7, not to be controlling or reactive. The lessons in all of this for me: I know my growth has been enormous through this entire process. I would have never wished this on myself or anyone else, and if anyone had told me I would go through hell for years and years - I would have found it so unbearable. Looking back - there were so many stages of anger, grief, sadness, resistance, etc. - then acceptance of some things. I still cannot believe that people CHOOSE to live in such chaos - this is where I assume it's all an elaborate spiritual hat trick that was engineered by me and whomever is on the other end for the purpose of some lesson that needs to be learned. Just last month, I would have said that the only lessons I have learned have been negative ones (not to trust people, not to believe in positive outcomes, etc.), but now I see that the experiences have been so nuanced. They are not just black and white "bad" experiences - they are infused with love and growth - I believe on both sides. There have been many synchronicities - during detox the TV was on a lot. I had a boundary "nothing negative" (he likes 48 Hours and other murder mysteries and I don't want that negative energy in my home) - I discovered the network Gaia - which I had never heard of before - and Depak Chopra had a program on that we both watched, which was simply phenomenal. My grandson can be very negative, yet he said he really enjoyed it - so who knows - maybe some seeds were planted. It was definitely good stuff for me to hear. We also watched "What Would You Do," which has many moral lessons about the "right" thing to do. I try not to be judgmental - had never really been preachy with him, but this time I told him what my morals are on drinking/drugging - and that I think it is "evil" and invites in lower energies. I am not under the illusion that this is going to "fix" him - but it makes me feel better about myself not to withhold what my true feelings are on the matter. I feel better about myself. At one point he looked at me and said: "You are a beautiful person, inside and out." That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me in my life and it was not anything I had ever been angling for, but felt like such a true, Divinely inspired gift. (He had been mean to me for years and years so it was even nicer since I have been scapegoated by my family). It didn't feel like it was my ego that liked it (although I am sure there was some of that) - just felt like a loving sentiment. My dog also bonded with my grandson and vice-versa - my grandson told me he now "loves" my dog (never did before and I have had the dog for nine years and he helped me get him!) . . . so I feel our hearts were opened somehow - that there was "goodwill" (which is one of my core values that everyone in my family has rejected). I feel like this is SOMETHING . . . not sure what.[/B] [/QUOTE]
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