Short version. 93 year old dad, who had been independent most of those years, fell down and broke his hip. He needed surgery. My brother texted me that he did not have surgery. His vitals are too low. So its medication and...palliative care for my father who loves to live alone, drive himself and dance. I hope he is not too alert, but I am told he is able to follow commands. I hope he doesn't realize his situation. I owned no dresses. This morning i shopped for funeral attire because who knows how long he has? I am ready to go to Chicago at any time if things turn grave suddenly. If not, hubby and I are going in next weekend. Right now I wish I lived closer. I am of the strong belief that our consciousness survives death. I believe my dad will dance all he wants in a beautiful ballroom with his crossed over girlfriend in the next world. Happy! No pain or restriction! But he is here now. He is brave but I bet he is scared. His passing, whenever he leaves, will be the end of my family of origin for me. I would stay in touch with bro as he is a great person, but i have reached out to him and received no response. That is his right. He would have to reach out to me next. I wont grovel. I have acquired self respect. But I do love my brother. In my sorrow I have moments of wishing I could share this with Sis, but in the end that would not work. We are not meant to be together in this lifetime. We will see each other for the last time at the funeral. Myself and some of my chosen family will come and go quickly. Funerals are for the living. No need to linger afterward. I don't know most of that side of the family. I am very sad and reflective today. I work tonight, a good thing. Thank God for my understanding husband and kids. I just wish Dad did not have to suffer. Why cant everyone go peacefully in sleep? Everyone loses his/her parents. I did not feel this way with Mother as I had grieved for our non relationship years before she passed. The only loved one I grieved for like this was my beloved grandmother. This is the first parent I had a relationship with that I am losing. I am such a baby. I remember I bawled when my exes grandmother died. His Scandinavian family was stoic at the funeral, but I couldn't stop bawling. My ex leaned over a few times to whisper "Stop!" But I couldn't. I am so much older now. I think I can control myself this time. Although he could be abusive, I will miss him a lot. I know that sounds kooky. But he loves me. And that matters. I so appreciate that love. I love him too.