Send Wee? Or keep him?

[Shari]

ExMIL just called. They are having their family Christmas tonight.

Now, for all the years prior to DEX's whack job girlfriend, we all went tothe family Christmas and we all (DEX included) had a good time. When Whack Job came into the picture, she wanted me out. So DEX told his family "her (meaning me) or us (meaning he and his girlfriend)" and his mom replied that girlfriend doesn't call the shots. So, eventually, DEX started saying HE didn't want me at the family gatherings. Last Christmas, exMIL just told him tough cookies, she's coming. When difficult child 1 was home, he didn't want to go to DEX's house, so he invited DEX here. DEX came and they had a good visit. Whack job didnt come, but DEX did and enjyed it. So i know its not dex's problem.

So back to tonight. DEX doesn't want us there. So exMIL asked if Wee could come. And I'm not sure what to do. I dont want to not let Wee go and keep him from them. I also know that DEX and Whack Job girlfriend are behind this, and they have NOTHING positive (and mostly nothing, other than Whack Job attempted to establish herself as Wee's "new mom" and his "new family") to do with Wee the rest of the time....so why should we change what has worked for so long to accommodate them? And if I do, it will never change...

So...should I let Wee go, or keep him home? (PS - we do have dinner plans tonight already with friends...plus, Wee sees DEX's family all the time...we are all very close...so its not like he'd be missing his only chance to see them...)

 

[gcvmom]

You already have plans and they dropped this on you last minute, so I would vote for politely declining.

 

[AnnieO]

I second that vote...

 

[KTMom91]

Yep. You already have plans. Tough tofu.

 

[susiestar]

Do NOT send him. NOTHING good can come out of it. Wee has enough problems with-o whackie and dex playing mind games. Whackie will use this as an opportunity to try to impress upon Wee that he is to call her "mom" and that he owes it to her to give her all sorts of loyalty and koi. Let them know that family gatherings with Wee will include you AND appropriate notice or will not happen. Period.

Does dex pay his child support? Regularly and on time? If he is not willing to take that responsibility then he has NO rights to spend any time with Wee. IF he does pay, is he involved in Wee's school and other problems in a supportive way? Or does he ignore them? Make them worse? No WAY in this world or the next one would he EVER get to spend time with MY child as long as he was not doing all that he can to help raise Wee to be a successful, productive member of society. Having his mommy pay his support (if she does) would NOT be enough to get unchaperoned access to Wee. Just in my opinion - that is if someone else pays his child support.

Anyway, can ANYTHING good come from Wee spending time at dex and whackie's mercy? Regardless of anything else, he has literally no relationship with Wee and Wee is NOT a puppy that can be taken care of by just anyone. Wee is a sensitive, caring young man who needs all the love and support and good things possible - NONE of which dex has ever had ANY interest in supplying.

IF you let Wee go, you are setting a precedent where Whackie and Dex can have unsupervised visits with Wee. They can argue in court that you had no problem with this visit so you shouldn't have problems with anything else they want to take Wee to do. I would NOT be surprised if this isn't in whackie's plans for Wee.

I am so sorry that Wee has to have these issues swirling around him, and that he has to have ANY interaction with whackie.

 

[Bunny]

I agree with the others. I would not let him go, either. You need to think about what is in Wee's best interest and it sounds like unsupervied time with DEX and the Whack Job girlfriend can only lead to an unpleasant visit for your son.

Pam

 

[DaisyFace]

"Oh, so sorry!" you say "We already have plans."

"But we have Xmas gifts for Wee!" they bribe.

"O how nice!" you say "Drop by after your dinner and he can open them here..."

"Oh...uh....errrr...."

Problem solved.

 

[HaoZi]

In the words of Simon Green, "Start now as you intend to continue." Which I would think is a no, you already made plans, so sorry.

 

[Shari]

Setting the precedent is my biggest concern. ExMIL will be there to watch and keep Whack Job in line, but if she gets Wee without me, there's no hope of going back to the way things were before, and while yes, I want things like they were for my own selfish reasons, but what's right for Wee is more important, but I also think a) its much better for Wee if his "family" remains the same all the time (mom and dad (he's called husband dad since we got married - his own choice, the ex-in-laws are ok with it...in their opoinion, husband is dad)), and b) if Whack Job tackles this hurdle, I worry about what she'll set her sights on next.
DEX has never paid a dime of support. Early on, he would take Wee on rare occassions. The last time he took Wee? Mother's Day 2003. ExMIL had him watch Wee a couple times later in 2003, but both times (he lived in a bedroom at the local volunteer firehouse), he was in his bedroom on his computer while Wee dumped literally every drawer and cabinet in the firehouse kitchen (including the knives). She never let him watch Wee again, and swears she will back me if he ever requests to take Wee alone (at this point, the answer will be no unless he spends some serious time getting to know Wee at her house - Wee is there all the time). In fact, DEX only sees Wee when he happens to swing by and Wee is there and on one of those trips, he told Wee he'd take him to the races. she jumped DEX up one side and down the other that he will NOT make those statements again because he has no business with Wee.
DEX has never support for either of the boys. He doesn't pay medication bills or anything else. He is not involved in school, and this has been all his choice. He has made no effort to do more or express more interest in Wee, so exMIL and i agree that status quo will be maintained. The only time DEX asks exMIL about Wee is Christmas, when I'm sure its prompted by Whack Job, because Wee never even got a gift from DEX prior to Whack Job. Half the time, DEX didn't even show up, but when he did, everyone had a good time.
The other thing...DEX's brothers are both professional firefighters. One has been called to duty tomorrow, so the family Christmas plans have changed. If it weren't a question of sending Wee without us, we would most likely arrange our plans to attend Christmas with them...they don't normally spring things last minute like this. I just dont like the precedent it sets, because I know who's behind it.
(and I knkow i sound like a hippocrite, because I preach how parents need to get along for their kids! my ex lives less than 2 miles from me and wee didn't know who the man was til he was 5. ex only called to get Wee when he had a new girlfriend with kids, and that was only 3 or 4 times. when whack job came on the scene, she demanded dex's rights. she even put on facebook pics of her "new" kids (wee and difficult child 1). She fought with difficult child 1's wife about her right to come see their grandson when the baby was born, SHE, alone, would visit Wee at exMILs to "establish her relationship with her future son", and told him all about his "new" family, and how DEX was such a great dad that used to play with him aand bring him toys - even tho DEX wasn't working but still didnt come visiting with her)....she came into this picture kicking and screaming. And this is at least girlfriend 16 since we got divorced. And DEX is invited to everything of Wee's. Always has been. He just never came.

 

[Shari]

but all that said, something still just bugs me about letting Wee go without us...

 

[HaoZi]

but all that said, something still just bugs me about letting Wee go without us...

Mommy Instinct. Listen to it.

 

[JJJ]

You follow the court order. IIRC, DEX doesn't have court ordered visitation with Wee, right? Therefore, I wouldn't send Wee. Whackjob can do so much damage if she gets Wee alone for even 5 minutes (unless XMIL takes Wee into the bathroom with her, those 5 minutes will be possible).

 

[JJJ]

Mommy Instinct. Listen to it.

Yep.

 

[Shari]

Actually, he does have visitation rights because I haven't had the time, energy, and money to change it yet, tho I've met with a lawyer to do it. However, he has NEVER exercised is visitation. EVER. Even when he DID take Wee those few times? He had him a few hours...not his scheduled time.
I hope school stays calm so I can get the court order modified. To be status quo. Which is he doesn't have visitation.
I'm not sending him.
Turns out DEX has to work tonight so Whack Job may or may not be there, but I have just decided we're going out to supper as planned and be done with it. We'll see them all later this week to exchange gifts.
Thank you all.

 

[HaoZi]

Will husband file to adopt Wee so DEX's rights get terminated? It's not like you'd be losing support by doing it.

 

[Shari]

husband would, but DEX won't let him. He don't "give his kids away". lol

He also told me when we divorced if another man ever disciplined his kid, he'd kill him.

Then again, this is the man who left difficult child 1 with me when he walked out. difficult child 1 was HIS son with his first wife - my step-son! Granted, I'd have fought tooth and nail to keep him, but as it turns out, I didn't have to do anything. They both left him with me. (bio mom lives about 20 miles away.)

 

[DammitJanet]

I was gonna point that fact out Shari. I actually remember that.

 

[Shari]

Some of the newer members probably dont know that little tidbit...which I think speaks volumes about the kind of father this man is.

In fact...when we were early in the divorce, difficult child 1 was riding bulls in the rodeo. VERY EARLY on, as in, late 02, early 03, he'd go to some of the rodeos.

At one, he took then 15 year old easy child 1 and his 13 year old girlfriend. He bought them Jim Beam on the way, and they ALL showed up wasted (DEX, who was driving, included). Another local family let the kids ride home in the tack room of their trailer to get everyone home safely...which wasn't safe, but safer than drunk DEX, who got kicked out of that rodeo. That was the beginning of the end, really.

Later, at another rodeo, he wanted to go, and I offered to let him ride with us. By this time, difficult child 1 was riding bulls and we had another girl that we hauled with us who ran barrels. So it was me, DEX, difficult child 1, easy child 1, easy child 1's girlfriend, and Wee, and the barrel racer in my extended cab truck pulling a horse trailer with her horse. I paid gas, entry fees, etc. He paid nothing. (obviously barrel racer's folks kicked in for her...I wasn't paying for her too) This rodeo was in Arkansas - 4 hours from home. There was a $5 admission for each person not riding. I gave them a $20 and he said he'd pay me back. We were tight on mony, so the kids and i always packed a cooler with soda and lunch meat and a camp stove to make hot dogs and mac and cheese. He drank our soda and ate our hot dogs, so I had to feed the kids from the concession stand. But that wasn't the final straw.

On the way home, we stopped for breakfast at a truckstop. We often did and the kids knew to eat cheap. he told them he was buying for them, to get what they wanted.So they splurged a bit. When we were ready to leave, he paid first. When I got baby Wee packed up and got to the register to pay for mine, HE HAD ONLY PAID FOR HIS!!!! It took all the money I had left to pay our bill and I had to use difficult child 1's winning money to get thru that week..

AND THEN....I drove all 4 hours home. He slept. Its not like I didn't try....that was when I quit.

 

[Shari]

And just telling that story....its just a sample...I bent over backwards for that man...yeah...I dont owe him or his whack job girlfriend ****. husband and I, along with DEX's parents and 2 brothers, are Wee's family. DEX is nothing more than a distant cousin Earl, and that's the way it will stay....(until of course dex makes some serious changes....which we all doubt will ever happen)

 

[gcvmom]

Leopard don't change his spots...