sensitive question about miscarriages

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by crazymama30, Dec 10, 2011.

  1. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    So easy child left her diary in the living room. Since her cutting incident I have been reading it every so often. As far as I know, she does not know about me doing this.

    She states she had a miscarriage. That her boyfriend was checking on her to make sure she was ok and not needing to go to the hospital.

    Can you have a miscarriage and have no one know if it is early enough in the pregnancy? It would have had to happen a while back as she got the implanon about 3 weeks ago.

    Is she just testing me by leaving her diary in the living room to see if I have been reading it?
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I had 2 in which I never bothered to go get checked, they were both fairly early and I had no complications. And trust me, no one had a clue I was pregnant.

    Many miscarriages are missed even by the mother because they happen so early. Mom thinks, oh my period was just late afterall. When most likely it was an early miscarriage. With preg test dectecting pregnancy earlier and earlier.........well, if she tested positive early, then yeah she'd know.

    If this is scattered I'm still working on my first cup of coffee. lol
  3. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I'm so very sorry if this is what is happening to your easy child.
    It could be a test as she left a personal diary in a open space. It doesn't mean however that it isn't also true, as she could perhaps have wanted you to know but been afraid to come to you about it? It's a hard call. I personally would need to weigh how violated or resentful she might be about the snooping into it. However there is also the cutting which led to you reading it as a means to see how she is coping and many people would understand that a parent has hard choices to make when keeping kids safe.
    As for miscarriages, I miscarried in the past in early pregnancy and it was basically for me a heavy period. I did see the doctor right away and was sent home to cope through it as there was nothing that could be done. I was however booked for a d&c to ensure my body was properly cleaned out to avoid potential complications of retained tissue. If your easy child is miscarrying she really needs to see the doctor in case a d&c is in order. It would be even more heart breaking of she had fertility issues later in life from avoiding a doctor.
    Wish I had some wisdom but I think it's so individual among families how it work out. I personally think I'd tell her very sincerely that you did not mean or want to Hirt her or disrespect her right to privacy yet your mom fears for her well being post cutting led you to read it when it was left out and you are concerned at this possibility that har is miscarrying. I'd be cautious to have no judgement, respect her upset at you reading it etc. I think I would also talk to her about the positive benefits of journaling when struggling and perhaps set some boundaries you and she will respect. That you will look under xyz circumstances but never outside those. Or that she can leave it somewhere for you if she's trying to share, perhaps with a post it inside to mark the entry she wants you to read and that you won't read the others except if fears for her safety crop up.
    Even if she's very upset about you reading it she needs to hear that as a parent you will put her well being first and miscarrying has physical and emotional ramifications that as a mother you plan to help her deal with.
    I don't know her but my guy says leaving it out is her way for you to snoop and find what she was unable to come say out loud to you. Kids don't leave personal stuff like that laying about in shared spaces generally.
    I'll be sending healing vibes as this can't be easy if it's what happening with her.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I had a couple of very early "spontaneous abortions" (MD told me they weren't called least in the 60's. No problem and no D&C required.

    Has she had a Gyn examination ever? That's the first thing that came into my mind. Sorry but I'm anti pregnancy!
    I told all my girls that they "had to" have Gyn exams and that "their" Doctor would be able to help them with any issues that came up of a personal nature. She does need to know about diseases and birth control asap. It might be the right thing to do fessing up about the diary but frankly I don't think I would. I'd just wait a week and then say "it's time for you to have a Gyn appointment...would you like to see my Dr. or would you prefer having your own?" DDD
  5. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    DDD, we have had several discussions about STD's and she got the implanon birth control about 3 weeks ago. She is terrified of a pelvic, and I don't want to push it right now as she has been sick so much she has had multiple blood draws (and no, not the pregnancy type sick) and may have to have her tonsils out.
  6. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    If she's on birth control and you suspect she's sexually active, it's TIME for a pelvic. Take her to your doctor if you like that office and just tell her she needs to have her first one with someone who knows what they're doing so that in the future she'll know if she ever has one that's inadequate.

    To echo what others have said about early miscarriage -- it's VERY common and easy to miss. I suspect I had one just prior to difficult child 1 -- we were trying and I was a few days late, then BAM the WORST period of my LIFE. Never did go to the doctor and obviously it did not affect future outcomes.

    And she may be leaving that diary out because she WANTS you to know but is afraid to tackle the subject head-on. Maybe now is the time for a very frank conversation and setting that appointment together and telling her how much love and care for her which is why you're insisting, etc.
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Woah! This "implanted birth control" isn't an IUD is it? If it is and she's having heavy bleeding enough to make her believe miscarriage......then she needs to get to an ER and to hades with whether or not she knows you're reading her diary. An IUD can perforate the uterine wall and that is soooooooo NOT a good thing. But concieving with an IUD is virtually impossible as the device prevents the embryo from implanting.

    Now if you're talking about the type they implant under the skin.......well, abnormal bleeding is rather common for some females. If it continues she needs to go back to the doctor.

    Now Me? Once I knew my girls were sexually active they were drug (neither wanted to go) to the doctor for a full pelvic exam including a lengthy discussion on std's and birth control options (discussion arranged by me when I made the appointment). When they said they'd die of embarrassment I told them too tough, I find that hard to believe if you're not too embarrassed to have sex. If they were going to act "grown up" then they were really going to be grown up about it and be responsible.
  8. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I had many early miscarriages and if it wasn't for the positive drugstore pregnancy tests, I would have thought them late and heavy periods. We tried unsuccessfully for baby #4 for years. My last early mc was at 6 weeks and that was enough for me. The dr did confirm trace hcg levels but I never needed a d&c
  9. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Yes, certainly is possible that she could have had a miscarriage and no one knew -- or it could be that her period was just really late, she thought she was pregnant, told her boyfriend she was, and then her period came and she thought she miscarried.

    I am glad she is now on birth control. I am surprised they gave it to her without a pelvic exam?

    As for the diary...yes I think she wants to talk to you about and doesn't know how. At that age I would have NEVER left my diary anywhere, in fact I stopped keeping one because I was too worried my Mom would find it. OTH you can't just say, of honey, I was reading your diary - AND.... I think you will have to casually drop things to her as informational. Like if you see an ad on tv about teen age pregnancy, maybe voice your thoughts on it and how if it ever happened to her you hope she would feel comfortable enough to come talk to you about it. Or watch the news and bring up the controversy that is going on with the morning after pill, and see where the conversation leads. I think just being available, and letting her know you are open to talk is the most you can do.

    The other day, taking Matt home, and somehow we got into this really long conversation about sex, birth control, and responsibilities. It started because I was talking about a guy friend I have, and what "trouble" he had gotten himself in. After an hour, Matt and I were still discussing this topic. His views were SO appalling I almost drove off the road (If I got a girl pregnant, I would just ditch 'em). I tried not to be judgmental (it was hard) - but I looked at him and said - "why so a kid can grow up like you without a dad? You KNOW how much that hurt you and affected your life." His eyes got as big as saucers. I swear, he had never thought beyond himself on this topic - and I was SO glad that somehow this forum had opened up for us to be real. And I can only hope I gave him some serious food for thought

    Anyway, I will stop rambling - hugs. And I hope she feels better from her other stuff soon.
  10. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    An other one here who has had multiple "spontaneous abortions". I wouldn't have known I was pregnant, had it not been for the home tests. No bad sequellae, just a period.
    I would hesitate to tell her that you read her diary. In my house all Hell would break loose.
  11. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Her birth control is the type that is implanted under the skin of the upper arm hound, not and IUD. That would scare me then too.

    As for reading the diary? I am going to ponder on that for awhile and see what comes of it. Usually something comes to me.

    I also plan to keep her therapist appointment for her Wednesday, as she cannot go as she is doing shop with a cop this year. I will bring it up to therapist. However, I do have to ask easy child if it is ok if I talk to therapist without her there.
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yes, I agree that it is possible and common.
    Also, if she is on antibiotics, they can make the implant (or oral bc) ineffective. doctors forget to tell people that.
    I am so sorry she is going through this.
    I'm glad you're giving it some time and thought. Best of luck on Wed.
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It is very very possible to miscarry with-o anyone knowing. We knew about mine because we had had so many problems and I had morning sickness from almost literally the 3rd or 4th day after I got pregnant. I have known quite a few women who miscarried and even had their own family not believe that it really happened.

    Your daughter is only 15, if the sig is correct. Even if she just suspects she has miscarried, she NEEDS to see a doctor. Implanon is the birth control that goes under your skin and it can cause the irregular bleeding, but at her age it NEEDS to be checked.

    As it seems she is sexually active, PLEASE take her to the ob/gyn for an exam and open discussion. Even though she just got the implant, and I pray that the doctor discussed things like this then, it is VERY possible to get preg the first month on ANY form of the pill, oral or implanted, and it is VERY possible for the fetus to survive even if you are on the pill. I have two who did - I took it for 4 MONTHS after I conceived Wiz because I did not know I was pregnant.

    It could be that she left the diary out because she didn't know how to tell you. She has to be scared - even just thinking you are preg at her age is scary, and then losing the baby is traumatic even if you didn't want to be preg. As the very wise and wonderful doctor who treated me during my miscarriage said, "Pregnant women don't miscarry embryos, their children die. The fact that the child was not ever alive outside their body doesn't change that, not one tiny bit." in my opinion it goes for fathers too, at least in our case.

    One thing you might want to think about is to give the ob/gyn a letter giving them permission to treat your daughter with-o your presence if she goes to them. I know not all parents are okay with that, but I did it because I want my child to get medical care if she thinks she needs it and doesn't think she can talk to me about it. I would rather she get the help she needs with-o my knwoing than to not get it and have long term problems. Just how I feel (and how husband was told it would be). I know a lot of docs will see the teen girl first, but it can leave them in a sticky situation. There are docs who won't see the teen with-o a parent, at least here, and I didn't want it to be an issue.
  14. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Well, it could have happened. And I wouldn't say a word. It sounds like a setup to me.
  15. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I think HD makes a very good point about a teenager needing to accept ALL the responsibilities that come with being sexually active, including proper medical care/exams.
  16. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Witz, I was wondering if it was a setup too, to see if I do read it.
  17. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    I was thinking about this a few minutes ago as my easy child journals and wondered what I would do in this situation. I had a thought.
    Maybe you could say something in a casual manner. "you left your journal in xyz room. It really should be kept in your room for privacy. I think if you ever want me to read something that you wrote but don't want to talk about you could leave it out for me to see and it can be code to please read a marked page. If it is in your room it will remain off limits."
    May be a set up and she may freak and assume you snooped but you don't have to debate it. You can just say I brought the topic up only because you left it in a place that wasn't private and I thought we should discuss why you may at some point want me to read something, that's all (said nonchalantly).
  18. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    Or you could just say to her, is there something you are having a hard time talking about? Sometimes kids leave their journals out as a signal that something is bothering them?

    Or could you just say, I wonder how the BC is affecting your periods? let's see, you had your last period... and then did you have your period since then? There can be side effects, do you think you are having any?....
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Personally I wouldnt tell her you are reading her diary. One way you might bring this up is sit down with her and watch the show Teen Mom. I think its in Teen Mom2 right now. Or 16 and pregnant. That might open her eyes a bit and strike up a conversation. I would also insist on a gyn appointment too though. If she has a boyfriend, needs birth control and is sexually active then she needs to have the full work up. Tell her its just part of being a woman. Not the most pleasant part but oh well. If you can get a good gyn, they will use the smallest speculum and walk her through her first time carefully.
  20. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Well, I'm MUCH relieved it's not an IUD.

    At 15 though, if she believes she was pregnant, the girl needs to be checked. And like I said, I'm big on the whole if you're grown up enough for one, then you're grown up enough for the other.

    As for the diary............Nothing in my house is sacred. It's MY house. It's important that I know what is going on in MY house. If that means breaching privacy, then that is what will happen. I feel no twinges of guilt, nor will I ever when it comes to such things.

    My kids have always known this. Both girls still kept diaries. Mom read them at reg intervals. Most of the time there was no reason to say anything. (and yes they were quite blunt and honest in those pages from anything from what they doing to hating me when they were mad at me) But if there was something that involved their well being or the well being of the household, Mom addressed it. Sometimes I could manage that without having to divulge my source, but I'd tell them I read if if I had no choice. And they'd have a fit........must not have been too bad because a few days later they'd be writing in it again.

    I guess I'm old fashioned. I don't buy into the kids need privacy nonsense.