Sent the email that said NO $ to gfg32

[SeekingStrength]

My last SOS thread was becoming kinda long, so I started a new one to say I finally sent an email to gfg32 last night. I had been putting it off, knowing it would spark a flurry of responses from him. Last night our youngest son called to say he had received a FB message from gfg32 asking him to get their sister to take down a photo she has on her FB page. Gfg32 had sent message to daughter a couple weeks ago about this. She did not reply and blocked him. It is a harmless photo of the four of us (before birth of youngest) standing in front of church. Gfg32 is about 6 years old. A control thing...

It irritated me so much that gfg32 would reach out to his siblings, after years of nothing, over something so trivial. But, it is obviously a big thing to him, because he is not in control over this darn photo.

The email I sent had We love you in the subject line:

always have, and always will...that will never change.

You are a very smart guy. You can figure this out and find the best help....therapy/rehab, whatever will help you turn your ship around. You deserve a good life.

We have no money to send you, so please quit asking. That will not happen, nor should it. You are 32.

Best of luck, son.

Love,

Mom & Dad

Thanks for the input on the email wording; as you can tell, I borrowed heavily from you. I WANTED to say a bunch more...but knew better. He sent three emails over the next few hours, just stupid kind of stuff. You said you knew I'd have a fight with S (guy he stayed with a few days when he was down a couple weeks ago). I've only had two fights with S. This time it was because he inferred Dad is not a real man.

hahaha...like that would bother gfg32?

I can't even remember what was in the other two emails - but along the same sort of lines. Oh, he did refer to my future daughter-in-law. That bothers me more than anything else, because he is delusional and thinks he can make that happen, when I am certain exgf will NOT be with him now - certainly not without extensive therapy and improvement, including a job. and, this may get him incarcerated again as he tries to control that in his messed up frame of mind.

It is a beautiful day. husband and I are going out for an INexpensive dinner in a bit and tomorrow is husband's birthday. We will have lunch with daughter and youngest son.

I know I am way behind many of you on this board and wish I could speed up my recovery out of the enabling and the insanity of thinking husband and I can do something...but hey, I'm plodding along...and have not fallen in a few days. That's progress!

Thanks for listening.

 

[Sabine]

That email sounds perfect! I'm so proud of you, and behind you 100%. Don't think you're moving "too slowly" or any such thing. Everyone must move at his/her own pace. Do what's a little uncomfortable, (it's never easy telling our loved ones "no"), but not what's excruciating... the whole point is for you to be able to live a sane, sound life.. not move faster than you can handle

 

[DammitJanet]

I think you are doing incredibly well. Hope his sister tells him where to put his opinions about what she posts on FB where the sun doesnt shine. Personally I wish I had eaten my young.

 

[1905]

I wish I could give you a huge hug. I am so glad you said so little yet said it so eloquently. Of course it so hard and I know it hurts. I seriously know about that hurt. My son is now 27, he came back to me normal and I KNOW it's because of the advice and what I did to help him from all of the strangers on this site whose help I will never forget.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Wow, wonderful job. Perfect. I'm glad you're going to dinner and enjoying your life.

Remember that often our difficult child's up the ante when they finally hear a resounding NO and realize that era is now over. If he does that, know it's part of this and respond accordingly.......sometimes they can get pretty ugly too, so just be prepared for that possibility.

You did a great job TODAY and that is all any of us can do..............celebrate your wins.........

 

[Kathy813]

Good job. I may borrow your email.

~Kathy

 

[BusynMember]

If you've ever read the book "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud, I believe, the book explains how dysfunctional people rage and get irrational and hysterical when you suddenly set reasonable boundaries down on them. Your difficult child is acting predictably, just like most of ours have acted once we cut off the free ride. Expect it to get worse. I would recommend, if you can manage to contain yourself, just deleting his e-mails without reading them. Ditto for any texts or FB messages. It makes sense that he would now bug his siblings, after all this time. He's angry at wants to get them involved in his anger too, even if it's for petty reasons. This is a man who likes to control everybody and it will bring him much sorrow. Maturity will hopefully show him that he can only control himself. He may pout a long time once he realizes he can't bully you into doing what he wants. That's usually the next step...silence while they pout. It is to punish us for not continuing to hand out free money or difficult favors or for not putting up with their abuse anymore. How dare we! It's NOT just your son. It's a typical difficult child thang.

I am very proud of your progress. You are doing great. None of us did this well or easily at first. It takes a lot of time. One helpful hint I can pass along is to try to practice what is called "radical acceptance." That means, in simple terms, that life right now is what it is and your son is what he is. What is happening now is happening. We can be annoyed or angry, but since we can't change it, we can try to divert our mind back on the moment; onto what we are doing at the time...and try not to focus on the unpleasantness of your son's behavior. Since you can't change it, why make yourself suffer over it? That doesn't make a whole lotta sense, right?

Have a serene and peaceful night (or try) and see how good you can get at deleting the e-mails. Gentle hugs.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Personally I wish I had eaten my young.

Janet? I may have to frame this and put it on the fridge!

:O)

Cedar

 

[DammitJanet]

Can you tell I cant stand my kids right now?

Cory has completely pushed me into detachment except I am still here. Once I am gone, if I never see him again it will be too soon. That goes for the brat too. I now only have 3 grandchildren. Heck I have never been sure either of is kids are really his. I tend to think Monkey is his because her mom would have probably moved for the DNA test back when she was threatening to have his paternity rights terminated. The Brat looks nothing like him or her mother. She looks exactly like one of Mandy's best friends who she was dating right before she got with Cory.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

It irritated me so much that gfg32 would reach out to his siblings, after years of nothing, over something so trivial.

I love it that you sent the email. That is being proactive. I just recently learned to do that. It felt scary, because it was such a change for me. But then, I began to feel so strong and clean and right about what I had done. There is so much dread and tension floating around under the cares of everyday when we are distracted by what our difficult child kids are doing. By taking action we cut through all that.

We are no longer waiting for the difficult child to act to see what is going to happen next in our own lives.

We are the ones setting the tone for future interactions.

It feels so good to get your mojo back!

:O)

I agree that your difficult child will up the ante now. I think that may be why he is contacting his sibs ~ looking for allies. He may try to triangulate in your family, next. If one is isolated, that one will be the one he goes to for money and to validate his viewpoint.

It will be easier for you if you can understand that right now, difficult child isn't himself. He is being so manipulative with the "Dad isn't a man" stuff and the "future daughter in law" stuff. Do you think he is subtly threatening that you will not be invited to the ceremony?

Later, after difficult child is no longer using drugs and is thinking in a healthy way again, the hurt in all this can be addressed. But for now, it is best to be on guard, to protect your heart, your relationship to husband and to your other children, and your pocketbook.

I wanted to add that it helps me to remember that it isn't that I am refusing to give difficult child money. It isn't that I am so broke myself that I can't afford to give difficult child money. It is that I refuse to give difficult child, or anyone, my money so they can throw into a hole. As your difficult child is 32, you know what I mean by that. Keep saying "NO", SS. It is so important for us to see that piece, Strength. Once difficult child really gets it that you aren't going to send money, he is going to get mad. You will be called all sorts of things to anyone who will listen. That is going to hurt. There is no defense, no way to make it look better without condemning difficult child.

I have been there (I think I am still there, now that I think about it) with difficult child son. It's been such a long time since he has thought well of us ~ whether we give him money or not. After awhile, that gets to be an old pain, not too sharp to bear.

Cedar

 

[pasajes4]

He will up the ante. Mine has to the point where he was bringing in reinforcements.
He was bringing his thug friends over to the house so that they could break my house rules. He contacted far flung relatives so they could hear what a horrible person I am. I agree I am a Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented, Charming, Human.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Thanks --- your feedback and support is/are great! This, right after I received a very hateful email from gfg32 this AM. I had his emails filtered to a gfgfolder, but he responded to the email I posted above. i gotta go back and tweak the filtering so it includes replies.

ANYWAY, it was mean and ridiculous and right after reading it, I came here and feel soooo much better. You guys are right. I look forward to the silent, pouting phase, lol.

DJ, you can make folks smile. It is good to laugh .

Thanks again. Every day husband and/or I say ---so glad we found this forum. It has been a sanity saving, lifter-upper, invaluable resource.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Pasajes, I just now got the Beautiful Intelligent Talented Charming Human.

haha--Never heard this before. I will remember this one. Thanks.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

It's like changing course on a boat in the water, Strength. At first, the wave action is against you. If you keep at it, the direction your family was moving when the focus was on difficult child's inappropriate behavior will change.

You will be able to sail your ship majestically into harbor.

Whether difficult child is on board or not is difficult child's decision.

Cedar

 

[DazedandConfused]

I love the letter you wrote to difficult child. Loving, succinct, and direct. Yet, you expressed your confidence in him.

I may need to refer to it sometime in the very near future.

Personally, I wish I had eaten my young

LOL! Janet. One of the reasons I will never leave this forum. I can so relate!

 

[Childofmine]

That means, in simple terms, that life right now is what it is and your son is what he is. What is happening now is happening. We can be annoyed or angry, but since we can't change it, we can try to divert our mind back on the moment; onto what we are doing at the time...and try not to focus on the unpleasantness of your son's behavior. Since you can't change it, why make yourself suffer over it?

Yes, and in this place called Radical Acceptance, even if it's just for a few minutes or an hour or over time, days into weeks into months---this is where joy, calm, contentment, peace and serenity live.

This is where WE can live too, even as, even as, even if, even if.

What a gift.

 

[Echolette]

I know this isn't all about money, but it got me to thinking about all the money and things I've given difficult child, both when he lived at home and since he has been on the street (or couch surfing or whatever) for the past 2 1/2 years. Ipods, ipads, money, lunch, coffee makers, used furniture, lots of pairs of gloves and hats, warm pants and sweaters, under armour, record players, drum kits, more back packs and gym bags than I can count, and $10, $20, $30, $1800...and you know what? He has nothing. Absolutely nothing. The clothes I see him wearing are not at all familiar...I assume they are from charity, or he took them from some one else (I doubt he still has the pants he got caught stealing from the gap....haha, attempt at humor).

Which is to say...that what they ask for is not what they truly need. And what we have given them in the past is not what was needed, or valued, or retained either.

I love your email. It is perfect.

Echo.

 

[BusynMember]

What they wanted was our "stuff" to sell and buy drugs with. Amazing...this disappearing act. Like magic, it's gone.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Thanks, guys. I liked what echolette posted to COM. We did not get to this point easily; it is because of repeated X 100 (paraphrasing) acts against us, trouble with law, etc.

We are weary.

Gfg32 sent an email this morning that says he is totally through with me. "What kind of person can walk away from their first born? Oh yeah, your kind."

I felt HUGE relief. That says a lot. If you are happy your adult child promises to leave you alone? Wish I believed it, lol.

I do want a relationship some day, would love that. But, he has much to change before that happens. And, I am working on not reading his emails....hasn't happened yet, but I know that is good advice.


Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders

 

[recoveringenabler]

SS, I so know that relief you felt, yes it is huge. Your son has been threatening to leave you alone for awhile, I hope this time he finally got that you are not giving him any money, then he will really leave.

When I was staying up all night looking for "reasons" with my difficult child, I discovered a profile of a Narcissist, well in addition to quite a number of other disorders, she fit this one too. One of the things I read was that they consider us "food" a "food supply." Once the food supply is gone, they turn their sights onto a new food supply. It was chilling when I read it because it was a new thought and really, quite an unfortunate realization too..........but now that so much has gone down since then, I think that way. I see myself as a food supply for my difficult child and now that it's dried up, she's off in the search for a new one. I think of that when I read the accounts of others here too. And, from that perspective, often what we end up being, is a "food supply." As I write that I find that I still find that chilling.