Sent the email that said NO $ to gfg32

[helpangel]

You gotta admit these adult kids are real pro's at spinning the words to just get a rise out of us. "walk away from first born" I don't remember you walking anywhere in this; you didn't go anywhere he is the one who brought his drama cross country to sponge off of you then when it didn't payoff the way he wanted he went back so he could bad mouth you from a safe distance. I just hope he does give you a couple days of peace.

Nancy

 

[recoveringenabler]

Perfectly stated Nancy, well done!!

 

[SeekingStrength]

Yep, Nancy...but I hope it is more than a couple days!!! husband and I are on an overnight trip ...to a casino, no less. Great people watching. husband said, "we should do this more often".

I am debating with myself about blocking gfg32's phone # for a month. I think next move might be a tearful phone call...and then rage when husband and I won't help.

He has not called in weeks...all emails. What do you guys think/advise?


Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders

 

[recoveringenabler]

SS, if you feel that blocking his phone calls for a month is what YOU and husband need, then by all means do it. Let's bear in mind that your son is a 32 year old man, not a 14 year old boy. If a grown man can't reach his mom and dad for 30 days to cry or bemoan his fate, I doubt anything dire will happen to him...........AND, you and husband will have a much needed and much deserved BREAK. Go the the Casinos more often. Go out to dinner more often. Go have fun, play, laugh, live, be engaged in life.

Like me you've worked and fulfilled all of your responsibilities throughout your life, don't allow your son to rob you of this precious time in your lives. Since I've detached from my daughter (and rarely hear from her) I have so much TIME, money, energy, laughter............SO and I are hiking every weekend, I'm preparing these labor intensive dinners which I love to do...........I have whole afternoons where I can just BE................it's amazing SS.........come on, join me here in the land without a difficult child!!!!

 

[Childofmine]

Gfg32 sent an email this morning that says he is totally through with me. "What kind of person can walk away from their first born? Oh yeah, your kind."
I felt HUGE relief. That says a lot. If you are happy your adult child promises to leave you alone? Wish I believed it, lol.

Oh please---be totally through with me---at least when you're like this, is our response right? They are so arrogant, so "it's all about me" in their disease they are just thinking of anything and everything they can say to get a rise out of us.

Finally, they say, "okay I'm DONE with you." Oh, really, well thank you for the break from YOU.

Funny...that they TELL us---after all we have done---instead of us telling them---after all they have done.

Hang in there SS---you and I are battling right now for our son's futures. We are battling for OUR futures. That is what we are doing. Let's don't mistake it for anything else.

Last night my SO said, don't react at all about anything unless the circumstances are DIRE. I replied, well honey therein lies the problem. My enabling mind can think that something is DIRE when it isn't. Especially when I'm tired, and tired of.

He replied: well, being in the hospital MAY be dire. (may not). Spending the night outside in freezing temps is not dire.

Isn't it funny how our minds work? With ANY BODY ELSE, we can be rational and reasonable and see things clearly. But not with difficult child, although I am getting clearer and clearer as I walk this path.

Let's hang together, SS. I didn't have much time to post yesterday but I'm here! I'm here!

Thanks for being here, all. Every post helps me.

 

[Echolette]

I think blocking your phone is a good idea. We are so used to their intrusion that we walk around (probably literally but certainly metaphorically) with our shoulders hunched up around our ears, trying to protect ourselves. I relaxed more when I knew he couldn't reach me, that I wouldn't see him (I know, how sad is that). Blocking your phone may be a step towards that for you as well. I agree that a 32 year old should be able to handle himself for a month without reaching mom and dad.

But you should do what works for YOU. Not what is best for him. What works for you, and husband. Go put some money on the table for me!! I love the vision of you laughing together at a casino.

Echo

 

[Echolette]

Child,

I totally get the dire. I used to pop out of bed and show up everytime difficult child went to a mental health crisis center or emergency room. Eventually I realized...gee...they take good care of him there...its a lot of sitting around and waiting while he sleeps or complains...they usually give him a sandwich and pudding...what the heck?

so maybe you can take hospitals off your list. If they call at night and don't reach you they will call again in the day, for sure.

Echo

 

[SeekingStrength]

The break only lasted one day. Long email this AM to husband (first time he has been included in these emails), my mom and me.

Skewed truths about how he was raised, how we had the best relationship we have ever had, how just $300-$400 would help tremendously....why don't I Google "depression"? Manipulative ....every word.

His girlfriend moves back to her hometown this weekend so he is getting very very very desperate .oh...."and (girlfriend) is a professional. She knows about detachment and thinks you are wrong. She thinks you are bad people."


I almost fired an email back with "please leave us alone until you can be honest and are in therapy"....but ignoring is probably best. (right??---just double checking). Already, we told him more $$.

I blocked his #.


Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders

 

[recoveringenabler]

I think for most of us, yes, ignoring is best. Why subject yourself to a daily array of insults, lies and manipulations. If it were anyone else, would you put up with this? Likely not. Because he is your son doesn't excuse him from being civil and respectful, as Cedar always says, you raised him better then that. If his girlfriend is going home then he will need to do something other then spending his days emailing you and everyone else. It's remarkable the energy our kids put out on stupid stuff while ignoring the obvious.......like hmmmmmm, getting a job. My advice, block him on every single level that you can. And, if possible make the blocking obvious to him so he knows that it is futile and his emails are going into a black hole. Hang in there SS. Take the $300-$400 he is asking for and go to the casino for the weekend. That sounds like a much better way to spend your time and your money. Go have fun.

 

[Echolette]

I almost fired an email back with "please leave us alone until you can be honest and are in therapy"....but ignoring is probably best. (right??---just double checking)

Your instinct to ignore is absolutely right. What will you gain by engaging? Has anyone ever learned anything real by email (well OK, I"ve learned a lot from this board, but I am in a place of learning..your son is not). He desperately wants you to engage IN ANY WAY. and if you do, he will redouble his efforts. You have said all that needs to be said. Your answers to everything are in your previous communications. He can read. Writing it again won't make it clearer.

I am still thinking about tattoing "he is not deaf" on my thumb , right where I can see it every minute of every day, so that I remember to stop saying (or writing) the same thing over and over and over that never lands.

Try to stop reading his emails. That riled up feeling you get inside of you, that hurt or sadness or anger or sense of being wronged, or need to correct the record? It does you no good. It does him no good. It is hard to get rid of once it starts. Prevent the starting. Don't read it.

Good luck to you in these long long days. It really dose get easier. EVentually he will de-escalate, and you will reach a new level of comfort, both with his absence and with occasional communication. You are doing wonderfully. I hope that posting helps...keep it up. We are like a 12 step program! BEst to show up every day

Hello, my name is Echo and I am addicted to enabling and control.

Welcome, Echo. Welcome Seeking.

This too will pass.

Echo

 

[recoveringenabler]

SS, a wise person told me, "when you engage with craziness, you too become crazy." So, don't engage. Keep out of his insanity and your sanity will come back and you will enjoy your life A LOT more. (((HUGS)))

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I posted something to Child that I am going to post here too, to be sure you see it.

Native Americans had a tradition of sending their young men out without weapons or food to have a vision of the man they were to become. I have never read of one person who decided to chuck it and go back home to let mom and dad take care of them. Either they were worthy members of the tribe, or they were outcast, is my understanding. That is just what it is with our sons and daughters, too. They have to do this alone, to learn what kind of man (or woman) they are going to become.

I have been thinking about that imagery since I posted it to Child. It is helping so much with my daughter's situation, too. She has a right to create and meet her challenges on her own, to learn what kind of woman she will be.

Simple.

I said it better on Child's thread.

:O)

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I say read the emails until they no longer fascinate you. I was always fascinated to learn how the difficult child was. But no responding. That is how they snatch you in, every time.

Send him the story about the Native American tradition of coming into manhood.

That is the only validation you require.

You really are doing this for your son's own good.

He is not the man you raised him to be. He needs to turn this around. Or, he needs to acknowledge that the name he chose is beggar.

And that name has nothing to do with being a man who is of value to his tribe.

Cedar

 

[helpangel]

I would look at the emails as his way of checking in... even if reading them is too much the fact that an email comes from him lets you know he is still alive. I really liked how one parent left note that kid could call on Sat. from 10-11 am, it lets them know you want to keep the lines of communication open but done playing this stupid game.

When I was traveling with the carnival, my poor mom use to worry herself sick about me; Sunday afternoon 3:00 I would take my roll of quarters & go to a pay phone to check in with my parents & let them know what town I would be in the following week. Knowing where I was and that if she really needed to contact me she could was the only way she managed to get thru that time. Seems like the dark ages but they didn't have email or cell phones back then.

The 32yo in this thread I keep thinking "wow if he had put as much energy into a job as lining up this scam he would have made manager by now"

I would also pretend these people he's gotten to believe that his dysfunction is all mommy & daddy's fault don't exist; they are idiots and if want to waste their time & money believing his nonsense let them. A fool and their money are lucky they ever got together in the first place. (carny proverb)

Wanted to let you know I'm still reading along and sending good thoughts and support your way.

Nancy

 

[SeekingStrength]

Thanks, folks. Have i told you today that I love you?

husband and I made a vow at breakfast (stopped at a Cracker Barrel on the way home) to NOT read any more emails from gfg32, at least for a couple weeks. I have promised myself that before, but maybe now that we have a pact, I will just hit DELETE. They all say the same thing, basically demand money because this IS our fault....and we promised to put him up in a hotel here, so why not there? We OWE him. He never mentions that all help was contingent on him getting into therapy. It is nuts of me to expect he will say anything different for a very long time, if ever.

husband and I have made the same comments--if he spent this much time looking for a job and social services, he would be in a better place by now!

I am so tempted to email back a one-liner, such as "Google sociopath" or "We do not believe anything that comes out of your mouth", but I won't. Because, yes, he would re-double his efforts.

girlfriend is moving back to her hometown this weekend, so the next week or two will probably be the worst as far as sheer/frantic desperation. We pray good comes out of this. The only "good" we see so far is my enabling mom is starting to see it is gfg32 and not his parents. He has been very, very mean to her via emails. She continues to email back--long lectures, including telling him that he is exactly where he is because of HIS choices--and I have asked her (again) to stop forwarding anything to me.

I love it when you assure me it will get better, and deep down, I know it has to. He has to give up one day. Sure hope he stays 1500 miles away.

 

[recoveringenabler]

SS, my difficult child is 9 years older then yours (sheesh, yikes, holy cow!) and I have the same thoughts about her putting her energy into working or even looking for a job as opposed to spinning her wheels endlessly, relentlessly, daily, weekly and always trying to figure out ways to live without money.........to find someone to help her, or go to junkyards for parts, while trying to find someone to drive her there because she has no gas money, while cars break down repeatedly, bills are never paid, she "owes" everyone money (not one person has ever been paid back), most of her friends have skipped out, she goes to the next rung under what she was at before............and she's been actively doing this for 4 years now, since she lost her job. When I was frantic and helping, I would set up interviews for her and she would just sleep through them. I paid $1300 for her storage unit and she was supposed to move her stuff out so she wouldn't have to pay $135 a month.............that was about 18 months ago and her stuff continues to stay there while the storage people send notices of sale of the unit............and then she finds someone who will pay it in the eleventh hour. She lives at this odd level of survival where she relies on others almost entirely and sleeps most of the day, hardly has any friends, stays up all night playing games on her phone and then does the same thing again the next day.

It used to make me crazy, but it doesn't anymore. It is her life. I am not her I don't have to live there, she does. She insists it's freedom and then bemoans her fate but won't do anything at all to change it. I went through all the steps you are going through now. One day at a time. I let go. I detached. Just like you. It was hard, it was the hardest thing I have ever done..............ever................and you know what? One day it all got better...............and then better............and then even better...............I love her..............I wish it were different................but it isn't and there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. Once I realized how powerless I always was, it got better. You are headed in the same direction. It DOES get better. Hang in there, keep doing what you're doing..............you already feel so much better, don't you? That will increase and expand a lot.............

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Checking in. You are doing an amazing job. I am glad your husband is on the same page. Good for both of you. In the long run, this is what your difficult child needs. Not mom and dad picking up the pieces. He made the choices, and he is the one who needs to proceed from the place he took himself.

It does feel so good to take a stand, doesn't it.

We are being abused by our kids, who are using our love for them to guilt us into paying for them to self destruct in a better environment.

Hold steady. You are doing the right thing.

Cedar