Serenity Sunday

[Nancy]

I went to the AA meeting with difficult child tonight and heard two things that really struck me. First was that addict/alcoholics look for something to fill the hole they have inside them and they feel that hole very early on in their lives. They don't feel like they fit in, they feel different, and they use alcohol or drugs to feel accepted. I have always said my difficult child had a hole in her heart from being adopted that noone could fill. I now realize that she tried to fill that hole with alcohol/drugs.

The second thing was that alcoholics try to force things to happen and the key to serenity is to calm down and let things happen. I am guilty of that and have to keep reminding myself that when I feel things start to fall apart with difficult child I can't force it, I have to calm down and wait for it to happen, whatever it is.

We ended up sitting next to a young man difficult child went to high school with and she told me the first time she blacked out she was at his house drinking and smoking pot with her girlfriend. She doesn't remember how she got back to her friends house but did remember her dad picked her up and yelled at her all the way home. I remember that night well too. She was 14 years old. It dawned on me that she was a serious alcoholic very early on.

difficult child is chairing the Friday night meetings at one of the groups for the month of January and asked husband and I if we would like to come. Of course we said yes. She has picked the leaders and we know them all so I am anxious to hear their stories and see her in her element. I love sharing our sunday night together this way. I get to see her interact with the people who come to the meetings and how they seem to really like her. She seems so comfortable and relaxed.

Nancy

 

[Steely]

I liked this.....
I have always had a hard time with AA because of X 20 years ago and all of his failures within the program. But I like these snippets.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Sometimes I think AA and other such programs fall into the same sort of situation as medications...
When it works, it works well. But it doesn't alway work - and on occasion, can make things worse.

So glad it is working in your difficult child's situation, Nancy.

 

[Hound dog]

Sounds like a very beneficial meeting.

 

[buddy]

Must be wonderful to make such positive memories to help build trust and communication.

What you wrote about, I can totally relate to. Not in a "kind of" way, very specific point by point---- as a child...using a child's words, I said those very things. I felt like I looked different, everyone else was more deserving, that I was LUCKY to have a friend (and I had lots, but was the first to be dismissed) etc. I tried one time to even join in on being a bully of sorts, (more a clique which is a form of bullying when you dont allow others in) and i failed at that too, went over to her house and apologized and said I would never do that again.

I can also relate to the idea of forcing things to happen. Ihad never thought of it that way. I get desperate to fix things sometimes, to head things off much of the time. I have said the serenity prayer for years and years but I dont think I fully embraced it that way.

Thanks for sharing, and I join you in being proud of difficult child... its a wonderful thing. Maybe years down the pike she will be a counselor if this is her element. I wish her continued success.

 

[Signorina]

"...the key to serenity is to calm down and let things happen. I am guilty of that and have to keep reminding myself that when I feel things start to fall apart with difficult child I can't force it, I have to calm down and wait for it to happen, whatever it is."

Wise wise wise words ....

I am happy for you. What a blessing it is to have hope again and to have things move in that direction...

Yay

 

[lovemysons]

Hi Nancy,
I am sorry I did not read this earlier.

Have to say I am so proud of your difficult child for getting back "on the beam"...her chairing a meeting/taking the program seriously again, is such a positive sign.
I know she has sure gone through some tough situations to overcome in the last several months.

I agree whole-heartedly with their being a hole in the hearts of the addict/alcoholic...something is missing. For me it was a no brainer...I had no dad, no brothers sisters, moved 10 times by the time I was in 9th grade (no stability) and no friends I kept along the way. I was a very very lonely youngster and my mom was only 17 when she had me...so she grew up while I grew up, sigh.
But for my difficult child sons...It baffled me. I couldn't understand what was missing, well, at least in oldest difficult child's case.

My young difficult child is full-fledged alcoholic. I can see alot of reasons for his demise. He doesn't have a close relationship with my husband, dad. He is the middle child to a brother that seemed to have it all going for him: quarterback for dad's football team, good grades, hard worker, etc.
Young difficult child is also the spitting image of my alcoholic bio dad that I didn't meet til I was 17.

There is no one to blame necessarily. I think it is truly awesome that you and husband are participating in your difficult child's recovery too. Someone told me at Al Anon once that I did not cause this family disease only helped to "facilitate" it.

As a side note...Isn't it amazing how intelligent, charming, good looking these addict/alcoholics are!? Also someone told me that at least 40% of alcoholics have been dxd Bipolar before...I found that interesting too. Don't know if that's statistically true or not.

Hope your difficult child daughter continues on with AA. There is alot of growth that can come from it all. And someday you may have a relationship with her far better than you ever could have imagined.
The tools are hers and she's in the right place.
You're doing a great job supporting her.

Hugs,
LMS

 

[dashcat]

Nancy,
It sounds like she is really taking the program seriously and is proud enough of herself to want you and her dad to be there. That is huge. You're both doing a great job supporting her
Dash

 

[Star*]

Nancy,

Maybe for Christmas you can find at a Christian bookstore a small emblem of the Serenity prayer that she could keep in her pocket or on her keychain? I have one and I keep it in front of my computer all the time. I used to keep it in my pocket - it found a better home where it is. If you can't find one I'd gladly send her mine.
You all are quite wonderful! Our prayers are still being heard! And her angel got quite and earful.
Hugs & Love
Star

 

[Nancy]

She has the serenity prayer on a bookmark and on a laminated card she carries in her purse, but thanks for the offer star. But I did get her an AA necklace with the pendant in the shape of a horseshoe with the AA triangle inside. Someday I hope to take her down to meet you and Janet and you can tell her how you were her biggest cheerleaders.

I am cautiously optimistic and glad to see she is becoming more involved in the program. husband and I met difficult child and her roommate for dinner Saturday evening and had a very nice time. She is a lovely girl, seems very grounded and very serious about her sobriety. We are thrilled difficult child is living with her and hope her lifestyle rubs off on difficult child.

Then again we all know how fast things can go downhill so we try not to get too comfortable or let our guard down too much.

Nancy

 

[DDD]

What a really nice and insightful post, Nancy. It's great that you have reason to be cautiously optimistic about difficult child's future. My fingers remain crossed.

This may be a little off topic but in watching a program recently I had an "ah ha" moment. The recovering addict explained why he had to stay isolated with others in recovery (ten years I think). What he said that I had never thought of before was this. "Addicts recognize one another no matter what the social setting or work setting may be. If I am in a crowd of people who are unknown to me I can easily identify and be identified as an addict. It's just a look of recognition that passes when eyes meet. We "know" each other even though we are complete strangers. I guarantee you that even the exchange of looks for a moment triggers memories and sometimes passing need to use. That is why I eliminated all socialization which includes people that I am not completely sure are living a happy healthy life."

I had never thought about that before but in retrospect I realize that difficult child "sees" things that I don't see. He hones in on people who are users, sellers etc. in an uncanny way. The old expression "It takes one to know one" evidently makes the outside world an unhealthy place for someone who is attempting to get clean and stay clean. Like I said...it was an "ah ha" moment.

So glad she is trying to surround herself with healthy people. That's key. Hugs DDD

 

[Kathy813]

Nancy,

What a terrific post. Your difficult child sounds like she is really doing well. Our difficult child asked us to go to an AA meeting when she first got our of rehab but hasn't mentioned it since. I think it is great that your difficult child included you and your husband. I also like that she has found a roommate that will support her sobriety.

It sounds like this will be a great Christmas for your family. I am so happy for you!

~Kathy