serious problem with 19 y/o difficult child what to do?

[Forensikchic]

I am brand spanking new here but i am hoping someone can help me. a little back story on my difficult child. Had trouble with him with pot and cigarettes since he was about 15 years old. Got in trouble with the law over cigarettes and pot at school. Since graduating, he is at the end of a one year probation for having a prohibited weapon at school in his car. It was old pocketknife in the glove box but they searched his car because of a beer can and an empty pack of cigs in plain sight. He graduated from high school this year and promptly got a DWI. Blew a 0 because he had been smoking potpourri, not drinking alcohol.. charges still pending on that. I have paid out 1300 in legal bills this year to include the fines and probation, car impounds, etc. He subsequently wrecked two cars in the past year and now he doesnt have one. He had a job for about a week and then quit that. He smokes this fake pot all the time and so do all of his freinds. They are in and out in the garage all day and night. Some teens trade different things to him for the fake weed. The things range from playstations, to games, to someones grandmas silver. He sells or pawns these items for money to buy the fake weed. Last night a lady came over who had just put her son in rehab and she wanted her things back. My difficult child made up all kinds of lies and promises but we dont know what the truth is about where her stuff is.

He is disrepectful to me always, screaming at me, cursing me, blaming me, etc and then the bomb got dropped. He has stolen all of my jewelry.. worth thousands and worth much more to me emotionally because these are things I cant replace that I have had for 20+ years. He sold them to a gold buyer and I cant get them back. I am heartbroken. meanwhile, the lady came over again last night and started naming things off that she was missing and I tried to see if we had anything there. I saw a playstation and we assumed it was hers. I gave it to her. He came home and blew a fuse on me saying it wasnt hers and I needed to drive him over to get it back. it was after midnite and I refused. He got a ride and blew the horn at the womans house until the police came. he was not arrested but he came home at 2am screaming at me about how I almost got him arrested because I wouldnt take him there like I should since i "let her steal is Playstation". I told him I would ask the woman to give it back but i really wanted to help her recover what property was really hers. He just keeps saying he has the silverware and her bracelets that he tried to sell but they were not real but he "lost" them in our house. I dont believe they are lost. I dont know what to do.

I am thinking in my heart that I have to ask him to leave. He is causing so much chaos and has for years now, that I am at my breaking point. He is more worried about a video game than my jewelry or my feelings or my job. I would be fired if they knew my son was effectively recieving stolen property into my house. I just dont know how to go about putting him out. its cold here and rainy and he has no where to go. BUT.. he is driving us crazy with all the yelling and cursing and blaming. He wont do any chores.. just flat refuses to. he wont obey any rule and hasnt for years. I told him when I found out about the jewelry that he A. had to go to bed at midnite, 2. could not have freinds over at all 3. couldnt sleep on the couch anymore.. (he sleeps there instead of his bed and wont stop even though its tearing up my couch). The next day he had a friend over. then the next day a different friend. It was 2am when he was screaming at me about the playstation and he was slamming all the doors waking up my easy child. Im at my wits end with this boy. He is 19 now, graduated HS. Has no motivation to go to college or work. He is living the dream in my house doing whatever he pleases. Someone please give me some direction here. Please.

 

[DammitJanet]

Hi there. Sorry you had to find our little corner of the universe but pull up a chair and we will welcome you with open arms.

Im sorry to say your story isnt unique. Plenty of us here have been through very similar things. My own son stole my check book and forged checks on me to the tune of $1500. That was my breaking point and I charged him. Thankfully it was also what turned him around.

From the name you chose I can only imagine why it would be a bad situation if someone were to find out what your son was doing out of your home. Honestly, your son is a grown man now. I realize when you look at him you still see images of that little boy you helped tie his shoes and the one who learned to ride a bike but he isnt that toddler anymore. He is a full grown man who is now a criminal. He will bring you and the rest of your family down with him if you dont force him to leave.

The only way to make a man into a man is to make him responsible for himself. Find out what the laws are for your state to get him out of your home. Some places make you go through an actual eviction, some dont. Whatever you have to do, do it. If nothing else, give him 30 days to find a job and leave. Then do it. Sit him down at the table with the computer running so you have a video of what is happening, and try to get him to sign a contract stating that he will get a job, what the rules of the house are until he gets out, and then give the date he is to leave. If he breaks the rules...call the cops and have him removed. If you catch him with drugs...call the cops..if you catch him with stolen property...call the cops. Even that fake pot is illegal. Actually selling that fake pot is illegal. My son got charged with a felony as a juvenile for selling grass clippings as pot. Grass that you mow in your yard!

Actually, I would call the cops about your jewelry and have him charged. They can investigate that. If you stop him now you may save him from getting killed breaking into someone's house one day. Eventually he is going to steal from someone who isnt going to be nice.

 

[Forensikchic]

Thanks so much for your reply. I have been sitting here all day worrying over how to do this. I know its the right thing to do. I have to get him out of my house. Its high time he left. No pun intended. My father advised me to charge him with the theft of my jewelry and so did the store that he sold it to. Im not sure I can bring myself to charge him but like my dad said, if not me then its just a matter of time "who". He is on the path of burglary, theft, drugs etc and until he suffers consequences for those actions, he wont grow up or learn to be a man. He is very small in stature and it worries me, him going to jail. He is about 5' 6" tall and weighs a mere 120 pounds.. looks like a 12 year old, literally. Thinks he is tough but they will eat him alive in there. They have a lot of Mexican Mafia in jail here. They did a TV special on the gang violence in the jails.

I know you are right, I should turn him in for the jewelry theft, its just going to be so hard to do. First, I need to get him out of my house. Maybe that will be sufficient wake up call. He really doesnt believe I will. I can tell he doesnt believe it. I will check my state laws to see if I need to evict him. I am going to wait until Saturday to spring this on him because my hubby works out of town and I dont want to be alone when we talk to him. I might crumble. I think the giving him 30 days to find a job and move out is a good plan, but it also just prolongs the inevitable. I will be in this place in my heart again in a month. It just never ends. I need to get my facts about this state in order so I know if I need an eviction notice or not. Maybe I will just give one just in case. It can spell out the rules and if he breaks them, and he will, the move date will be sooner and he will be charged with the theft of my jewelry. Thanks again for the great advice. Now to put it all into action.. Ughh....

 

[rejectedmom]

I just wrote you a long response but it got lost in cyberspace. The jist of it is that you do not have to put up with his behavior nor should you. Bailing him out, covering for him, paying his legal fees, protecting him from paying for his crimes, etc. is enabling. Check the law in you state and see if you need to go through the eviction process to put him out. If so, you could try to get an order of protection against him which wil effectively evict him immediately. Then change the locks and do not give him a key. He is an adult who is abusing you and your easy child. Let him reap the consequences of his actions.

I am so sorry about your jewlery. My son stole some of mine also. He took my engagement ring but luckily I got that back. The setting was broken but the diamond intact. Other things... I never saw again. It hurts.

Unfortunately your difficult child's atrocious behavior won't stop as long as he is using. I am so sorry for your pain. It hoovers to be victimized by your own child. -RM

 

[BKS]

Hi Forensikchic,

Welcome and I am sorry to see that you have met the requirements to join us! That said you will find a great deal of experience and advice on this site.

From my own personal experience, my husband and I asked our 19 year old to move out in Oct. He was very disrespectful, would not do chores, was doing drugs and drinking, was lying about everything, was stealing, and broke into our house...... He blamed us for 'screwing him up'. The list goes on and on.

I agree with Dammit Janet. GET HIM OUT OF YOUR HOUSE. Janet is right. He is an adult and he will not learn to survive on his own unless he HAS to. My son is slowly showing a few minor signs of maturity and we are grateful we made our decision.

If you son can operate a business out of your garage (an illegal business at that) he is fully capable of making his way in the world.

Hang in there. You will be in my prayers.

BKS

 

[recoveringenabler]

Many of us have been where you are. I am so sorry you find yourself there, it really is a tough place to be. I wholeheartedly agree with what everyone else says. Press charges. Find out what the laws are in your state and then use them and evict him. If you can get a protection order. I know it's hard, really I do, I've been in similar shoes, but it's your only option to get a normal life and have peace reign. Do your research, wait until your husband comes home and then give him notice or throw him out. You do not deserve to live like this, you have options, use them. You and your husband and your easy child need a safe home. Plus he is influencing your easy child with this negative, violent, abusive behavior. Do not allow this behavior to continue. And, change the locks on your doors once he is gone and perhaps even an alarm system if you don't already have one. Stay strong. You're not alone. Many hugs to you..........

 

[DammitJanet]

I know how scary it is to think of a kid that small being in jail. My son is disabled physically and mentally and I was convinced he would get beaten to a pulp because he would run his mouth. Not. Somehow they figure it out fast. Also it isnt quite as bad in there as they make it out to be. And then if you just decide to toss him out without charging him I can guarantee he will find a way to couch surf until he runs out of friends and hopefully by then it will occur to him he has to make it on his own. Just be prepared for all his phone calls home begging to come back. He will have found everything from God to Buddha. He will promise the moon and he will never follow up on it. I cant even begin to tell you how many times I fell for my son promising to go get his GED, go to church, go back to therapy, and on and on. He still doesnt have his GED. I even tried to bribe him with a 40 inch big screen tv to go get his GED. No dice.

The one thing that throwing him out has done is that he isnt happy coming home. I have one very unhappy young man sleeping in my spare bedroom right now. I keep telling him he is more than welcome to stay as long as he needs to at this time but he is very unhappy to have had to come back here. He feels like a failure to have had to return home. I dont think of it that way, I think of it as my job to be here for my kids when times get rough for them. If any of my kids need me, Im here for them. Its why I have a big house.

 

[Forensikchic]

He didnt come home last night at all so I havent talked to him yet. My hubby gets home tonight and I guess we will drop the bomb saturday. I need it to go as peaceful as possible. Pray for me and my family please. Thanks.

 

[Nancy]

You do need to check the laws in your state to see if you can make him leave without filing the eviction process and giving him 30 days. Our state allowed us to make our daughter leave and we called the police who came over and told her she had to go, that she was an adult now and if we wanted her to leave she had to. Call your local police andf ask their advice.

If you can't bring yourself to charge him with theft I understand, but you do not have to have him in your house using drugs and stealing from you.

By fake pot do you mean spice? It is illegal in every state. You can tell the police he is using it and stealing from you and you want him out. It is very hard to do to your child I know, but you cannot live like this and it's time he found out what his behavior will get him. Eventually he will steal from someone and get caught and they WILL file charges.

Nancy

 

[recoveringenabler]

I will pray for you and your family. I know how hard this is on you and your husband, the parents always take such a hit in the heart when we have to have our kids leave our home. Get all your ducks in order as to exactly how you are going to approach it, know your states laws about eviction, know what you can do about the theft and the drugs and a restraining order too. As Nancy said, call the police and find out exactly what you CAN do. So when you are confronted with his bad behavior and reactions to your eviction, you will stand strong and be united with your husband against his railing and emotional outbursts, should that happen.

If he is staying for 30 days, map out very clearly what you expect, and what the consequences will be if he disrespects your rules and guide-lines because if he is to stay, he may be angry and take it out on you and your home, so be VERY clear about calling the cops in, getting a restraining order, etc. and if he steps over your boundaries you must make the consequences happen or he will not believe you are serious and his behavior will likely escalate.

These scenarios are almost always about boundary setting and natural consequences to overstepping those boundaries, which he has not respected in your home and you have allowed, so now it is the moment of truth and you have to be strong and stand by what you say, you have to keep your word with the consequences or all of this will have been for naught. It's hard too, no doubt about it, but you have to keep asking yourself, do I want to continue to live like this?

Sending you gentle hugs, wishes for as peaceful a transition as can happen and prayers that you stay strong and resolved and find peace. I'll be thinking about you tomorrow...............

 

[Sheila]

I'm so sorry. Chaos, chaos..... Can't add to anything above. I'm beginning to think our kids don't grow up until around 40.......

 

[Sheila]

PS: i just posted info on synthetic marijuana in the Substance Abuse forum. Dangerous stuff.

 

[DammitJanet]

I do realize how very hard this is...no doubt about it. It will be the very hardest thing you have ever done but one thing you have to realize is that you may be saving his life. Even if he goes to jail right now it isnt the end of his life. It may seem to be and he may tell you it is but it isnt. Lots of kids get in trouble when they are young and end up going on to lead very productive lives. If they get their lives sorted out and dont get into anymore trouble most places will expunge records after so long. Remember that.

However, if he continues living in your house with all the luxuries of a nice warm bed, clothes on his back, food in his belly, he has no reason to change. He can put up with your yelling at him because he just tunes you out. Kids are good at that. Parents sound like the adults on the Peanut Cartoons. Wawawa. What we say goes in one ear and out the other. They learn nothing from us. Remember how you told him the stove was hot but he kept going back to see if it was still hot? Yeah, mine too. Over and over again. He had to test those limits.

He will only learn to take responsibility for his actions when that responsibility falls straight on his shoulders. When he has no one else to blame. When he cant say....but Mom did this, or Dad made me do that, or if they had just let me do XYZ. No, it wont work anymore. He is out and he is responsible for himself now. If he goes cold or hungry because he doesnt pay his bills and would rather smoke pot...so be it. I doubt he will do it twice.

 

[JJJ]

I think he has left you with no choice. If he has drugs (even the "fake" drugs) and stolen goods in your house, YOU can get in trouble.

 

[scent of cedar]

This is something that helped me. One of the moms on the site posted about how her realization that many 19 year olds are in the armed services changed her understanding of what her own 19 year old son was capable of. At that time, my son was much older than 19 ~ but I too saw my son differently, when I thought of what so many 19 year olds were doing, and risking, and creating.

What I did was cut a picture of a group of young soldiers from the newspaper. I posted it next to the phone. Other moms on this site helped me decide how to respond to the accusations I knew my son would level at me once I began standing up for myself. For all I know, those conversations may still be in the archives somewhere. What they would show, if you could see them, is a frightened, guilt-ridden mother taking the blame and apologizing for the choices her grown son refused to stop making.

I actually wrote their suggestions down and kept those by the phone, too.

And it worked. Over time, it worked. I was able to change. Cruel as it sounds, the difference between me and the mom whose son opted to join the service or take school seriously is that I took on the guilt my son should have experienced for the choices he'd made.

What I needed to learn was that I was creating my own monster. I am the one who needed to change. My son had no choice but to create his own life once I no longer felt guilty because he hadn't. It is a strange and hurtful path we need to walk when our children refuse to go in the way we have taught them. Until we can clearly see the rightness of our actions and demands where our grown children are concerned, we cannot change anything for them.

But unless we do, we are enabling them to continue doing things that are harmful to them.

And that is the key.

You are the one who needs to be strong enough to push him out, or he will grow into a self-indulgent, dependent, possibly drug-addicted, man.

The time will come when you will decide to take your life back. Let it be now, when your son still has time to come back from his bad choices. I would not turn him in for the jewelry. Let him start with a clean slate. But thirty days from now, he needs to be gone from your house. Not for you, but for him. An option for treatment for his drug use should be offered. If he refuses, then you have done all you can.

Here is what we did, time and again, to the tune of thousands of dollars: We believed the claim that treatment wasn't needed; we paid for apartments, bought groceries and dog food, paid for license reinstatements and fines, bought cars, paid towing fees and court costs. Don't do that. It doesn't work. If he refuses treatment, then pay for a room at the YMCA for a month. That's what I would do, now. I know everyone is always saying you just have to toss them out. I could never do it, even after I'd realized that I SHOULD do just that.

But that's just me. It took me forever to become strong enough to learn the line between guilt and mother-love.

This is what worked: I love you too much to watch you self-destruct.

That phrase worked because it is true. In your case, the phrase would be "I love you to much to HELP you self-destruct." In other words, you refuse to condone what your son is doing to his life by supporting him while he does it.

Know that I wish you strong and healthy and happy, again. I know how this hurts, how confused and guilty you feel. But you aren't the one making the choices for your son. He is--and he knows better. You taught him better. Let him come up with the plan for his future, for once. I would be willing to bet a quarter you were the kind of parents who expected great grades and prepared for him to go to college. We were that kind of parent, too. But none of those things happened.

No matter how hard we dreamed it, how bad we wanted it, how hard we tried to make it so...none of those things happened.

Another important thing is to tell your husband that you see his suffering, and are sorry for his pain. Words to that effect helped us begin to put our marriage back together.

Sending strength. You will all make it through this time.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Scent of Cedar, that was beautifully written, compassionate, heartfelt, strong, honest, wise and filled with your love and your pain. Thank you for saying all of that. I needed to read every word you wrote today, you are so right, and it is so hard....................and it is exactly what we have to do.........thank you.