Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Apr 1, 2011.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Katie is not moving in to her apartment this weekend because now the shelter wants her to wait to see what the teachers at the school rounded up for her in furniture and household they can see what they can manage to round up for her to fill the place up with things she needs.

    Now while all that is actually very nice of everyone and there is a piece of my heart that really truly appreciates it..............I'm steaming under the skin.

    Seriously? Are you kidding me?? Yet again.....suddenly everyone is handing Katie everything again. Her rent will be 25.00 a month. Her deposit was 50.00 and I know she at most only could have had someone paid what she didn't have and it certainly was NOT family.

    Now I certainly don't want the grandkids to suffer......but sleeping on the floor I don't consider suffering when Mom can turn up the heat as high as she wants because she doesn't have to pay the bill. I wouldn't even really get miffed over maybe some used dishes and pots and pans or some such.........but beds for all of them and other furniture??

    Dang it to heck, if I'd known all you had to do was abandon stuff, jump into a homeless shelter, not do dittly squat to find a real job and not only would you get a apartment and it furnished for you.........I'd have done it years ago, instead of husband and I working our tails off to buy those things for ourselves.

    Ok, so I have too much pride to do that...........but this really galls me.

    Not that people are being nice and trying to help........but that this crud is the stuff that has prevented this girl from growing up and doing for herself clear into her 30's!! It will be the 2nd time people in this town have furnished an apartment for her. ugh!

    What next? Is someone going to buy her a car? The state did last time, but that program no longer exists.

    You know, it's hard enough to get family to stop "over helping" a difficult's impossible it seems to get other people to stop it too.

    So now the whole family has to rearrange plans because she's not moving this weekend afterall. Nichole was coming down to help and everything. Irritates me. So since they can help her get this stuff, they can also help her move this stuff. We'll just move the crud out of my house into her apartment.......if for no other reason than to get it out of my house so I can CLEAN it!

    Ok. Vent over. I'm just exhausted after 3 days of zero sleep, caring for 2 out of 3 sick kids for 10-12 hours a day for the past 2 days.........and more than a tad frustrated. I had hoped that working to furnish her apartment with necessities would be the motivator to push katie into adulthood and build up her confidence and self pride....... Oh well. I didn't do it, I have no control over it, not my problem.
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not



    I understand your anger - because, really, it just doesn't seem fair - BUT I think you need to think about this a minute and then let it go...

    People are helping Katie's children. They WANT to. They are not "going without" in order to provide something....they are clearing out some unused things...making space...AND feeling good that they are making a difference in the life of a child. And really, that's a good thing....

    The fact that it can be argued (and justifiably so!) that Katie doesn't deserve it? Well, not really your've got to leave that one to a higher power and trust that it will all even out in the end.

  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Hugs, Lisa.

    I wish I could bang some sense into their heads...
  4. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Can't they just move in this weekend and get their "donations" later? need rest, you've had a hard few days,take care of you ok?
  5. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    I'm screaming with you- story of Kat's life. When I don't help someone always jumps in and does. She never learns a thing and just continues to live how she wants and reap the rewards of doing literally NOTHING. It drives me insane because, like you, I have worked hard for all I have (not a lot, but still, I earned it). And I expect my daughter to earn what she wants.
  6. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member


    This is the thing that gets to easy child the most....difficult children can head-dive into a pile of manure and come up squeaky clean while the rest of us are covered with their mess. But so seems to be the way the world works.

    At least for a while the grandkids will have a nice place to stay with their own beds....until their parents blow it for them - again. Hugs!
  7. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Will they hold the apartment for them?
  8. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    The shelter wants her to wait? Huh... that just sounds a little odd to me, but I don't know much about it or their waiting list or what have you. I just hope she appreciates what people are doing for her and the kids (I'm sure the kids do).
  9. troubled

    troubled Guest

    Oh no! How is that supposed to encourage her to stand on her own? I think of the message it sends even to the children. This is one reason others (like MY difficult child!!) think THEY don't have to work, either! I also think it encourages them to get pregnant and have babies, so they can go along for the free ride thanks to those poor working or tax paying folks! Not that I want the innocent kids to suffer but.. I feel your angst! :groan:
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Wow.......... 3 days with no sleep and I'm just a tad witchy with a major capitol B, huh? (I just re-read my vent after waking from a 5 hr much needed nap)

    It does rub me wrong due to the simple fact that it sort of reinforces to katie that if she holds out and does nothing long enough people will come through for her eventually.

    I do have to say we have some pretty fantastic people in this town, which is why I love living her so much. There are plenty of bad apples.......but the down to earth good-hearted out number them 100 fold. We had a family back in the winter lose their home and all their belongings to rallied and they had a place to live, clothing, and fully furnished home within a few weeks.

    I am glad the grandkids will be more comfortable and will get an opportunity at a "normal" home environment. And with sleep, I don't doubt that most of this is being done for the sake of the children, not their parents. So........I will let it go. I'm not bending over backward to enable her, the family isn't either, so that is what counts. The good people here........if katie abuses their generosity......will stop helping her. Word gets around fast.

    I didn't talk to katie today. I instead, came home and blew up on husband after the poor man filled me in on the news that caused me to vent, contacted Nichole so she wouldn't make an unnecessary trip in the morning, and hit the bed. Exhausted as I was, it still took me more than 2 hrs to finally fall asleep. Once I reach that "over tired" stage it's next to impossible for me to actually fall asleep. ugh So tonight shouldn't be so bad now that I've had a long nap.

    Katie paid the rent and deposit today and signed the lease so there is no hitch about when she moves in to the apartment. Manager made it clear it's not going to be super fun times there. If so much as one article of men's clothing is found in her apartment due to M not being allowed to live there Katie will find herself evicted promptly. If neighbors report he is spending all hours of the day and night there......she'll find herself evicted as before. I'm not sure about visiting.....Katie volunteered the other info and husband wasn't inclined to ask questions much. Does make me wonder about him even being allowed on the property though...........I certainly won't be too shy to ask that question when I talk to her. lol And manager informed her that there are monthly random inspections for cleanliness and damage to the apartments......and she can be evicted if she doesn't pass inspection. Random means unannounced as they inspect every single apartment. I know because I asked Nichole's bff that lives there.

    And I'm guessing Welfare has already made demands (katie would've had to inform them her address is changing) as suddenly M has managed to land a job as a dishwasher at a local mexican restaurant. Shocking how suddenly that happened isn't it? So now he'll be paying child katie will be able to make rent (CS income doesn't count as income for hud by the way) and buy things that food stamps doesn't cover.

    All in all........this is not working out so well for M. He can't live with Katie and the kids, he can't even so much as sleep over night there, may not even be able to visit there. Now he has no choice but to keep a job and pay child support or he will get room and board in jail. Shelter, although they're letting him move over to the men's side, won't let him stay there very long especially now that he has a job......they'll expect him to find a place to live. So by the time he pays his rent/bills and the child support........there will be no money left for him to have fun with. That is NOT going to sit well with him, cuz it's all about Him and what he wants. And Katie is beginning to act like she's had enough of him.

    Nope, not looking so grand for him at all.

    As for the sitter..........M is katie's sitter. But if he's not allowed at the apartments then she won't have one. Daycare wants a set schedule and katie's is only when they call her, so doubtful daycare will take the kids even though state would foot the bill. Doesn't matter too much as M will be paying support......but the manager of the apartment will be expecting her to look for work and katie will have to show that she is actively looking. If she wants work she has walmart, krogers, dollar general, the dollar store, a movie theatre, bob evans, dakota's, Lowe's, pizza hut, a gas station all with in 15 mins of walking distance to apply at and more. No excuse not to find work.

    Me? I'm just going to do the Nana bit. Next weekend Nichole will come down and we'll load up all their stuff from here and take it to her. And I'll take her to get groceries. I am going to tell her that she needs to tell M that either he takes his stuff at the shelter or I dump it into the trash. I'm done storing it for him and am not going to continue to do so indefinitely. And I plan to give him no excuse to "drop in" for a visit. The fact I haven't had to see him since xmas is bliss, I'm soooooooo hoping he does a no show for Easter dinner.

    Still it is simply amazing how our difficult child's manage to get things so darn easy when the rest of us have to work our fingers to the bone.:sigh:
  11. troubled

    troubled Guest

    If only the kids could be well taken care of and the adults made to work or do something to better themselves. How to force them? Anyway, I hope you get some rest. My doctor has given me trazodone to help me sleep and it's been a lifesaver for me. :hugs:
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I do find it odd that a housing unit would give a darn what furniture was in the house myself. The mortgage company doesnt care if you live on an air mattress as long as you pay the And that could be on a million dollar mansion.

    I think its nice that so many people are willing to help them though. We keep telling Mandy she is going to have to be the breadwinner in the family because Cory is disabled and is going to have to be the stay at home dad. Backwards yeah but at least they have more than we did with him bringing in a check. When we started out, we had 3 kids and Tony only made like 250 a week and I made nothing. It can be done. Its just hard.
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Janet the apartments don't care if she has furnishings or not, the shelter staff and school staff are doing that part. Only thing the apartment ,manager cares about is that the rent is paid, apartment is kept clean and not damaged, and that M doesn't try to sneak in. lol

    I bet that whole bread winner thing is going over well with Mandy, huh? lol Nothing wrong with Cory staying home and being a full time dad either. Saves them on daycare and the kids will have at least one parent home with them. Not a bad thing. But yeah it can be hard. husband and I survived it, and our early years were dinners of PB&J and koolaide sitting at an old card table. But it's having to work for the stuff that gives you that sense of pride in yourself that you can provide for your family. That's what katie needs. ugh
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911

    It could be that social services is smarter than M and K - and things will work out for the kids. I'm not holding my breath - but this manager of the apartments sounds like she's seen a LOT - and isn't letting a rat slip into her barn.

    As far as the rest of it Hound? This either will or won't be Katie and M's burden to bear. If your Grands are lucky? There will be enough intervention in their lives now so that they see how they are raised and WILL NOT carry on this lifestyle with their own families. You gotta admit this is a pretty rough way to live, and I'm sure -matter of fact I know after having so many disasters and being poor without any support - if you ask Dude now? He'll tell you he HATED handouts. He was happier getting stuff off the curb than having people give us stuff. He said if he found it? It made it more like it was his. Don't think that because things are given there still isn't a place in the kids's mind that makes them feel still just a little less than everyone - they know where the stuff came from, how they got it, WHY they got it. I feel really bad for them. I don't know whether Katie is mentally ill or lazy or both - bottom line is - it is what it is and three kids are getting drug through it...but somehow she's managed to drag them through it together and never farmed them out so at least they have each other. I guess there's good and bad in all of family struggles.

    I hope she really does well with this new start, I hope they all do. And I hope you get some rest. AND get their junk out of your house. lol.

    Hugs - okay extra hug. HHHHHHHHHHHUGGGGGGG.
  15. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I spoke to katie just a bit ago. Well.....unless she was doing it for the benefit of "little ears", she no longer sounds like she's ready to kick M to the curb. Not surprised.

    However, M can't so much as step a foot on the apartment complex grounds. I'm not shy. We lived in the same apartments, so I know how it works. I asked and she was honest about it. She's still working under the delusion the manager is eventually going to "magically" change their minds about M. I've never known it to happen, so I guess they'll find out for themselves.

    To me the situation is being set up for katie to move forward onto the right path. Much the way as it was the last time. Even without my "meddling" help. So......I'm going to figure it's happening for a reason. At least now I'll be able to visit her and the kids without having to endure M. (a blessing by itself). I'm still too pessimistic to allow myself to hope that katie will suddenly (or even slowly) have an epiphany and suddenly turn her life around. If it happens I'll be thrilled for her. But like you Star......I really think this probably has more to do with the grands than Katie herself. Sure, she's getting the opportunity. But I think it's their chance to have their own home for the first time......and a sense of "normal" and the chance to see that the nightmare they've lived most of their lives is not something they want to repeat for themselves as adults.

    Oh.......and this really isn't working out well for M. Shelter is only letting him stay on until they attempt to "clear" up the felony deal with hud......if hud won't budge (and I really don't see them doing so) he's out on his fanny.

    And I'm almost giddy with knowing their junk will be outta my house soon. :rofl:
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lisa...I would be giddy too. I am searching for any rentals I can find in the "You mean I need an income?" price range here and when I do, I cant wait to get so much junk out of here!
  17. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Janet - Below is how to construct a letter - (with pictures)

    Dear Children:

    We love you, but you have to go. Below I have enclosed choices for you by date. These are not meant to offend you, but to motivate you into obtaining things just like other young men and women your age have been able to obtain with a meager mininum wage job, hard work and sacrifices. This will mean no more manicures, new clothes, dining at fast food restaurants. There is a possibility that you will have to work extra hours, shop at Goodwill Stores and learn to become thrifty and manage your money. Loosely put? Your Father and I want our house, and our freedom back to do as we please in our house, come out of our shower buck naked if we so choose, sit on the sofa and eat cheetos in the buff if that is our pleasure and not ever think twice about leaving the bathroom door open or shut when we so choose. We're old, we've worked all our lives to have these simple pleasures, we want our peace and quiet and honestly? You're cramping our style.

    Here by estimation are what we figure you could have if you both got a small part time job - worked hard, saved your money - and put back for rent, utilities, and a few silly things like furniture, food - so you can have your own things like you like them -

    I swear......I don't have any idea how you are doing this Janet - I think there has to be places to help pregnant women NOT get mani-pedi's and GET a place to live?
  18. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I know how you feel!! years back when I wanted my difficult child to live in his car and hit bottom, his girlfriend's mother (some of you may remember wingnut) put them up in a hotel for weeks, then rented them an apartment. I was so mad that she gave him something I didn't want him to have because I knew in the end it wasn't what he needed, but I also new there was not a thing I could do about it. Didn't make me any less angry though.
  19. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Oh yes. I understand your frustration. When difficult child moved out (at 19) to liive with a guy she'd met online, known for less than a week andonly seen once, I told her she was on her own. She got a friend to pick her up and then pick up the guy 30 miles away, and deposited them on DEX's doorstep 1.5 blocks from here. DEX''s reaction? He made them dinner and then DROVE them to a hotel! He denies letting them use his credit card, but I know neither she nor the dude had one and I know you need one even ifyou don't charge the room. He then ferried them about, having them to dinner, letting them use his car andhis girlfriend even took them apartment hunting. I was furious! This guy was a COMPLETE STRANGER! What kind of dad does this?

    She ran out of money and went back to DEX's , leaivng the guy to fend for himself (he had no job and ended up back with his parents).

    I was furious that they enabled this crazy situation. DEX told her he "didn't approve", and feels that was a siffucient response.

    difficult child now lives the life of Riley at DEX's. She just got a job after 2 months of not working, she works less than 20 hours a week, does not pay rent (his response? "her paycheck goes in her gas tank"), has internet access, a theater room, a cleaning lady AND she spends the night whenever she pleases at the current boyfriend's house.

    Yeah, I hate that she is not experiencing the real world.