Setting back adoption 100 yrs--rant

[Nomad]

Star...I really have enjoyed reading and learning from your posts. The "martian" concept is great.

Wanted to ask though...
You don't think training should be provided on how a family might cope within a society that treats families that are "different" with fear or even disdain?

I know it isn't the perfect analogy, but we found it very hard to explain to difficult child that when people called her "fat" that it was THEIR problem and THEIR issue and to ignore their stupid remarks. In time, she improved...but it still got to her self esteem. Especially during periods of time when it was happening a lot...perhaps 5th through 9th grades. In her case, if someone in class didn't like her, they looked for a difference in her appearance and let her "have it" with both barrels. There were times the teachers didn't even help and I had to intervene. I had to "train" some of them to be sensitive/appropriate/fair/decent. Anyway...there were times I felt that I needed to get some professional advice on how to cope with having a special needs child and the reactions of society to her difference. I had to help her as well. Honestly, it was a real SHOCK/surprise to me that our society is so judgmental...and sometimes beyond that...downright CRUEL. I thought things had IMPROVED.
Anyway...that is where I'm coming from when I say"training," not training on another person's culture.

So...if you are adopting a child of another race, it seems to me that you might encounter difficulties at some point. Your child could very well encounter difficulties and I know if it were me, it would be nice to know how to appropriately cope/handle folks who are mean spirited.

 

[TerryJ2]

They are morons and I think they are being led by a person with some very deep issues.

I agree. Still, they've somehow convinced four national adoption groups to start this whole debate over again. Sigh.
(I love your note, by the way.)

Nomad, definitely, it pays to be prepared. One thing I did learn from classes we were required to take through private adoption (yes, classes!) was to give the child permission to speak for himself when he's old enough (about 3 or 4). For example, if someone walks up and asks, "Why doesn't he look like you?"
You turn to the child (since the intruder has rudely ignored the child and talked to the parent) and empower the child by saying, "Carlos, would you like to answer that?"
If he shakes his head "NO," you turn to the intruder and say, "Well, I guess he doesn't want to talk about it so we'll talk about something else."
People step back and blink but hey, it works.

I think empowering the child that way is far more effective than "teaching" potential parents about a culture that they will never embrace. If they were, wouldn't they have done it b4 even considering adoption?

The only thing I would emphasize is to expose your child to positive role models of that child's heritage, rather than allow Hollywood stereotypes to rule. That means you have to make your own friends and step out into the wider world. And that's just common sense.

 

[Star*]

Nomad -

You are welcome.


As far as trying to teach a child to defend herself against the cruelty in the world? I think that could be helped with a parenting or bullying class. Not a heritage thing. Genetically she could be heavy because obesity runs in her genes - but that isn't the type of heritage they are talking about, and the type that they ARE talking about may be important to a child if they were being raised in a specific ethnic culture on a day to day basis.

To answer your other question. Do I think parents (any parents) need parenting classes? Sure. Why not? Anything new to someone is going to require some amount of knowledge to be successful - but exactly WHAT is it these people want you to understand about your adopted child?

It sounds to me like this group wants to be sure that anyone adopting a child that is not the same race as the child is forced to take a heritage class. Adoption can be complicated and they are further seeking to make it MORE complicated.

If you have parents that are open to adopting any child - then I bet they are open enough to help that child with any questions they would have about their race - which ever one it is. And unless you are a history buff MOST of us (whatever nationalities we are) can't go down through our own history and spout more than a few famous historical figures.

You can teach me about a heritage other than the environment I'm being brought up in, but we all are products of our environment - and unless you're living day in day out in that culture those lessons and ways probably aren't going to make a life-changing impact on you. Like I said - I've been a Martian for nearly 43 years - had they told me at 12 that I was from Neptune I would still behave like a Martian because I was raised in a loving Martian home.

And what gets me the MOST???? This group can't see the forest for the trees, spout how unjust mixed family adoption is but put more effort into further complicating the situation for parents who are WILLING to adopt and GET kids out of foster care when they should be spending their time soliciting those parents that they WANT to have adopt. And if you are pro adoption and anti-foster care, but have a problem with mixed adoptions aren't you really in essence being a bigot yourself? Parents who adopt a child need ALL the help they can get not criticism. Adoptees are WANTED children.

If they are upset because the majority of their race is not adopting, and a different race steps up and says I don't care about color I just want a baby - that should be good enough, they make it sound like it would sorta be better if everyone stopped adopting children that looked nothing like them and left them in foster care with parents who MAYBE looked like them. Want to see something amazing? Just GO to an orphanage and ask the kids who cares what color their parents are. They don't care - they just want a family. ANY family that will love them and give them a little more extra than the love they get in an orphanage. Instead of getting 1% of 15 to 1 odds - they get a Mom or Dad or Both and NOW get 1% of 1 or 1% of 2 - I think orphans are math geniuses.

I may write this group a letter yet. Star

 

[TerryJ2]

Go for it, Star! You have some great points. And write your senator too. They need a heads-up b4 this thing gets made into a bill.

 

[Star*]

Already working on it.