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Seven years later - daughter on another continent - same issues
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<blockquote data-quote="Snow White" data-source="post: 699670" data-attributes="member: 355"><p>Round 2. Four days after the angry rant, she emails again. Of course, I see it right at bedtime and have to read it. I'm sorry it is so lengthy (even after I have removed half of it). Once again, I don't know if I should respond and if so, with just short positive comments?</p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #ff0000"><em>What could I possibly say or do to get you to accept me the way that I am? You see me as someone who needs to be "fixed" or "helped". But I'm not broken. There's nothing wrong with me. I am happy with who I am, and I'm more than good enough. </em><em>You've spent your life trying to label and define me. Attempting to squeeze me into your little box of what you consider "normal." And when I didn't fit into your ideals or your desires? You threatened and manipulated me with therapy, doctors and health care professionals. After years of seeing therapists as an adult, they've confirmed there's nothing wrong with me. But I've spent the past few years talking with people, searching; learning and working to heal from your emotional manipulation. After receiving confirmation from my therapist in Canada before I left, a realization occurred to me. </em></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #ff0000"><em>It's time to acknowledge your own problems and stop pushing your negativity onto me. There is nothing wrong with who I am or who I've become, and there are so many people who love me unconditionally - for all of me - just as I am. Free spirited? Yes. Emotional? Yes. Different? Uh. Yes. The greatest people who ever lived were first ridiculed, judged, and made to believe something was wrong with them because they were different. Then they made history. </em><em>Maybe it's about time you start realising what a tragedy it is that you spent your life trying to subdue a brilliant, and beautiful spirit because you didn't take the time to understand me.</em></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #ff0000"><em>I know WHO and WHAT I am. And your beliefs about me - your opinions of me, is the only thing standing in the way of us having a relationship. If you just accepted me the way that I am, for who I am, and loved me in the way I need to be, then I might feel excited to read your emails. This is a fact. And I'm sorry but it's the truth. I dread receiving or opening an email from you. I dread the thought of writing a response to you. You won't accept me for the person I am. Which is why I've spent my entire life trying to be someone you'd love. Someone you'd accept. Over the past few years I stopped caring what you think - I stopped caring what you want. Because I wasted too much time already. And I deserve to be happy.</em></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #ff0000"><em>I learned that I had to distance myself from you. I could sit here and lay out all of what needs to be said, but the truth is already there. You just won't see it. And honestly? I don't think you ever will. </em></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #ff0000"><em>The best example of someone who loved me for who I truly loved walked into my life when you walked OUT. While you were constantly coming and going - he didn't leave. And he didn't love me from a distance. Neither did the people I've met on this journey. Neither did "O". They went ALL in. Something that you've never known how to do. </em></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #ff0000"><em>You should also know that I will be publishing my first novel over the next few years. And I will write about everything. I already know that you're going to be absent because you only "like" my writing when it has nothing to do with you. But you can't pick and choose how I use my voice - it is my voice, my life, and I will choose how to use it. </em></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #ff0000"><em>If you don't want to be a part of my life, then do us both a favor and make a decision already. Because I don't want to be associated with anyone who doesn't want to be a part of my life. And please don't tell me that "we love you" as if Dad has made any effort. He doesn't call or write. And I don't care what excuse or reason he has, if I didn't go out of my way to call you guys, then I'd never hear from you. So you can stop with the whole "you only write me when you need money." Gimmick. </em></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #ff0000"><em>Everything we do is by our own choice. I'm across the world living my life - finding myself. And you've spent the better half of your life trying to change or fix what isn't broken. Instead of projecting. FIX YOURSELF. Do what makes you happy, Mom.</em></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #ff0000"><em>But there are consequences for some choices. And forgiveness can only do so much. I can only forgive so many times before I start to feel like I'm smacking my head against a wall - I'm tired of headaches. I accept you for who you are. I love you and Dad for the people you are. But I will not tolerate you telling me what you think I should do. </em></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #ff0000"><em>Example; Forcing me to a program/treatments I don't need, and having unrealistic expectations. I will not tolerate this in my life. Family or not. I need to draw a line.</em></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #ff0000"></span></span></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #ff0000"><em>That said, if you'd like to have a relationship with me, some things need to change. I will not respond to manipulative, distant or cold behavior. I will also not beg or plead for someone to be a part of my life. You either want to be a part of my life. Or you don't. There is no in-between.</em></span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="color: #000000">So, 4 days ago she was going to be starving and dead if I didn't send her money or a plane ticket. I would love to be able to have a "relationship" where we could converse about our day. She is probably right in that we have wanted to "fix" her but only in a way that would give her the proper tools she needs to be successful in life. We never wanted to change her spirit or individuality. We do understand her - especially my husband, who has a brain injury and can relate to some of her disabilities. All I told her the last time was that we would no longer be her "bank" or her personal travel agent/problem solver and that she would not be able to live at home. We are not forcing her into treatment - only if she wants to live in our home.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">I'm trying to pick out "truths" from her email but not really sure that there are any - it really seems passive/aggressive. And because it is personal, I'm not able to read between the lines properly. What would you do? </span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Snow White, post: 699670, member: 355"] Round 2. Four days after the angry rant, she emails again. Of course, I see it right at bedtime and have to read it. I'm sorry it is so lengthy (even after I have removed half of it). Once again, I don't know if I should respond and if so, with just short positive comments? [SIZE=3][COLOR=#ff0000][I]What could I possibly say or do to get you to accept me the way that I am? You see me as someone who needs to be "fixed" or "helped". But I'm not broken. There's nothing wrong with me. I am happy with who I am, and I'm more than good enough. [/I][I]You've spent your life trying to label and define me. Attempting to squeeze me into your little box of what you consider "normal." And when I didn't fit into your ideals or your desires? You threatened and manipulated me with therapy, doctors and health care professionals. After years of seeing therapists as an adult, they've confirmed there's nothing wrong with me. But I've spent the past few years talking with people, searching; learning and working to heal from your emotional manipulation. After receiving confirmation from my therapist in Canada before I left, a realization occurred to me. [/I][/COLOR][/SIZE] [COLOR=#ff0000][/COLOR] [SIZE=3][COLOR=#ff0000][I]It's time to acknowledge your own problems and stop pushing your negativity onto me. There is nothing wrong with who I am or who I've become, and there are so many people who love me unconditionally - for all of me - just as I am. Free spirited? Yes. Emotional? Yes. Different? Uh. Yes. The greatest people who ever lived were first ridiculed, judged, and made to believe something was wrong with them because they were different. Then they made history. [/I][I]Maybe it's about time you start realising what a tragedy it is that you spent your life trying to subdue a brilliant, and beautiful spirit because you didn't take the time to understand me.[/I][/COLOR][/SIZE] [COLOR=#ff0000][/COLOR] [SIZE=3][COLOR=#ff0000][I]I know WHO and WHAT I am. And your beliefs about me - your opinions of me, is the only thing standing in the way of us having a relationship. If you just accepted me the way that I am, for who I am, and loved me in the way I need to be, then I might feel excited to read your emails. This is a fact. And I'm sorry but it's the truth. I dread receiving or opening an email from you. I dread the thought of writing a response to you. You won't accept me for the person I am. Which is why I've spent my entire life trying to be someone you'd love. Someone you'd accept. Over the past few years I stopped caring what you think - I stopped caring what you want. Because I wasted too much time already. And I deserve to be happy.[/I][/COLOR][/SIZE] [COLOR=#ff0000][/COLOR] [SIZE=3][COLOR=#ff0000][I]I learned that I had to distance myself from you. I could sit here and lay out all of what needs to be said, but the truth is already there. You just won't see it. And honestly? I don't think you ever will. [/I][/COLOR][/SIZE] [COLOR=#ff0000][/COLOR] [SIZE=3][COLOR=#ff0000][I]The best example of someone who loved me for who I truly loved walked into my life when you walked OUT. While you were constantly coming and going - he didn't leave. And he didn't love me from a distance. Neither did the people I've met on this journey. Neither did "O". They went ALL in. Something that you've never known how to do. [/I][/COLOR][/SIZE] [COLOR=#ff0000][/COLOR] [SIZE=3][COLOR=#ff0000][I]You should also know that I will be publishing my first novel over the next few years. And I will write about everything. I already know that you're going to be absent because you only "like" my writing when it has nothing to do with you. But you can't pick and choose how I use my voice - it is my voice, my life, and I will choose how to use it. [/I][/COLOR][/SIZE] [COLOR=#ff0000][/COLOR] [SIZE=3][COLOR=#ff0000][I]If you don't want to be a part of my life, then do us both a favor and make a decision already. Because I don't want to be associated with anyone who doesn't want to be a part of my life. And please don't tell me that "we love you" as if Dad has made any effort. He doesn't call or write. And I don't care what excuse or reason he has, if I didn't go out of my way to call you guys, then I'd never hear from you. So you can stop with the whole "you only write me when you need money." Gimmick. [/I][/COLOR][/SIZE] [COLOR=#ff0000][/COLOR] [SIZE=3][COLOR=#ff0000][I]Everything we do is by our own choice. I'm across the world living my life - finding myself. And you've spent the better half of your life trying to change or fix what isn't broken. Instead of projecting. FIX YOURSELF. Do what makes you happy, Mom.[/I][/COLOR][/SIZE] [COLOR=#ff0000][/COLOR] [SIZE=3][COLOR=#ff0000][I]But there are consequences for some choices. And forgiveness can only do so much. I can only forgive so many times before I start to feel like I'm smacking my head against a wall - I'm tired of headaches. I accept you for who you are. I love you and Dad for the people you are. But I will not tolerate you telling me what you think I should do. [/I][/COLOR][/SIZE] [COLOR=#ff0000][/COLOR] [SIZE=3][COLOR=#ff0000][I]Example; Forcing me to a program/treatments I don't need, and having unrealistic expectations. I will not tolerate this in my life. Family or not. I need to draw a line.[/I] [I][/I] [I]That said, if you'd like to have a relationship with me, some things need to change. I will not respond to manipulative, distant or cold behavior. I will also not beg or plead for someone to be a part of my life. You either want to be a part of my life. Or you don't. There is no in-between.[/I][/COLOR][/SIZE] [I][COLOR=#ff0000][/COLOR][/I] [COLOR=#000000]So, 4 days ago she was going to be starving and dead if I didn't send her money or a plane ticket. I would love to be able to have a "relationship" where we could converse about our day. She is probably right in that we have wanted to "fix" her but only in a way that would give her the proper tools she needs to be successful in life. We never wanted to change her spirit or individuality. We do understand her - especially my husband, who has a brain injury and can relate to some of her disabilities. All I told her the last time was that we would no longer be her "bank" or her personal travel agent/problem solver and that she would not be able to live at home. We are not forcing her into treatment - only if she wants to live in our home. I'm trying to pick out "truths" from her email but not really sure that there are any - it really seems passive/aggressive. And because it is personal, I'm not able to read between the lines properly. What would you do? [/COLOR] [/QUOTE]
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Seven years later - daughter on another continent - same issues
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