Sewing advice gone bad.

[Shari]

Its no secret c-difficult child's weight concerns me. Has for a while. More so the habits that lead to the weight, but like so many things, I've let it go. The adults in her life have allowed it, there is little to nothing I can do about it. In the summer, when she's with us half the time or more, she loses weight and exercises because of the way we live and eat and because she's with her mom more, who doesn't let her eat anything and everything she wants, as grandma does. As soon as school starts, the weight comes back on.
***
Anyway, I brought the bodice of a dress in to work today. A co-worker and friend also sews. I am making a dress for cultured difficult child, and I wanted this lady's opinion on an idea I had to modify it to accommodate her changing shape. It had nothing to do with the girls weight, other than a way to make a dress that I won't have to remake in a few months. The girl is bound to grow some boobs at some point...ya know?
***
I have talked to this woman before about my concerns about c-difficult child's habits, and this lady, being large herself, always just told me to back off and not judge her and really got onto me for calling c-difficult child fat (which I have not done, but she's a bit defensive, so if I brought up her weight in the past, she'd get angry at me for calling the girl fat).
***
I explained my idea about the bodice to her. She wanted to know why I wanted to make it so flexible, and I said that since c-difficult child has gained 3 pants sizes since December, that I wanted to be sure it would accommodate her if she grew more, and this woman about came unglued. She opened a regular ol' can of whoop-donkey on me about how unhealthy that is, and how we need to be getting her to the doctor. She all but yelled!
***
OMG. I understand her concern, but really, I've been concerned about this child's weight and, moreso, eating and exercise habits for some time now. There's nothing I can do, so I let it go. Why is a drastic weight gain at 12-13 so much more important than the ones at 9, 10, and 11 when she had equally proportionate weight gains...
***
I can't win for losing. I just wanted sewing advice...I gave up on the healthy eating/weight advice long ago!

 

[AnnieO]

Extra material maybe?

I sew, but am better at curtains than anything else. Really. I made Jett a set of pajamas 2 years ago - that somehow still fit - and he adores - and that took me 3 months.

I love to sew, I just don't like patterns. Which is a big issue... LOL!

 

[Shari]

I'm making the skirt and bodice seperate. Making the skirt with an elastic waist. The bodice, instead of a zipper, I'm going to put a large "panel" in the back where the zipper would go, and put in eyelets in the seams where you should sew the zipper so it can be laced to whatever size it needs to be. With the cut of the bodice, I think it will work, and she thought so, too.

When we got back to that....

But if I mentioned c-difficult child's weight for the past 3 years, this woman would jump all over me for calling her fat and being part of the problem. Today, I'm a problem because I'm ignoring her weight.

I give.

 

[ThreeShadows]

Wanna bet your co-worker just got chewed out by her doctor about HER weight?

 

[Shari]

You're quite possibly right. I dunno.

Next time I'll just tell her I want something to fit 3 different people. Or something. lol

 

[Marguerite]

You had a reasonable concern about the bodice that was not connected with weight issues; more connected with the natural changes in shape of a young girl beginning to naturally change her body shape and size. That was all you asked.

As you said, she is jumping on you for calling c-difficult child fat, when you haven't said anything of the sort. Methinks she protesteth too much.

Stop asking her for advice, unfortunately.

I also have a large lady friend who is also an expert seamstress. She WILL deal with an issue like yours, without jumping down someone's throat. Yes, my friend is a bit oversensitive but if I said something like, "I'm worried about easy child's weight gain, it's unhealthy. Plus I need your advice on how to remodel tis dress so it flatters her shape and still accommodates her getting larger all the time," my friend would listen, consider easy child and what I have said and MIGHT offer advice such as "Be careful not to make a big issue of her weight, it would backfire and make her comfort-eat. Believe me, I know that trap. But she would look better if we bring the waist in here but leave a bit more room to drape around her tummy."

My friend is sensitive, but not an idiot about it. Se gets on her soapbox when parents put otherwise healthy CHILDREN on diets; but a family putting everyone on a healthy eating plan is something she applauds. As long as it involves balance, and no actual food restriction, my friend would approve.

She grew up a fat child in a family which hassled her about it and put her on diets very young, and shamed her constantly (because they mistakenly believed that would help her lose weight).

Your co-worker has problems and is projecting onto you. Someone in her life has said the things she is accusing you of saying. She isn't listening to what you really say; instead, she is listening to her memories of what people have said to her, to make her feel bad about herself. She also is not able to learn to change this behaviour which is why she still has problems dealing with other people about tis, as well as ongoing problems with her own weight - until she can really listen to other people, she will never learn to listen to herself. She has become too skilled at re-writing the truth to suit her own thoughts. It's a lot easier to give yourself an excuse to get angry with someone, than to have to really deal with an issue.

Also be aware - she is probably going to other co-workers (or worse, the boss) to accuse you or workplace bullying. If you can, or feel you need to, go ask your boss for advice on tis issue and make it clear - you have not made any accusations, but she seems to get very upset and feel you have said things you know you did not. You don't have to go into details of what about, merely mention that she got upset with you for something she thought you implied about her, and you are concerned that it could have an impact on your good working relationship; does the boss have any experience in helping your co-worker over this sort of hurdle?

Pre-empt. Chances are, others have experienced tis too, but the boss may not realise.

Marg

 

[Shari]

You nailed it, Marg. Her family called her all sorts of names growing up and she knows thats a large part of the reason she stayed heavy, which I knew from several years ago. So I was careful to avoid judgement on the weight when I asked for sewing advice...but oh well. Another lesson learned!

 

[ML]

WARNING MAJOR HIJACK

I understand the part about concerns with weight as you know. Manster just had tests for glucose, lipids, cholesterol etc. He came back at the highest numbers within the normal range so there is still time. We've done everything but lock ALL the cabinets (one of them is). I try to teach him other ways of coping with his emotions but it is a difficult battle and I ALWAYS feel like a failure as a parent. What we have done right is push activity. This summer we finally found something he doesn't hate. Tennis. He's actually getting pretty good. It breaks my heart that he battles this demon. He is so self conscious and won't let anyone see him without a shirt.

Sorry, Shari. This was your thread about sewing advice but I need a venue to vent a little. Thank you! Love, ML

 

[Shari]

Go for it ML. Vent and hijack away.

That is actually how I had talked to this woman previously. She had told me about her weight struggles as a child, so when cgfg started gaining weight, I asked this woman (she is a friend, too) for advice on how to handle it without making cgfg feel bad. As it is, since we only have her for limited time, we're doing about all we can cause I won't make her "diet" or even suggest it. We did succeed in getting her to stop wearing teeny bikinis.

Its so hard. I hate it for kids like yours, that struggle. With cgfg, I truly think just living in a different environment would make the difference. Her mom's family is into computer and video games. That's what they do. We got the kids a wii for Christmas, and since the weather hit 50, they haven't touched it. I don't even know where the remotes are. And that makes me sad for cgfg cause it could be different for her. She's happy going out and being active.

It just stinks all the way around. Weight is a terrible demon to fight.

 

[ML]

She's lucky that she has you to show her another way to live. I think that will definitely pay off for her in the end. Hang in there Shari

 

[Shari]

Thanks, ML. You, too. We are going to have to watch Wee, as he's a "bored" eater. The good thing is that he's rarely bored, but if you do get him to sit, its highly likely he'll want to eat. He's gained weight this winter. I just try not to keep "junk" around...

When difficult child 1 was still here, we hid food everywhere so he wouldn't eat it. And he was skinny as a rail, but he'd eat everything just for something to do.

 

[ML]

We had a talk last night. I have extremely little junk around too, but we do have the occasional cinammon roll. I made for for breakfast yesterday when manster was at his dad's. Well what husband and my stepsons who came over didn't eat was put in a plastic bag. I should have hidden it I guess because guess who found it later when I wasn't looking. I told him he has to take ownership. He asks for my help and then begs for me to let him have something. Mostly it's good stuff but even another banana or weight watchers fudge pop adds up. I told him I can't follow him around 24/7, it's his body and he has to want it too. Like I said earlier, the good thing is that he's being much more active this summer but it's 90 percent nutrition. Sigh. We do what we can.

 

[Shari]

Its great that he's found something he likes to be out doing. That's a huge step in the right direction, in my humble opinion.

 

[Shari]

And I got cgfg's dress done, complete with modifications that I think will make it last a while. And it looks fine. Yay!