sexuality and difficult children

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by compassion, Jan 16, 2009.

  1. compassion

    compassion Member

    A few days ago, my difficult child's bestfrend who is easy child, 17 never used substances or kissed a boy was talking to my difficult child,15 done all the above and much more . The mom (who is a recoveering substance abuser) was very upset that my difficult child had had sex. Curretnly my difficult child is banned from their homoe and seeing and talking to easy child. Theya re texting. They were also upset as my difficult child is anoucing she wants this boyfriend who is 19. I am concerned too. Many might be all talk. My difficult child goes after stuff taht is dangerous, in my opinion. Last week she annoucned she had a boyfriend and when she told me I said no, friends are fine that is inapproperiate. Two days later she is seeing them as she wen tto the community college where easy child attends school and saw him there even though difficult child was supppossed to be doing her community service at that time. She is goig through pain over this. I am trying to show her that this is a part of her bipolar (ran away ans was not takign medications) and she was dringking and using.

    i asked her, what is a boyfiend to you. Her first repsonse was someone to show off. comments/advice welcome.
    As her mom, I want her to foucs on being stabilized/sober. She is attracted to situations way,way over her head to deal with.

    I try to talk to her but she seems to have in her mind that this is fun, and fine. Thanks for listening and sharing. Compassion
  2. compassion

    compassion Member

    oops this was meant for general. Compassion
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Personally, compassion, I think you have made exhaustive measures to make your daughter do what you want regarding becoming stable, staying off drugs, spending time doing constructive things, etc. But, I think you need to remind yourself that it will never change until she wants that for herself and if you are controling everything she does, then she's probably going to be more focused on how to get around that than on how to make better choices for herself. You could go on like this until she's 18yo- then what?
  4. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Hi Compassion. I understand where you are coming from completely. I have to agree with klmno, you have been following my posts so you see what I have gone through with my difficult child. I have tried so hard to keep my daughter on the right track and no matter what I do she does what she wants anyway!!! There is only so much we can do. Unfortunately we cannot control them. Stability can only come from them. When they were young it was easy, they took their medications and went to treatment because we made them. Once they hit that puberty age it really has to be what they want or it isn't going to work. I can so empathize with you. It is so hard to watch your child make horrible decisions and not be able to do anything to change them.

    Hang in there girl.

  5. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    This must be so hard on you!...and I think I know just how you feel as I watch my own difficult child (who is only 13) throw herself at every boy she meets! To me...she says she's never had a boyfriend--but in notes that I've found in her backpack...she lists dozens of boyfriends. Like you say--this may be all talk...but really, who knows? And with kids as young as 10 and 11 years old engaging in sexual behaviors as a way to gain approval--I can't help but worry what might be happening at school with these so-called "boyfriends".

    I know that as parents, we cannot make our children's decisions for them...but it would be nice if we could help steer them clear of terrible mistakes. They have so little clue of the possible serious and life-altering consequences...

    :( So no advice tonight--but I definitely udnerstand where you are coming from.

  6. ML

    ML Guest

    I agree that you are doing the best you can. Keep doing what you are doing, making sure to take care of yourself. Alanon can be a helpful tool for detachment as the kids grow up and more of their choices start to become out of our (limited to begin with) control. Hang in there. Hugs, ML
  7. compassion

    compassion Member

    I think it is about reinforcing respect. I love you. You deverve to be treated well. Modeling thoise things. That is waht I can do. I can keep reinforcing health.
    Some of this is her illness, especially in hypomanic and manic phases. I need to reinforce,support and encorage her high self esteem and respect.

    It is about loving firm education minus shame ;to reenforce the appropriate.

    One of my fav books : Survival Stategies for Parenting Children with Bipolar says bipolarteens are eapecially vulnerable to the danger factors of experimental,spontaneous and anonymous. So, I keep reinforcing committment,known,planned, and safe. The author states there may be a manipulative and deliberate quality to inappropriate sexual behavior. Bipolar teens may quickly get a rep for promiscuity.
  8. compassion

    compassion Member

    Another fav book of mine is What Works for Bipolar Kids. The author states that only 1.1% of bipolar kids have history of sexual abuse. Nearly half of bipolar kids express traits of hypersexuality.They exhibit poor judgement and take excessive risks. Provocative behavior leads to sexual behavior which can have painful consequences.

    The author emphasizes that it is important to address this issue when coaching and teaching your child. It is vital to teach ways of dealing with dissapointment, healthy forms of approval seeking with a heavy emphasis on self approval and healhy ways to seek attentiion. It is important to establish the boundaries of accetable and unacceptable behavior to provide a steady set of values when the mania hits.

    I try and reenforce good judgement, to set boundaries so that there is anet and guidance around excessive risks. Dealing with the kind of messages provocative behavior sends and the painful consequences. I try to keep the focus on her, to deal with hurt and dissopointment by owning it with I messages. It is about inner self approvala and self esteem. She has trouble taking in the positive. Her coach keeps raving how she is the best and she has trouble owning that. Healthy ways to seek attention include sharing interests like guitar playing. She needs very clear cut: It is unaccetable for a 19 year old to date a 15 year old. Spontaneous,experimental, and anonmympus choices lead to pain, embarrment,regret.
    She did see her friend last night. A group went to the movies. i am reinforcing odat:you are not choosing high risk,spontanaeity,and experimental today.
  9. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    I agree with KLMNO 100%. You can drive yourself to exhaustion and try to control every aspect of your dtr's life but it won't make any difference unless she is doing it for herself and her own reasons. I don't know if your dtr is defiant or oppositional but mine was and it gave her great pleasure to do unhealthy things just to defy me. I ended up putting her in a lockdown Residential Treatment Center (RTC) because she was so unsafe at home. It really wasn't til she was 18 and left home and could control her own life that she decided she wanted to do better.

    Good luck--
  10. Anaheimfan

    Anaheimfan Blue Collar Boy

    I echo Daisy's statement in that you can't make your children's decisions for them, and that some, if not most children have little clues about the consequences they could wind up facing.

    It's almost like the whole self-respect thing we were discussing in another thread.

    You're doing the best that you can, and I applaud you for it. Have you told her why her relationship is inappropriate?

    Maybe a lot of it is just attention-seeking behavior and all talk, maybe it isn't. In any case, you are doing a good job at steering her clear of the dangerous, bad things in life.

    I wish I could offer something more useful to you.

  11. compassion

    compassion Member

    Anaheim fan, I told her it ws inappropriate becasue in this state it is agianst the law. That does not phase her at all. She ahs a condcut disorder. That is why I am focusing on the self esteem, the self respect and encouraging her to do things wiht knwon,safe, people and edsperiment inother ways (the hair dying/the pirecing). Tonight she is doing a bon fire. I called the mom and it is really happening:) She is going to a club tomorrw to see 6 bands and Monday goign to see Bloody Valentine in 3D. She is having a freind sleep over the next two nights.