Shadow Daughter

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
I have not seen or spoken
with
Rain since the last incident at my home.
January 15th.
It was an ugly dark moment
of many, many.

Many.

This evening, after class, I got a text from Hoku.

"At the hospital with Rain"

The sentence lifts off of my screen
a strangling
soul tourniquet.

My heart skips a beat.
I reply and wait.

The night is cold and black,
strong gusts bend trees that moan and
cry out from the mountain ridge
surround,
surreal,
cascading through the valley
echoes of shadow sounds through my open window.

The answer comes.

It is the same story, this guy, released from jail....beat her, police report made......
I wait, I pray,
I do not go to the hospital.
I do not know what to say, or do.
Howling winds
swirl.

Time stands still,
yet the clock ticks
mocking me.
"You are her mother."

Everything I say or do is taken the wrong way.
Rejected.
Words, torn to shreds.
Her
narrowed eyes, hate filled, angry.

She is my first born.

I wait.
The clock hand moves.
Slowly.
I am frozen.
Thoughts racing
head and heart
aching
I contemplate going to the hospital.

Another text.

The hospital released her.

Another text,
Hoku is besides herself.
I call.......
She is bewildered,
as am I.

Rain would not go anywhere else,
but the darkened area where she was staying.

Her home, the street.


Hoku is upset.
Voice trembling....
"The guy was there."
Rain opened the car door
slipped into the shadows,
reappeared
and introduced this guy,
as if....nothing.

Hoku finished her lament,
then softly said, voice quivering.

"Rain said she just needed a hug from you."

I tried to wrap my head around those words
that shivered up my spine
then drifted on the heavy air.
I
breathe
them in
and
time stopped,
between
mournful
silent
sobs.
I swallowed my sorrow,
stomach churning.
The last memory of her
in my mind,
turning
over and again.
Up close in my face
swearing,
threatening,
jeering.

My first born.
Shadow daughter.

I am left feeling bereft, unable to sleep.
I did not go to the hospital.

I pray.
Please God, watch over her,
help her to get off the streets,
out of the shadows, into the light.

An icy gust permeated through the house.
I shudder.
Mind shattered
heart torn.
I did not go to the hospital.

"What is the matter with you?"
my former self demands.

Has my heart
grown as cold as the winds?

She is my first born.
My shadow daughter
and I

I am her shadow mother.

leafy
 

Albatross

Well-Known Member
Oh Leafy. I'm so sorry for your pain. I'm so sorry for yet another yank on your heart, after she pushed you away so forcefully just a short time ago.

You are today the person she wanted a hug from. Not long ago, you were the object of her contempt, the person who *got* to be the mother of an addict. Sadly, you are already or soon will be someone else to her.

This is her addiction talking, Leafy. It is like Alzheimer disease of the soul, the plaques and damage causing random firings of contempt and affection rooted in what she thinks she needs in this moment. She can't see you "whole," only the parts she wants right now, filtered through her confusion and grief and anger over what her life has become.

I am so very sorry. I'm so sorry she went back to him, to that life. I pray she finds her way out somehow.
 

so ready to live

Active Member
Albatross, you stated so intuitively what I could only think. It is the repeated "sting of the slap", whether an abusive encounter or a request for a hug. There is no logic to those of us who are the objects of addiction's selfish desires. How can one possibly understand? How many times have I said "I just don't get it"? Leafy, today just know you are held.
 

CrazyinVA

Well-Known Member
Staff member
This is both heartbreaking, and beautiful. I hope writing it helped process the pain. I get it, believe me. Thinking of you.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
So sorry Leafy :(
You are such a strong and wise woman
You have to take care of you
I cannot even imagine

Have you ever thought about having your writing published? I think you should have that post published as a poem; it so well reflects so many emotions that so many can relate to.

Silver linings:fog:
 

InsaneCdn

Well-Known Member
Leafy, it is really hard to have to split your feelings, because your daughter is split. On one side, deep inside, is the real person. Who is now wrapped in layers of addiction and whatever else. You love the real person. You have the addict. Both feelings are right. It's just ... not something any parent should have to go through.
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Leafy- I am so sorry for your pain, I weep the tears of one who knows. May God watch over her and especially you. There are no words for this.....
Thank you Soready. I am slowly thawing out.
Trying to process my paralysis as well as Rains choices. I think the old heart can't take much more. I do love her so, but am so very tired......thank you for your kindness and caring.

leafy
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Oh Leafy. I'm so sorry for your pain. I'm so sorry for yet another yank on your heart, after she pushed you away so forcefully just a short time ago.
Thank you Albatross. I am more in shock from my inability to move. Also, that my youngest girl was the one called and manipulated.
Her sister hit her up for money, cigarettes, tugged at her heart strings. Then had her shake this mans hand. Hoku was repulsed. I am upset at myself for not going and being there for her support.....
This is her addiction talking, Leafy. It is like Alzheimer disease of the soul, the plaques and damage causing random firings of contempt and affection rooted in what she thinks she needs in this moment. She can't see you "whole," only the parts she wants right now, filtered through her confusion and grief and anger over what her life has become.
Your words are true, and I can't seem to piece meal myself out for my daughter anymore.
I am so very sorry. I'm so sorry she went back to him, to that life. I pray she finds her way out somehow.
I pray the same, thank you Albie. It is as if she wants to be rescued, but when people try to help she gets angry. I know she is in there underneath it all.

leafy
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
I get it, believe me. Thinking of you.
Crazy, I am a little bit better, on my lunch break, trying to breathe before I go back to work. I am learning that addicts go to Ers with stories of abuse to get pain medications. It is horrifying.

Thank you for your kindness
leafy
 

okie girl

Well-Known Member
Leafy.....my heart goes out to you. They always find a way to make us feel guilty. I know how tiring this is. Please turn her back over to God. Doing this has given me so much comfort. God's got this....take good care of yourself dear leafy.....you are stronger than you think....(((hugs)))
 

TheWalrus

I Am The Walrus
Shadow Daughter
Shadow Mother

What a sadly beautiful and heartbreakingly honest way to phrase your relationship. It resonated with me and my situation with my daughter that I wrote it in my journal.
 

Kalahou

Well-Known Member
So sorry, dear Tita,
Onipa`a ....
Umi ia inui ke aho ...
(Press hard and take a long breath)

Leaf, your flow of words ~ Haku mele you! You had another thread elsewhere about "the power in thoughts". There is truly also "power in words". Your words are makana makamae and life giving. As with thoughts, ... words sent out also do not return void but accomplish the purpose to which they are sent. May you reap your return.

Experiencing also the strong gusts and howling winds, echoes through the valley and moaning trees last night, I deeply sensed your frozen despair and also your strength and peace that passes understanding.

Remember, there must be light in order to have a shadow. So as you portrayed your shadow selves with this experience, I hold high the vision that both you and Rain are in the Light and Love, since the shadow cannot even be seen unless we first have light shining on the object. And also bless your younger girl, shining as "Hoku" , a sparkle in the dark.

You know we all understand here and are all learning together, like-minded, holding each other up.
Pule me ka mahalo ke akua. Sweet dreams, dear. Bless.
Tomorrow is ka la hou.
 
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I'm so very sorry for what you are going through.

I'm exhausted too.

I'll pray for you and your shadow daughter.

Beautiful poem I am sure resonates with all of us.

Know you are being thought about.
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
So sorry Leafy :(
You are such a strong and wise woman
You have to take care of you
I cannot even imagine

Have you ever thought about having your writing published? I think you should have that post published as a poem; it so well reflects so many emotions that so many can relate to.

Silver linings:fog:
RN, not feeling so strong and wise, but thank you :redface:. It is a hard road we are all traveling.
I was just thinking the other day, that I was starting to feel my old self again, at the same time a little warning popped up in my head "This is usually when the rug gets pulled from under me."
I have learned much from being here on CD, that is where any strength comes from, the kindness and support here.
As for publishing, well.....thank you for that, it just is something I do to try to get it all out. So much going on in my heart........ thank you RN, you are strong and wise yourself......thank you for being you.

leafy
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
You love the real person. You have the addict. Both feelings are right. It's just ... not something any parent should have to go through.
Insane, as always so well put. I hope with all of my heart that Rain will begin to see her full potential and rise above this. She has it in her, I know she does.

Thank you so much for your encouragement
(((HUGS)))
leafy
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Leafy.....my heart goes out to you. They always find a way to make us feel guilty. I know how tiring this is. Please turn her back over to God. Doing this has given me so much comfort. God's got this....take good care of yourself dear leafy.....you are stronger than you think.
It is so tiring, Okie. Yes, I have been working on praying that God continue to watch over Rain and ease my dismay. I know it is way more than I can handle. What I have to realize is I need to be patient. I need to hold on to faith that the good things that we instilled in our children are still there, but they need to find their way.
Thank you Okie
I am feeling much better.

(((HUGS)))
leafy
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
So sorry, dear Tita,
Onipa`a ....
Umi ia inui ke aho ...
(Press hard and take a long breath)
Mahalo nui Kalahou. I learned in class tonight about the respiratory system. Another word for inhalation is inspiration. It gives a whole new meaning to breathing. Breathing in the good air, being thankful for what I have. Remaining present, in spite of worries and concerns, for my two, giving those to God and keeping faith that no matter how rough the road may be, there is an answer.
Remember, there must be light in order to have a shadow. So as you portrayed your shadow selves with this experience, I hold high the vision that both you and Rain are in the Light and Love, since the shadow cannot even be seen unless we first have light shining on the object. And also bless your younger girl, shining as "Hoku" , a sparkle in the dark.
The darkest night reveals the brightest stars........I spoke with Hoku this afternoon, and though she is troubled, she shared some of her conversation with Rain. I do believe things happen as they will, for a reason. My youngest and eldest girl together in this moment was difficult for both. Hoku was able to speak a few words of encouragement and truth. Things that I would not be able to convey to Rain, she would not hear them from me. In this I am comforted that the sisters together last night is what was meant.
Hoku longs for her sisters to be well and for us to be able to come together as family.

Though I am but a shadow mother to Rain, I am not giving up hope that she will decide one day, to walk another path. I send out thoughts and prayers for her to see her value and worth, and choose on that merit. I am a shadow mother, in that in her darkest night, I am here holding the candle of hope.

Thank you Kalahou, your words are a great comfort, as I take in a long breath and press on for a new day.

Malama pono
(((HUGS)))
leafy
 

pasajes4

Well-Known Member
Our children seem to have a sixth sense when it comes to our emotional health. Just when we are getting to a good place in detaching from their drama, BAM we get the dreaded phone call. SUCK and we start to spiral into that dark, tight, soul crushing hell.
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Shadow Daughter
Shadow Mother

What a sadly beautiful and heartbreakingly honest way to phrase your relationship. It resonated with me and my situation with my daughter that I wrote it in my journal.
Walrus, so brave and strong you are. We are kindred spirits, all of us here. No one knows why things are as they are. I am impatient and wish for peace, but I have to remember this is not my timeframe. Hoku wondered what rock bottom looks like, when will her sister realize there is much more to life. I am reminding myself that I need to be careful, not to ride the roller coaster, be drawn in to the pit of despair. I have spent too much time there. I will hold on to hope, and be thankful for the beautiful times I spent with Rain. Deep down, that girl I remember is still there. I love her and hope for her to know her true meaning. She is but a shadow of herself now, but I pray for her to see the light, and choose to go in that direction towards finding her purpose.
Thank you Walrus
(((Hugs)))
leafy
 
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