She has got to GO!!!!

[klmno]

Bran, I have read this and your thread on the WC. I am so sorry that you are having such a rough time- and I'm sorry that I haven't kept up with reading about others' lives on the board lately. You are in my thoughts and prayers. You are a very strong person to be hanging in there and managing things the best you can, but I believe you are doing the right thing- that doesn't mean she has to stay at home- I mean you are hanging in there by dealing with all this, even if it means getting her to a more secure place or whatever. I don't know how you are dealing with all you have on your shoulders.

 

[janebrain]

Hi Bran,
I think it is a great idea to keep track of all this and present it to the TASK force on Friday. You are right, there is no such thing as "emancipation" in NY state. I hope your dtr voluntarily leaves your house when she is 18 (if the TASK force just lets her remain in your home til then). Then quick change the locks and don't let her back in. I remember when our dtr left the state (she was 18) and we saw a lawyer to find out our rights and responsibilities. He said, "pray she stays in New England til she is 21". He said emancipation of an 18-21 yr old could only happen with the child's initiative or if the child leaves the state. And if she came back to the state we were again responsible for her.

She did come back to NY but did not want to live by our rules so I was able to kick her out and since it was her choice to not live by our rules we were not considered responsible for her. Of course she couldn't get any social services benefits either but she and the boyfriend managed to survive. She left the state again at age 19 and will be 21 in May so we are almost off the hook now regardless of what she does.

Keep us updated, I really feel for you!

Jane

 

[CrazyinVA]

Wow, I can't believe you can't press charges. I mean, if she did that to another KID they'd file charges, right? Domestic dispute or not.. if a husband assaults his wife, it's domestic, but he STILL has charges pressed against him, right? I just don't get it. No wonder you argued with the cop, I would have, too!

Many hugs. I think the suggestion of telling the TASK person about what's going on is a good one.

 

[bran155]

Thank you guys.

She didn't come home last night. She called at about 1 am and said she was sleeping out. I explained to her that she is way past her COURT given curfew and needs to come home. She argued and said that she wasn't. Okay. She came home this morning after my sister unlocked the door to drive my nephew to school. I was upstairs getting my son ready for school and she snuck in, I didn't even hear her walk in the door. She slept most of the day. When she did wake up she went into the nasty bathroom and got ready. She was telling me that she was leaving until Sunday. I told her she had to stay here until she is 18, then she is more than free to go. She tried very hard to bait me into an all out fight but I resisted by giving her funny sarcastic remarks instead. She put her coat on and left. Good bye!!!!

There is no question that she will be leaving when she is 18. I think she will go on her own. She doesn't want to follow any rules. I hope she does go on her own. But I do feel strong enough at this point to put her out. She just has zero respect for any of us and we are all so tired of her. I am sick of being cursed at by her. Then she turns around and asks for things. She is unbelievable. She truly feels so entitled. She feels as though we are all supposed to do what she wants so that the day will go smoothly. The other night. She was trying to get into my sister's apartment because I was down there and she wanted the phone. I was using it. I locked the door, she stood in the hallway cursing at both me and my sister, banging on the door demanding the phone. She called us every name in the book and then some. Really horrible things. Then she said that we should know that she has problems and we should do our best to help her out, if we give her the phone then she will calm down. UUURRRGGGHHH!!!!

The difference in my life is not her, it's me. I have detached to the point that I just do not allow her to hurt me anymore. It is very stressful to live this way but I am no longer falling apart because of it. I really can't stand her anymore. I no longer want to help her. I no longer have the drive to fight for her, my drive is now to shield the rest of us from her.

Crazy,
Isn't that nuts? That's exactly what I said to the cop, if she hit someone else in the face she would be arrested, why is it that she can hit me and get away with it. Of course they didn't really have an answer for that!!!!

Janna,
I with ya, I just don't give a s**t anymore either!!!

Jane,
What is up with the empire state? They just couldn't give us that out, hu???

Klmno,
Thank you hun. Truthfully I don't know how I am doing this either. With all that is going on I am just taking it one day at a time. And today is a really good day. I feel pretty good today. So far anyway. It's only 3:30 in the afternoon though, anything could happen. lol I hope you are doing okay!!!

Marg and Terry,
Watch that calendar because we are going to have a cyber party on the 16th!!!! lol

Susie,
I love that idea, you bring the drinks to the party!!! lol

Shawna

 

[bran155]

Add on to the post right below this one.

Well, she left. She packed a bag and left. I was getting my nails done, my husband called and said that B was packing a bag and leaving until Sunday. He told her that she couldn't do that because of court. She threw a fit and told him she didn't care. He told her to go ahead, the only one who would suffer for this decision is you. He told her she was going to go right back to jail. He was doing homework with my son at the time. She went in the room and began cursing, ranting and raving so he shut the door. She opened it and said "You are f*****g lucky you didn't slam that door in my face cause I would have f****d you up".

This kid is never going to learn. I called her from the salon and explained to her that this was her choice but she will end up back in jail if she leaves. She has an appointment on Friday to meet with her TASK officer. I told her if she misses her first appointment with TASK she is done for. The TASK officer will report that ASAP to the judge and he will issue another warrant for her. I told her to call me later. I couldn't really discuss this as I was getting my nails buffed!!!! So we'll see if she calls. I am not going to worry about it. This is her choice and the consequences will be hers as well.

I'll keep you posted.

 

[klmno]

Try to hang on until Friday. Or- can you call someone and report her now- someone who will do something? I would be livid and you and husband don't need this. She isn't even trying to help herself.

 

[KTMom91]

Sending hugs, strength, prayers, and peaceful quiet.

Do your nails look nice?

 

[bran155]

My nails look really good!!! lol

I am going to call the DA tomorrow, really just to cover my butt. I do not want to be held responsible for her. This just proves that they should have never let her go!!! She did the exact same thing the first time they let her go. The only difference this time is that she didn't punch me in the face. But she has been extremely verbally abusive. They gave her TWO chances and she now has squandered both of them. (as I knew she would) How many more chances are they going to give her before they realize she needs to be housed somewhere???

 

[klmno]

Given what I've recently gone thru- I'd suggest putting it in writing and pointing out that she needs a more secure environment to keep her under control and staff to make her take her medications. It really seemed to go a long way in my son's situation- and it covers you plus in a way, covers your child while still letting them know that she can't handle the freedoms of a typical household at this time. And make several copies of that letter.

 

[bran155]

klmno, why on earth didn't I think of that??? Duh!!! I have been following all of your posts yet it truly never dawned on me to write a letter to the judge. That would be better than a phone call to the DA for sure!!! Thanks.

 

[klmno]

I wrote a letter and took it down there to save time- then instead of trying to get a letter to a judge (which can be seen as trying to prejudice a judge), I took it to a clerk and stressed the importance and she helped me (after the second try) to put a miscelleneous motion into the judge to hear the case. I attached the letter to the form for the motion. I didn't walk away from the clerk until I saw her staple my letter to the form. I've learned a couple of things the hard way. Make sure you put her diagnosis in the letter and specific concerns- self-harm, substance abuse, pregnancy, whatever. If you are still legally responsible, than you have to take action. If they want to blow it off because she's old enough to take care of herself, then you shouldn't be responsible for her.

 

[Marguerite]

I endorse the personal delivery route. Also keep your own copy. And if you REALLY want to be canny, get the clerk who accepts delivery of your letter, to initial and date your copy of the letter (for you to take home and keep on file) as acknolwedgement of receipt of your communication. Then take your copy home and scan it, then file it. That way if you lose the hard copy (or your house burns down, heaven forbid) then you still have a computer copy.

Also the standard letter-writing advice - try to keep to less than a page and state the basics. If necessary, add more details in an appendix and just keep your main letter to stating the problem and what you want done about it.

"Dear sir, my daughter is an unmedicated bipolar who is increasingly coming to the attention of the court system. Her history is in the attachments. She recently was discharged to my care against our wishes and in the care of TASK. Despite being repeatedly verbally warned of the requirements poaced on her, she left our home yesterday informing us of her intention to remain away from home until Sunday. We reminded her of the Friday meeting with TASK and her abusive response was '...' . What I would like the court system to do is to please help us get her the psychiatric help she needs. She will be 18 on xx/xx/xx."
Or words to that effect. You probably already know better than I do, what you need/want where she is concerned and what the system should be able to do for you.

Marg

 

[rejectedmom]

Bran, No need to keep repeating yourself. She heard you the first time. She is just trying to get you to react. Ignore her let her leave and then report her. I went through exactly the same kind of abuse you are going through. First with my difficult child daughter who we finally put out when she threw a water glass at my head and then a few years later with my difficult child son who ended up breaking my rib. It was only then that all the professionals said that I should have him arrested. Prior to that he had thrown things at me, stole from me, trashed the house, broke all our electronics, shoplifted, got drunk and disordly under aged, punched husband repeatedly on several occasions, and the list goes on and on. We couldn't control him and no one would help. When he did break my rib the cop came in and said "You don't look very hurt, what did you do to him?" (I was sitting on the floor painting woodwork when he kicked me. He was raging because he wanted to go to a party and he was on probation and court ordered curfew and I told him to sit down and we would discuss it like adults) I just never understand why they think these abusive children are the victims instead of the other way around.

Fortunately for me and husband by the time difficult child 2 got to his eighteenth birthday we were living in a state where we could put him out and into a group home. difficult child 1 we had to be responsible for until she turned 21 and then there were no services unless she wanted them so we had to pay for an apartment and most of her support for another year until she got a job.

Both of them almost destroyed us financially and both of them kept us living in fear for years before we could be free of the daily abuse. I would often have to choose between my possessions and my sanity because if I left they would destroy my possessions but if I stayed they would continue to abuse me. A rock and a hard place. I can never go back there and sometimes I think that I am the only one who knows and remembers how it really was. All I can say is that I will most likely go to heaven because I have already been to hell and back again. I'm sure I'll see you and many other board members there (heaven) for the same reason.

As far as the letter to the judge goes it did help us but not until difficult child went to court. Then the judge read our letter and his psychiatric history and the recommendations for a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) by his therapist. She ordered him into the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for 18 months. Unfortunately he ran away and ended up in jail anyway.

I'm hoping your daughter will get the help she needs and accept it and thus turn herself around. Sending you many (((((hugs))))) -RM

 

[Steely]

Bran, just chiming in late here to let you know I am sending you all of the positive thoughts I can!!!

Lot's of people here have mentioned great ideas......
Personally I might also, 'conveniently', take a 10 day vacation to the Bahamas until she turns 18.
God help you. As Marg said, she is in an alien's body, which is so sad. Yet, there is absolutely nothing you can do that you are not already doing. She will have to be the one to find the help from this point forward.

Many, many hugs.
Steely.

 

[bran155]

Thank you so much for the support and advice.

RM, Your post gave me the goosebumps and teary eyes!!! You have been through it - hu? I am so sorry that you had to live that way for so long. These kids really put us all through the ringer!!!

I am going to stop by the courthouse tomorrow with my letter. I am going to copy what Marg said verbatim. Thanks Marg!!! I will hand deliver it. She has court on Monday, she will be going alone as I have a doctor's appointment. that I cannot reschedule because they have nothing until April. Her sw can't make it either. She is a big girl and she will face the judge alone!!!

She came home this morning. She was afraid to miss the TASK meeting tomorrow. I told her that her coming and going when she felt like it was not acceptable, she has to leave when she turns 18. I got her standard remarks, "I am, I don't want to live with you anyway, go ahead and rat me out b***h, I don't care......yada yada yada" You can imagine the rest.

So we'll see how the meeting goes tomorrow.

Thank you all so much for all of the support you have given me. It really does mean the world to me!!!

Shawna

 

[Marguerite]

Shawna, don't copy what I said exactly. Customise it to the specific situation and the terminology that will work best for your court system. Otherwise - go for it!

Marg

 

[bran155]

Marg,

What you said actually does work for my situation!! lol I will add some stuff though.