She hid in the closet tonight

[tiredmommy]

This is long... I apologize. I'm a little too fried to pare it down.

Duckie has been running hot & cold for the last month, since she was put on a steroid for a few days. She's been trying hard but has been rather demanding and self-centered. It's pretty typical behavior in an 8 year old only child but it has been nearly non-stop.

She crossed my line today.

She had a half day of school and I have a ton of projects that I'm working on. She kept interrupting me when she got home. I told we had errands to do, she said she'd rather have a play date but I told her I just couldn't makes the calls, etc because we were already running late. She pouted, but accepted it pretty well overall.

Then she lucked out: a friend called & invited her over. I let her go because, frankly, it would be easier on me. So I went about my errands which, except for gassing up my car, were all for her benefit. Stuff for the church Christmas play, stuff for the school Thanksgiving celebration and (since she wasn't with me) a Christmas gift.

I picked her up at friend's and told her we needed to hurry to get to her gymnastics class on time. Friend and Duckie started talking sleepover. I said maybe but not until I spoke to husband to verify he had no plans.

So I'm talking to the other parents at the end of gymnastics class and she comes out, interrupts us and demands to know if I had spoken to husband. No, I was waiting until he gets home. She's none too pleased.

She kept at me while I was making dinner. I told her stop asking me or she wouldn't be allowed to go. Period. I was developing a horrid headache by this point.

She immediately jumped on husband the moment he walked through the door. He said she could go, that he didn't have any special plans for us tonight. I called the cell of friend's dad and left a message (it was dinner time, about 5:30pm). Duckie asked me to call again at least three times in fifteen minutes. :madone: I told her I'd call back if we hadn't heard back at 6:30.

We ate dinner.

I sat down in the living room to watch a few minutes of the local news at 6:20 and she says: "Mom, it's almost 6:30...".

I told her to leave me alone... that I deserved a few minutes of peace and I was tired of hearing about what she wants constantly. She actually laughed at me! I stood up and walked away because I couldn't trust myself to stay within arm's reach of her.

So I went downstairs for a few minutes to cool down. Then I came upstairs and told that I would not be taking her to the sleepover because she's just so disrespectful and demanding. I told her she was welcome to figure out another way to get there and pack herself but I was done with it. Then I walked into my bedroom and closed the door. I could hear her immediately go after husband to get him to help her, but she needed to know the phone # to confirm first.

husband didn't know the number; he came in and asked me and I said "no" because my daughter doesn't appreciate me enough to treat me respectfully.

That's when the crying started; sobbing actually. I let her go about 15 minutes and came out. She was hiding in her closet but still crying loudly and sobbing about how unfair life is. So I open the door and she immediately says "I'm sorry!" "Nope, not good enough this time. I've been talking to you nearly everyday about this for a month and no improvement. So now you're sorry because you aren't getting your way. Not good enough." So she ran the gamut of pleading and accusing, even threatening. She tried to blackmail me (I won't trust you ever again... I won't love you... etc.).

And then she finally accepted that her behavior has been over the top. That it's wrong to be so demanding and wrong to have laughed at me. And she said that she understood why I was upset and she would have been hurt and upset too if our places had been reversed. She came out of the closet and we made up.

And I gave husband the phone number.

 

[Fran]

Intense evening. Glad you both made up.

 

[busywend]

Sounds like a rough day. Glad you both were able to talk it out. The begging and pleading comes with the age. Can't blame her for trying. It sounds like she made the effort to put herself in your shoes! Amazing!

I hope she was able to go on her sleepover so you could have some adult time.

 

[susiestar]

Sometimes I think sleepovers are an awesome invention because they give parents a break!

I am sorry the evening was so difficult. I am sending a cyber head and neck massage to help with the headache.

Putting herself in your shoes at the end was a pretty big step. Progress is slow, but seems to be happening.

I hope you won't have the over-tired sleepover-is-over brattiness that Jess always came home with.

 

[wakeupcall]

When I hear someone write things like this I can't help but put ourselves into the situation. We deal with this type of thing every single day (though so far he's not sitting in the closet).....and difficult child is 14. I DO believe we are becoming so accustomed to his behavior that it's the norm for us, yet totally unacceptable in the real world.

TM, I think you do a wonderful job with your difficult child. She's learning each and every step of the way. I don't know where we've gone wrong.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

TM,

Duckie is still young and the realization that she is not the center of the universe is evolving. It takes a while. I know that you guys are really good at getting her involved in community service/helping others - that's a great way for her to begin to realize it's greater than herself.

But, when you get down to brass tacks - she wants what she wants when she wants it - like most 8-year olds! Maybe it's time for TM to have a girl's weekend, or a spa day, or something. Sounds like you need to stop focusing on everything thing and everyone and pay some attention to you for a few hours.

Sharon

 

[smallworld]

Hugs, TM. Hope you're feeling better this morning.

 

[tiredmommy]

Thanks ladies.

I'm glad we made up too. It's so normal for kids to step on other people's feelings but this was over the top. I've felt like I had a terrier snapping at my heels for the last month. Plus, I've had to stay on top of her for her to meet her responsibilities like homework & getting ready for school. I told her last night that she's wearing me out and it's going to stop or I'm pulling her from activities. She understood when I used a school analogy: I told her that I know she's very helpful at school, especially with the first graders in her class. So I "chose" a 1st grade girl and used examples of all the ways that she might be helping her over a day or week. Then I gave examples of the child taking advantage of her or generally not being appreciative. Duckie said she didn't like the sound of that one bit! Then I told her that she was treating me that way. It clicked.

Fran- Intense is the perfect way to describe the day.

Wendy- Yes, she went. I figured the "a ha" moment redeemed her a bit.

Susie- I'll remind Duckie about our plan for today: she will remove herself to her room to catch up on rest if she becomes too difficult.

Wakeupcall- My difficult child is a lot didn't than your difficult child, I think. We're fortunate that it seems to mostly a mix of the effects from physical illness, occasionally enhanced by medications, and a strong personality. We get periods of typical and age-appropriate behavior where you tend to get mostly continual difficult child behavior. It's like comparing apples & oranges.

LDM, I love the idea of a spa day or get-away but it just can't happen until the new year... we're booked up pretty solid because of the holidays. So I'll steal my moments of solace when I can.