She is hungry and has no food

[Nancy]

difficult child texted me at 12:20 am saying she was going to go to the hospital today because she has had bad stomach pains/cramps for four days. So later this morning I texted her and suggested she had pancreatitis from her heavy drinking. She said no she thought it was from not eating. She said she has no food and no money and has just been drinking water for several days. We texted back and forth a bit and I told her to go apply for food stamps and she said she just got another job as a server in one of our downtown hotels but they have to do a background check and drug test. She claims she will pass the drug test but I don't see how since she also said on fb that she smoked a bowl of bud (pot buds I assume) last week.

I called husband out of town and asked if he thought I should buy her some groceries and he called her to try to check out what was going on. They had a long talk and he told her we really wanted to help her but that since she was still so much in denial over the fact that alcohol and drugs have caused these problems any help on our part would be enabling. She told him she was getting a paycheck today from her part time job hostessing at a restaurant but it was only going to be about $150 and she was going to go to the grocery store and buy groceries.

So we decided to hold off for now. I sent her some places to go for food stamps and rent assistance help. She was selling her ipod on craigslist thsi week, the one I gave her when she was in the sober house whch I had engraved "One day at a time. Love, Mom" That broke my heart because I thought it meant something to her. I think she sold her laptop but she claims she didn't....that denial means nothing.

husband and I both said it was heartbreaking but all we can do is wait for her to decide drugs and drinking are the problem.

Nancy

 

[buddy]

You guys are staying so strong for her, she will hopefully some day see how much love this takes for you to do this for her. husband's reply to her was really good. The easy way would be to get her food etc. I suppose. If she was not getting any money I could see giving her a small jar of generic peanut butter and jelly and a loaf of bread, maybe a couple of apples but that is all. Seems much better that she has the pride in getting her own food with her own money.

Is she still in that apartment? Still no electric? Do you think she really thinks this is fun or is she just being defensive and not wanting to admit she has a problem? Maybe there is no way to know, not sure it matters on your end anyway, just wondering.

 

[AnnieO]

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

I know it hurts so much to know what she is doing to herself... I think you and husband are doing the best thing for her AND yourselves.

 

[Nancy]

buddy I don't think she thinks this part is fun. I texted her that I was really sad that she had such a great job with benefits and possibility to advance and asked her if this was worth it. She responded that she knows and that she is trying to pick herself up now. But the problem is she still thinks drinking and smoking pot are ok and doesn't connect the dots that they caused her to lose her job. husband pointed out to her that she learned in recovery that relapse leads to job loss and homelessness and if she saw it in another person she would recognize it but she doesn't see it in herself. husband was really sad after thier conversation and just kept saying how heartbreaking it is.

Nancy

 

[buddy]

oh wow. Sorry for your and husband's hurting hearts. The thing is, when you describe her, she seems like a girl I would really like, she has great interests (outside of the drinking and drugs).....I sure hope she can find her way home to herself some day....

 

[Calamity Jane]

Nancy, I think she's quickly getting closer and closer to the realization point, and am amazed at your strength in not enabling her. You and husband are doing the right thing not rescuing her right now, although it's probably killing you inside. I'm sure she's already regreting having to sell her engraved ipod and wishes she never relapsed. She is not lost...she's still in there somewhere. She texted you on Mother's Day, so she hasn't forgotten you - she's just stubborn and has to learn the hard way.
Do you know if she really went to the hospital, or do you think that was that a ploy for you to get her food?

 

[welcometowitsend]

Nancy - I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for your pain. This is one of my worst fears with our difficult child and to know that you're living it makes me feel so awful for you.

 

[Nancy]

Thank you CJ, it is so hard. She did not go to the hospital and decided she thinks it's because she hadn't eaten. She has no insurance so I don't know if the hospital would even see her. Funny she had all these friends who came over every day and drank and smoked and ate but where are they now that her money ran out and she had no job?

She WANTS to be able to drink and smoke so her denial will keep her from asking for help. She turns 21 on June 6 and I think she really wants to be able to go into a bar and drink legally. So she probably has a way to go before she falls.

Nancy

 

[bby31288]

Wow. I'm in awe of your strength. I too think you guys are doing an amazing job! You gave her resources to get food stamps. Keep up your strength. she has the ability to do it. Is there a local food pantry she could go to? We can hope that someday she will put it together in her head. Hugs.

 

[Elsieshaye]

I'm sorry, Nancy.

 

[pinevalley]

Nancy: It is so good that you and your husband are in agreement and working together to provide help for your difficult child but not to enable her. I know that this can really put a strain on marriages. I am sending many HUGS to you for your breaking heart.

 

[Kathy813]

Nancy, I guess we knew this was coming but I know how hard it is. Do you have a plan for when she hits bottom? Are there any recovery programs that will take in the indigent?

I looked for some for my difficult child at one point and the only one I found had a nine month waiting list. I know that you have already spent a fortune on her recovery.

{{{Hugs}}}

~Kathy

 

[Nancy]

Kathy I don't think she is close to hitting bottom yet. There are sober houses she can go to and we would help with the rent. But she is not going to give up her job and apartment until she is thrown out on the street.

Nancy

 

[Kathy813]

It may take a while but you know it will happen sooner or later. The leader at difficult child's smart recovery meeting said it took him 5 rehab stays before he finally got clean and stayed that way. And he is our age!! He has been clean for 3 years.

Of course, if it takes my difficult child until she is in her fifties I won't be here to see it. She will have sent me to my grave long before that!

~Kathy

 

[toughlovin]

Oh Nancy, I feel for you.. and you know I know what it is like. I think there is nothing worse than worrying about our difficult children being hungry, and on the street. It is hard for our imagination not to run wild with the worst possibilities. Hopefully she will get to the point where she realizes that what she is doing isn't working for her and she will want help. Meanwhile you and your husband are doing all the right things... and it is good, as hard as it is, that she is still getting in touch with you. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

TL

 

[rejectedmom]

I am so sorry that you and your husband are still in so much pain. (((HUGS))) -RM

 

[Kathy813]

Did she call and tell you to watch her on tv? Mine would have.

~Kathy

 

[recoveringenabler]

Gee Nancy, I am so sorry. I also know how horrible it is to think they are hungry and on the street, I feel for you. You and husband are doing a wonderful job under such challenging circumstances. Sending prayers for your whole family to find peace.

 

[Signorina]

It's times like these that I wish we were neighbors. So that we could be strong together, take out each other's hungry difficult child's for a cheap burger and a long talk, and mostly so we could lean on each other.

I hope she starts to correlate her actions with her situation. And knowing your kid is hungry must be awful. Please be good to yourself & hang tight to your husband. And hope this is a life lesson for her.