She is just so hard to love

[bran155]

Hey all, I hope all is as well as can be expected with everyone. Not so good here, as usual. My daughter barely comes home at all anymore. I saw her twice all weekend, for about 30 minutes each time. She didn't sleep home all weekend, therefore she has been inconsistent with her medications and it shows!!! She hasn't been taking her medications regularly for a couple of weeks now as she doesn't come home to do so. Last night, before she went out, I gave her her medications and she spit them in the toilet. The brain that she is did not wait to see if they went down when she flushed them. They didn't. When I called her on it she totally denied it. Okay, then who spit 5 pills in the toilet?? Duh!!!!

To her credit, she did show up at home today on time for her first home tutoring session. She was not happy about it of course, but she showed up nonetheless. After the tutor left, she asked me for 4 dollars. I of course said no way. I mean she never comes home anymore, lets not forget about her new found career: "gettin money", and just does not deserve anything at all from us. So, she then tells me "Your gonna give me 4 dollars", yeah okay, hold your breath little girl. I said no. She then had the nerve to say "I am gonna punch you in your f*****g face b***h". WHAT, she never comes home anymore, she knows I am utterly disgusted in her choices, she hasnt shown up for her therapy or psychiatrist appts, yet she has the nerve to threaten me because I wont give her any money. Uuuuugh, someone take this kid away from me before I strangle her. I mean who the hell does she think she is? She is no doubt going to end up in the hospital very soon as she is regressing quickly because she isnt taking her medications regularly. I just dread that whole production. It's just a waste of time anyway!!!!

I am just so over all of this c**p. I want out!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is about to get drastically worse in a few months when she turns 18. I am going end up running away myself!!!

Once again, thanks for listening.

 

[Andy]

Oh I am so sorry you are dealing with this attitude from your daughter. I have a new 18 year old and although she has always made it home it was often much closer to waking up time than midnight. She has sent the message loud and clear that her life is none of my business. She has basically turned her back on us and then feels left out if I don't go out of my way to include her on everything. If you are not home you can not partake!

Once she became 18, I felt better about being able to threaten to throw her out of the house. When you are so disrespectful, you don't have a right to ask of anything of your parents. My difficult child is lucky that we are still providing a place to live and $$$ for on-line college. There is always food in the house but if she is not home when I make something I won't wait on her to serve it.

She sometimes gets mad when I take difficult child out to a resturaunt but if she was with me at the time I would have taken her also. She can't have all the good things if she purposely turned her back on me.

Keep your ground and tell her that she is old enough to straighten out her own life.

I also think 17 is a very scary age as the kid is contemplating the future. They don't know what the future will be and what they can do about it. They will not listen to their parents to guide them to college or a good job. Sometimes these kids like ours who are so disrespectful refuses to be successful because to be so they have to work at it and possibly buy into something their parents advised. So many of those will follow their parents advise but disguise it or just outright deny that the idea was the parent's. They don't know that parents don't care who they give the credit to as long as they do whatever it takes to succeed in an independent life.

I hope your daughter doesn't have to hurt herself too much longer before deciding to succeed in life.

 

[Nancy]

I understand you are beyond frustrated but you have tried everything and nothing has worked. When she turns 18 she needs to go out on her own and sink or swim, period.

Nancy

 

[Hound dog]

(((hugs)))

I think Nancy hit the nail on the head.

 

[amazeofgrace]

Bran I can relate to feeling "spent" my oldest will be 18 in June, he's currently living in the county's juvenille shelter. He is fed, has school, gets his medications, has video games, MTV and phone use, he's happy as a pea! And currently so am I, I do not need Occupational Therapist (OT) be threatened, intimidated and abused. I love my son, but after exhausting alot of energy, I am loving him from afar for now. I truly can relate to your frustration. Is there a shelter by you?

 

[meowbunny]

There's a simple solution -- she threatens you, you call the police. It is called assault (threat of physical harm; fear of that potential harm) and you can press charges. Once I discovered my daughter could in fact control her violence, I let her know the next time she became violent in the home, I would (and did) call the police. They usually won't do anything the first time or two but give her a lecture, but if it continues, they will haul her in.

I know this isn't what you want but you have a right to not be fearful. She does not have a right to behave the way she is. Is there ever a time when she is home that she is civil and maybe open to a discussion? If so, that might be the time to lay out the basic house rules and the consequences of breaking those rules up to and including pressing charges against her. Just be sure you can and will follow through on any consequences you say will happen.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. Believe it or not, she may actually grow up one day and regret her present behavior. Some of our kids actually become decent human beings that we can once again love.

 

[bran155]

Thank you for the support.

Adrianne, have you met my daughter? You described your difficult child and it was like you were talking about mine!!! You are so right, my daughter is never with me and so when we go out as a family she feels left out, however even when she is home she doesn't want to do anything with us. You cant win.

Amaze, there is a shelter, however it works on a voluntary basis. If she doesn't want to go she doesn't have to. She has already been in 3 rtcs, so at this point there is really nowhere else for her to go. When she is 18 (feb) she says she is moving out. Keeping my fingers crossed!!!

Meow, I would absolutely call the police on her. In fact I have done that so much already that I personally know half of the police force. She is smart though, she knows now that she is no longer considered a minor in the eyes of the criminal court she will go to jail if she hits me. She always tells me that she wont actually hit me because she knows I will call the cops and she will go to jail.

She came home last night, she did take her medications, I made her open her mouth to ensure that she actually swallowed them this time. She did. She wanted something to eat. I told her she was not allowed to cook anything at that time of night, if she wants to eat dinner she has to be here to do so. At this point we really don't give her anything or do anything for her. I don't even feel bad about it anymore. This is how it will stay until she decides to put the effort into changing her life. Like Nancy said, she is going to sink or swim on her own!!! I told her that I will be here for her when she is ready, until then I will not put any more energy in trying to help her. I am still working on detatching and not letting her rope me into a screaming match. I still live in sadness though. I can't seem to get past that. My heart aches for her, I feel so badly for her and want so much for her to find peace. How does a mother avoid that pain? Of course, those feelings turn into absolute disgust when she is abusing me. Sometimes I feel like I actually hate my kid!!! That is terrible. What a way to live!!!
When I think about all that we, as a family, have done for her over the years, all the pain we have felt, all the desperate steps we have taken to save her, it makes me so ANGRY that she has chosen just to throw her life away. It was all for nothing.

 

[janebrain]

Hi Bran,
I really feel for you. I have absolutely hated my kid and wished I never had her. I don't feel that way anymore--once she is out of your home it will help a lot with those feelings.

I also know the anger you feel after doing so much for her, trying to save her from herself, etc. I often feel angry about all the time and money we spent trying to help my difficult child and basically seeing no results although I think it did result in her being able to live on her own and that sure is a blessing!

She may be throwing her life away now but she is still so young, she may do better with time. I think detaching is essential--knowing that whatever she does is out of your hands and being realistic about her, but with the detachment you can still hope she will do better some day. It is just that your own life doesn't depend on that hope.

I am sure you are counting the days til she is 18. I know my dtr couldn't wait to turn 18--she didn't realize I couldn't wait for the day either!

Hugs,
Jane

 

[meowbunny]

Hon, threats can also be reported. Let her know that. Nice of her to let you know that she won't actually hit you, though.

Honestly, you wouldn't be much of a mother if you didn't feel sad at your daughter's choices. We had so many dreams for our kids when they were little. We see so much potential that is being thrown away. We love them so much and that love is rejected over and over. If it didn't hurt, you wouldn't be human.

I've been lucky. I've never hated my child. I've hated her actions, choices and behavior but not her personally, although it was close a couple of times. I know I've felt guilty when I've disliked her. I hated myself for counting the days until she moved out. She's my daughter, my heart. I'm supposed to love her and want her to live with me. Now that she's gone, I can enjoy her visits and her. I don't have to be involved in the temper tantrums, the rudeness, the bad choices. We talk, laugh, do things together. When I'm tired of her messes or she gets the attitude, I simply tell her it is time for her to go back home. Works for now, anyway.

Good luck.

 

[KTMom91]

Many hugs. I'm so sorry nothing has worked for her so far. It's amazing how stubborn they can be.

 

[Pookybear66]

Bran-I want to run away with you and everyone else. May I? I had a cr***y day too! I had my meeting with ds's school-check my post on absence seizures. I've been crying on and off since then from the stress of still yet something wrong with ds. I just want this over.
He came home from school and we were in a shouting match till I gave up and told him to go to his room until dinner. He is happy now playing nintendo and NOT doing what I asked him to do-which was do some reading and some writing. Since they were mandates from Mom not school he didn't want to do them. He makes me so mad because he doesn't want to try to better himself. It's difficult for him and therefore he doesn't want to do it. Usually, I can win on some points and he will do something but today I am totally not into it.
I don't even want to make dinner (but I am). I am so done with the whole fight for what's right thing. I just don't care today if a meteor comes and blows up me and my house. "Oh well-that's nice" is my attitude right now. I'm sure tomorrow will be better but if it isn't where are we running away to?

 

[bran155]

Pooky, I did read your other post. I am the one with the nephew with the absent seizures. I posted back and gave you my sister's e-mail address.

I guess we are feeling pretty much the same way, hu? This is so exhausting, both physically and mentally. Some days I just don't want to open my eyes as I know what lays ahead. My father walked out on us when we were little (and we were good kids) and I could never understand how any parent could do that. I can now!!! There are times that I just want to get in the car and drive to..... somewhere.... nowhere.... anywhere but here!!! The only problem with that is I must bring my brain with me!!! How much does a labotomy cost - you know???

 

[Andy]

Have you heard what my easy child is working on? About one month ago, I was so disgusted with her when I overheard her complaining about difficult child and me to a friend on the phone. So, I went in to her room and said, "That is it! I have had it with you! You have no right to talk like that about me or difficult child. You are no longer allowed to ask me for anything until you can go one month being nice to me."

The very next day, "Mom, if you I put some shirts aside, will you come pay for them?" "No, You are not to ask anything of me until you can be nice to me for one month." Not even 1/2 hour later, "Mom, I found a pair of cute shoes." "No, You are not to ask anything of me until you can be nice to me for one month." "But Mom, they will not be on sale in a month." "No, You are not to ask anything of me until you can be nice to me for one month." "But Mom" Click (that is me hanging up on her).

She made it for almost 1 week and was actually respectful on one of those days (see, being nice doesn't just include no bad words, but to also be respectful in everyday things.) One slip so the month started over.

It lasted about 2 - 3 weeks and then a major set back. She was so angry when I reminded her that the month was starting again that she added a few more lovely words to the mix and said she didn't care.

Her newest date is Nov 2nd. She has been much more civil toward me and the non-lovely words are no longer heard. So it is working for us.

I feel that your daughter has a deeper level of disrespect that my daughter has. Maybe setting some very very strict rules may help. Post the times of meals - put in writing even though she is suppose to know them. State there will be no asking of ANYTHING until certain things are accomplished.

Don't count on her moving out at 18. My daughter was also going to be out the door midnight of the day she turned 18 but it did not happen. I think she realized that rent is hard to pay when you don't have an income.

I think your daughter has gotten to the point that you need to address this before the next angry conflict. If you do it out of anger of the moment, it will not have importance but if you present it sternly without a fresh incident attached, it will go futher. This is the way it is because of how things are not because of the newest problem.

 

[Marguerite]

Andy's got a great idea. But you need to be consistent.

Marg

 

[bran155]

It is so hard because nothing has to happen to set her off. It is quite sad because she is such an unhappy person and makes us all pay the price for her misery.

For instance, the other day she was doing her hair and couldn't get it quite right. I made the mistake of speaking to her like I would anyone else, I said "your hair looks good", her response was "shut the f**k up it does not". It is to the point where we can't say anything at all to her without her getting very angry. She is so quick to curse us out now, more than usual because she hasn't been taking her medications regularly. I can't get her to come home to take her medications. She used to take them with her, however she wasn't taking them. She is barely here, she is either sleeping or seething with rage. It's like living with a time bomb. She gives me dirty looks all the time, for no reason at all. I have never met anyone as mean as her. It is utterly heartbreaking. Not to mention the fact that I am sitting back watching her throw her life away. That is the hardest part to accept. How could she want this for herself? I know her actions are a manifestation of how she feels on the inside. But if she feels so badly why wouldn't she try to feel better. She wont go to therapy or to the psychiatrist!!!! It is just so frustrating.

 

[butterflydreams]

Bran, I am so sorry you are having such difficulty with your daughter.

This is what is scaring me so much right now with my daughter as I see her struggling right now. When she gets determined that she is or isn't going to do something, there is no budging her.

Sending major hugs,

Christy

 

[trinityroyal]

Bran, {{{{{HUGS}}}}} for your hurting mommy heart.

I think Andy's advice is great as well. During a calm moment, state clear firm rules. Post them if you think it will help.

I wonder...although you can't kick your daughter out at 18, it might be worth changing the way things are run in your home. She can live there, but only on terms of a boarder. You provide room and board (a mattress, basic meals), and nothing further. Rather than engaging her in conflict, just walk away. If she leaves a mess in the kitchen, pile the mess on her bed. If she leaves her stuff around, throw it out, donate it or sell it.

One of our other members (I think it was Meowbunny) told her daughter that as long as disrespect continued, she would be treated like a tenant not a daughter. It seemed to work really well.

What it will do is set clear boundaries with natural consequences for her behaviour. It also might prepare her for the real world that she's eventually going to have to face.

Trinity

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, Bran, I feel for you. {{hugs}}

I feel like that time is fast approaching for me.

I wish I could help.

 

[bran155]

Thank you all so much for your continued support. It is much appreciated.

We had a meeting yesterday with our sw, the one I love so much and the new one that will be taking over the case. I am sad about that because I really feel a connection with my sw. We have a sort of friendship. I will miss her. It was her birthday last week, so I bought her a present (robe and slippers). She said she really wasn't allowed to accept it, I forced her to. Anyway my daughter actually sat with us for about 15 minutes. Major step for her as she never attends these meetings. She did admit that she wasn't doing well. That is as far as it went with her. The meeting then was directed at my behavior. They want me to look into "Structural Family Therapy". I researched it last night and it really does make sense. Basically my difficult child is my puppet master, she has perfected the ability to make me dance, so to speak. It is my job to learn how to detach and not do that dance. My sw says that I behave the way I do with regards to my daughter in part because of my childhood. I never believed my mom loved me, she chose her evil husband over me. I went through hell as a kid and now am so hell bent on making sure my daughter knows I love her so I end up overcompensating!!! True, true, true!!! I see it so much. I know I do it, the question is how on earth do I change that? Hence, the "Structural Family Therapy". I am willing to do it, heck I'll do anything at this point. They also want me to take this parenting class their agency offers, if I complete it I get a brand new computer!!!! You cant beat that offer - hu?

So for now, I will try my best to refrain from dancing with my daughter, detach and breath. A lot easier said than done!!!

Thanks again,
Shawna

 

[Pookybear66]

Bran-Years ago I was talking to psychiatric dr and he recommended I read some books by Elizabeth Kubler Ross-The Dance of Anger, The Dance of Deception, and one other I can't remember. It's been so many years ago I don't remember all the specifics, but I do remember they helped. I believe they talk about how anger doesn't really get us anywhere. Maybe they would benefit you and your daughter. Sorry I don't remember more about them but when you said "dance" it triggered the memory of the books themselves.